Jokes about drunks

Read funny Jokes about drunks

<** Previous Topic          Next Topic **>

10  11  12  13  14  15  16  17  18  19  20  21

- Doctor, I can drink vodka?
- Net.
- And alcohol?
- No way!
- And your pills?
- What you into all the stuff that pulls?

*****

- Doctor, swallow was tyazhelo.
- And how hard?
- Well before the little one sip sucks and now only two.

*****

The doctor fills out a medical history and ask questions of the patient:
- Drink?
Bolnoy briskly:
- And there?

*****

- Doctor, every day I go to the store for vodka. Tell me I'm a shopaholic?

*****

- Doctor, tell me honestly, do I have a hernia and also from alcohol?
- Yes. It seems that you are overstrained, when they came to take the empty bottles.

*****

- When the house is on fire, I threw myself into the fire and carried on the mother-rukah.
- Okay, do not worry! What not to mess things up drunk!

*****

Having finished fourth in a row,
Glubokoy night drunk,
Proschalis long godfathers,
I owner says:
- Listen, brother! You're thin and puny,
S bracelet and watch,
Ne, I let you go,
Lozhis'd better with nami.
- Where did I go to bed, your mother -
Kuma, yes seven squares?
- But Triple bed, we
A hundred years Wifety.
Na morning, swallowing glass
Ogurchikom zahrumav,
Nash guest ear prosheptal
Doverchivomu godfather:
- All night supruzhnitsa tvoya
Derzhala my mighty!
- Yes it is not Zhinkov ya
- Why?!
- just in case! "

*****

- Honey, I made a decision - to throw to drink!
- How? Why? Who now will call me beautiful?

*****

- Dear girls! Do you have dry skin? Sparse hair? Problems with the figure? Come to us! We have dark and we drunk!

*****

- Honey, I forgot to buy bread. Converge?
Vozvraschaetsya after 15 minutes with a loaf of bread and a bottle of vodki.
- Honey, you would not believe! They again had no change.

*****

Delivered to the police station suspected of committing prestupleniya.
A man - pyanyuschy, grunts, and the investigator conversation with him poluchaetsya.
Nu investigator calls sergeants - "here, in short, a citizen organy
ne respects, you tell him in my own way how to explain to realize ".
Ladno, half an hour later Sergeant reports:" It is not pricked with @ ka! "
- And you slapped him on the ears?
- Nadavali.
- And champing, and melon hung?
- Of course, after each question podveshivali.
- And pluck stuck?
- Yeah, and kidneys lowered, and the balls a few times, all rank-chinarem.
- Is he?
- And after each stroke he says only: "Yes, dear" and cuts off.

*****

Mother daughter says:
- You know, Mom, Victor made me an offer, but I'm afraid for him to marry - in my opinion, he alkogolik.
Mat:
- And how you identified?
- When I sit on his lap I think that I'm sitting on pollitre.
- Come, my daughter, for him, do not hesitate! I am a lifetime on the vial from the penicillin sat.

*****

Come down to the condition sitting at a table in the restaurant for dessert he brings vinograd.
- Thank you, - he mutters, pushing the dish. - I do not drink wine in pills!

*****

Milkmaid (D) with a deep hangover comes to milk a cow. Puts a bucket under the udder and grabs soski.
K: What is bad?
D: Aha!
K: Well, then you hold the nipples, and I had to jump!

*****

The friendship between the two men - the strongest, but the nature sooner or later takes its toll - and they run to look for the third ...

*****

Uncle, buy a bottle of vodka!
- Little esche.
- Yes My father poslal.
- So what ?! Father sent - once the booze go, or what?

*****

Bus rides. The bus sits educated citizen, and a number of barely worth drunk muzhik.
Tut bus jolted and drunk heavily pushed in the side of the citizen. That:
- careful, please!
- **** and not! Bus again kachnulo.
- Do not push!
- not **** and!
- And besides, you still know the words?
- know! Aqualung!
- What is it?
- and not ****!

*****

Wino rides in the bus on the rear platform. Occupies the entire doorway - holding the handrail at the entrance. At the next stop the trolley runs up to a nun and clutching the handrail. Wino to-ah-ah-ah-to give her tusk! Nun falls to the ground face down, she plowed plasch.
- Ha, not so you're cool, Batman!

*****

Ilya rides through the forest. Meets Nightingale - sad takogo.
- Hi, Nightingale. What sad?
- Why, in the village of vodka give free:
Prishporil Ilya horse and rushed to the Forest derevnyu.
Edet Dobrynia. Meets Nightingale - sad takogo.
- Hi, Nightingale! What's new?
- Why, in the village of vodka give besplatno.
I Dobrynia pulled into the woods derevnyu.
Edet Alyosha meets Nightingale - sad takogo.
Zdravstvuy, Nightingale! Why cheerless?
- Why, in the village of vodka give free ...
- Thank you! - Alyosha cried and rushed to derevnyu.
Solovey:
- When sober, people like people. But when nazhrutsya and go back ...

*****

Ilya Muromets morning rides through the forest. See: sitting Nightingale Razboynik.
Ves beaten and without gilded tooth!
- Nightingale! Who is it you? Yes, I will tear the shirt for you completely ...
- Ride, Ilya, all right - that I see with oak navernulsya.
-. If something ....
Edet it further. See: Dragon in bandages lying ves.
- Zmeyushka! Cute! Who you, yes I did ......
- Oh, go, my dear, go, I'm on a plane naporolsya.
- If that zmeyushka - whistle!
Poehal it on. There are Dragon and the Nightingale-Razboynik.
Odin another:
- Here Ilya something! When sober - gold just a man, and when drunk -
to low flying, softly whistling .....

*****

Car rides, for pulem - dpakon. It stops GIBDDshniki, smotpit, ohpenevaet and finally squeezes:
- Well, Dykhne!

*****

Man goes on the road, he sees - stands beside the road with the canister girl's voice. He stopped and asked:
- What do you want?
- drove to goroda.
- A canister that wine?
- Net.
- alcohol?
- Gasoline!
- Why do you need petrol?
- I know you. You all as to the nearest forest underground get, so once petrol ends.

*****

Man goes to the car, suddenly the engine stalled, he opened the hood, nothing mozhet
podelat. Suddenly he heard a voice behind him:
- Please make sure that the carburetor! A guy turns around - the horse is worth it!
Mashinalno crawled under the hood and checked the machine started up, he said to the horse:
- Look, you understand the engines? Horse on umnyake (adjusting his glasses):
- I not only understand in the engines! I know five languages, zakonchila
Oksfordsky and Cambridge University. At this time of the forest runs a to
alkash (probably a shepherd), unshaven, in a ragged sweatshirt and yells:
- Oh, you fucking bastard, strayed from the herd, but come on, and went well! Peasant shepherd:
- But what do you do? Why, it also understands the engines! Knows pyat
inostrannyh languages! She graduated from Oxford and Cambridge universities!
- WHO? IT? YES LET IT NOT ****!

*****

Drunk man riding on the bus. He incontinence. Conductress says:
- Man, what is it?
- Maiden, I can not see something, melting.

*****

Traveling man drunk on the bus, and next to him sits a lady all of sebya.
Muzhik hiccups from time to time, let snot and releases gases. Lady-tolerated
terpela pushes his disgust with two fingers:
- Citizen! You stink!
Muzhik emits strange sounds and continues its dirty work. Lady s
razdrazheniem:
- Citizen! You stink!
Muzhik, opening his eyes and pounding his fist in the chest:
- Maybe my soul shit !!!

*****

Man rides a tram, taking a lot of beer in advance. Meanwhile, in ego
nutre talking organs:
Mochevoy Bubble (MP) - the spinal cord (SM) .
MP: Brain and brain! I use the toilet hochu.
SM: In the bathroom? SchA sdelaem.
SM screaming brain (GM) .
SM: Ale, chump! Urinary piss hochet.
GM (very muddy): Che? In the toilet? Eyes !!!
Gl: Che want?
GM: We where?
Gl: Where, where. In tramvae.
GM: Let podozhdet.
SM: Hey, bubbles, be patient, eh?
MP: What endure? I for two hours as I want!
SM: Yes? Head !!!
GM: Well, Che must be something, eh?
SM: Down there in the toilet urinary asks ochen.
GM: Again? Eyes !!!
Gl: Che want?
GM: We where?
Gl: Yes tram us!
GM: In the tram ... In the tram ... Let suffers !!!
SM: bubbles! Be patient my dear !! Coming soon !! Hold on, brother !!!
MP: WHAT ?! Terpenes ?! YES NOW ON PARTS Break !!!!
SM: A-A-A !!! BRAIN !!!
GM: Well, what happened?
SM: THERE NOW URINARY explode !!!
GM: Yes? Eyes !!!
Gl: Yes what?
GM: We where?
Gl: Yes tram us. Did not go nikuda.
GM: Hey, back. Give the bladder - let zhdet.
SM: bubbles, rodnenky, be patient wait a minute!
MP: Yes, that there endure. I have everything. Togo. Describe, in general ...
SM: Damn! Head !!!
GM: What stuck?
SM: Bubble is already everything. Togo. Pissed!
GM: What do you mean! EYES !!!
Gl: (Tired!) What should I ??
GM: WE WHERE ???
Gl: In the tram ...
GM: In the tram? Oh how embarrassing ...

*****

Drunk driver traveling in the car against the motion. Cop stops him:
- Where are you going?
- I do not know, but I fear already too late: all go back.

*****

Cute young girl riding the bus, a crowded pod
samuyu roof, and next to it there is a screwy guy. Well, the bus kak
polagaetsya, cornering swayed, and this husband pour fumes nashu
simpatyulechku:
- Man, you're drunk, you're very drunk, you disgusting pyany.
- girl, you have crooked legs, just disgustingly crooked legs ... And ya
zavtra I shall be sober.

*****

Morning bus rides. Hung on hangers, telepaetsya completely drunk guy. Some aunt said to him:
- Well it is necessary! In the morning - and so drunk!
- And I do not zhravshi to go to work?

*****

Rides in the morning drunken man, and shakes it. Well then let the woman next to angry:
- Here, a man, in the morning and get drunk!
- Aaa-chchtooo Well it did not work mnnneee naa zhramshi ehat?

*****

I was driving last night with a friend X .. Both drunk. Comrade H. driving. We fall for speeding. H. takes the window to the right of hundred-ruble note, but he offered to go to the survey. I was in a panic. I take back this type of drunk (despite the fact that he did not sober). A minute later H. returns with absolutely happy muzzle. I asked him what was the matter? And he says: I finally they vparil fake hundred bucks.

*****

I am going to ogrooommnogo hangover means stop,
otkryvaetsya door stands cop, I fear I give a hundred rubles,
beret, closes the door, come .. I understand that the food in the elevator ....

*****

Food once in a minibus, 6:00 am. I stand on the rear doors, the driver on the radio plays zadolbali all passengers chanson, bus stands in the middle of a guy who is very bad (well, in the sense that the state - when just finished drinking, and just beginning to come to life). My stop, I ask the driver:
- driver, rear doors open!
Iz the loud music the driver did not hear, I repeat again, zero attention ... And then the drunk guy on the whole bus yelling:
- Drove! Sound off!
Driver off the sound and the guy makes a gesture from the heart, turning to me said:
- Bro - says ...

*****

Go two truck drivers, one young and one old. Young sitting behind the wheel of an old collapsed on the bunk. Suddenly, the old want to drink, and he began to molest young:
- Look, there's a bottle - come on 250.
- drink thou, and I will bring the car, and then the traffic cops ostanovyat.
- What am I, an alcoholic, or what? One drink will not. I know such a way that no policeman did not get it. They took on 250 and drove on. The first counter traffic cop car slows down. Old driver comes out and makes documents. Policeman, without looking at the documents, said:
-Well Dykhne!
Tot breathed, smelled nothing policeman and said:
- Come again!
I again policeman nothing uchuyal.
- Well, where the second? Dykhne!
Molodoy breathed - and this time nothing. Policeman:
- Yes, folks, your taken. I do not trouble, but you tell me what the smell of slaughter. Anyway, I see that drunk. And those in any. Policeman says:
- Okay, here's $ 100. Tell - and they vashi.
Pereglyanulis they are old and says:
- in the stomach, there are two ways - here we enema and he vospolzovalis.
Zabral $ 100 and went to the car. Policeman catches up:
- Guys, here's another $ 100, just about anyone talking about it, and that our bosses will make us even sniff your ass.

*****

If the driver seat belt fastened, travels at a speed not exceeding 60 km / h, ahead of time slows down at traffic lights, does not tend to slip on the yellow, smelly patiently dragged behind a truck passes pedestrians on the crossing and did not violate any point SDA, then most likely he's just drunk.

*****

If you drank well - so bad in the morning, good morning
If - then drank bad.

*****

When looking in the mirror in the morning, you see swollen, unshaven face with extinct eyes, means the day before you do decide to drink 50 grams of appetite.

*****

If Italian national dish - pizza, then Russian - napitstsa.
Dva drunk after a certain amount of alcohol consumed understand that you need to run again for the bottle. Decide who ... The first (R) offers a second (B): "Come on, if I bite myself for an eye, you run ..."
V - Come on !!!
P gets eyes, bites him, rubbing her handkerchief, puts back.
V - decoration ... and runs over a bottle ...
Posle as and drank this bottle seemed a little ... P ... again offer
P - Come on, if I myself for a second bite glaya you're running again for the bottle? ??
Vtoroy reflects: "I was looking ... Where to take a glass, see ... So ... sighted and agree" .
Pervy pulls false teeth and bites himself for the second eye ...

*****

If you think that the word KVAS not enough at the end of the soft sign - it means you have time to be treated for alcoholism ...