Jokes about drunks

Read funny Jokes about drunks

Jokes about drunks

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Comes into the bus pyanyy.
-D-d-va the ticket, - he addresses to konduktoru.
- And still that? - maliciously asks again konduktor.
-A-a-a... And two beers...

*****

In the bus the man asks at malysha:
- The Boy, what is your name?
-Alkasha.
-I I am a drunk! And from where you go?
- From lagelya.
- And I from camp! And where you go?
-Ya - to the woman. The man with udivleniyem:
-Hm! And I to the woman! Whose
-K? The
-K!
- A-a-a! And I to the others.

*****

In the bus to the people chock, as always in a scoop. Goes in dupel pyanyy
muzhik and hardly keeps. Eventually, it did not sustain and sblevnut on sidyashchuyu
tetku. That jumps with krikom:
-Faugh! Pig!
muzhik thinks... and vydayet:
-look At yourself!

*****

In the bus the tipsy man long looks for a trifle in pockets. At last gets two rubles which right there slips out at it hands. The man sharply bends down to lift him, and... makes an indecent sound. Confusedly smiling, he loudly tells on all avtobus:
-Nerves - to hell!

*****

In the bus there is a woman. On it all the time drops the head drunk, standing ryadom.
zhenshchina - the Man, you that? The man - Oh, sorry, madam. with astonishment so - Oh, mse
frantsuz? - And abuse m?

*****

In the bus hour pik.
- The Man, you are drunk, awfully drunk, disgustingly drunk!
-A at you, the girl, feet curve, awfully curve, disgustingly curve! And I will be sober tomorrow!

*****

In apteke:
-to me please, alcohol half-liter... You the recipe have
-A?
-A as?! It is necessary to add 750 grams of boiled water, two lozhechki
sakharnogo sand and to insist week on orange-peels...

*****

At the airport Russian comes into the international bar and orders a vodka bottle. Drank two shot glasses. And something to it the Japanese not ponravilsya.
russkiy:
-Hear, yapon, we will go we will leave, pogovorim.
vyshli they, the blow is heard. The Japanese it is proud the Japanese stutska comes in bar.
-, however, to dziu-dziyets nazyvayetsya.
russky silently comes into the bar with a shiner under an eye. Drank two more shot glasses. Again approaches to yapontsu:
-Hear, a braid, we will go we will leave, pogovorim.
vyshli, the blow is again heard, the Japanese comes into the bar and speaks:
- The Japanese stutska, however, karate nazyvayetsya.
russky silently comes into the bar with a shiner under the second eye. Drank up a bottle. Again approaches to yapontsu:
-Hear, a braid, we will go we will leave, pogovorim.
vyshli, the strongest blow is heard. Russian comes into the bar and speaks:
- The Japanese feature, however, the bumper from "Toyota" is called.

*****

The visitor comes into the bar and, pointing to the drunk person, speaks to the bartender: - To me, please, the same.

*****

The drunk visitor comes into the bar and calls barmena:
-Fry to me that parrot in a cage!
- But is very rare parrot, it costs 2000 dollarov.
-I pay!
zazharili, bring to it on podnose.
- And now cut off for 10 dollars!

*****

Two gloomy types come into the bar, approach a rack about what with the bartender and leave. The waiter asks:
-it is interesting, what in our nonalcoholic bar it was required to these dvum
banditskim to ugly faces? They ordered
- on a glass of tomato juice and 1 million cash.

*****

In the bar muzhchina:
-to me, please, martini with orange juice... Byanko's
devushka:
-?
posetitel, obizhenno:
-Well why at once a booze, is simple to sit!

*****

In the bar very upset visitor sits and drinks already the tenth glass of whisky. The bartender approaches and sympathetically asks:
- At you something happened?
-A, is guilty of everything my wife, - he complains, hardly moving language. - At it is not present any maternal chuvstv.
- And what has happened?
- we strong squabbled Last night. I flew into a rage, seized our three-months child what fell down in a bed, and threw him in nee.
- And what?
- And so it evaded!

*****

In the bar two strongly drunk men sit at a little table. asks:
-Listen to one, and you where live?
- On Avenue Mira.
-Wow, and I too there live! And in what house?
- House 109.
-horse-radish to itself! And I live in this house. And the apartment at you what?
- the Apartment 251.
-Is not present, wait is I live in the apartment 251!
- of That? Yes you went to a horse-radish - I live in this apartment, understood?!!
TUT between them is tied draka.
uvidev it, the bartender tells naparniku:
- The Pancake, these so bad brothers, when the drunk...

*****

Whether in a botanical garden absolutely drunk man costs before blossoming kustom:
-I Can... Not... Would I like... Not... Whether shit I... About! Magnolia!

*****

In vinovodochnom:
-to us please two adults on 0.5... and, probably, one nursery 0.25.

*****

In those days, when wine and vodka departments worked till 21:00, exactly three minutes to nine in shop the disheveled out of breath little man flies and, with relief exhaling, joyfully speaks: - Faugh, thank God, was in time! Stretches to the cashier money: - Three sixty two! Cashier (apathetically): - In what department? The man (on the verge of failure): - In CONFECTIONERY, bl%d!!!

*****

In old nice stagnant times there was a young woman with the girl of years of the 4th mimo
ogromnoy turns to wine shop. And there was an early morning, spring, and gardens, i
peli birdies blossomed, both rang trams, and there were they with the girl to a garden. And this malenkaya
devochka a ringing young voice on all street reports mame:
-Mothers! You said that the stork brought me, and Pashka from the senior group told, chto
If not eb@t, children will not be! Both birdies broke off, and trams, i
nastupila universal silence shut up, and the young woman in a deposit dropped out, was dumbfounded,
osteklenela. But there was turn an old drunk with the emaciated, spent on drink face,
snyal he is polite from the bald head the bedraggled kepchonka and said prophetic slova:
-Madam! And it in something is right!

*****

In the pay-day the wife found the husband in a pothouse. It having seen it, vozmutilsya:
-Listen and it is simply offensive! Why you always go straight here? Why you never look for, me, for example, in the museum?

*****

In the village the Lower Roosters passed the regional championship - "To steal in 60 seconds". It is most - 25 liters - in 60 seconds were succeeded to steal to the grandfather Troph?me on old, still Gorbachev, the device...

*****

In the house of pioneers of Kristall plant the exhibition of children's hand-made articles from alcohol, beer and moonshine opened.

*****

In good podpitiya the man comes back home about three o'clock in the morning. In a corridor a wall clock starts beating off new hour of
-Yes, I know that already o'clock in the morning. Also I should not repeat three times.

*****

In dupel the drunk man rolls on the road. The Uncle approaches devochka:
-, to you it is bad?
-Inn-nna...
-Ya not Inna, I am Sveta. The uncle to call an ambulance?
-Inn-aaaa!.
-Ya not Inna, I am Sveta... The uncle, where do you live, I will allocate you domoy.
-for Inn-aaaa!!!...
-Ya NOT of INNA, I am SVETA!
-INNAAAA ...Х#$ OTSYUDOV!!!!!

*****

The drunk hedgehog goes to a smoke on the wood, approaches a hole and starts shouting: "Hey ty-y-y! Х###ня-я-я! Vykhodi-i-i-i! "
Tak proceeds some time at last from there the hostess of a hole and speaks:
- The Hedgehog gets out, well how many time can be repeated - I not х###ня, and a muskrat, a muskrat! Clearly to you?
EZHIK stood, scratched turnip, hiccupped:
- Well, here still! I х###ню on formal terms will call everyone!

*****

In a dymina the drunk GAI officer stops the truck...
- Man! I already for the fifth time ask you! What it at you from the car pours?
- Companion captain! I already the fifth time answer you! Winter... Ice... I strew....

*****

In an ass of the drunk man expose from bar since it is already time to be closed. It on the braided feet approaches the first car,
shchupayet a roof somewhere half-minute then speaks:
-It not moya.
zatem it approaches the following car, again feels a roof and again zaklyuchayet:
-It not moya.
barmen, observing all this scene, asks:
-As it you, interestingly, naoshchup define, your car or not? Mine on a roof has to have
-A a blue flasher.

*****

In Institute of Applied Physics of AN of Russia it is theoretically proved that the vodka liter poured on a floor occupies the space equal to one square meter and actually represents square litr.
provesti practical experiences at scientists so far the hand does not podymatsya.

*****

The fan enters an office of the doctor to drink and it is unfriendly, zayavlyaet:
- The Doctor, only do not say that I much pyyu.
-Really, by no means, - speak vrach.
-you simply have a snack a little.

*****

The man enters an office of the doctor, his hands drozhat.
-drink Much? - asks vrach.
-Not really. More and more p-p-rolivayu.

*****

In an office at nevropatologa:
-to you it was necessary to endure nervous shocks?
- directly at me in the eyes alcohol washed out Once the computer.

*****

In cafe two talk podpugi.
-Know, expensive, your dahlias simply struck me! How to you udalos
vypastit such miracle?
-A your tulips? I such never videla.
tut the drunk man behind the next little table bend earlier to them and ppoiznosit:
-By the way, about flowers... Here my secretary has a white-white bum as a lily,
A call for some reason Roza.

*****

To the apartment the Uncle Petya calls neighbour's malchik.
-, to us there arrived guests, and the father asked you to borrow to us shtopor.
-Of course, the kid. Go and tell the father that I will only change clothes and at once I will come with a corkscrew.

*****

To the apartment of the terminated alcoholic - a call to a door. It does not whom... Lowers the head - below on a threshold something small, in white, with a tiny braid. It: - And so what you, Death!
ONO: - No, be not afraid, I am Impotence!

*****

At the Kiev food institute the dissertation on "As It Is Correct to Have a Snack Vodka" .
pravilno is defended it is necessary to have a snack vodka vinaigrette and cream of wheat because cream of wheat leaves then easily, and vinaigrette - it is beautiful.

*****

In the communal two-room flat one room is occupied by a young family s
rebenkom, and the second - the lonely drunk. It had a bad habit: vozvrashchayas
domoy at 2 o'clock in the morning, he took off boots and threw them in a wall. eto
poryadkom bothered neighbors, and the husband posovestit it. That promised not to brawl. Coming back v
ocherednoy time, the drunk neighbor in a habit took off a boot and threw it into a wall,
NO remembered the promise here, quietly put the second on a floor and fell asleep. Prosypayetsya
ot knock at a door. On a threshold sosed:
-Listen, you have a conscience? We do not sleep two hours - we wait until TY
you throw the second boot.

*****

At the end of December. On a column the announcement hangs: "You can order Father Frost and the Snow Maiden by phone 278-0015". The drunk man holds a column and rydayet:
-Killers, villains... Father Frost and that was ordered...

*****

In the resort town height of the season. A brothel perepolnen.
doshlo before that at night couples have a good time even on a roof. In odin
prekrasny the moment the lady with the client in a rush of passion do not notice anything and v
objyatiyakh land directly on the sidewalk, having nearly crushed prokhodyashchego
pyanogo. The drunkard starts banging at a brothel door. To it otvechayut:
-Drunk we do not let!
-A is also not necessary to me. I only wanted to tell - at you the sign fell down!

*****

In summer cafe the guy approaches to okoshku:
- The Girl! A bottle of vodka and the cook-koly.
zabirayet bottle also leaves. Through 30 minut:
- The Girl! A bottle of vodka and the cook-koly.
zabirayet bottle also leaves. Still through 30 minut:
- The Girl! Bottle of vodka and cook-koly.
through bottle chas:
-Girl! Give a bottle of vodka and this... to a sprite butyl, and that something from Coca-Cola feels sick me.

*****

In what we are in the lead, so it in number of designations of degree of intoxication.

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