Jokes about drunks

Read funny Jokes about drunks

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Alcohol is from what tongue it is loosened and braided at the same time.

*****

- To Alla?
- Hi, it I. I stand, you understand, near you. Brakes refused. It is necessary to reach garage. You could not... I you without brakes will not tow
-, and do not ask. The wrecker to you now vyzovu.
-Not, you did not understand. I you wil

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- To Alla, fast! Come soon, at me on a sofa the horned cat sits!
- Or perhaps at you "little squirrel"?
- Yes che I, cannot distinguish a little squirrel from a cat, perhaps?

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- Hallo the fast? Yes.
- Come soon
-! At my wife white goryachka.
-As you defined?
- Here the full room of devils, and she does not see them!!!

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The American expedition moves on our tundra. Day go, two, week...
vdrug look: in the middle of the tundra the drunk man in a fragmentary quilted jacket rolls. They to nemu
podbegayut also ask: Du yu Speke English? And he answers: Yes! Baht figlish
tolku...

*****

Americans and Europeans are afraid of any mikrobov.
a in Russia with them drink!

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Americans invented 1000 vodka and decided it to try. Well began with the Italian. Tried-died. Then to the Japanese dali-Umer. Well arrived to Russia, sit in bushes, wait for Russian. One goes on a tractor. Well they stopped it, on, speak, try. Well that pile, another. Well, speaks, I went. The American is sent, caught up with him, asked - Well and how vodka that? The Aaa, a class, you otrygntsya - the jersey lights up!.

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England. Medieval castle. In one of rooms two little girls so
svoimi nurses sit and speak about boys. Strikes 7 o'clock in the evening, enters dvoretskiy:
-your tea, the lady. Passes 10 years. In the room very young girls with nurses i
razgovarivayut about guys sit. 7 hours also enter dvoretskiy.
-your tea of the lady. Passes 10 more years. In the room two adult women i
govoryat about the husbands sit. 7 hours and dvoretskiy.
-your tea, lady. 10 more years passed. Two elderly women sit and speak o
chuzhikh husbands. 7 hours and dvoretskiy.
-your tea, lady. 10 more years. In the room two grandmothers and already about anything ne
govoryat sit. Punches 7 hours, and the butler is not present. 8, the butler is not present. 9, everything tak
zhe is not present it. In hours of the grandmother at last decide to look, what occurred with dvoretskim.
podnimayutsya they to its room, and it rolls on a bed in a board pyanyy.
-In what business, John? - ask oni
-My God as I was bothered by your this tea!

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Apollo and "Union" after joining fly together. They fly by over the Soviet Union and see millions of telescopes filled in nebo.
-What thirst for science in your people! - admire American kosmonavty.
-Not, they from a throat drink it!

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The druggist laughs loudly and dances. His second druggist asks:
-That happened? You are drunk or pricked? You remember
-, last winter at us pipes froze and burst? That plumber who laid us this hack-work, came to order medicine.

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Arnold Shvartsnegger and Bruce Li the absolutely drunk walk across Seattle. Bryus:
-About! Arnold, look - a coin! DARYU.
A next day on hungover Arnold snatches Wife:
-Again you drank with this cross-eyed!
- As you guessed?!
-A you as you will drink with it, eternally to the house drag manholes!

*****

The bartender tells znakomomu:
-What grief! Yesterday one of our regular customers died. Remarkable person. Every day drank not less than 30 (!) mugs of beer and two liters vodki.
- And why died? I have no
-of Concept.

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The woman advertizes in the newspaper in the section "I Want to Get Acquainted": I will get acquainted with the man of years 30, long-legged, blue-eyed, the brown-haired person and not pyyushchim.
through at its door distributes week a call. It opens, the man of years 30 is on the threshold, long-legged, blue-eyed, the brown-haired person and drunk in hlam.
baba: (with entreaty):
- I asked not drinking!!!
muzhik (the braided language): I came to tell
-A to you that you did not count on me!

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- What does the young lady wish to drink? To alcohol or samogonchik? Or, maybe, to cologne will desire?
- Oh, the right, I do not know... I am simply lost... Everything is so tasty, so tasty!

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- The father, alcohol - the enemy zdorovyyu:
-Vrag:
- And why you it potreblyaete:
- And as it is told in pisanii:
"Love the enemy".

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- The father, what you will be - white or red?
-I beer too...

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- The father, and how many you can drink?
- If for health and in the good company and under a good zakus and for the good of time, is unlimited. And yshsho one.

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Five minutes to eleven in a hairdresser's chair of villages muzhchina.
kogda the hairdresser soaped to it the person, the client understood that the master already nachal
vstrechat New GOD.
-you are drunk! I am afraid that you will cut me... - screamed kliyent.
- And you... you be not afraid... You only show me where you have a chin.

*****

Two talk podrugi:
-As your drunk there? Again at night money, on a casino and restaurants prosazhivat?
- Is not present. I seriously talked to it and he does not drink now, does not smoke, on restaurants does not go. Lies very quietly in reanimation.

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Two in pivnushke:
-talk I adore lullabies singing to the children. Hours till three nights I can! Sometimes even with friends!

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Unprecedented advertizing campaign of the Sosa-Sola company - under every seventh stopper - vodka.

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Sleeplessness waves wings in a window,
He is slept, not slept, would not be slept to me...

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The patient shows to the doctor black peeled yazyk.
-My God, what to you happened?
- Yes so, anything special. Simply I half of liter of vodka poured on asphalt.

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– What do You love - wine or women more?
- it depends on a year Of production...

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The bum approaches two students going down the street...
ODIN refuses flatly to give it money, another rummaged in a pocket - and gave to the bum a little rubley.
-Why you made it?! - Asks the first. - You know that it will spend everything for vodka!
-A we?.

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Borman came to Stierlitz home and saw the mountain of empty bottles, naked dancers from the next cabaret there and drunk in a smoke of Shtirlitsa.
na a table the note "Lay the task is performed, can rasslabitsya.
aleks".

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- What will be if from Russia all vodka suddenly disappears?
-B to the nature disappears nothing completely. If in Russia vodka suddenly disappears, so somewhere it will appear. Here where it will appear, there and budet
rossiya...

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You will drink or not?! Yes you children excuse
-, I even in reanimation.

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- There will be a dry wine? Fill
-.

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Bukhar with the juvenile son on the way home came in pivnukhu.
zakazal both beer and vodka, and alternates gradually. Synishka:
-Fathers, and fathers, let's try a little?
bukhar allowed it to taste also vodka and piva.
syn choked and otplevyvayetsya:
-Fie, fie what muck!!! How you only drink it, the daddy?
-A you with mother probably think that I here sup every day honey!!!

*****

Two drunks thump. speaks:
-Hear one, druzhban, you sometime rocket torlivo drank? You want to Try
-NET.
-?
-Davay.
-U me Kent works at Baikonur, prinesu.
vstrerilis tomorrow, vypili.
through day to one another zvonit:
-You went to a toilet?
-NET.
-Well you is accurater there, I from Paris call you.

*****

Men in the village thump. All drink - one does not drink. At it sprashivayut:
- And chyo you do not drink?
ON:
-I cannot - zakodirovalsya.
nu, one man decided to be coded too and asks:
- And where it was coded?
pervy otvechayet:
-Yes at ours kuznetsa.
prikhodit the man to the smith and speaks:
-Here, from alcoholism to be coded hochu.
kuznets emu:
-Take off trousers, become rakom.
muzhik was surprised, but took off trousers and a cancer rose. The smith otymet it on the full. There is a man, trousers are tightened and the smith emu:
-Will drink - I will tell all village.

*****

Three drunks thump. Suddenly one of them is disconnected and falls a muzzle in dirt. Another speaks tretyemu:
-Here, for what I love to Lech, so it that he always knows when to stop!

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There was one man, all the time as will drink, so wakes up in a trezvyaka. He decided to buy half of liter and to drink houses under an odeyalka. It is told, sdelano.
kupil, came home, undressed, climbed under a blanket and drank. Since morning wakes up in sobering-up station. I approach the cop and asks:
-As so, at home, under an odeyalka?
- Here, that's it in an odeyalka we also took away you when you went for the third.

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It was established that a group of persons by previous concert being in a state of intoxication committed the most cruel murder of time. It is remarkable that participants of a crime called the actions by the innocent phrase "Human interaction".

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Quickly drunk glass is not considered juicy.

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In the bus the drunk man becomes hollow, grabs a hand-rail and begins dergatsya:
- And well r - r - disperse! Now I will pull out!
- of Puny strength will be small - to pull out a hand-rail! - maliciously notices standing nearby tetka.
-Y-I pr-r-reduprezhdal! Bu - e-e-e-e-e-e...

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In the bus, terribly using foul language, the drunk man enters. Do to it zamechaniye:
- The Citizen, do not use foul language in a public place!
- the Russian person does not use foul language! The Russian person a mat talks.

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The man from a strong hangover comes into the bus. Gets from a pocket "chekushka" with a glass, pours and, having stupidly stared, long looks at a glass. The controler approaches: "Companions! Prepare money for journey" .
muzhik, having started, with pleasure speaks: "Precisely! For journey!!!" and quickly drinks glass contents.