Jokes about drunks

Read funny Jokes about drunks

Jokes about drunks

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On the waste ground the foreman addresses to crew stroiteley:
-my Friends! Today we will begin! Also remember: we build solidly, without matheral theft, we build as it is possible better as soon as we are able because we build for sebya.
- And what we will build? - ask rabochiye.
- The Sobering-up station!

*****

At a wedding of cynologists the drunk accordion player played 2 hours on a Shar-Pei.

*****

In court client's lawyer:
-Ya I want to make the official statement! I want beer!
prokuror:
-Protestuyu! I want vodka!
sudya, after minute thought:
- The Protest deviates! I too want beer!

*****

At a tram stop the drunk man clasped a column not to fall. Approaches it same poddavshiy:
-That you stand? The Tram I wait for
-...
-So from this hrenoviny will not let in you...

*****

On the street the drunk asks prokhozhikh:
-Tell, p-p-please, where the p-p-opposite side of the road here?
EMU pokazyvayut.
-Absolutely were stunned - and there say that here!

*****

On the street cost two drunk and sporyat:
-Seven moon in the sky!
-Is not present, eight moon in the sky!
-Is not present, seven!
-Well, let's ask the militiaman. Companion militiaman!
MY, here, here argued with the friend: how many now the moon in the sky?
militsioner raised the head up, blinked the eyes and speaks:
- And you in what row consider?

*****

- Something is necessary to beer vzyat.
-Let's pampers take that in a toilet not to run.

*****

Inscription on a vodka bottle: "Before abuse to stir up!"

*****

Pour to me vodka, I want to wash away from myself a civilization raid.

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Flew somehow drunk on the slanting. Faced, in obshchem.
kosoy - pyanomu:
-Look where you go!
-A you go where you look!

*****

- To you to pour?
-Is not present, I for rulyom.
- And that came by the car? Would leave it doma.
-So hurried - thought, without me will start drinking...

*****

Nark finishes the third kosyak:
-Oh, I fly, I fly!
MIMO creeps alkash:
-Dai and to me to do some flying!
-Well on...
alkash was tightened several times...
-Something I a horse-radish do not fly?!
-A, give here! Given rise cannot creep to fly!

*****

Experts in narcology are concerned. More than 60% of rock musicians use drugs …. No, that some rock musicians use drugs, they are obespkokoyena. And that in Arkhangelsk the ensemble of balalaika players, words becomes an inveterate drunkard.

*****

The police squad came across the alcoholic lying under zaborom.
-Get up, we will take away you in a sobering-up station!
-If I could go, for a long time would leave home.

*****

Next morning after a fight Alphonse comes into the bar and sees, what all floor is covered opilkami.
-Tell, this sawdust is filled to absorb blood spots?
-Is not present, these are the remains of yesterday's furniture.

*****

National alkoosobennosti.
1. Features National OKHOTY.
OKHOTA vypit.
2. Features National RYBALKI.
TAK to get drunk - to fall asleep and narybachit.
3. Features National Bani.
napitsya in a bath of vodka and to depart in Leningrad.
4. Features National VALYUTY.
ZHIDKAYA.
5. Features National ELEKTORATA.
If are a choice between B?la and Red, almost all will choose Beluyu.
6. National FILOSOFII.
If the quantity does not turn feature into quality in any way, it is necessary to drink eshche.
7. Features National POLITEKONOMII.
DENGI - Vodka - Dengi.
8. Features National SEKSA.
If are not present vodki.
9. Features National EKSGIBITSIONIZMA.
NAPITSYA vodka and to bare the dushu.
10. Features of National NATSIONALIZMA.
- Vodka of bars?
-of bars Big!
11. National UKHARSTVA.
PIT through a tubule or to crumble features in vodka of bread and hleb@t lozhkoy.
12. Features National NECHISTI.
NAPITSYA very much to drink together with them, and then without nikh.
13. Features National TEA TSEREMONII.
CHAY not vodka, is a lot of not vypyesh.
14. Features National FOTOGRAFII.
VYPIT instead of vodka of developer and zakrepitelya.
15. Features National KINEMATOGRAFII.
LUCHSHEE the cinema is vino.
16. Features National DURAKOV.
ONI do not understand that vodka already then should be drunk that it spirit in an order privodit.
17. Feature National DOROG.
NE it is a lot of fools on roads, how many drunk for rulem.
18. National LOGIKI.
NIKTO vodka will not drink feature?
-Yes (Anybody) - False.
-Is not present (will not be) - False.
-Well (Nobody will be) - False.
-Is not present yes (Here we will be) - True.
19. Features National GEOMETRII.
through one point to draw two slanting straight lines parallel given pryamoy.
20. Features National SHAKHMAT.
ZADACHA about 8 puzyryakh.
kak on a chessboard to place 8 bubbles so that having drunk from the first bubble 1 shot glass, from the second - 2, etc., you did not get to a sobering-up station?
otvet: Without bottle not razbereshsya.
21. I will find features of National ENGLISH YAZYKA.
VODKI! - What can I do? 1jj .ru&
Дую every day beer! - Do you every day Beer?
uodki uypy?
22. Features National SPORTA.
LITRBOL and Samogonka - the Formula 1.
23. Features National BEZRASSUDSTVA.
SHUTYA to throw to the lake a bottle, and all day behind it nyryat.
24. Features National KONEVODSTVA.
POSMOTRET, whether horses will drink in the mornings champagne?
25. Features National EKVILIBRISTIKI.
PRIYTI home on brovyakh.
26. Features National LEKARSTVA.
OT a sincere indisposition - vodka, from corporal - vodka with pertsem.
27. Features of National TEMPERATURY.
40 gradusov.
28. Features National GIGIYENY.
PEYTE alcohol - worms not budet.
29. National STOMATOLOGII.
BAKHNUT a glass of vodka and to pull out features to itself flat-nose pliers zub.
30. Features National PSIKHOTERAPII.
NAPITSYA vodka to go crazy and start loading vodu.
31. Features National PSIKHOKHIRURGII.
NAPITSYA vodka and to start catching for skalpeli.
32. Features National ABBREVIATUR.
LTP.
33. Features of National NONDRINKERS And YAZVENNIKOV.
NA a freebie are drunk even by nondrinkers and yazvennik.

*****

Since March 5 vodka Putinka is renamed, and "the president's tear" is called

*****

- Our cook Haskins told me that you were so fine taken yesterday that tried even to roll out a barrel from the cellar. It's true?
-Yes, I is healthy yesterday vypil.
- And where I was at this time?
-As where? You sat in a flank...

*****

Men found a bottle, it seems, with vodka and here trouble - a glass only one. It is necessary to drink in turn. The first drank - fell dead, the second posomevatsya, drank - fell dead. The third poured, got cellular, zvonit:
-Hallo, fast? Here on the waste ground three corpses!!! ?

*****

- I do not love the drunk!
-Ya too. As I will get drunk - so I hate myself!

*****

- Why you do not work? - the bricklayer at pomoshchnika.
-Yes after yesterday's asks hands tryasutsya.
- Then sand sift!

*****

It is not necessary to look for an occasion to drink on Friday. Friday is already an occasion.

*****

Without thinking and without seeing anything before itself there is down the street a drunk. Straight off crashes into a lamppost. From blow flies away, clutches at the head, and, lamenting, it starts being turned on a place, again goes forward and again hits the same column. Then it silently sits down on trotuar.
-I Will wait when meeting comes to an end.

*****

Unbearable began to live to one bum, and he solved, in a dirty station toilet booth to commit this unfair suicide. Got on a toilet bowl and attaches a string to a rack, suddenly looks, and in a window crack, someone hid big chinarik. He stopped, decided to smoke finally, got za
bychkom and touched a cover from a drain tank which nearly fell. And there it appeared started, but chekushok vodovka. How not to drink?
kryaknul it hundred grams, sat down on a toilet bowl and tsibarit slowly, and eyes drives around. Suddenly sees!
ChTO for the exfoliating peregorodochny wall chervonets was filled up!
VOT sits it further, smokes, looks, at chervonets, at a loop, at a chekushka, scratches turnip and speaks: "Yes chyo I? Life that is adjusted!"

*****

The Black costs drunk in dupl, a tree embraced and bopmochet:
-Okhkh, !~@#$%^& on the homeland I want...
pyssky podkhodit:
-Hy che to place?

*****

Recently married young woman complains to the girlfriend, what her husband pyet.
-If you knew, what he so drinks, why you married him?! - udivilas
podruga.
-I had no concept that he drinks! And suddenly once it comes home the SOBER!...

*****

No, in strong intoxication it is impossible to have sex. From above rocks to sleep, from below you fall asleep.

*****

The drunk man comes home with the mistress. The door opens Wife.
-Ts-s-s! - he speaks to it conspiratorial whisper, - tell that you are my sister!...

*****

I cannot be defined in any way: glass half clown or half bush?

*****

NEVER the Russian person will tell: "In vain yesterday drank!" Is not present, he will tell: "In vain added. "; " in vain had not a snack. "; " in vain not houses. "; " in vain not with those.", but NEVER: "In vain in general!"

*****

Book razvalov.
-V.P. Gruby "Do not touch a novelty our "". The collection of articles directed against modern reform ukrainskogo
yazyka. Kiev, prod. "Garmydar".
-I. A. Goncharov. "Fiasco", "Otpad", "A cool lavstoriya". Trilogy. M, prod. "Juncture".
-"Eustace - to Alex". Collection of encryptions. Berlin, prod. "VEG".
-"My Universities". The reference book for coming to technical training college, the containing list of the technical training college renamed v
universitety.
-"As one man of two cannibals supported". The anthology of criminalistics history about cases lyudoyedstva
na Rusi.
-"White Fang". A practical grant for the beginning stomatologists. Prod. "Bite".
-Marquis de Sade. "As are good as birches were fresh!".
-N. Gogolman-Mogolman. "A nose, a mouth, an ear and other bodies from three letters". Textbook alternative anatomii.
-B. Spock. "If your child not Spock". A grant on leaving for mladentsami.
-N. Nekrasov." Frost Red Nose". About alcoholism cases during an ice cold winter time. Prod. "Alcoholic".
-"To a lump in Russia is well to live?" Telephone reference book of oligarchs of Russia. M, prod. "Zakaznyak"
-"Gutta-percha Boy, Girl, Girl, Woman". Catalog reference book of domestic sex shops.

*****

New Year's noch:
pyany the man rings a door. Opens for him Wife.
on comes, accurately closes behind itself a door, turns a back to the wife and speaks:
-to me on the seventh!

*****

New Lada beer - does not open from the first.

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- Why the new century begins from 2001st year, but not with the 2000th?
-Because a new box begins with the twenty first bottle, and on the twentieth the previous comes to an end!

*****

New year. People have an excellent mood, the good company, relatives, friends. On a table Russian salad salad and many other delicacies there is enough binge, of course. A chiming clock punched midnight at least a four hours ago, and fun everything proceeded. One of ladies, attendees na
prazdnike, was fairly taken and so and cannot show anything plainly, and master the own body not in forces. It was necessary to her husband as to allocate for a careful half the wife home. It was lucky that they lived opposite, through the road in the neighboring house. Well here, so together with the brother,
vedet the sensitive husband the wife home under white ruchenk, and it to them, raising with effort golovu:
-I a demon …
I back powerlessly drops the head on a breast. Rabotlivy the spouse otvechayet:
-Yes, you are not a demon, you are a devil in a skirt!
ONA again thin golosochkom:
-I am a demon … What
ON:
-you are a demon, you are a witch drunk!
Ho the wife not unimayetsya:
-Yes, I am a demon …
-Yes a demon, you - a demon, - having reached already the house, answers suprug.
i here, probably, having recovered from fresh frosty air, the woman says:
-I without slippers a little!

*****

New year. There comes year of a dog. The man gathers for a carnival i
odevayetsya in a suit of a dog. On the road it is caught in an insole by the drunk fleecer i
tashchit on zhivodernyu.
-Release! I on a carnival, year of a dog after all!
-all of you, dogs, so speak.

*****

Night. The man is sadly trampled down on snow on one place. Casual prokhozhiy:
-You che in such kolotun are trampled down here?

*****

Night, beach, coast of the Moskva River. Under sprawling oaks-fir-trees the merrily company sits and notes closing of a beach season together with Birthday of one of associates. Noise din, shish kebabs guitars, topsy-turvy...
B bushes caught a hedgehog. Further follows dialog:
yurik (holding an animal and looking to it in a muzzle): Know
-, children, in my opinion it is a girl...
leshka (lighting with a small lamp of a hand of the friend):
-Absolutely okhrenet? Same hedgehog

*****

Night. Drunk climbed on a belltower and started ringing a bell. People ran together. Drunk speaks:
-How many time?
LYUDI otvechayut:
-3 hours nochi.
pyanyy:
- And that do not sleep?"

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