Jokes about hunting and fishing

Read funny Jokes about fishing

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The fisher caught big rybinu.
-Bednenkaya a small fish! - said one passing by compassionate Dama.
-you see - the fisherman answered, - if she was not spacing out, to her would happen nothing.

*****

The fisher brags before priyatelyami:
-last Sunday I caught a pike - here, as my hand! Stop filling in
-! Such hairy pikes do not happen!

*****

The fisher asked meeting halfway tovarishcha:
-That caught?
-C of kilograms of perches, - answered tot.
- And large is?
-One, kilogram on one and a half.

*****

Fishers happen two types: one look at this occupation as on sport, another manage to catch something.

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- You're on what fish you catch?
- in male-chervyaka.
- And how do you define?
- It's very simple. Smuggles worm through his teeth when yaytsa
zastrevayut - means male.

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Biggest "bream" in day of competitions in ice fishing of fish was caught by the wife of the fisherman Petrov who did not wake him in the morning.

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The unluckiest fisherman in the world celebrated the 14 anniversary of the worm...

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The most bad dream of the fisherman: dreams it that he died, and the wife sells tackles at that price which he to it called.

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- How today the small fish is caught?
-Yes here I sit the whole day - and any not poymal.
- And you try to put on any bait a hook!

*****

- Syoma, you how many on fishing caught?
-is Less, than So it nothing poymal.
- And I also a rod lost Kolyan.
-.

*****

Family departure on rybalku:
-Sonya, fry fish!
-So you still nothing poymal.
-Sonya, fry! Fish will be!

*****

The family of new Russian swims in the lake, the fisherman nearby sits - lovit.
vdpyg the fisherman heard fish as HP calls on pomoshch.
-Help! My wife sinks, and I am not able to swim! I will give you hundred dollars,
If you will help me!
rybak in ten strong grebkov appears with the sinking woman nearby and pulls out it from water. Then addresses to HR:
-Hy where my one hundred? You know
-, it so flickered in water that I thought that it moya
Wife, but I was mistaken is mine teshcha.
-Eh, nevezukha! How many I have to you?

*****

The sergeant went on fishing. Having settled down on the river bank, he got a can with worms, opened it and garknul:
-one volunteer Is necessary. Two steps forward!

*****

The fisherman with a dog at a pond sits, fishes. Bang - a cow vynypivayet:
- The Man! Let's light! The man became stupid absolutely, stretches sigapetu.
-Well, and give matches! Absolutely the man became stupid, gives matches. The cow lights, gives everything and dives back. The man round eyes looks at a dog. And sobaka:
-Cho, the owner, stared? I went nuts!

*****

The Armenian sits, reads the book. Other macaw and asks:
-Ara Cho delyaesh approaches? Of Knyshk I read
-ne you see?
-E-e-e... how it nazivatsya?
-Logika.
-Likely grow wiser the book?
-of Koneshchno, more cleverly. Here you have an aquarium?
-Yes.
-A if at you an aquarium is, fish lyubish.
-for sure.
-means ti If ti fish love, fishing lyubish.
-Vakh what macaw the man the rybylka does not love means ti? If ti fishing you love
-A, means ti to vipit lyubish.
-Of course what ribalka without vipivka.
- And here when ti you vipt, ti a dzhenshchina you want?
-Aha as vipyyu so the woman hochu.
- And if ti the woman you want means ti not pidaras.
-... Vakh what grow wiser the book. Where bought?
-Here in it magazine.
etot too bought the same book, and sits reads. The third approaches ara:
-Ara Cho delyaesh? Of Knyshk I read
-, "Logic" nazyvayetsya.
-Likely grow wiser the book?
-of Koneshchno, more cleverly. Here you have an aquarium?
-NET.
-Means you pidaras.

*****

The fisherman sits on the seashore, the submarine suddenly emerges, the head kapitana.
-Mr. leans out of it, tell where we are?
-Went to devils, all fish raspugal.
kapitan shouts in lodku:
-Misters, we in Russia.

*****

The old grandfather the fisherman sits on the bank of the small river, and pecks at it awesomely. And the dude at whom the whole day does not peck wanders about the coast. It approaches the grandfather and asks:
-Ded, you on che fish?
DED thinks: "Well now I will tell it on what I fish, he will sit down nearby and all fish will catch" and answers chuvaku:
-Yes crumpled shit!
chuvak stood, thought and left. Comes in half an hour, stretches to the grandfather paper on which shit lies, and speaks:
-On, the grandfather, chew, you have all the same a nasty mouth.

*****

The poacher sits, catches fish. Swims up rybnadzor:
-So! We poach?
-Really! This is my own fish. I brought it that it at liberty swam for a while, took a walk, and then I will whistle, and it vernetsya.
-Yes well?! Well, show!
muzhik releases fish to the lake. Sit with a rybnadzor, wait. Rybnadzorshchiki govoryat:
-Well, svisti.
-What for?
-Well, that fish vernulas.
-What fish?!

*****

The general on the river bank sits, catches fish. Long sits, since the morning, and already the sun burns. The general in full dress, sweat flows, any poklevka, and it all the same sidit.
i here, from where from heavens, the VOICE: - And after all you will not order!

*****

The grandfather on fishing sits. Gradually poklevyvat. Here, time... and extends a huge carp. Well, the old man is happy. And a carp to it human golosom:
-Release me, to a starcha, I will grant three of your desires!
Ha that the old man with ukhmylkoy:
-Yes on a horse-radish to me your three desires, I after the first fall asleep!!!

*****

Sits, it appears, one man, fishes. Hour sits, two - not klyuet.
skuchno to it and is cold. Well, he opened a vodka bottle, poured in a marching glass 150, and only gathered so with its feeling, mummy, to eat - pecks! Well, the man began to fuss, awkwardly so cut, and tiny karasik to him directly in a glass - plyukh! The man fastidiously so threw out a karasik, vodka without high zaglotnut, spread a new bait, threw a rod... And here as poperlo: pike perches, breams, pikes! The man is hardly in time vytaskivat.
i here the huge som and speaks:
-Well, karasik, well a bough, well the provoker lies in his basket! pour, speaks, then release...

*****

The frog on the lake sits, sees, three fishermen from boats fish. She swims up k
pervomu and in a whisper asks:
-Well sho pecks?
-No, does not peck, - the first answers with whisper. Swims up to the second lodke.
-Well sho pecks?
-No, does not peck. To tretyey.
-Well sho pecks? Ts-s-s
-. Pecks, pecks! Frog (loudly):
-A I do not care, I swim here!

*****

The man on the coast of the river sits. In one pyke - a rod, in another - kippich.
idet by the woman. Saw the man and govopit:
- The Man, and why to you a brick?
-He skazhy.
-Muzhi-i?! I zache-eat with Hy to you a brick?!
-He skazhy.
-Muzhi-i-i?!! Hy for chego-au-au to you a brick??!!
-is fine... I will bang you, then skazhy.
chepez some vpemya:
-Hy so, the man, for what to you a brick?
-Here I here on the coast since morning sit. Ha still caught nothing a rod, and na
kippich you already for today the fifth.

*****

The man sits ashore, catches fish. Suddenly from canes: Go NA H*Y!
TYu. The man that for fik_nya.
prokhodit a couple of minutes, and again from canes thinks: Go NA H*Y!
VOT, pancake. The man, all fish raspugayut.
prokhodit a couple of minutes, and again from canes thinks: Go NA H*Y!
zadolbali. The man thinks, how many it is possible!
I are come up here from canes by the man on a tray and spoons grebyot.
tot that caught fish it asks: and chyo you row with spoons, and it EMU:
IDI NA H*Y!

*****

The man on the bank of Nile sits and fish catches. The heat terrible, closeness, a scorching heat moreover and fish is not caught. Hour sits the man, two sits, and fish everything is not caught. Suddenly the crocodile emerges (To) and so at the man (M) is sympathizing asks:
(To) - That, hot?
(M) - Ugu...
(K) - is stuffy?
(M) - Ugu...
(K) - (with hope...) Perhaps then you iskupntsya?

*****

The man in canes sits, fish catches. Pre-dawn fog, over the lake a haze. Suddenly somewhere in the distance heart-rending krik:
-Aaaaaa...
nastorozhilsya, listened, catches further. Through some time already blizhe:
-Aaaaaaaa...
poyezhilsya, tightened to itself an oar, sits, looks around, about a hook forgot. In a minute, absolutely ryadom:
-Aaaaaaaaaa...
vskochil, crossed, grabbed an oar, swung. Canes are moved apart, someone throws out terrible, the muzzle which swelled in blood from there. His man - and - ak shandarakhnt an oar on a muzzle! The stranger (running away in canes):
-of Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

*****

The man (M) in park sits, catches fish. Approaches it politsay (P) and speaks:
p: from you a penalty of 20 brands for fishing in not put meste.
m: and who told, what I catch fish? I bathe a worm!
P: then a penalty of 50 brands, that a worm without swimming trunks

*****

The man sits, at a float looks. Hour sits, another... For the third hour per a bathroom comes Wife:
-All right, the hell with you! Go fishing, and I should wash that!

*****

The man on fishing sits. Lo and behold, and on the river a piece of paper plyvet.
vylovil it it is and it is the lottery ticket. Went, verified, and it advantageous and on 100 million! Resorts home to zhene.
tolko to it you were going to spread the pleasure, and it emu:
-Uydi, not to you: mother died...
muzhik about itself: In, a pancake, as poperlo!!!!

*****

The man on fishing sits and stares at a float, the crocodile by floats, having seen the fisherman, the crocodile asks:
-That looks at it, a minute later, the man, does not peck?
muzhik otvechayet:
-Net.
krokodil:
- And can will bathe?

*****

The man on fishing sits, the silicone brick lies nearby. The young girl, passing by, with asks:
- And why the brick suits you on fishing? otvechayet:
-do not stir
muzhik to me, see I fish lovlyu.
-Not, well after all why to you a brick? I will make all that you tell, only tell me...
muzhik long did not think, told that she would undress well and let's the part do...
I here girl once again asks:
- And nevertheless why to you brick? You Understand
-, on this rod I still caught nothing, and you already the third...

*****

The man in the tundra about the river sits, catches rybu.
podkhodit to him chukcha.
-However here fish to catch nelzya.
-Why? - is surprised muzhik.
-permission rybnadzora.
- And where I will find a rybnadzor in the tundra Is necessary?
-A I am a rybnadzor!
-A can catch to me fish here?
-Is possible!

*****

The addict on the small river sits, fish catches, he suddenly caught "goldfish", and she speaks sootvetstvenno:
-Release, for me three desires will not rust... Speaks narkoman:
-I Want that the herd of mammoths flashed by me... Here a roar, dust, herd flew...
vtoroye desire: - that it back flew... Again the herd with a roar back flew... The addict and speaks:
-Aaa thought... A horse-radish with them, with mammoths, let again run... well respectively again... It let out a small fish and she it asks:
-Something at you desire strange...? And the addict and otvechayet:
-you Know... I love abrupt parties.

*****

The fisherman sits ashore once, staring at a float, and by floats krokodil.
uvidev the fisherman, looks at it. Some minutes later a crocodile asks:
-That, the man, does not peck?
rybak otvechayet:
-Net.
krokodil:
-Can will bathe so far?

*****

The new Russian on fishing sits, threw fancy udochku.
tut - bang! pecked!
vytaskivayet it goldfish. Begged rybka:
-Release me, Vovan, three of your desires vypolnyu.
-Yes you che, a small fish, in nature of an okhrenel? You do not know with whom you bazarit? It I can any your desires execute. Only whistle: the gold basin with super - the filtered water and a bottom diamonds usypano.
chem here in these dregs a skin and health to risk, let's go to me to live!
soglasilas rybka.
sdelal Vovan as promised: the gold basin, diamonds covered, and grat zhratukh from a paunch and that would not be boring - music and the flock of shrimps tantsuyet.
rybka is happy with such life, and Vovan goes round the pool and keeps saying: "The pancake, something forgot! The pancake, something forgot!" Could not remember, waved a hand and left on strelku.
priyezzhayet home, around smells as ashes, and the small fish up a belly swims in the pool. Vovan a hand on lbu:
-Eh, the Small fish slapped himself! Again the friends showered the house with grenades, and I forgot to buy a bullet-proof vest to you!

*****

The New Russian sits, fish catches. A rod with diamonds, instead of a scaffold - a gold thread. Suddenly caught the Goldfish. It vzmolilas:
-Release me!
HP turned a small fish and threw in vodu.
rybka vyplyvayet:
- And three desires to execute?
-Well you in general went nuts! Well, think!

*****

The fisherman sits ashore. The crucian emerges, and asks:
-You that sit? Biting
-zhdu.
karas holds the head and speaks:
-Will not be cool today, a biting was yesterday.

*****

The fisherman sits ashore. Threw one rod in the river, and another in bushes. Approaches vtoroy:
-Listen why you threw a rod in bushes?
-Is my secret. Pass further. The river bolshaya.
-Listen, well tell, I to you a glass nalyyu.
-it is fine, nalivay.
vypil it and otvechayet:
-you Understand, I do not know that today I will catch in the river, and here on this you at me already the fifth...

*****

The fisherman sits ashore. The little man approaches it and is curious: