Jokes about hunting and fishing

Read funny Jokes about fishing

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There went the father with the son Down to fishing. Arrived, rods got, the father speaks:
- The Sonny, where pearl barley?
-Ya ate it...
-A dough?
-Ya ate it...
-is fine, on eat up worms and went home!

*****

There went mobsters somehow on winter rybalku.
hu arrived, hit, look, and to hollow ice nothing vzyali.
hu, send one behind scrap to the next derevnyu.
tot pryg on a dzhiper and to the village. Drove up to one house and oret:
-Hear, the grandfather, give scrap ice dolbit.
ded gave, that left. In an hour there comes opyat:
-Ded, and the grandfather! Still the scrap is? The grandfather gave them still odin.
through hour again priyekhal.
-Ded, and still the scrap is?
-of Che, sonny, biting good?
-Yes a horse-radish there, still did not float the boat!!!!

*****

There went the family: mother, the father, the daughter on rest to the river. Mother with the daughter make a lunch, and the father catches fish. Caught a goldfish. The small fish also speaks: "So, on fast three desires also ran up". Daughter: "Hamster!!!". Father: "In a hamster pizda!!!". Mother: "OH!!! From a hamster pizda!!!"

*****

The fisher caught a gold small fish and at once efficiently so her sppashivayet:
skolko my desires will execute that released you?
-Hy, as usual, - answers a goldfish, - tpi.
- Then so. My first desire - vodka with snack, organize nemedlenno; the second - the woman posmachny, and the third... the third... And desires for execution are valid for what term?
-As usual, for three years, - again answers it gold pybka.
- Then so, the third desire - every day all three next years to repeat my first two desires! Everything, float.

*****

The inspector of a rybnadzor of the fisherman caught and speaks:
-you Got the man, the small fish cannot be caught that here!
-A I and not lovlyu.
-Yes che you to me soar, and it that?
-Well is my fish, I it to take a walk brought. I let out, then I whistle - it and comes back, and we leave domoy.
-That all right, and well show. The man let out fish, and stand look. Inspector speaks:
-Well svisti.
-What for?
-That fish vernulas.
-What fish?

*****

The man, the driver by profession caught, a goldfish, and it emu:
-Release - I will grant desire. The man thinks and speaks:
-I Want that on this river now all GAI officers in coffins floated!
- The Man and you that, among GAI officers and good people is! Da's
-?.- The man reflected, - well let then good GAI officers in good coffins float!

*****

The man caught a goldfish, and she to him speaks:
-Release me that you want I will make! otvechayet:
-I Want to become
muzhik the Hero of the Soviet Union!
... Also there was a man with two grenades against five tanks...

*****

The man gold rybku:
-caught I Want small zavodik, the house and mashinu.
rybka:
-Horosho, but on credit or on leasing...
MUZHIK:
-Togda, choose: on creamy or on the vegetable?!

*****

The man hooked gold fish. Well it, of course, speaks
-I Will execute three zhelaniya
muzhik
i - I Want that this lake turned in PIVO
II - I Want that here that lake became vodkoy
ryba
-Well, and III zhelaniye
muzhik thought thought and speaks
-Well, still small and will be enough

*****

New Russian caught a goldfish. Thinks, as usual, of three zhelaniya:
-Naturally, "Mercedes - 600", the house in Arbat lanes... The third desire - liquidate
A to me, a small fish, the Dolgoprudny group!
-I cannot, the piece of chalk is my roof!

*****

New Russian caught a goldfish, and asks ee:
-That to you it is necessary, a goldfish?

*****

New Russian caught a goldfish. And that, as well as it is necessary, suggests to execute three it zhelaniya.
-All right! - tells new Russian. - Let at my friend Petrov will be new firma.
- And the second desire? Start up
-my friend Sidorov will have new bank.
-Well, and the third desire? Start up
- At us communists will come to the power!
-It what for? - is surprised rybka.
- And start up all of them it at Petrov and Sidorov privatize!

*****

The fisherman, the driver by profession caught, a goldfish, and it emu:
-Release - I will grant desire. The man thinks and speaks:
-I Want that on this river now all GAI officers in coffins floated!
- The Man and you that, among GAI officers and good people is! Da's
-?. - the man reflected, - well let then good GAI officers in good coffins float!

*****

The fisherman gold rybku.
-Well caught, think zhelaniya.
-First, I want to live eternally!
rybka turned it into the Energizer battery.

*****

The fisherman caught the Goldfish and reflected: about what to ask it? You will ask to be the rich man - will put, as Khodorkovsky. You will ask to be the tsar - will lead to the cellar to be photographed as Nikolay Romanova.
- And make me, a small fish, god!
-Be your way, - told rybka.
... The fisherman also sees
oglyadelsya - there is it the person in an ancient Roman cloak with red podboyem.
-That there is a truth? - that asked.

*****

The fisherman caught a small fish, gold. It to it speaks:
-Make three wishes. I will execute everything. But only at your mother-in-law will be in 10 times more. The man wanted one million. Received. Respectively, the mother-in-law received 10 million. Wanted a country house in Mayami.
teshcha received 10 country houses in Mayami.
muzhik thought, thought, and then speaks:
- And now, a small fish, make to me a small microheart attack.

*****

The fisher caught a goldfish and at once efficiently so her asks:
-How many my desires will grant that released you?
-Well, as usual, - answers a goldfish, - tri.
- Then so. My first desire - vodka with snack, organize nemedlenno; the second - the woman posmachny, and the third... the third... And desires for execution are valid for what term?
-As usual, for three years, - again answers it gold rybka.
- Then so, the third desire - every day all three next years to repeat my first two desires! Everything, float.

*****

The old man caught the Goldfish It prosit:
-Release me, a starcha! I will grant all your desires! Yes one grief me kruchinit
-? Life
sovsem from the quarrelsome old woman did not become!
-Grandfather you or not the grandfather?!
-Ded! Well so you will have
-a hazing!
otpustil grandfather small fish. Approaches the izba?
A there the grandma at a trough is already wrung out

*****

I buy air tickets of Ukraina:
- And for why to you to America?
-A what to you difference? You that the customs or can embassy?
-Here such business. The chief wants on fishing. Here I also thought, can you there on fishing, I then would ask you to tell on return as there?
Ya was shocked.

*****

Police officers came to muzhiku.
- At us for you 3 news, good, plokhaya
i velikolepnaya.
-Give at first plokhuyu.
-your wife drowned - we pulled out her from vody.
- And what good?
-We from it collected a bucket huge rakov.
- And what magnificent? Tomorrow we it again will pull out
- And we invite you to beer!

*****

The German, the Pole and the Russian got on the desert island. They contrived and caught a goldfish. Speaks to them rybka:
-I Will grant three desires, only bystro.
hemets told that wants a lot of money the beautiful wife and home. The Pole told that wants a lot of money a state position and home. Russian said:
-I Want A that here hammered the beer fountain, the vobla and those two back was not transferred to the sea.

*****

Flaw dumped a caterpillar from a tree in the pond full of fish. It flies down and molitsya:
"My God! Thrust to me in a bum a fishing hook, what my life not was vain.

*****

After the singer A. Rybak declared the nonconventional sexual orientation, the saying "rouge knows another" makes a few other sense.

*****

- Listen, the wife, you put everything in a backpack? We want to roast directly ashore to ourselves a little caught ryby.
-Of course, the road. I put a little sausage, cheese, a box of sardines, a pilaf jar with mussels. Will not be gone!

*****

- Look, expensive, what at me today an excellent catch!
-do not pull to me the wool over the eyes! The neigbour saw how you came into fish shop!
-Well, part of a catch it was necessary to sell, of course...

*****

Constructed recruits. The piece, so interrogates all on ocheredi.
- The Driver! Step forward. In garage... Mechanic's
-! Step forward. In workshops... Cook's
-!... well and so dalee.
ostayetsya odin.
- And you whom were on the citizen?
-Glyukalshchikom.
-It that such? Of Glyukal I do
-for all derevni.
-??? Yes? Well. Go to workshops, make one glyukat - posmotrim.
glyukalshchik something sawed the whole week there, sharpened, ground... Takes out in this world. And it is such pancake round and convex, and shines as at a cat yaytsa.
kusok swore at the recruit, glyukat threw out, a glyukalshchik at once on the bay...
through comes week check. The general goes by part. Has all whom will catch, writes remarks, everything is bad... Suddenly such will come across on a lawn on glyukalo.
- And it that!?
-.... Glyukalo, companion general!
-Yes I, blyat, see that glyukat!
A of an eye shine, the general glyukat to a breast presses...
-Yes you watch what cool! What for the handyman such at you here? To me, vividly! To award, let go on leave!
B the general part became exemplary at once. Presented to the general glyukat, there left dovolnyy.
vyvodyat a glyukalshchik on light bozhiy.
-Well, a glyukalshchik you our beloved! You will go to holiday, only at first tell, what for glyukat such?
-N-n-u-u-u... as to explain to you... In the general beret it glyukat and with all force of what are capable throw it in a reservoir...
-What for? of
-A it on water jumps so... glitch-glitch-glitch-glitch... where will drown - there and we put networks!

*****

Why you so greedy rush on a spinner? - asked a pike shchuka.
- Same a simple piece of iron!!! - Itself I know
, - the striped she-robber, - but there's nothing to be done if I have an unrestrained character answered.

*****

The hare went fishing and caught a goldfish. At this time by there passed a wolf i
otobral a small fish at a hare. They to whom the small fish will execute three zhelaniya.
-began to argue do not quarrel, - the small fish told. - I will execute on three desires to both of you. Komu
pervomu?
-Of course to me, - told volk.
-Think, - told rybka.
-my First desire: let at me h@y will be to knees... The small fish executed ego
zhelaniye.
- The Second: let all women in the wood will want to be given volku.
-Will be on yours, - told rybka.
- The Third: let to me the beauty queen sredi
volchits every other day come to a bed, and allows to make with herself everything that I will wish...
-Will be granted also this your desire, - the small fish speaks. - And now, you, hare. Zayats
vzyal a small fish in ruki.
-First, let I will have "Mercedes". Immediately nearby there was "Mercedes".
-Secondly, let I will have one million dollars in the Swiss bank and million
rubley here. On a back seat of "Mercedes" there were two passbooks. Hare sel
za wheel and poyekhal.
- And third desire? - The small fish asks. Hare molchit.
- And third desire? - Again the small fish asks. The hare drove off on prilichnoye
rasstoyaniye, left the car, approached the river and letting out a small fish to the river proiznes:
- And the third desire: that at a wolf h@y did not stand.

*****

The man went for fishing. Dug out red worms. The biting was cool, and poetomu
chepvyaki quickly ended. The man found a small red shchepochka, "the red worm" wrote na
ney, got on a hook threw, waits. Bang! pecks!!! It pulls,
tyanet, and so hard goes... Well, thinks, now I will hook such fish. Vytyagivayet
ogpomnoye a log, and on it an inscription "Оху$нная small fry" 8-)))

*****

The man went to take worms on fishing, gathered and looks - one worm small such that he decided it to retain so far, otkormit.
through year went fishing with this fattened worm, got it on a hook, threw good luck in an ice-hole, somewhere minutes through two the worm with two breams in teeth and speaks:
-Petrovich comes up, they could eat me!

*****

The man went fishing. Made a hole - and from there a cow in a helmet, with grenades na
poyase and with a machine gun in hands. Well, the man also faded from there. Found another mesto.
snova made a hole. And from there again the cow gets out. Well, the man again escaped and uzhe
v the third place made a hole - from there again the cow got out. Well, her man i
sprosil:
-Cow, you that it?
- And so I and itself think, that it I?

*****

The man went fishing. Got into the boat, swam away on the middle of the lake - sits, catches... Suddenly the sky darkened, the awful wind rose... waves turned the boat and it began to sink... and here from the sky rang out loud golos:
-Plus two or minus two?
muzhik thought, thought and speaks: - Plus two!
B the sky became the same moment light, the wind disappeared and the boat again floated on water as did not happen in anything...
vernulsya the man home, tired, went to a shower to wash and suddenly sees... four eggs! He put on and again went to the lake. Only swam away on the middle as it became at once dark, the storm began, the boat began to sink....
I is suddenly distributed a voice: - Plus four or minus four?

*****

The addict went fishing somehow, and worms left at home. And here on doroge
konoplyanoye a floor okazalos; it came there, it caught a drug addict worm i
poshel on the small river. Put out a feeler, and itself sits - the jamb hollows. Suddenly chervyak
vylezayet on a float and speaks:
-Listen, the friend, they after all in nature now will bite me!

*****

Went fishing the new Russian (NR): in total as it is necessary - a rod ууууу!, scaffold ооооо!!!!!!, generally not to you about tackles abrupt rasskazyvat.
zakinul tackles, sits - tikho.
ryadom dedunya local, sits smokes. Too tikho.
vidit it: NR starts being nervous. Decides to calm: "Nichyo, the sonny, now the sun will warm - will begin is cool. "
HP: "Well look, the father. Nobody made you talk..."

*****

Went fishing somehow the new Russian (NR). Rod all such terribly fancy, fancy. Threw... Poklevka... Worked a sitem on a rod (electronic pyezo - etc.). Pulls out NR of a karasik of grams on 350-450.
-Well and why it to me? Especially in the bar today fish day, - the poklevka thinks NR.
OPYAT. Shchuchka of grams on 600. Same scenario. Third poklevka. And here the goldfish comes across to it. Looked at NR at the massive yellow chain and with slovami:
-Why to me so much gold. The GOLDFISH sails osharashenno:
- And three desires???
HP, confusedly: - All right - think!

*****

Went fishing the son with the father early in the morning. Cherevey dug out, sit, udachat, fish not klyuet.
- The Sonny, there mother with herself gave porridge to us. Let's try catch on porridge, the Father can better poluchitsya.
-, I was hungry, porridge all sjel.
-Well anything, anything. Passes hour, fish not klyuet.
- The Sonny, there mother with herself gave pies to us. Let's try catch on pie, the Father can peck better budet.
-, I was hungry also pies all sjel.
-Well, all right. Passes an hour more, fish not klyuet.
- The Sonny, there mother especially for a bait crude gave a piece of dough to us, get it, most time.
-Fathers, I was hungry, dough sjel.
-Well anything, the sonny, hunger - not the aunt. Passes two more hours, fish not klyuet.
- The Sonny, well to sense we here with you sit, eat up cherevy and we will go home.

*****

Three men went fishing. Took tackles, an other junk, and, including, three bottles "Capital" with the capacity of 1,75 liters. To the place of profit late therefore decided not to fish in the evening, and it is simple to drink vodka. Having split the first bottle, were accepted to the second. One of fishermen appeared less hazardous, than his partners, and introduced the sober idea what to get drunk it seems as does not follow as since morning to get up early on fishing. After rough debate the decision to drink up the second only to a half was made. For giving to the word "half" of physical sense it was decided to note the middle of a bottle a marker, having put on it a notch. Morning of the next day. More precisely, its middle. Fishermen depart half awake in a condition of a heavy hangover. Before them the following picture. An extinct fire, round it roll any junk, including three empty bottles from under "Capital". And two bottles - one in the lower half, and another completely - are covered with marker marks.

*****

The ensign went on fishing. Having settled down on the river bank, he got a can with worms, opened it and garknul:
-one volunteer Is necessary. Two steps forward!

*****

- Hi! As far as I know, you were never fond of fishing...
-is correct. You see, and now any karasik not poymal.
- And that you sit with a rod? Whether you See
-... The mother-in-law forces to dig potatoes. So I solved: better for fish to wave, than