Anecdotes about the time of year

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Jokes about the seasons

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Very attractive girl comes to the resort to have a rest, but here the ill luck - it suddenly finds out that forgot the swimwear! But she finds a way out of such situation: chooses a desert beach, undresses completely and comes into water. But here a fiasco - having bathed, she finds out that all her clothes stole! And she decided to wait for nightfall to ask somebody it to bring to hotel and thus not to be noticed naked. With nightfall there is it to the road, but there is no car, as ill luck would have it! And here suddenly there is a person by bicycle which appeared the priest. His girl asks:
- The Holy Father, you will not throw me to the city?
svyashchennik agrees. The girl sits down on a frame, and the priest is lucky it to the city in pitch silence. But nevertheless after a while the girl does not maintain and the Holy Father speaks svyashchenniku:
-, and unless you did not notice, what I absolutely naked? The Daughter washing
-, and unless you did not notice, what I have a female bicycle?

*****

- Hi, neighbor, how there your kid?
-Yes kid normally. And here the lack of a dream strongly affects us. Rather badly itself chyvstvyyu.
- And how Lena?
-Lena is I! Genk looks even worse...

*****

- Fathers, and the spring is?
-Eh, you still, the sonny, about summer asked...

*****

- The father, and in the composition about winter how to write: "In the winter in shop many palt or palty are on sale?" Write
-better about summer!

*****

The guy parts the girl two months. Everything already was: and romanticism by candlelight, both extreme travel, and a fireplace... Does not give, and all here. It does not maintain, approaches and directly in a forehead asks:
-I was tired already, money threw out a heap, time. Answer, you will give me or not?!
devushka:
-Yes, but under one condition. You have to sit out in a case of 2 weeks that then snatched on me, and forces at you were much...
yasnoye put, the guy agrees. It is locked in a case, pass 2 weeks... The girl in one silk dressing gown opens dver:
-Take me, darling! Case
IZ with horror watch two mad eyes, hands shiver, feet give away, approaches it, two fingers undertakes for grud:
-White... Soft... As hlebushka...

*****

The patient complains to the doctor of a bad dream. Vpach:
-you lay down today a bit earlier, calm the breath, relax, present that you on the coast of the ocean, are rolled on the coast waves. It is auto-training - the dream will be kpepkim.
chepez day. The same patient, but with terrible bruises under glazami:
- The Doctor, does not help! You did
-A how I spoke to you? Da's
-! Accuracy
-B? Da's
-!
-I that to you spoiled a dream?
-Yes these girls in bikini which ran on a beach...

*****

On the first of September the teacher came to the first class and started meeting pupils. The Boy, what is your surname approaches the boy and asks:
-? With
-Petrov, - the girl answers it malchik.
- And what is your surname? With
-of Smirnov, - the teacher to Vovochka answers it devochka.
podkhodit and the Boy, and what is your surname asks ego:
-?
-It ridiculous, I do not want to speak, you will laugh! Tell
-, what it at least reminds?
-that you take every day in rot.
uchitelnitsa suddenly speaks:
-Foo, the boy! As it is not a shame to you, well go out!
vykhodya from a class, Vovochka in the doorway is wrapped and speaks:
- And a surname washing, LOZhKIN!!!

*****

The first of September. Children came to school. Their teacher asks:
-Children how you spent summer vacation? Who where went? Let's begin with you, Petya.
-Well, I cool spent summer, went with parents on the South: sea, fruit, sea zhivotnye.
- And you, Seryozha?
-A that I? I at dacha: bog, cucumbers and mosquitoes.

*****

The writer tells the drugu:
-Know, I have every night the same dreadful dream: there is my editor and conducts on a lead of a crocodile. You only imagine these oskalenny teeth, these blinked eyes and the look burning with hatred, this cold hilly skin...
-Yes, is very terrible... Yes you wait a moment
-, I about a crocodile did not tell you!

*****

On the road the car quickly rushes. Suddenly she sharply is developed and crashes in derevo.
-Next time, - speaks, shaking off and spitting out teeth, the instructor to the female driver, - having seen a tree, try to pass by, but not to go round it from two parties.

*****

Coast of the Pacific Ocean, the finest beach, heat. Who at the ocean who ashore - to the people it is full. Suddenly the plane flies, the parachutist jumps out of it, lands on sand. All huge eyes look at it: in a crimson jacket, in a tie, in ski glasses and on skis. All start explaining that it got not there, on what that otvechayet:
-is quiet, friends! The following plane snow is lucky!

*****

New Russian caught a goldfish, and she to it and speaks:
-Now inflation, I will execute only one, but most treasured yours zhelaniye.
podumal, the lucky thought and speaks:
- There is at me one desire: I want to have a rest on Hawaii, and by plane to fly and by motor ship I am afraid to swim. Construct to me the road across the ocean, I will sit down on the six-hundredth and I will quietly reach...
rybka ofigela:
-Yes you that? You know, how many piles it is necessary to drive in, how many building matherals, working? No, very difficult desire, give another...
-I Have one more treasured desire: I want to comprehend female logic... Da- And
-... How many you, speak, piles it is necessary to hammer?

*****

The police on a beach interrogates the Russian tourist at whom just drowned Wife.
-Well you give, - police officers press, - the wife sinks near the coast, all beach hears how she shouts, and you even the heads not podnyal.
-Yes who knew, what it sinks? Shouted, as always...

*****

Last words... druggist: "I recommend to take these tablets..."
... hacker: "Yes who will look for me!"
... addict: "And I take from Roma, at them is cheaper..."
... steelmaker: "I speak to you, it cooled down! Look..."
... mushroom picker: "And they are precisely edible?"
... veterinarian: "And what with your chicken?"
... ram: "With a holiday of Eid al-Adha!"
... broker: "I take all your shares..."
... assistant to the pilot of a sport car: "Judging by the card, a direct road..."
... computer virus: "Ha! And protection at them any!"
... "teapot": "Ops... I hope, the system administrator does not learn"
... obstetrician: "Mummy, do not worry, your husband nearby..."
... the mute: ";yyaaaaa..."
... sapper: "On a horoscope at me today happy day..."
... drunk: "Well and let leaves, to us will get more!"
... hunter: "I and without gun will cope with it"
... English scout: "I will hide everything in this stone..."
... TV: "Let's interrupt on advertizing..."
... Cinderellas: "The godmother and how to get out of this pumpkin?"
... Frodo: "My charm..."
... door-keeper: "Over my dead body!"
... snowman: "Here and spring..."
... Danish artist: "It seems cool it turned out..."
... cleaners: "Well and pylishch in this transformer..."
... accountants: "You will think, the balance did not meet..."
... Kirkorova: "Alla, take off this pink jacket!"
... goalkeeper: "I catch this ball, and we are champions..."
. . "walrus": "As quickly an ice-hole I will be tightened..."
... shahid: "Smoke break..."
... Zurabova: "I suggest to increase retirement age..."
... loader: "There was a grand piano, and on houses..."
... pyrotechnics: "Salutes - our profession!"
... Putin: "I invited to Moscow "Hamas"..."

*****

The American, the Canadian and the Russian at whom in the country more cold zimoy.
amerikanets:
- At us on Alaska you spit in air in the winter argued, and on the earth already the small piece of ice lands!
kanadets:
-Is a hogwash! At us in the winter I cannot possat on the street - the stream freezes to the earth!
russkiy:
-Relax, guys! Here at us in a taiga... Left the house in the winter, told something, and words freeze and by the earth fall... And in the spring! (pensively) the Sun will warm, and over so easy taiga p... dezh!

*****

Why when in Novosibirsk switch off in the winter heating, victims say, what rich Moscow and when in Moscow hammer a pile into the subway car is guilty, victims do not say, what richer Nefteyugansk is guilty?

*****

Rules of organized bathing in a city pond. Management of a beach strictly, on pain of sudden drowning without any opportunity to escape, zapreshchayetsya:
1) to drive away from the bathing gadflies and flies boat veslami;
2) to pretend to be the drowned man and to stick in such look to orderly floating and zagorayushchim;
3) shouts "to Tone!" and "Rescue!" to irritate others uncertainly plavayushchikh;
4) to float on a board "It is strictly forbidden to bathe! " ;
5) to carry out in the preventive purposes an artificial respiration of companies to a mouth to all women on a beach on ocheredi;
6) to collect empty bottles on a beach and full on a bottom vodoyema;
7) to try to sell to vacationers water from a pond, calling it curative "a marsh estragon" of ;
8) to light for a sogrev of all beach after bathing fires from trestle beds and nearby larkov;
9) to swim away for an anchor buoy on avtomobilyakh;
10) to collect an advance payment for ice cream on coming nedelyu;
11) to try to jump from a big wheel to vod;y
12) to sunbathe without top, and that not each bottom it vyderzhit.
zhelayushchim to bathe it is necessary to leave as a deposit the passport or the driving license without effort to define in the evening, whether all left a beach and a pond. Bathing will be orderly carried out: groups with the trained group leader. Due to the congestion of life-saving station persons interested to be rescued have to submit the written application in 3 days.

*****

There comes the commission to children's hospital. July, terrible heat. They come and see: the nurse drives kids round a fir-tree. The commission was stunned, waited this nurse and sprashivayut:
-That you do! Now not winter!
-Yes will not be lived by them till winter.

*****

There come to the resort two healthy jockstraps, come into the best hotel on the coast, all examine and speak hozyainu:
-Well, the man, business such. Next week there will arrive to you our chief to have a rest, the hotel yours, it seems, suits us, only that: there two rocks stand, one is so best of all. And the tea is too much over the sea, they will irritate the chief. You move away them, leave a couple. Yes, and to the people at you in hotel there is a lot of. If you please, uberi.
khozyain hotel prizadumalsya:
- And who to me will pay all this business?
ambaly expose it on a rack the suitcase full deneg:
-Well? No problem?
khozyain of hotel estimated that a half precisely to it in a pocket padayet:
-Ladno.
na volume and settled. The next week, comes the chief to the resort. He sits on a beach, in the distance one rock - beauty, over the sea two seagulls rush, in hotel reign calm yes good fortune, any resident is not present. Behind the chief there are two of his jockstraps. The chief, stretching, speaks:
-Yes, only such minutes also you understand, what not in money happiness...

*****

There arrived somehow the aunt to America, lodged in expensive smart hotel. Once she decided to sunbathe. Rose by a roof of hotel, took off from herself all clothes and settled. After a while the employee of hotel and said:
-Sorry, please rose by a roof. The administration of hotel has nothing against you sunbathed on a roof. But, please, put on kupalnik.
tetka it was covered polotentsem:
- And it is so possible?
-Please, put on kupalnik.
-But why?
-You see now a lunch, and you lie on a glass roof of restaurant.

*****

The husband home after work the tired comes. Ate and went to bed with the wife. All night long the wife makes up to it, and he waves away from her and vorchit:
-Leave alone, Mashka, at me still a cone did not ripen... I want to sleep!
Ha repeats the next night the same samoye.
na the third night already the husband starts making up to the wife. She long suffers, at last turns to it and with irritation asks:
-You che stuck?
- The Cone ripened, - answers husband .
- And what now? - the wife grumbles. - I that, because of one cone will start all combine?!

*****

The new teacher in klass:
-Hello, children comes. My name is Gashishevn's Marihuana. From this day we will have everything in a new way. So, first question. How birds fly?
DETI druzhno:
-Jambs!
-As go cars?
-On wheels!
-That are eaten by cows in the winter?
-Travku.
-Is not present, children. Birds fly packs, cars go on the road, cows eat hay, and my surname - Oblomov in the winter!

*****

The guy with the girl comes to shop. The seller runs up to it. The guy speaks:
-Here I want to buy for the girl the most expensive shubu.
prodavets:
- There are no problems, - and takes out to him a fur coat from norki.
blondinka tries on and nearly pisat with happiness! The guy says that buys a fur coat, on what the seller answers that it costs 83 thousand dollars. The guy speaks:
-Is not present problems - I will write out chek.
prodavets takes the check and speaks:
-you understand, now evening of Friday, banks do not work any more. We will not be able to check your check till Monday. Come on Monday, we for days off will check the check, and on Monday we will issue pokupku.
paren understands that other options are not present, agrees and leaves with the girl. On Monday when the guy came into shop, the seller and zakrichal:
-ran up to it As it is not a shame to you to come to us once again? You on the account do not have anything!
Ha that the guy otvechayet:
-Calm down, I came not behind a fur coat, and to thank you for the coolest days off in my life!

*****

The man came to a beach. To the people is not present. Stripped to the skin and floated. It was bought, swims up to the coast, and near its linen the girl sits and the book reads. What to do? It dived again into water. Looks, at the bottom the basin lies. It took it, blocked before and approached to girl:
-Hi, the beautiful girl! That is done to
-Zdravstvuyte.
-?
-Yes here, the book I read, - the book answers ona.
- And about what?
-Yes as thoughts ugadyvat.
- And what now I think? - asks on.
-you think that the basin has a bottom.

*****

There will pass the winter, the summer will come. Thanks to the globe for it.

*****

Producers of umbrellas should pray on rainy leto.
proizDriveryam sandals it is necessary to pray on dry leto.
proizDriveryam beer it is necessary to pray on roast leto.
a to producers of vodka there is no time to pray, they should make!

*****

The brown bear after hibernation woke up. Got out of a den, looks and sees that near an old birch the shred of white wool lies. He asks medveditsu:
-Who it was?
medveditsa otvechayet:
-Polar bear!
smotrit farther and sees, what near a big oak the heap derma.
- And it who lies?
-Black bear!
-is interesting... And that so strongly the ass hurts me?
-Bear rod!

*****

The man wakes up in the morning, looks for a window, and there... neither birdies, nor grass, leaflets... The man in a panic takes off on the street and sees that kaptiny.
osmatrivayetsya on the parties, sees that on a border other man sits, beer is drunk also sandwich zayedayet.
-by the Man! Yes you that do? You look around!
-A that? You look at
-: neither birdies, nor grass, leaflets! And you drink?! I Drink
-...
-I you have a snack?!
-I I have a snack... You look at
-: anything is not present around...
-I that? Winter after all...

*****

Putin, addressing security officers and military: "A thermos - the greatest invention of mankind! In the winter in it the wife gives me hot some tea. When I leave to you, it does not cool down all day. In the summer - cold milk, and all day it cool... I cannot understand one! From where this thermos knows, when winter, and when summer?"

*****

Two women on plyazhe.
-Rather nastupila.
-That there the good would talk winter? Cold, meteli.
-in the Winter at me the man passes to studded rubber.

*****

Two new Russians on hunting in the winter to be winded solved somehow. Come to Kuzmich in les:
-Kuzmich, went on okhotu.
-What hunting, you that, sduret? Such cold!
DAT to Kuzmich hundred dollars. Well, Kuzmich puts on the paltishko:
-All right, follows hares we will run about...
-Is not present, Kuzmich, went to a bear... What
-bear? You that went crazy? The winter, a bear sleeps long ago, a paw sucks!
DAT to Kuzmich hundred more dollars. That beret ruzhye:
-Well, is sent...
prikhodyat to a den. Kuzmich thrusts into it the gun and shoots. The huge angry bear takes off and rushes on the new Russian. That is on a tree. The bear behind him clambers. New russkiy:
-Kuzmich, shoot!!!
-Now. I to it the right egg otstrelyu, and it will calm down...
strelyaet, shoots, to a bear though that - climbs further. New russkiy:
-Kuzmich, shoot at the head!!!
-Now, I to it the left egg otstrelyu, and it will calm down. .
strelyaet, shoots, to a bear on a drum - climbs further, almost got the man. New russkiy:
-Kuzmich, shoot at the head!!! On eyes I see, what not e... t me it climbs!!!

*****

Rzhev with Natasha walk in park. Fine day, the lake, float lebedi.
-Tell, the lieutenant, you never wanted to become a swan and here also to float on this marvelous lake?
- The Naked ass in ice water??? Dismiss - with!

*****

The fisher hvalitsya:
-That you interpret large ulova there! Here I caught such cod last fall that one photo weighed four kilograms.

*****

- Sara, the most awful dream in my life dreamed me. As if Abram leased the apartment, giving, garage for all summer and arrived to us to stay for a while!

*****

Two on the bank of the lake sit somehow. Suddenly see - the girl sinks. One jumps up, is going to rescue, another it odergivayet:
-Where it you?
-So after all sinks!!! We will rescue it, she will thank us, on a visit will invite, will give, probably!! Wait for
-. Let it will drown, we will catch it, and there it already anybody and to ask not budet.
devushka drowned, these put on masks, flippers and fall by a bottom. Pulled out... The first, having finished the dirty business, being already clasped and twisting a nose, speaks:
-Hear, only recently drowned after all, and already so stinks. Faugh!
VTOROY:
-Of course, that in a bathing suit was, and this in a jersey and on skates!

*****

The new movie is shot. The summary such is. The man creeps on the desert, pines with thirst and sees orange. Only he wanted it to eat, suddenly sees that there is a naked woman and speaks: "Give me a half of orange, and then do with me everything that you want". It shares with it orange, and... the love went pro-boundaries them. As experts invited the Englishman, the Frenchman and the Jew. Showed them the movie and asked them meniye.
anglichanin:
-I do not know who woman was, but the man was obviously anglichanin.
-Why?
-Only the Englishman, being the true gentleman, could, pining with thirst, to share orange in pustyne.
frantsuz:
-I do not know who was the man, but the woman - is obvious frantsuzhenka.
-Why?
-Only the real Frenchwoman could be given for a half apelsina.
evrey:
-I do not know who woman was, but the man was obviously evrey.
-Why?????!!!!! Only the Jew could find
-orange in the desert.

*****

The King of beasts on meeting of forest inhabitants collected and speaks:
-you Absolutely grew lazy, creatures wild! I was tired of you, I will not be your tsar! Animals about heavy consequences of this decision and vzmolilis:
-Remain
podumali, Leva. Where we without you?!
-is fine, but since then I will not think of the livelihood, each of you will bring me a piece of meat and who will not satisfy my condition, that will receive my genital body for the head! Agree? Animals soglasilis.
ves the wood the hare bypassed
I, but some meat did not find. What to do? He dug carrots and came begging to Leva. Flew into a rage Leva from such turn, got the body and started threat implementation. Yes only the hare does not apologize, and is filled in with a wild laughter!
-Slanting, you that, sduret? - the Tsar was surprised and increased speed. And the hare neighs everything more strongly! Hear
-, big-eared, what is the matter?! Yes wons the hedgehog to you apples drags
-!

*****

Pets - a horse, a rooster and a dog gathered - to discuss how to live further. Petukh:
-Not, you as want, and I dump from here. The owner slaughtered all hens, to trample down there is nobody, the grub is not present - I vykolupyvat the last remains from under snow. I will die from life such soon... To bring down from here nado.
loshad:
- And do not speak! Seine is not present, the last tree picked - edges outside a rod, the owner in general sober did not see, is not going to feed. It is necessary to bring down, and that we will die with hunger! Ball! And you that are silent?! You that, are happy?
SHARIK:
-Not, I will remain, at me here prospects are outlined some...
-?!? Yes I heard
-recently how the old woman to the grandfather uttered: "It is advisable to be engaged in preparation for the winter, and then at the Ball all winter the member perhaps we will suck that?"

*****

Dream, imagination, nightmare...
1. Dream: the wife approaches you and speaks: "Darling, we won the permit to the Bahamas".
2. Imagination: the charming neigbour approaches you and speaks: "Darling, we won the permit to the Bahamas".
3. Erotic imagination: the naked neigbour approaches you and speaks: "Darling, we won the subscription on the Bahama beach of nudists".
4. A dream in a hand: the house manager approaches you and speaks: "In December there will be a planned shutdown of heating. Forty days will not be hotter than water. If it is not pleasant, then go to the Bahamas".
5. Leaden sleep: the passport officer approaches you, silently takes your passport and sets the seal about Bahama ppopiske.
6. Hallucination: to the room through a window leaf the house manager flies, your passport is enough in a beak and dives in the party Bagam.
7. Nonsense: to the room through a window leaf the naked house manager flies, is enough in a beak your wife and the naked neigbour, and you sends to Bagamy.
8. Nightmare: your wife with the neigbour departed to the Bahamas, and to you to the room from all cracks naked house managers climb and speak: "Darling!"
9. Insomnia: water to you was disconnected. Ha the Bahamas nobody flies. The wife left you. You pace the room angry and cold and listen as behind a wall the naked neigbour speaks to the house manager: "Darling!"

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