Jokes about hunting and fishing

Read funny Jokes about fishing

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The absent-minded fisherman forgot the catch in the bus under a seat. In three days in the local newspaper there was an announcement: "Left a basket with fish in the bus No. 47 can come into garage and take away the bus".

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The upset fisherman, having caught nothing, goes along the coast with trunks with tent, an inflatable boat and 15 rods...
I suddenly notices such picture!
muzhik costs on a belt in water, considers: time! two! rub! also throws out hands on the coast of 5 kilogram somik!!! The fisherman froze
rasstroyenny... sat down in bushes and became nablyudat.
through 15 minutes snova:
-time! two! rub! also vykidyvt hands on the coast of 9 kilogram somik!!! Having sustained
He, the Man jumps out desperate of kustov:
-, tell how you so can! I all night long along the coast s
udochkami, with networks went, all places tried! Fishing is moya
zhizn!
TOT looked on unfortunate and speaks:
-is fine, I will tell you. You look for a place. You get rid of rods. Razdevayeshsya
dogola, you come on a belt, you stand and you wait... when you feel, chto
nachinayet to soak up, you start counting up quickly to three, you are enough and bystro
vykidyvayesh for the coast!
Ha pleasures the fisherman thanked the man and ran to look for mesto.
nashel. Undressed. Costs in water and waits. Passes half an hour. Feels, starts soaking up, it gathered and schitayet:
-time! two! rub! four... п-я-т-ь........
ш-ш-ш-е-е-с-т-ь......с-с-с-с-е-е..................

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River. Early morning. Fog. Ashore men (M) catch a small fish. Fog leaves a hedgehog (E). - Men will drink
E?
M - OF COURSE! In asked! In gives!
E - Well as will be - call me.

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Fans of fishing decided to fight for that recognized fish catching as the Olympic type of sport... Competition
ustpoili, invited experts from International Olympic komiteta.
-Well that, - ask them, - convinced experts what fishing can be the Olympic type of sport? Honor
-, - fishers speak. - It was necessary only to prove that vodka - not a dope...

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The fisherman sees that at the neighbor well pecks, and at it - no. Asks: "You on what catch? "On motylya.
nazavtra the fisherman on a crank began to catch
-. Again at it - anything, and at that man - klyuyot
-You on what you catch? - On chervya.
- And from where you know, when on what to catch?
-If the member to the right - on a worm, if to the left - on motylya.
- And if directly costs?
-That you then on fishing was secured?

*****

The fisherman brings in the apartment a pike on 30 kg. The wife from kukhni:
-Kolya, it you returned from fishing? Throw, as usual, fish to a cat and go to have supper.

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The fisherman comes back home and brags: Vooooooooot hooked such fish! Hardly through a hole dragged! "
MCHSNIK comes back home and brags: Vooooooooot rescued such fisherman from an ice floe! Hardly from an ice floe by helicopter lifted!"

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The fisherman left to a stream to wash and drink waters. Bent to water and suddenly heard some rustle in bushes upstream. asks:
-Hey, there, above on a current, nobody pisat?
I hears squeezed otvet:
-by Nn-e-ee-e-t!

*****

The fisherman speaks zhene:
-Vot, read article about fishes. You quite could learn at them molchaniyu.
-Sperva you learn to drink at them only water, - the wife parried.

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The fisherman long changed various nozzles from chervey
do porridges, but the float remained motionless. At last, having despaired,
ON took out money from a pocket, threw them in water and malice probormotal:
-Harbor and buy that want!

*****

The fisherman gets from banks of a worm, that to it speaks:
-Hear, the man, you only sharply do not cut, and that stuffs up ears.

*****

The fisherman unshaven, with "Belomor" in teeth, with a half-liter bottle in a pocket, in a dirty sheepskin coat and tarpaulin boots, pulls out the beautiful mermaid. That very young such, drowned in tears,
vskhlipyvayet... The man considers its some time on predmet
upotrebit, then skeptically points a finger at a stomach and asks:
-Eh!!! You have a caviar though on snack?

*****

The fisherman - unshaven, with "Belomor" in teeth, in a sheepskin coat and tarpaulin boots, pulls out the beautiful mermaid - that very young such, drowned in tears, sobs... The man considers its some time regarding to use, then You skeptically point a finger at a stomach and asks:
-, the maid! Well huch caviar in you is?

*****

The fisherman - to the hunter: "Well, good luck! "
okhotnik - to the fisherman: "And you h@y, but not fishes!"

*****

The fisherman brags to friends (widely moving apart hands):
-Ya hooked here such fish yesterday! Bothers friends, and they connect to the fisherman of a hand. The fisherman (taking palms of the connected hands a detour): It had
-I here such eye!

*****

The fisherman caught a goldfish and speaks:
-You here that, give my wife too turn into a goldfish! Let in an aquarium floats silently and grants all my desires.

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The fisherman caught a goldfish who vzmolilas:
-Releases me, and I will execute one yours zhelaniye.
- And at me is not present zhelaniy.
-Perhaps to you the apartment is necessary?
-U me magnificent pyatikomnatnaya.
-Perhaps giving is necessary?
-Is not present, at me smart dvukhetazhnaya.
-Perhaps you need the car?
-Is not present, I have brand new "Volga". Listen to
-, or perhaps you want to become the Hero of Sovetskogo
soyuza?
-A that, is thought, - the fisherman speaks and looks at a lapel of the jacket, representing on it the Hero's star. - Give, do of me Geroya.
-Budpo-tvoyemu, - the goldfish told and departured, vzmakhnuv
khvostom. And the fisherman right there felt at himself on the grenade in each hand and saw that on him there are three enemy tanks.

*****

The fisherman, having moved apart hands of centimeters on thirty, tells the friend about the last fishing. Their wives observe izdaleka.
-If Ivan shows, what fish he hooked in the forbidden place - he exaggerates that. But if it is about the security guard's member from a rybnadzor which took us unawares and with which I in bushes had to settle problems - that it is near from truth.

*****

The fisherman's fisherman - the best video of Thursday.

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The fisherman sits with a rod ashore …
K to him runs up muzhik:
-you did not see the blonde in a blue skirt here?
-Yes, here was about 10 minutes ago … excellent - then I, probably, it will catch up with
-! Yes for not figs to do
-a current here so-so …

*****

The fisherman, being going to the river, tells zhene:
-my Heart, you, I hope, did not forget to put to me in a bag a frying pan and oil? I want to roast to myself for lunch some big fishes from ulova.
- And as, darling. Besides, you will find in a bag and to bank of sardines.

*****

The fisherman gathered for winter fishing. Left early in the morning - cold, snow... transport does not go. Waved a hand, comes back home. The wife still sleeps. Got under a blanket, it was attached to the wife.
ONA (without opening eyes):
-It you, darling? And my moron on fishing popersya!

*****

The fisherman drags a huge catfish, kilograms under 100. Goes, already stooped. Other fisherman meets a bucket karasay to it and speaks so ekhidno:
-That, only one and caught?

*****

The fisherman for the whole day caught nothing. In the end got to it only small karasik. The man from a grief drank a vodka bottle, the rest poured in a karasika in a mouth, jostled to it a slice of bread and released. Suddenly as pecked!
through goes five minutes home with a pailful of fish and from there slyshit:
-Here a crucian-brekhun damned: "Pour..., release..."!

*****

Whether Rybak sprosili:
- There is at you a treasured desire?
-Yes. To catch such big fish about whom could tell all life, without resorting to lies.

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Fishermen on the Moskva River appeared. Sprashivayu:
-That, is caught?
-A that as! Small we let out, and big in a matchbox we put.

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Fishing, means. Cool such fishing, men only manage to drag fish in boats. Here one man teeth tightens a scaffold, and his set of false teeth fell out and in water - plyukh. And from the ends. Muzhik:
-Here @#$#$%@#$@#$!!! Well fto to do! It fe, pike, expensive, felyust. Here by the next boat of huge som the guy pulls out. And at once to other boats swims up and asks:
-Men who - has a thread a set of false teeth? Borrow for five minutes for a trick. Well, took at one jaw, inserted to som into a mouth. Rows up to the man that dropped a jaw, and speaks:
-Look, som already your jaw to itself vstavil.
-Not pifdi.
-Yes it is exact. Itself have a look. Muzhik:
-Fisty pifdesh (beret of som), mother shestny! (takes out a jaw, considers) and it is not mine (throws out for a board).

*****

Fishing in the company of friends is considered successful if number of the caught small fishes at least per piece exceeds quantity of the drunk bottles.

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Fishing: little small fishes were released, and large put in a mayonnaise jar!

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Fishing - an excellent occasion to drink since morning...

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- How fishing? - Perfectly. Caught here such pike, kilograms on five, and maybe on seven. - And what, salted for the winter? - No, released to the river. All the same will not believe...

*****

- How fishing?
-is fine. Caught here such pike, kilograms on five, and maybe on sem.
- And what, salted for the winter?
-Is not present, released to the river. All the same will not believe...

*****

Fishing in the heat! And nazhivku
s work I will distinguish
UZhE from snack.

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Fishing - sport with obligatory doping.

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Two Georgians fish. The first speaks,
-Ya here such saw a rib, it is more terrible such!
VTOROY:
- The Pike, navernoye.
-Nat did not feel. Zelony such ves.
- And to a pachem zelony?
-Malada eshche...
-So perch, navernoye.
-Nat, ne sideways. Directly poshel.
-So the sazan, navernoye.
-did not tell Nichevo, only croaked two times and ooze became...

*****

Two new Russians on lodochke.
vdrug fished somehow the hurricane rose, and the boat carried away in opened more.
skoro a hurricane came to an end, as well as harch and pityyo.
i here for the seventh days when at them the roof for hunger and thirst is already ready byla
poyekhat, they caught some butylku.
otkryli, and there gin - Well, - speaks, - make a wish! I Want
-that there was a sea of beer!, - Quickly blurted out odin.
-It will be executed, - Gene answered and right there disappeared. And beer net.
-Well and where trick? - asks bratok.
potom look, good gracious, the sea stalo.
tut another and tells all from beer:-You well thought up it, the moron!
A "cast" now in the boat, huh?!

*****

The fisher "with an experience" invites young on rybalku.
molodoy asks:
- And what we will take?
-Vodka, of course! Rod
-A?
-A on a fig, all the same we will lose!

*****

The fisher gets on a hook of a worm, and that and speaks emu:
- The Man, you too do not cut that, and that at me stuffs up ears!

*****

The fisher brags to friends (widely moving apart hands):
-Ya hooked here such fish yesterday!
priyatelyam bothers, and they connect to the fisher ruki.
rybolov (taking palms of the connected hands a detour): It had
-I here such eye!