Anecdotes about the time of year

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Jokes about the seasons

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Starlit night. Marble Palace. The sultan takes the list and starts doing round of the harem. At an exit from the first wife it is met by the eunuch with a jug of wine and a dish fruktov:
-do not wish to Have a snack?
-After the first I have not a snack!
smotrit in the list also continues round. Leaves from the following wife. The eunuch opyat:
-do not wish to Have a snack?
-After the second I have not a snack!
opyat the sultan looks in the list and goes further. Again at the exit meets him evnukh:
-do not wish to Have a snack?
-After the third I have not a snack!
I continues round according to the available list. Again at the exit approaches it evnukh:
-do not wish to Have a snack? You me already got
-! Though, all right, it is possible to make a small pause. Put viands and take off the trousers, opposite!

*****

Hello, it is the Week program on the Ren-TV channel, and I Marianna of Maksimovskaya.
na the President of the Russian Federation Putin declared to this week that the winter passed, the summer came. However those who calls himself by opposition to today's mode, claim that the winter left because had problems with the authorities. Snow drifts, ice and low temperatures ceased suit the Kremlin, and it decided to pass to a summer season. Thus all somehow forgot and about spring, after all it compromised herself before the power the last year's floods. The State Duma and almost all mass media did not react to it in any way. The power vertical is still strong. About those who else has a civic courage to tell about the facts, inconvenient for the authorities, our reporting from Hydrometeorological center...

*****

Winter. The bath leaves the steamed-out barin in a beaver collar. On the street there is in a thin gymnasia coat a student wearing spectacles and shivers from holoda.
barin, patting the student on plechu:
-Well, che shiver? The woman you want?

*****

Winter. Den. Two bears sleep. Suddenly one wakes up and starts going uneasily, is nervous. Another wakes up and speaks:
-You that? The Female I want
-!
-Sdurel? Winter! All sleep. Lozhis.
-I cannot! I want to strike!
TOT sees that now will not fall asleep, and speaks:
-Give so: I all the same sleep, and you give be attached behind and do...
-is good. Though tak.
i action rushed. The second settled to sleep, and the first was attached behind and let's it have. The door in a den is suddenly opened, the hare flies, stopped in the middle. From the eye seen at it became round, ears a corkscrew were curtailed. Generally he went nuts from the seen debauchery. In a minute recovered and I tear up from there. Bears vskochili.
-That such? What shame! Now the hare to all wood rastrept! Let's it catch and razorvem.
reshili and ran to catch up. Tired out a hare to the lake, surrounded from two parties. That has no place to disappear. It dives into an ice-hole. The bear hardly does not grab him a tail. It lowers a hand in an ice-hole and suddenly the tail is enough. "Well, - the bear thinks joyfully, - caught!" Pulls out, and this is a beaver! The beaver turns the head, looks at a bear and speaks:
-Take away hands, the gay!

*****

Winter. Body. The ensign, picking a match in zubakh:
-Companion soldier, take scrap, will notice a parade-ground!
-Companion ensign, so after all not conveniently and purely will not turn out...
-is not necessary for me that it is pure, it is necessary for me, that you darling... foxes!

*****

Winter, eve of New Year. In a gate there is an exhibitionist, having wrapped in a raincoat. There is on the road an aunt. In each hand on 4 bags, hard. Suddenly directly before it from a gate the exhibitionist jumps out, plows up a raincoat. The aunt looks at it a sad look, then vzdykhayet:
-Here the devil, eggs forgot to buy!

*****

Winter. Rooftop. It is slippery. A certain adjuster for some reason climbs on a roof. Slides without interruption. Terribly, despite 158,5 insurance. Having got on a roof the adjuster finds two little men in some gray loose overalls and sandals there. Little men on a roof ridge sit to themselves, feet stir, about something tryndit. The adjuster creeps up and speaks:
-Men and you went crazy! So after all and it is possible to fall!!!!
ODIN from men to it in otvet:
-Yes you that, at school did not teach the physicist? Here it is impossible to fall!!!
-A at what here physics? Yes you look at
-down: the roof white, the earth black, the earth heats the sun more strongly, there is an ascending air stream. You though the head about a roof fight, and to fall not poluchitsya.
-As it? - the adjuster asks. And here this man, without thinking twice, falls on a stomach, moves down from a roof, does a loop and again lands on the fad. The adjuster oshizevat. For confidence the man again repeats fokus.
osmelevshy the adjuster unfastens an insurance, removes a quilted jacket and flies the head to the earth!
muzhiki look at it, and one speaks vtoromu:
-Hear, Gavrila, you though the archangel, and a bough the decent!

*****

Winter, frost, it is snowing, blizzard. On the street there is a girl in a summer dress... It sprashivayut:
- The Girl, you why are so dressed? After all winter on the street...
devochka:
-you that?! Now summer!.
-Girl, what summer?! You look around: snow, frost, wind...
devochka:
-Well... (thoughtfully)... Here such fig summer...

*****

Winter. The man came to poudit fish. Hollows a hole, and here it is distributed thunderous golos:
-fishes net.
muzhik was frightened Here, departed three meters more to the right, again started hollowing a hole, and it is again distributed thunderous golos:
-fishes Here net.
- And who tells it?
-Director of a skating rink.

*****

Winter. The man sits in a toilet. The silly woman is distributed its angry krik:
-Here! Forced two couples underpants to put on!

*****

The winter, night, terrible frost, the GAI officer costs on a post. Suddenly there is a jeep, the GAI officer brakes it and slowly approaches. Having approached closer, he notices in the car of two enforcers. Glass, one asks:
-to You che opens, a goat, it is necessary?
gaishnik:
-of Pokolyadovat is possible?

*****

Winter. At a window the little boy sits and with grief looks how on the street contemporaries cheerfully play it. And he cannot play together with them because it has no warm fur coat, hats, mittens and botinochek.
posidel he, pogrustit, then thinks: "Let me write to Father Frost the letter and I will ask for it a warm fur coat, a hat, mittens and boots". He sat down at a table and started writing: "To FATHER FROST! Dear Father Frost! All children play on the street, mold snowballs, ride from a hill, and I cannot because I have nothing to put on. Send me, please, a warm fur coat, a hat, mittens and boots" .
zapechatal the letter and sent it to mail, having written: "D E D U M of O Z O P At" .
prikhodit the letter on mail, and there sits the mail carrier - old perdun.
prochital it the letter, shed a few tears, called other mail carriers, old farts, they chipped in together and bought a warm fur coat, a hat, mittens, and for boots of money was not enough. All of them sent it malchiku.
malchik a parcel received and writes the answer: "Dear Father Frost! Thanks to you that you sent me a warm fur coat, a hat and mittens, and boots evil mail carriers of the joint venture... Dili".

*****

Winter, SU-37 on alert. Suddenly the malfunction in one of dvigateley.
pilot makes an emergency landing on ice on the lake. Opens a cabin, looks, and directly before plane the man in valenoks, a fur coat and a cap with ear-flaps fish lovit:
- The Man!!!
TOT is wrapped, goggles, swells up...
-of Che?? You my hole occupied
-!!!

*****

Winter. Three o'clock in the morning. In a bed peacefully sleep the husband with the wife. Suddenly knock at a door, a call to a door. The man, swearing and damning everything on light, rises, opens a door. The man is on the threshold and speaks:
-Hear, the man, help, and? Push, and? Here nedaleko.
-Well, man... You that, went crazy, perhaps? Go otsyuda.
vozvrashchayetsya to a bed, lays down, tries to fall asleep. Here the wife speaks:
-Listen, Vas. You think: on the street winter, the man one. Who still will help it? Go help it after all. It will freeze still!
muzhik, swearing, dresses valenoks, a sheepskin coat, muffles, leaves. On the street darkness, a frost, a blizzard, it is visible nobody. It begins krichat:
-Muzhi-i-i-i-k, muzhi- And- And- And-to.! Where ty-y-y-y???
vdrug from darkness reaches golos:
-Yes I here. On a swing.

*****

Whether you know... what is the jackhammer of the miner not silnodeystvuyushchim
narkoticheskim means, though hollows blackly?
... what with the invention after a sundial elektronnykh
neobkhodimost in the Sun disappeared?
... what are matches a cause of the fire, water - the reason of a flood,
A lack of mind - the madness reason?
... what the most furious tiger can easily be fed from a hand? Prichem
vovse it is not obligatory to hold in this hand pishchu.
... what with approach of winter of a humming-bird migrate on the North? But so far oni
uspevayut to reach the equator, again there comes the summer, and birds come back to places constant obitaniya.
... what, since peasants of steel sech on a stable, a horse uverovali
v social justice?
... what does my neighbor Petrov treat breed of cattle?
prichem till yesterday it was simply cattle...
... what is read by you above - absolute nonsense?
. . what to sin with the diver, it is not obligatory nadevat
akvalang at all?
... where to drink for free? Know - write.

*****

- And how to you "Dao of love"?
-A will sort a horse-radish these Chinese! In the summer when women are visible almost through and there are a wish, according to their Dao there has to be a full abstention. But Listen in the winter when in the house su

*****

There is a man on a nudist beach. Sees the plate: "The man, do not go - there a beach for blue further". The man looked: everything is pure, anybody is not present. It went further. Goes and sees one more plate: "The man, think, here BLUE". The man looks, and around is empty. There is it further. Sees that on the earth the board lies, and on it something is written. He bends down and reads: "The man, two times warned you IN AN AMICABLE WAY!!!"

*****

- I go on a beach yesterday. I look, in sand the lamp lies ancient, as in the fairy tale about Aladdin. Lifted it, I think, I will rub. Suddenly there the genie fantastic, all the same idle I walk. Rubbed it, occurs nothing. Still rubbed, again silence. O

*****

From conversation of two podrug:
-During the summer I learned to go on mototsikle.
-Really you itself drive now?
-Is not present, meanwhile only in a carriage.

*****

To the priest the rural man comes to confess. The father, having seen him, vosklitsayet:
-Oh, yes I know you! Recently I passed neighboring meadows, saw how you mowed hay. So I want to ask for what on your feet kolokolets hung?
-Yes grass, father, high. A quail you will not notice that, a zaychishka, it is a pity after all... And kolokolets ring, the living creatures and run up...
-is good, my son. You, probably, and have no sins at your sanctity?
-Is, the father. I work in the estate, so, happened, the barin will harness a kobylka, they with the mistress will go to the city, one young lady stays at home... It is guilty...
-It, my son, of course, sin. Well, business young, God will forgive you... In total at you?
-Still, the father, a sin is. Happens that the barin with the young lady to the city will go, one mistress stays at home... It is guilty...
-D-a-a-a, my son, is heavy your sin... I think, God will forgive you but that it is more... In total at you?
-Not everything, father. Happens that to the city go the mistress with the young lady, and the barin stays at home... It is guilty...
-my Son! As far you came in the sins! If I on a meadow with kolokolets did not see you... Only for the sake of it God will forgive you. It though all?
-of Not all, father. Happens that roads will become limp, the barin with the mistress and the young lady will gather and will go to the city on foot. Houses one kobylka remains...
-Well, my son! You kolokolets not on feet should bind!

*****

Every winter Winnie- The-Pooh, being a decent bear, fell into hibernation and sucked a paw. And Piglet, being a decent pig, every winter used it...

*****

Every year parents send me for the summer to the grandmother with the grandfather. Eh, you would know as I hate cemeteries!

*****

How to win against an alcoholic hangover? Today you are tormented by thirst, the head breaks up, hands shiver, the person though yesterday it was healthy, cheerful and pleasant on oshchup.
metod lecheniya.
1 swelled up. Let's say you incidentally have money. Get money from a pocket and run in magazin.
2. Let's say you in a pocket have no money, and still yesterday someone tore off a pocket. Descend in bank, draw money from account and run in magazin.
3. Let's say your bank account is already closed, do not trust, try to cause militia. Ask a grist which it postponed for purchase of a new jacket, and run in magazin.
4 for the wife. Let's say you have no wife because you spent on drink all her jackets for five years ahead. Urgently marry another and run in magazin.
5. Let's say refused to you registration under a pretext that you in the passport have no empty seat for a stamp. Ask as a loan for neighbors and run in magazin.
6. Let's say neighbors refused to you because you allegedly did not pay off with them for last quarter. Threaten that will give to neighbors in an eye, and run in magazin.
7. Let's say neighbors to you distances in an eye, in an ear, and still promised to come to tooth tomorrow. Having nursed a grievance on neighbors, sell the color TV and run in magazin.
8. Let's say you already sold the color TV, and together with a bedside table on which it stood. Sell all the rest (in the last turn sell window frames - in the winter cold, and in the summer mosquitoes bother) and run in magazin.
9. Let's say you sold everything, including a parquet, a tile in a bathroom and other bathroom equipment. E-e-e, old man, to you is time to tie, and that sopyetes.
10. Let's say you got stuck. Collect all empty bottles, hand over them. On the gained money buy window frames, the color TV, the wife and all the rest, and give nothing to neighbors - will know how to offend you.

*****

The man mows hay, and a bag with a lunch left on a tree. There pass by two drunks, saw a bag and gobbled up a lunch, drank moonshine. Solved the man to a podja... t:
- The Man and if your moonshine drink, you will mow?
-Budu.
-A will gobble up bread, will mow?
-Budu.
-A will gobble up fat, will mow?
-Is not present, I will not be. I when mow, my rolls rubs, and I will grease with fat, and everything normalno.
odin the drunk beats another on morde:
-I said that of shit stinks! And you: "Smoked, smoked!"

*****

The beautiful girl lies on a beach. The young man approaches it and speaks:
-you will have no sigarette? Lighter
-You're welcome.
-A?
-You're welcome.
-A it is possible to get acquainted with you? A drum not to give
-A to you?
-What for? of
-to Head a column, going on x... y.

*****

Girls on a beach bathe, suddenly feel, what from them remove kupalniki.
oni shout, krichat:
-Who is it? To them otvechayut:
-Ne be afraid of
A, girls! It we, delfina!

*****

The grandfather on an oven lies in the winter, and the woman vyazhet.
-Listen to socks, Avdotya, give polezay here - we will remember youth...
-Is not present... give you go and wait for me on a village fence as in youth, and then we will come home, well and...
-Ladno.
prozhdal the grandfather on a frost and angry came hour domoy.
-You that, the woman, went crazy? I was frosted over all!
-A mother with the grandmother did not let me...

*****

The girl a back lies on a beach up, a bathing suit will undo... The young man approaches and starts reeling up bathing suit straps on a finger. Devushka:
- The Young man, what you do it? I Catch
YUNOSHA:
-Bee-Bee-Si.
devushka delays its swimming trunks, looks and speaks:
-Empty! With your antennas...

*****

The sparrow flied-flied in the winter and froze. It fell to the ground, and to it it became already absolutely bad. Here by there passed a cow and shitted on a sparrow. The sparrow recovered, started, began to rejoice, and here by there passed a cat, saw a sparrow and sjela.
moral: not that enemy to you who trashed you, and not that friend to you who from shit pulled out you.

*****

Summer. Bus. Heap to the people. There is a drunk, and near him the fat woman who holds a hand-rail. Sharp stop. The drunk rests a nose against a sweaty, smelly, hairy armpit and hardly so speaks:
-Hear, the ballerina, lower a foot!

*****

Summer. Evening. Walk the guy with the little girl. Suddenly he not childly wanted to shit!
-to You, probably, it is time to go home, mother volnuyetsya.
-Yes, see off me, please, already darkly, terribly!
ON, reddening (there is a strong wish to shit): Give
-, only pobystree.
dokhodyat to an entrance, it gathers proshchatsya.
-Seryozha, at us at an entrance hooligans broke a bulb, it is terrible to me to rise one!
U it already process begins, an excruciating pain! Approach the elevator, does not work! Only rise, and mother a door otkryvayet:
-Serezhenka, come, we will drink a tea! Thanks
-, Tamara Ivanovna, but I hurry - mother volnuyetsya.
-I will call it, I will warn that you at nas.
dumayet: "All right, though to their posr". Only come, and itself slipped a mammon in a toilet! Thinks: "Everything, now directly here I will pile".
-of Serezhenk, I will go, I will put a teapot, and you so far to the room pass. There the dog lies, you slightly open a door accurately that not to hit it, turn on the light and wait for me. I bystro.
dumayet: "The exit is not present, it is necessary to dump on a dog". Takes off trousers, serit directly on a carpet. The little girl with a tray comes. Prinyukhivayetsya.
-Serezhenka, does not seem to you, what here unpleasantly smells?
-Still as seems. This is your dog, a padla, shitted!
-Fool! It plush!

*****

Summer. Housing estate. The summer resident takes to the local veterinarian the favourite doggie affected by fight with ezhom.
vrach quotes the price for treatment in 200 dollarov.
-to Chto-au-au?! You, seemingly, only also know that to tear up money from summer residents in the summer. Interestingly, and than you are engaged in the winter?!
-of Hedgehogs is trained!

*****

The summer, heat, goes the prostitute on park and tastefully licks morozhenoye.
na to a bench the guy sits, saw the beautiful girl and solved with it poznakomitsya:
- The Girl, give liznut.
-Not - and, I do not want to take off pants.

*****

Summer. Heat. With soft drinks approaches a tray student:
-Give me kolu.
-That-that? - did not understand prodavets.
-Such dark liquid consisting of a carbonate of sodium, sucrose, plant extract cooks and E5.
prodavets dye floutingly asks:
-to you as: with the long plastic sucking-away device of a cylindrical form or without that?

*****

The summer calls Winter and speaks:
- And why you even to yourself for new year did not invite me?
ZIMA answers emu:
-Yes I called you, but anybody did not take the call. I and till Spring did not phone!
LETO:
-Here is how! Then we with a Spring to you will come a bit earlier.

*****

Summer. The late evening, in park couples walk. Suddenly hear: in bushes shouts, fight sounds, a female voice hysterical tverdit:
- The Swine, cattle, I will not give! A reptile, I will not give, I will not give...
TUT caused militia, guards approach in time. Having heard shouts, militiamen are enough the man, pull out from bushes. Take away from it documents. The lieutenant attentively studies them, then is extended before the detainee, takes under a peak, orders to remove urgently from it handcuffs, apologizes, and then addresses to poterpevshey:
-Well, a grazhdanochka, there's nothing to be done, it is necessary to give you after all...

*****

Summer. The ant in a jersey, in bast shoes creeps, drags a log. Towards to it a dragonfly in bikini.
- The Dragonfly where you go?
-Ha a beach, I will sunbathe, pobaldeyu.
osen, the ant in a jersey, in kersey boots creeps, drags a log. Towards a dragonfly in a coat from Cardin, all on shpilkakh.
- The Dragonfly where you go?
-B Fashion house, there Kevin Klein arranges presentation of a new collection, here I will go, I will hang out in bomonde.
zima. The ant in a jersey, in torn valenoks creeps, drags two logs, towards a dragonfly in a mink fur coat, in Italian sapozhkakh.
- The Dragonfly where you go?
- The Winter after all outside, nothing to do, here on a party to the House of writers sobralas.
-Hear, a dragonfly, you will see Krylov there, tell it that it p... Tobol.

*****

London. Winter. Behind a window cold. To the terry British who got used to sit in such weather before a fireplace, smoking a tube and reading the newspaper, the young girl rushes on a threshold. Britanets:
-Than I can help you? zamerzla.
-I you will put
-Ya before kaminom.
sazhayet it before a fireplace. Through 5 minut:
-I zamerzla.
-I will cover you pledom.
... Through 5 minut:
-I zamerzla.
-I you now the fur coat ukroyu.
... Through 5 minut:
-I zamerzla.
britanets, losing self-control, it is hopeless asks:
-As to me to make so that you did not freeze?
-In due time my now deceased husband warmed me the body...
-Well and where in such weather to me to find a body of your late husband?

*****

The major makes the speech before kursantami:
-Companions cadets, you why without headdress go in the fall?
nuzhno to put on peak-caps, but not that will get sick with meningitis. It is such dreadful disease: only two outcomes - or died, or the fool. We with the brother were ill... The brother died!

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