Jokes about hunting and fishing

Read funny Jokes about fishing

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The husband comes from work. On a table zapiska:
"the Road. I at the girlfriend. A dinner on a plate. Rods in a corner. If the pike is more expensive than five rubles - buy perches."

*****

The husband gathered for fishing in remote deaf mesto.
-You put to me in a backpack a frying pan? - he asked zhenu.
-I on it will fry caught rybu.
-Yes, the wife told, - and at the same time put two banks of sardines and a can opener.

*****

The husband gathered for fishing, in the morning at the crack of dawn went outside, and there sleet. It returned and to a bed. Zhene:
-Tam such bad weather, snow, a rain speaks!
Wife answers: And mine, the fool, on fishing popersya!

*****

The husband passionately loved fishing, and the wife awfully loved chitat.
one day in the morning after hours-long fishing the husband returned tired and solved zdremnut.
a the wife though she also did not know this district, decided to sweep by the boat. She buried a little, was tired, dropped an anchor and began to read. Soon to it the fish inspector on motor lodke.
i swims up speaks: "Good morning, grazhdanochka. Than it you are engaged here? "I read
"" - she answers, and itself thinks:... Unless it is not visible?
"But here cannot catch fish of" .
"So I and I do not catch... You see. "
" Well! However you have all necessary for this purpose! I am compelled to fine you. "If you it will make
", I will submit for you the application for rape" answers annoyed zhenshchina.
"But I did not even touch you...! "
" Well! But you have for this purpose all necessary! "
moral: NEVER argue with widely-read women!

*****

The husband for the third time in a week comes back with rybalki.
Wife:
-Yes how many it is possible! Would earn money better! Every day that fish soup,
TO fried fish, I will become covered by scales soon!
husband (with enthusiasm):
-Yes the hell with her, with scales, the main thing that forever became silent.

*****

The man took with himself on fishing the wife. She observes how it gets chervyaka:
-That you potter with this worm? He at you died!
- At all also did not die, and fainted. Now I will make to it an artificial respiration, I will bring round and let again catches fish. There is nothing to feign ignorance!

*****

The man comes back late with rybalki.
podkhodit on tiptoe to a door and very quietly stuchit.
Wife otkryla.
muzhik (in a whisper) - Lena, a cat of the house?
Wife: - Come, be not afraid I sprats bought it.

*****

The man, coming back from fishing, meets druga.
-Well as went?
-is normal... That caught
-this time?
-of Anything, women was decided not to be taken...

*****

The man speaks zhene:
- The Darling, I for a week will be winded on rybalku.
ty to me collect zakida, hooks, tackles there and do not forget to put my favourite yellow pajamas in a bag!
uyekhal. Comes in a week. The wife asks as passed rybalka:
-Oh abruptly, oh cool, has a rest cool! Only you forgot to put my pajamas!
-Is not present, did not forget, I put it in your backpack from zakida!?

*****

The man goes by bicycle to the country. A heat, an uphill road, was exhausted. On the bridge decided to have a rest. Sees - on the bridge one with a rod costs, at a float looks. The man approaches him and asks:
-Well, we catch a small fish? The fisherman molchit.
-I speak, we catch a small fish? Again molchaniye.
-Well that, deaf? I ask - we catch a small fish? That watches everything at a float. The man spat, villages on is great further all in sweat uphill saws. Drove off kilometer three, turned back and sees - the fisherman to it waves very much supposedly come back rather. Well, it was developed, moved down back. The fisherman emu:
-Well, we ride the bicycle?

*****

The man comes in fishing magazin:
- The Girl, you have silicone baits?
-Man! I have all natural!

*****

The man (M) in job searches comes into shop fishing snastey.
i speaks to the director of shop (D):
M: Take me on rabotu
d: Well... Yes, it seems, anybody is also not necessary, and you have recommendations?
M: No, take me with a trial period for 2 weeks besplatno
d: Well, tomorrow leave on rabotu.
zavtra the man came to work. The director going on shop sees muzhik
obshchayetsya with the buyer (P), decided to approach poslushat:
m: Kruchki was chosen, it is necessary a scaffold!
P: Nda...
M: Here watch what cool, 10 kg maintains easily!
P?!!!
M: To you still fishing-rod nuzhno.
p: for sure.
m: Take this: cheap and strong - You will curtail into knot - not slomayetsya.
p?!!!
M: From the coast to fish not in a high, the boat is necessary to you.... this!
P: Vakh!
M:... Yes, you will not drag the boat on yourself we go we will look pritsepy.
p: I will take this. What's next?
M: Go to cash desk paying $30000, we to you now everything upakuyem.
pokupatel pays and ukhodit.
d: Pancake, you the best! I take you for work, you the client smo
graskrutit from some hook to the trailer!!!
M: What hook? What trailer? Whether it simply approached me and sprosil:
"there is no laying at us to the wife", and I speak to it: "and that you budesh
5 days to suffer, go on fishing!".

*****

The man comes into shop and speaks.
-I will buy wons of that carp from you, only throw it through prilavok.
-What for?
-Well that I could tell the wife that I caught it.

*****

The man went to fishing with spending the night. Sleeps. O'clock in the morning. The man wakes up, slyshit
vdaleke: "Oh, bl@d!" The man pricked up the ears, lies listens. Only
slyshit started filling up, is (much closer): "Oh, bl@d!" Well, the man peretrukhat, took a big stake,
stal from an entrance to tent. Waits. After a while in tent zasovyvayetsya
golova: "Your matches will not be?". Man stake: "Boom". Head: "Oh, bl@d!"

*****

- The man, went on рыбалку.
- Yes you che. I to fish not umeyu.
-A that here to be able - pour and drink.

*****

The man arrived on long-awaited fishing, weather was not set also any poklyovka in a day. In addition, the boat leaked, got wet to the skin, drowned a mobile phone... In the evening, bringing together snasti:
-Da- And if fishing so did not calm, would kill somebody!

*****

The man comes to vrachu.
-Dokhtur - I cannot pee in any way! The bladder will burst soon! I make an effort - I make an effort - does not flow... Let's look at
-.... Buddy! So after all at you the genital is tied by knot!
-Yo.....! I forgot to dig out worms!

*****

The man spent some days at the mistress, and to the wife told that left for fishing. Comes on the way home into fish shop, buys a live carp and asks prodavtsa:
-Throw, please, through prilavok.
-What for?
-A that I could tell it to me with a clear conscience that I caught it...

*****

The man wakes up in the 5th mornings to go fishing. Collects rods, puts on, goes outside. And on the street it is cold, a rain and a wind. The man thought: "Here it is cold, and there the wife warm" and returned. Br-r climbs to the wife under odeyalo:
-! Well and weather!
Ta answers through son:
- And do not speak! And mine, the fool, went fishing.

*****

The man, the fanatic fisherman, married for the second time. Here somewhere in a month comes to the ice all such beaten, with bruises, redressed... Sits down and being silent starts fishing. Friends approached, ask that with it such sluchilos.
on reluctantly rasskazyvayet:
-Well, here I come last week home, the wife asks: where was? I gave it fish, I speak - on fishing was. She again asks: where was? I speak - do not see, on fishing. She speaks: I ask the last time - where was? I again speak - on rybalke.
... Who could think that it is aware that the pollock is not found in Dnieper...

*****

The man on fishing caught a frog and she by a human voice speaks. Dismissal?! I will turn back the fair maiden and I will love you as will want?!
muzhik thought. Also thrust it in bank. zakryl.
ya tells a cover now at such age when I am interested in the speaking frogs more, than are red - maidens.

*****

The man from fishing returned, to him the neighbor came in gosti.
sosed: - Well as fishing, caught much?
muzhik: - Oh, much. Came home, threw out - a full toilet bowl.

*****

The man from fishing goes, sees him the neighbor in giving sits in a chaise lounge, and before it Kafelnikov with Safin are cut in tennis.
-Hey, you as it?. It to me the Goldfish desire executed
-! Where you it got
-A?
-Yes in our pond, at once behind a cane, only it old already, carries out only one desire and almost line does not hear!
muzhik threw the moment to a pond... generally poymal.
nu, fish really old. The tail oblez, is practically not present a chekhua, companies a message in hooks. Well human golosom.
-I also speak already old, I can only one desire execute! Also speak louder, and that I became hard of hearing... I Want
-a lot of money!
-of That is a lot of?
-of Dollars!
-of That-that?
-DOLLARS! It is A LOT OF DOLLARS!
-A-a-a-a! Understood. I will make. Go to yourself good luck! Will be to you... how you called them there?
-Dollars!
-Aga.
muzhik runs to itself on giving, and there from all over the world to it fax messages fly. All giving, all house the fax-bugamoy, generally is hammered with faxes. The man was upset. Here pancake, deaf fish. One desire, and that not correctly heard...
podkhodit sosed.
-Yes be not upset. I after all too asked not big tennis from fish?

*****

The man went fishing, sat down, poured a glass, put near himself and rybachit.
chas sat, was exhausted to wait. Suddenly - pecks. Well, it cut, gets, and from a hook small karasik broke and directly in a glass. The man of a crucian threw out, bit and further sits. Suddenly to it fish tumbled down and all krupnye.
muzhik caught, how many it is necessary, gathered and left. In a pond two fishes bazaryat:
- And the crucian, a padla, speaks: "Nalivaaat, and then otpuskaaaat".

*****

The man fishes. The float long time remains motionless. Suddenly nearby on a water surface jumps out big shchuka.
-Silence! - the man shouts. - You will scare away fish.

*****

The man catches fish. Sees - the float began podragivat.
"to cut Early, let will swallow", - the man thinks. The float became even stronger koleb@tsya.
"Early, let for certain will swallow", - the man thinks. The float disappeared under water, a rod - an arch. The man hazardously cuts and drags a rod on himself. The worm from water takes off and oret:
- The Man, you that, were stunned? Slightly fishes did not eat me!!!

*****

The man sits before a hole in a terrible frost and catches fish, by there pass two rybakov.
-Hear, the man, you that without cap, kolotun нев@###ный?
- Yes well on #$#, sat in a cap yesterday, so did not hear, ring road to thump called.

*****

The man sits, fishes. Hour passes, two, and it not klyuet.
-My God! - he begged. - I put to you dozen of candles for one small fish. At the very same time the scaffold stretched, fish got, and, to see, krupnaya.
-It was lucky! - the fisherman was delighted. - Also there is nothing on candles tratitsya.
tut fish struck with a tail and broke with kryuchka.
-My God! - the man was upset. - Already it is impossible to joke...

*****

The man gathered on rybalku.
-You why take with yourself a lot of money? - asks it Wife.
- And can be, good it will be cool!

*****

The man is capable to sit 2 hours without moving, to look at a float, and to wait 5 minutes while the wife puts on, its nerves are not enough!

*****

- Men, I caught a goldfish yesterday!
-However, perhaps? Well, tell!
-Yes what to tell, - bony, an infection...

*****

Men, what the main thing in fishing?
NET, not a rod, not a bait, not a hook and not top dressing. All this minor. The main thing that nobody plagued... Let's drink for it!

*****

The man asks the fisherman dozing with a rod near rechki.
-As today water?
-Amazing, fish does not want to get out of it at all.

*****

On the bank of Baltic, on fishing, two Estonians sit. speaks:
-Watch the first! Dead seagull!
vtoroy quickly swells up, and looking round the sky asks:
-Where? Where?

*****

On the bank of a pond sits lonely rybolov.
-Well, the small is not caught even? - asks prokhozhiy.
-Small it is not caught in the next pond, the big is not caught here.

*****

On the bank of a pond the fisherman sits and catches fish. The local approaches it and speaks:
-Forgive, I here often see you...
-Yes, I to a syuda go already five let.
-But unless you do not know, what here absolutely there is no fish?
-of Hypermarket, about two years ago at me too started appearing such suspicions.

*****

On the river bank two colleagues - passionate rybaki.
-You why not at work met?
-U strong radikulit.
- And at me is worse than me - pneumonia.

*****

On the river bank fishermen - from the young man to the old man sit. On other coast - a beach on which couple of girls undresses pozagorat.
samy the young fisherman, postponing rods and climbing in vodu:
-I, perhaps, will swim poznakomitsya.
vtoroy, postponing udochki:
-I, perhaps, will go the boat poishchu.
trety, changing nazhivku:
- And me, perhaps, and from here to see everything!
chetvertyy:
-Will be necessary - will come!
TUT enters 60-year-old rybak:
-Cawed - already float!

*****

All enthusiasts of this business are invited to Sunday fishing. This business to take on two bottles on the person.