Anecdotes about the time of year

Read funny Jokes about the seasons

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The elder brother sits in front of the computer. The younger brother suits and asks:
-to the Second World War, and the Second World War, teach me to ride on konkakh.
-It is in the winter, the brother, in the winter nado.
- And on skis?
-It too, the brother, zimoy.
- And by bicycle? Listen to
-, leave alone, go to pape.
through 5 minutes the joyful younger brother runs in and speaks:
- The Father is occupied, but the grandfather woke up and told that now he will get up and will teach all to ride a starprobe vehicle!

*****

Three blondes are knocked on Pearl gate. Saint Peter answers them, say, before to paradise to get, it is necessary to answer any unpretentious question from the Catechism, for example: what is Easter?
pervaya blondinka:
-Is in the fall when a turkey fry and guzzle then the whole day, huh?!
-is bad, bad, go by, - Saint answers Petr.
vtoraya the blonde, having thought, offers:
- And I know, and I know! It is in the winter when fir-trees put and gifts each other give!!!
-Went, - Saint Peter answers. Addressing to the third, it offers:
-Give ty.
-Easter now, - the third blonde speaks, is when Jesus and his pupils celebrated Jewish Side curls, Jesus turned wine into blood, and Judas betrayed it. And when they slept in a garden, Romans came and it arrested, and then it broke and crucified on a cross, and then it from a cross removed and put in a cave, and an entrance to a cave filled up with a stone, and then he revived...
-Well. . I, - everything that could utter amazed PETR.
A the blonde prodolzhayet:
-once a year this stone remove Now and if it gets out and will see the shadow, the winter proceeds six more weeks...

*****

The son went to study to other city. Receives the telegram from parents: "How passed examinations?" Soon parents receive from it the telegram: "Everything is excellent! Passed examinations perfectly. All teachers came to such delight that ask to repeat again in the fall".

*****

Tyomnaya Street. On it there is a pregnant blonde. Firing is suddenly distributed, automatic turns - dismantling sound. Two bullets get to the girl to a stomach. In hospital the doctor says to the girl that cannot take out bullets: either it, or a fruit will be lost. However it is possible to leave everything as is as a high probability of that all will survive. The blonde safely gives birth twins - the boy and the girl. Passes 15 years. The daughter drowned in tears resorts to mame.
-Mother, there was a terrible! I went to a toilet to pee and wrote out pulku.
-Oh, the daughter, anything terrible, everything is healthy! - speaks pleased mama.
k to mother Mother approaches synok:
-, there was a terrible!.
MAMA:
-You went to a toilet to pee and wrote out a pool?
-Is not present, mother, I decided to poonanirovat and killed babushku.

*****

Three girlfriends went to have a rest in different places at the sea and corresponded among themselves. In order that nobody guessed, than they are engaged, agreed to replace in the letter the phrase "to have sex" on "to fry potato". Here the first girlfriend writes
I: "Got acquainted with the guy. We go to a beach, we sunbathe, we bathe. Every day we fry potato" .
vtoraya writes: "Got acquainted with the guy. We go to a beach, we sunbathe, we bathe. Twice a day we fry potato" .
nakonets, the third: "Got acquainted with the guy. We do not go to a beach, we do not sunbathe, we do not bathe, even we do not leave number. For days on end only it is also done that we fry potato. When potato comes to an end, he licks a frying pan, and I suck the handle".

*****

Three men talk on a subject who what most awful sound in life slyshal.
-It when I fished in the winter on the lake, and ice began to break everywhere...
-It when I worked at mine, and before a collapse fix cracked...
-A at me when I with the woman in a bed was. Her husband entered, so I in a window jumped out...
-A sound where?
-B a window I jumped out, but it for eggs caught me. So the most awful sound was when it teeth tried to open a penknife.

*****

Take from the millionaire intervyyu:
-Tell, in what a secret of your success?
-Patience, my friend, terpeniye.
-But I can call one thousand things where will not help any terpeniye.
-For example?
-to Carry water in reshete.
-you are not right, it is just necessary to take a sieve and to have patience to wait for winter.

*****

The roadside snack bar has a huge motor van with the whole heap of wheels. Leaves drove, happy such. Devoured nourishingly, accepted a beer mug on a breast. Well! The man, a breast shaggy pochesyvayet:
-Eh, a class stretches! Eh, now still...
TUT because of a fence leans out Vovochka and asks:
-That, the man, probably also want to fuck? I Want
-!
-Well go and fuck! I at your taratayka punctured all tires!

*****

- Yes at you in Sochi even MTV is not caught... Provincials!
-But we have a sun, the sea, beaches...
-Wow!!!
-... Discos, on embankments guys with girls walk, kiss...
-Guys kiss girls?!!! Provincials!

*****

Surprisingly simply it manages to natives of Greenland to keep in warmly severe winter. That warm air at breath did not come to light, they hardly draw a throat a rope.

*****

Bill Gates died. Appeared before God. "Well - with, Bill, - God told, - I do not know where to thrust you, into paradise or into a hell. On the one hand, thanks to you almost in each house there is a computer now, with another - You created this awful "Vindouz". I will make that else never for anybody did not do. I will allow you to choose most. It will be allowed to you to glance for a while both to paradise, and in a hell, and then to make the choice. Well, we will glance for a start in a hell?"
posmotrev a hell, Bill was amazed - beaches with white sand, emerald water, Thousands frolicing beauties shaking on the waves which are laughing loudly and sunbathing... The sun shone, and temperature was ideal. "If it is a hell, - Bill told, - I all burn from impatience to see paradise". In paradise there were fluffy white clouds, the wonderful blue sky and the singing angels playing harps. Well, but not that... Bill, without reflecting long, told: "I want in a hell, My God". "As will wish", - God answered, and Bill appeared in adu.
through few weeks God decided to visit the billionaire. He found Bill chained to a wall, writhing in an infernal flame in a dark cave. He was tormented by demons. "How are you, Bill?" - the Lord asked. Bill in despair answered: "Awfully! At all not that I expected it! Where beaches, where beautiful girls, where sun?" "Ah, you about what!" - God told. So after all it was the screensaver!

*****

Russian lesson at the Georgian school. Dictation. The teacher slowly dictates: "There came the fall. From a tree the yellow leaf" .
uchenik fell raises a hand and asks:
- And what such "a yellow leaf"? I know
uchitel:
-of Ne, a bird, likely, some...

*****

The farmer from Arkansas sent the son to New York to great Frank Campbell that that trained it in a profession. Campbell was the owner of known funeral bureau. In some months the father arrived to visit syna.
-Well as, the sonny, learned much?
-Of course, father. I learned a lot of the new. And everything was very much interesno.
- And what there was the most interesting?
-we Had a case. Called us from hotel. The director found two corpses, the man and women who died in a dream in one of numbers. They lay in a bed absolutely golye.
-Wow! - the father exclaimed. - And what Mr. Campbell made?
-He put on the tuxedo and ordered to put on to me. We arrived to hotel, the person on duty called number of the room, rose with the director in the elevator by the necessary floor. All the time were silent because Mr. Campbell considers that everything needs to be done with big advantage. We three together approached this number. Mr. Campbell pushed a door with the cane with a gold knob, and it opened. We entered. On a bed really lay backwards naked the man and zhenshchina.
-Well and what further?
-arose a problem Here. The man had a member. Mr. Campbell, as usual, did not become puzzled. It waved the cane and very skillfully burst on the member, that that upal.
-So! And further?
-Here also began the end of the world. It appears, we came not into that number!

*****

What is the high? The high is when you at yourself at smart dacha in the country in a sunny weather shake in a gamachka that in a shadow of century pines. The almost inaudible smell of a smoke and aroma of a shish kebab reach. Magnificent blondes nearby, laughing, play badminton, the cigarette half stlet, you are overcome by a sweet somnolence, and suddenly... Huge KRAZ knocks out gate, through an unapproachable fence start pouring as peas from a bag, people in camouflages, run up to you, break hands, and the senior from all this camarilla, having presented by the officer of tax police asks you: "It is Lesnaya Street, house 25?" And you answer it: "Ne-e-e-et! It is Lesnaya Street, house 27!"

*****

– Something Indian summer this year some hrenovoye.
-What women - such And summer.

*****

The such naive rural guy leaves doors of the station and stops a taxi. Sits down and right there puts out the head in a window. The taxi driver long looks at him and at last does zamechaniye:
-Listen, the guy, generally is forbidden to lean out of a window!
-Ha and go you, a pancake! - the passenger explodes. - I want and lean out! My head, pancake! As you want
-, - the taxi driver distorts shoulders, turning away from the passenger. - Here only if you the head hook on a counter wheelbarrow, will pay!

*****

This winter on the suburb of the village "the Way of Ilyich" was shot the Jew. Scientists believe that only extraordinary hard frosts forced big-nosed to come out of the wood and to come nearer to people.

*****

- I see, you in a hut have no bathroom. Where you wash?
-B rechke.
- And in the winter?
-Yes how many there that winter?!

*****

- I on a beach met the man, it approached me and gave money. I Took.
- And man?
-That man? Why it to me such without money?

*****

There are on the mountain a brunette, the brown-haired woman and the blonde.
GORA speaks to them:
skazhite to me of what you now think but if tell lies, a subsoil of the earth will disperse under you and you will fall in an abyss.
bryunetka:-I think that I the most beautiful!...
I failed under the earth.
shatenka:-I think that I the cleverest!...
I failed under the earth.
blondinka:-I think........
I failed under the earth...

*****

The lawyer suggests the girl to play simple game - that it was not boring. The blonde refuses - she was tired and wants to sleep. The lawyer insists on igre:
-you will see, it is absolutely simple. I ask you a question if you do not know the answer, you pay me 5 dollars, and naoborot.
ona again otkazyvayetsya.
-Well, - the lawyer speaks. - Let's change rules: if I am not able to answer your question, I will pay you 500 dollarov; and on the contrary - You to me only 5.
togda the girl agrees. The lawyer asks it, how many kilometers between Earth and the Moon. Silently she gets 5 dollars, gives it and asks in the ochered:
-That rises uphill on three feet, and back goes down on four?
advokat thinks long, takes the laptop, tries to find something useful in the Internet, then calls friends - all in vain. In two hours it awakes the blonde and gives her 500 dollars. It takes them and again is arranged to sleep. It parts forcibly it and asks:
- And what answer?
ONA silently takes the bag, gives to the lawyer 5 dollars and fills up.

*****

- Two news are scarlet, darling, at me: good and bad...
-(fatefully) Well, begin with horoshey.
-(solemnly) the Safety cushion worked!!!...

*****

A very daunting task to reach consensus with itself at a huge choice of alternatives, - the blonde thought, having critically examined the clothes.

*****

Airport. On a runway there is a Boeing-747 following flight New York - Paris. There is a landing. Here the exhausted stewardess comes into a cabin and, choking, speaks:
"the Captain, there in the first class the blonde, at which ticket in the house-keeper sits. We ask it to change fifteen minutes on its place, but she awfully goes obstinate. What to do to us? Now the real passenger of the first class" .
kapitan speaks:
"will come there are no problems, now I will suit everything" .
ON approaches the blonde, something dins a couple of minutes into it then she immediately goes to salon the economy-klassa.
vse:
"the Captain how you managed it? "
kapitan:
" of Anything difficult, I simply told it that the first class flies not to Paris, and to London".

*****

The brunette came on a visit to blondinke.
bpyunetka made coffee and govopit:
-You know, there was in a teapot a hot water, and it is a pity to pour out. Where to put it? Deliver to
blondinka:
-it in the refrigerator. Hot water in the house is always useful.

*****

Two talk blondinki.
-From all working days I most of all love Friday! You do nothing, and simply you sit and you think how to spend days off! I prefer
-A Thursday!
-Why?
-Well, first, days off ahead, and secondly, also Friday!

*****

Library of Lenin. In a reading room silence, doctors of science, professors write theses. Here the nice blonde comes into the hall, approaches the librarian and speaks loudly:-Give me, please, a hamburger, potato and Coca!
bibliotekar (shocked) low voice:-Girl!!! Same library!
devushka in a whisper:-Op, excuse, a hamburger, potato and Coca...

*****

The blonde goes down the street to a car, turns on radio and slyshit:
"you listen to radio "Europe plus"! "
" My God, and from where all of them know?!" - the blonde thought...

*****

The blonde comes to shop and sees a nekhnakomy subject. asks:
-What is it?
EY govoryat:
- Thermos. In it hotter remains hot, and cold - cold. She buys it, next day goes with it to work. Shows sosluzhivtsam:
-It is my new thermos. In it hotter remains hot, and cold - holodnym.
ee sprashivayut:
- And what at you in it?
-Two to a cup of hot coffee and ice cream.

*****

The blonde in bank makes out credit.
menedzher:-Here write the sum in cursive script!
blondinka:- And how it?
menedzher:-Letters!
blondinka:-Young man, you in the right mind? How I letters will write figures?

*****

- Why the blonde runs under a shower backwards-forward?
-Because shampoo is called as "Wash & Go"

*****

The blonde - blondinke:
-You that did not blink the passer yesterday when passed a gaishny ambush?
-Yes I so blinked that already ink began to flow!!!

*****

The blonde - the blonde: - You are aware that to connect a sweater, three sheep are necessary!
-You do not say so! And I did not even know that they are able to knit.

*****

The blonde - blondinke:
-You is aware that to connect a sweater, three sheep are necessary!
-You do not say so! And I did not even know that they are able to knit.

*****

The blonde blondinke:
-Here I somewhere heard expression "The light head at you! "
-Probably, it about us!

*****

The blonde - blondinke:
-That you such clever?
-Ya - not the natural blonde, and krashennaya.
-Oh, quite good idea! Perhaps, I too will be recoloured!!

*****

Blondinka:
-It. I in Big will not go to "Nutcracker". I am afraid...
-Why?
-In the same place mice!!!

*****

The blonde and the brunette go in the elevator and get stuck. The blonde starts shouting: Help
-, to the aid!
bryunetka offers?
-Let's shout together?
blondinka:
-Together! Together! Together!

*****

The blonde and the brunette I go through park. The brunette speaks: "Oh, look at this at the poor died baby bird.".
blondinka looks at the sky and asks: "Where?".