Jokes about hunting and fishing

Read funny Jokes about fishing

<** Previous Topic          Next Topic **>

349  350  351  352  353  354  355  356  357  358  359  360

From features Finnish national rybalki:
-Well, and than you there in Finland are engaged in the summer?
-Yes actually at us two main national hobbies: fishing and seks.
-Well, and in the winter as? In the winter we fish do not catch
-A.

*****

Fair svistun, being culturally expressed, this Danish storyteller. It was necessary to guess - an ugly duckling! Near a place of my catching every day mummy vypasat three lebedit. Lebedyonysha already of the size of a duck, from below - white, and from above - ashy-brown. And fluffy, as koalas. Krasava, but not ptentsy.
kstati, about birdies. In due time in one collective farm dug a big pond and started carps there, about to part. And swans were drawn and divorced then independently. And here then the male-lebedun arranged to fishermen the real red terror. Told, only you will lure and you will catch couple of big fishes as suddenly from bushes runs out powerful shipun with wings in a rastopyrka and attacks the fisherman with obvious intention to break to that hands, feet and other parts of a body. And there is a wish to eat. Here also fishermen ran around bars as hares, feet fed them not less, than wolves.

*****

Either fish pecks, or the woman gives (Fishing wisdom).

*****

The man approaches the fisherman and, looking through a shoulder, asks:
-Well? Klyuyot or not? Caught something?
-Yes, - gloomy answers the fisherman, - recently caught one and threw in reku.
- And why? Very small?
-C you about growth. Too all stuck, klyuyot or not.

*****

The man approaches the fisherman sitting ashore. Long and attentively looks at a float. Then lights and nachinayet:
-Yes, fishing is a thing. And the family advantage, also irritates positively...
rybak molchit.
- And fish soup what of a small fish that itself you will catch! Miracle! You will lick fingers!
rybak molchit.
-It only women think that fishing - empty pastimes. It is necessary to catch fish skillfully. Here both the bait matters, and top dressing, both a rod, and a hook...
rybak ryavkayet:
- And, above all in fishing - that nobody plagued!

*****

Somehow time, being on holiday on Maldives, mobsters decided to fish. Hired the yacht, put out to sea and put out a feeler. Sit, fish. Suddenly the police boat, and from there krichat:
-Hey, on the yacht taxis up to them! You have a license for catching of fish?
-Not - and. No!
- Then from you a penalty for fishing of fish without litsenzii.
- And we also do not catch fish. We "green", we clear a bay bottom of everyone iron hlama.
s these words they pulled out rods, and cops saw that on the end of a scaffold the huge magnet is attached. Having shrugged shoulders, police officers departured vosvoyasi.
odin from New russkikh:
-As it is healthy that today we decided to catch fish hammer!

*****

Somehow one inveterate fisher freezed the man's advantage on fishing. Comes to the surgeon and speaks:
- The Doctor help, rescue it...
doktor looked, felt and speaks:
-Accept condolences, but it is necessary to cut... absolutely, already you will help nothing...
muzhik all in the upset feelings decided to try the luck, went to the children's doctor, told it, so supposedly and so, the surgeon, speaks it is necessary to cut... And detvrach otvechayet:
-Well, you, be not upset, well get up here on this stool... so, and now jump from it... aha, here he also fell off, and that, understand, to these surgeons if only to cut all...

*****

Somehow I went on fishing with the brother Tad. Soon he caught tselyy
sadok carps, breams and any other fish, and at me though times klyunulo.
vernuvshis home, I took its rods, got on its boat and went to fish, thinking, chto
uzh here to me will carry. Passed hour, two - any poklevka. And here some ryba
vysunula the head from m water sprosila:
-Hey, a rybachishka, and where your brother?

*****

How to prepare a jellied sturgeon: you take a pollock and you fill in that it is a sturgeon.

*****

Somehow, when I came home, I was met by the wife dressed in sexual lower belye.
ona stretched me two ropes and told erotic golosom:
-Connect me and do everything that you want! I connected it and went fishing.

*****

How fishing?
-is EXCELLENT!!
-That? Caught much!
-Well, could not even throw!

*****

How your hubby after treatment feels? - one woman podrugu.
-Perfectly asks! It vanishes the whole days at city fontana.
-That it does there?
-Catches rybu.
- And it does not seem to you, what of it did not finish the cure?
-is possible, you are right. But I so want an ushitsa.

*****

What you are a fisherman in the 21st century if you do not own "Photoshop"?

*****

Crucian - karasyu:
-Listen, you, of course, can not believe me, but that fisherman at whom I broke from a hook, weighed not less than 90 kg in any way!

*****

- Klyuyot? Yesterday I twenty five pikes and forty crucians picked at random
-! You know
-A who I am such? The Inspector rybnadzora.
- And you know
-NET.
-who I am?
-NET.
-Ya first brekhun in the area.

*****

When real men tell about the sizes of the member - the real fishermen have simply a rest.

*****

The mosquito which bit the drunk fisherman then two more hours told it about the heavy life.

*****

Hearts came to an end at the man. What to do? Found a chip and on it wrote: "A red worm". Only threw a rod, right there a poklevka. The man strains, drags, looks, and this log, and on it an inscription: "The cool bream".

*****

Well, the man gathered for fishing, speaks to the wife: I, a pancake, on fishing idu.
zavtra on any. And that's all, I missed on rybalke.
a the wife to it in reply: I those know, the buzzard, see, che invented, on rybalku.
opyat at three o'clock in the morning will be dragged in drebadan the drunk. You, me fairy tales about fishing not rasskazyvay.
muzhik: Well you are a woman yours from mind went haywire. Told, on fishing, means on fishing. I want rybachit.
skazano - it is made. At daybreak the man rose, belongings collected and uyekhal.
tri hour of the next night. Knock at a door. The wife gets up and goes otkryvat.
na a threshold hardly there is a man. In drebadan the drunk. His muddy look is focused on the wife, it slowly raises a forefinger: Uuu, the stinker, cawed!

*****

Fire on which fish soup cooks, and round a fire fishermen sit. Well and one of them tells vsem.
- Once I caught gold rybku
- And what ordered to myself?
- You know, the small fish some strange got! The pier tells one desire can only grant... and that of two listed! Or h.y to make more or to improve memory? Well and what you chose
-? - Yes here also I do not remember
...

*****

By the way about fishermen: The fisherman has to have nerves of steel and a pig-iron bum.

*****

Two crucians lie in ooze, razgovarivayut.
-Hear, you will not believe - the fisherman at whom I broke, weighed, well, it is not less than 120 kilograms in any way!

*****

Lenin climbs on bronevik.
-Companions! The revolution appointed for tomorrow otmenyaetsya.
- And why?
-Felix Edmundovich left on rybalku.
- And what, without it it is impossible?
-Yes without it is possible, but here without "Aurora" - in any way.

*****

Summer. River. Ashore two fishermen look how on the river the beautiful girl rides a water ski. speaks:
-Present one, here it would begin to sink, we would rescue it, I would kiss her, we would get acquainted and...
vdrug the girl and really began to sink. Men jumped in water, dived, pulled out the girl and the dreamer, having closed eyes, carefully kissed ee.
-Listen, it somehow strange smells, and in general something not tak.
-Aha here, and still ours was on a water ski, and this in skates.

*****

The man catches fish in not put place. The militiaman approaches and speaks:
-Pay rubley.
- Then wait hundred, for such sum I did not catch yet...

*****

The man catches fish on a rod. Hour catches, another... He pecks... Well he also decided a glass to toss from a grief. Only poured - here as to the klena?! The man a rod be enough, cuts, so and the glass in the left hand and holds. The ruff the size jumps out from water slightly more hook and... plyukh directly in a glass. The man from a grief of a ruff back to the small river threw out, the glass slapped and again put out a feeler. Here fish as trample?! Breams, pikes, crucians... It is more than one another. In ten minutes a pailful. The man drags a bucket home and suddenly slyshit:
-Here a ruff, the swine?! And spoke pour and release...

*****

Two fishermen catch fish. Pecks at first nothing, at the second the biting goes on hurrah, udochku.
pervyy:
- The Friend only manages to throw, prompt on what you catch? Tablet
VTOROY:
-Na from trippera.
pervy throws everything and runs in the next apteku.
-Give me three, five packs of tablets from a gonorrhea. prodavshchitsa:
-That already caught?
-Is not present, but a place I know about @@ the unlimited.

*****

Tore off an ice floe with the Pomor fishermen from the coast and carried away in okean.
spetsreysom the Ministries of Emergency Situations to them immediately dumped food, clothes and scientific apparaturu.
tak quickly and cheap anybody did not manage to create the drifting polar station still.

*****

The love is a fishing, does not peck - clear out!

*****

Frog, having seen two fishermen in the boat, decided to swim up to them and pospeaks.
-Well, the friend, pecks? - she asks shepotom.
-does not want, - the fisherman silently answered. It swims up to the second fisherman. - Well, pecks?
-is silent... Pecks...
-A to me without difference... I swim here! - that there are forces cried lyagushka.
tak we will drink for that nothing prevented successful fishing!

*****

Little Albert calls to the neighbor and when that opens a door, soobshchayet:
-Mother ordered to tell you that the father left on fishing, and I will play in the yard in a sandbox...

*****

The little worm, crying, asks mat:
-Mother, mother, and where the father?
-Become silent, the father left with men on fishing.

*****

Whitebaits ask karpa-ottsa:
- And what such a pan?
-Is a jacuzzi where water temperature is not regulated!

*****

Mother addresses to synu:
-Take the little sister with yourself on rybalku.
-By no means! sharply objects tot.
-Why? Here you will see, it to you will be meshat.
-Yes in it business, mother, - waves away the son. - I took it s
soboy last time, so she to me devoured all worms...

*****

Medvedev and Putin interceded for fishermen, having assured that it will be possible to be engaged in fishing in ditches, pools, toilet bowls and other places without fish absolutely free of charge.

*****

- My husband is caught in-oh-oh-so a fish!
- And my husband brought with fishing unopened half-liter bottle.

*****

The young guy catches fish, but pecks at him not really. Suddenly the elderly man and speaks:
-That approaches it, does not peck?
-Yes, not ochen.
-E, does not know youth an old antiquated method! Here, look! With these words it gets the body, lowers it in water. After a while he pulls out huge rybu.
-Understood? - he speaks molodomu.
-Well, give, do as I, and I will direct you! Well, young pulled out body, lowered it in water. the old - emu:
-Well, pecks! Give, cut! Yes wait for
-, wait slightly!!!

*****

The young man the first time got on fishing and hvastayetsya:
-I took matches... Suddenly somebody a shish kebab zakhvatit.
opytny answers with ukhmylkoy:
- And all matches took...

*****

The husband comes back from fishing and aims impressions with zhenoy:
-Never thinking, what people can be so zhadnymi.
- And what happened, the road? - Yesterday we agreed with friends: who the first will catch a small fish, that and puts butylku.
-Well and what?
-A that all began to use cunning. One caught a small fish, but a rod from water does not pull out. "Then" I see, and at another pecked, but he too does not hurry tyanut.
-Means, you had to put?
-It, Mash, I after all outwitted them, did not begin to get a worm on a hook.