Jokes about drunks

Read funny Jokes about drunks

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Turn at a beer stall. Revolted vozglas:
-Why do not add?
prodavshchitsa, addressing to ocheredi:
-Hear, men? This goat wants that beer was not enough for you!

*****

Invite one guy in a sauna, and he otkazyvayetsya:
-Well that I will do? otvechayut:
-we Will be washed by
EMU, we will drink wines, we will talk. Let's go!
-is fine, went. I will not wash, and wine I will drink.

*****

Comes bukhar home after the night spent in a sobering-up station, and home the wife does not let. The dry trees of forces simply net.
pozvonil it to neighbors press a muzhichenka. The neighbour's kid of years so 5 opens. Well the man asks a glass of water. The boy brings a glass. The man drank and still asks. The boy of a half of glass brings. The man drank, and itself sppashivayet:
- And chyo for the first time the whole glass was, and now a half?
-So, understand the uncle, I small and do not reach the crane, and in a toilet bowl water already came to an end …

*****

The drunk man came home. In a pocket it still had three rubles. Next morning it there was a wish to pokhmelitsya. It - in a pocket, and is not present money. Takes a goose and on bazap.
ppikhodit drunk, and the wife sppashivayet:
-You did not see our goose?
-Departed to warm regions, - the man answers, - and if you rummage on pockets, and the goat will go to mountains.

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The man from a big boduna wakes up. Sits down on a bed, clasps the head hands and stonet:
- There was a Friday Yesterday... Tomorrow Saturday... MY GOD! And what today?!

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- Fathers, vodka rose in price! Now you will drink less?
-Is not present, the sonny, you will eat it less!

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- Fathers and where beer grows?
-Beer, the sonny, does not grow, beer, the sonny, get!

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- The father and in what blasphemy is expressed?
-It, the sonny when your mother speaks to me: "Again any rubbish of saws! "
-I where here blasphemy?
-Well as, such to speak about vodka!

*****

- The father, buy pivo.
- The Sonny, otstan.
- The Father, well buy pivo.
- The Sonny, keep silent, I ask tebya.
- The Father, well, buy beer, I see how to you it is lousy.

*****

- The father, mother told that now vodka expensive, and you will be less pit.
-She is mistaken, the sonny. You will eat it less now.

*****

- The father, here cologne stood. You did not see?
-Well so... khm!

*****

- The father, you are an optimist or the pessimist? I do not know
-. The optimist has a glass half full, and at the pessimist half the empty. And I as soon as pour a half, at once I drink.

*****

- The father, why you have a red nose?
-From tomatoes, dochenka.
-You that, constantly eat them?
-Is not present, I them have constantly a snack.

*****

- Father! What is "drunk"?
-you See two birches? And drunk it seems, what them chetyre.
- The Father, and where the second birch?

*****

- The father and words it is DIFFICULT, DIFFICULT also HEAVY these are synonyms?
-Is not present, the sonny! It is DIFFICULT to refuse the offer to drink. It is DIFFICULT to calculate the optimum dose. And HEAVY it in the morning!!!

*****

- Father, and who such alcoholics?
-of Wons you see 4 birches. Here, and it seems to the alcoholic that them 8. Understood?
-Understood, the father. Only there 2 birches...

*****

- The father and why you have a red nose all the time?
-From tomatoes, the sonny!
-You that, constantly eat them?
-Is not present, I them have constantly a snack!

*****

- The father, I was tired to bear the sister, give I I will incur butylki.
-You that better, and suddenly you will drop!

*****

The guy woke up in the morning after a wine party and Wan rings round the friends on telefonu.
-! I at you was yesterday?
-Is not present, not byl.
-to Sing, and I at you incidentally was not yesterday?
-In my opinion byl.
-So it you had jumping lemons?!
-A, a padla, so it you when cooked cocktail, squeezed out in a wine glass a canary!

*****

Parisian cafe. One client was fond of absorption of alcohol. The waiter it is poisonous speaks emu:
- And you know, what because of alcohol every second Frenchman suffers?
kliyent otvechayet:
-As is good after all that I am not Frenchman, and Russian.

*****

The passenger addresses to lost and found:
-Ya forgot in the train a portfolio with five bottles vodki.
ego did not bring?
-HET.
HO but brought the passenger who found it.

*****

The pastor reads propoved:
-Alcohol is your enemy number number one. You will get drunk, will surely quarrel with the wife, grab the revolver, and being drunk, all the same will miss.

*****

The Easter-only day in a year, in which alcoholics, with a clear conscience,
pyyut for health of God.

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On the first of January, 2001, three o'clock in the afternoon. The man after a booze wakes up, a black eye is given, the ugly face swelled up. Looks at himself in a mirror, long thinks and thoughtfully speaks: "And so you what, person of the third millennium..."

*****

- Petrovich and where you took vodka, you had no money?
-Yes there, at a playground two zhmurik kicked the bucket, and it between them stood!
-So it begun! You disdain
-A?

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Petka would ask Vasily Ivanovicha:
-Here you could drink now a glass vodki
-Well Petka ask, konechno
- And a bottle vodki
-Well could BY
-Well, and a bucket of vodka could BY
-a pause -
-Is not present Petk could not. Lenin, here HE could.

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– The liver completely brings alcohol out Of an organism for one sutki.
-Yes!Therefore it is necessary to drink every day.

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The liver, kidneys and other internal want to thank warmly a brain, for generous provided 48-one-hour break in the use of alcoholic drinks, and ask to put any cheerful song

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Beer is an engine protsessa
zhazhdy a satisfying and, in particular,
prevrashcheniya belly pressa
v a chubby safety cushion

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Beer Zhigulevsk cannot be forged, because, at it, blyat, every time new taste!

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- Beer is?
-Beer?! Beer - to drink!

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- Beer good? I do not know
-, I drink foam so far!

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Beer - the word "bread" in which made 4 mistakes.

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Beer is - mind it is not necessary!

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St. Petersburg. There is a man in cabinet of curiosities the baby freak in alcohol and something mutters to itself under nos.
a excursion was near, and the guide very much interested that he there to himself mutters. Approaches and asks:
- The Young man, what you speak to yourself under a nose?
A it otvechayet:
-Is lucky.... Forever young. Eternally drunk...

*****

The cabbage in a stomach floats. From above flows vodka.
vodka:
- And che it you sit here? There on top so veselo.
kapusta:
-Now we will look, - clambering upward.

*****

The bad habit to drink in the evenings vodka generates a good habit to drink in the mornings kefir and mineral water...

*****

On the way home the drunk thought out how to spend the wife that that did not guess that he again got drunk. "I will come home and I will begin to read, - at last he solved. - The wife will see how I read the book, and will think that I sober". So he also made. In a minute the wife entered na
kukhnyu and sprosila:
-That you do here? I Read
-, - the Idiot answered husband .
-! - the wife cried. - Close a suitcase and go go to bed!

*****

Down the street there is a lady with a doggie. Towards drunk alkash.
-You where to a bough conduct this?
- The Citizen, it not a bough, kobel.
- And I not you ask it!