Jokes about hunting and fishing

Read funny Jokes about fishing

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The fisherman on the river bank sits. Caught a goldfish...
Ta to it - a pier, release - I will grant any three desires!
RYBAK:
- The First desire - hundred rods, the second desire - vedro
chervey, and the third desire - that a biting good was... You all this is necessary for
RYBKA:
-A on figs? Here when such as you pieces hundred I will catch
RYBAK:
-A, togda
i I will jeer!

*****

The fisherman on the bank of the small river sits. Well the fig at it not klyuet.
chas sits - does not peck, two sits - not klyuet.
ha the third hour from water is shown the head soma.
v the keparik curtailed sideways, a belomorina in teeth, shadows under the eyes. Looks a muddy view of the man and speaks:
-Hey, muzhik.
muzhik perepugalsya:
- And? What? Where?
SOM:
-IK. Today it will not be cool!
MUZHIK:
-A why? What happened?
SOM:
-was cool IK of IK yesterday.

*****

The fisherman on the coast sits and slyshit:
-Went nakhren.
prislushalsya - silence. Was heard, the fisherman thought. Then again slyshit:
-Went nakhren.
prislushalsya, silence. Again it seemed, the fisherman thought. And suddenly sees - the man by the boat floats and the Man rows lozhkoy.
rybak emu:
-, you still a fork vzyal.
-Would go nakhren!

*****

The fisherman fish sits catches in the winter. Frost. There passes by other fisherman and asks:
- The Man, you that? On the street such holodina, and you without shapki.
-Aha, I here so sat yesterday in a cap, to me suggested to drink, and I did not hear.

*****

The fisherman sits and catches fish. By the Man, the man, you that delayesh floats krokodil.
-? I Catch
-rybu.
- And it is possible I too I will try?
-of Sadis, poprobuy.
dal fisherman to a crocodile rod. That sits pompously and catches fish. By another floats krokodil.
-You that it delayesh?
krokodil:
-Float, float, shit green!

*****

The fisherman with a dog at a pond sits, fishes. Bang - a cow vynyrivayet:
- The Man! Let's light!
muzhik became stupid absolutely, stretches sigaretu
-Well, and give matches!
sovsem became stupid the man, gives matches. The cow lights, gives everything and dives back. The man round eyes looks at a dog. And sobaka:
-Che, the owner, stared? I went nuts!

*****

The old woman at the seashore sits and the grandfather from fishing priydet.
vdrug waits for her washed the blue sea ashore a bottle, directly to feet starushki.
udivilas the old woman so far, took a bottle in hand and opened it. Gene got out of it and speaks:
-I Listen to you my sovereign. I can grant any your three desires, because you my new hozyayka.
starushka and sela.
-That, directly any three now? - asked starushka.
-Yes. - Dzhin.
starushka answered thought and speaks:
-Well a little, first, I want that instead of this log hut there was the best palace, secondly, want that I became the young beauty, thirdly, I want that that cat became young beautiful chelovekom.
-I Obey and obey - told DZHIN.
I suddenly from where do not undertake, costs instead of an izba the white stone palace which light did not see before. The old woman looked at herself in a mirror and gasped - she became the fair maiden that an eye otvest is impossible. She turned back and sees - there is her a high, beautiful blonde with blue glazami.
i this blonde to her speaks:
-Well, what the granny? Now you will regret that two years ago me castrated.

*****

The Chukchi in a kayak sits, catches fish. Suddenly nearby not Soviet submarine emerges. Chukchi podumal:
-However, spy!" Knocked in the boat. A certain person looked out of the hatch. Chukcha:
-However, du yu Speke English? "
-Yes, of course!" The Chukchi, grustno:
- And figl I pound?"

*****

The Chukchi at a hole, and nearby the mountain of fish sits. Approaches geolog:
-Hear, the Chukchi, give rybki.
-It is impossible, the chief will swear!!
-A who chief? Yes ya.
-Hear
-, the chief, give small fishes!
-A, take how many you want.

*****

The chief Gestapo M?ller ashore with a rod sits somehow and catches fish. Hour passes, another - does not peck. And here Stierlitz approaches. Throws a rod and starts pulling out one huge small fish for another. And at M?ller's daddy still. He looked, he looked at the float and at last, not vyterpel:
-Stierlitz, and on what you catch?
-All it is not volume, on what to catch and as. You, perhaps, would remove the form, a gruppenfyurer...

*****

Sitting in the boat, whether the beginner the fisher addresses to priyatelyu:
-He will be at you a spare float?
-For what?
-got to me some rejected. All the time sinks.

*****

Two sung along men sit on the river bank, the third approaches them, asks:
-Children, where the ford???
muzhiki say emu:
-Yes directly here and est.
on, having listened to them, nearly drowned, and having got out on the coast, indignantly asks:
-Well as so, you told the ford here?!!!!!
Ha that they to it and Otvechayut:
-word of honor, bratukh!!!! Ducks here on a belt passed half an hour ago!.

*****

Two Georgians sit, rybachat.
pervyy:
-I here such saw a rib, it is more terrible such!
VTOROY:
- The Pike, navernoye.
-Nat did not feel. Zeleny such ves.
- And to a pachem the green?
-Malada eshche...
-So perch, navernoye.
-Nat, ne sideways. Directly poshel.
-So the sazan, navernoye.
-did not tell Nichevo, only croaked two times and ooze became...

*****

Two fishermen - one young another old sit on winter fishing?
stary drags fish one for another, and at young anything?
molodoy asks: On what you catch?
stary: On pearl barley. Next day the young catches on pearl barley - anything, and at old one behind one?
molodoy asks: On what you catch?
stary: On a worm. Next day the young catches on a worm - anything, and at old one behind one?
molodoy asks: On what you catch?
stary: On motylya.
na the next day young catches on a crank - anything, and old was not at all. Next day the young asks the old: What secret at you?
stary: Well when in the morning you wake up x. on the left lies - You catch that on pearl barley, if on the right - that on a worm, if directly - on a crank?
molodoy: And if costs? Old: And if costs so on x. this fishing is necessary to me!

*****

Sit three men in the boat mean, fish. Night, starts dawning. One speaks: - The sun ascends!
vtoroy: - Yes did not see such beautiful rising long ago!
trety two kicks throws out the first two of lodki.
muzhiki come up: - For what!?!
-of the First for offtop, for flud.
-Yes you that okhrenet the second absolutely?!
muzhik gets an oar and hrus both on golove:
- And for an insult Bang!!!

*****

Two men on a pond sit catch fish. At one does not peck, and another pulls out one for another, one for another... That at which does not peck approaches another and asks:
-Na that catch?
Na of a worm!
Ha the next day the man dug out worms. Came happy, got a worm... again does not peck, and other man again pulls out one for another. That approaches it again and asks:
-Na that catch?
Na of a crank!
Hear, the man! And you as define when on a worm and when on a crank?!
If since morning at me h%y that lies on the left on a worm and if to the right that on motylya.
-A if costs?
-A if costs, нах^я to me this fishing was given!

*****

Two men on fishing sit. One catches one behind one, and at another any poklevka. Another and at the left ot
pervogo became and on the right - anything. Bothered it without results on the coast to run it and the Man asks at pervogo:
-, open a secret, on what you catch?
-of Anything difficult - on tablets from sifilisa.
nu, so the second ran in a drugstore behind a bait. Resorts and at the seller prosit:
- The Girl, give me 10 packs of tablets from sifilisa.
ta looked at him and speaks:
-That, the man, caught?
-is not present So far, but astounding I know a place!

*****

Two men sit next, will fish. The first for another drags one, and at the second - anything. asks:
-Listen to the second, the man, you on what you catch?
-Yes on tablets from sifilisa.
nu the second - feet in hands - in a drugstore: "to me five packs from syphilis". That already caught
-?
-Is not present, - speaks, - but I know a place!!!

*****

Men on the river bank sit and tell fishing stories. One little man constantly jumps, waves hands showing what big fish it managed to it to catch. Men were bothered by uneasy behavior of the companion especially as he twice nearly overturned vodka, and they decided to tie to it hands. After carrying out this operation conversation proceeded...
dolgo kept mum the little man with the connected hands, but the soul rybaka.
-did not sustain And I time caught a pike... (parting palms and rastopyrivy fingers)
-So at it here such eye!

*****

Men on fishing sit, fish not to be caught, one sighs and speaks:
-From earlier times were, fish by car carried home!!!
drugoy potverzhdayet:
-Daaaaaaaa, was business, without pants it was impossible to enter the river!

*****

The father and the son on fishing sit. The small fish is caught. Some hours stayed so without poklevka as suddenly the thought came to the father to mind, and he speaks.
- The Son, look, please in a backpack, there to us mother put with herself cheese sandwiches. Let's try to catch fish on cheese, perhaps will peck chto.
a the son answers, without tearing off a look from poplavka.
-So it, fathers, I that... ate sandwiches already vse.
-Well... - with a sigh told papa.
proshlo still some time, and the father speaks again synu.
- The Sonny, hear, look at dough in a backpack. Mother to us made dough on fishing. Let's try to catch on it, suddenly that we will catch. And sonny otvechayet:
-It... (long pause) fathers, I it... too ate dough. The sun in a zenith. Any poklevka, there is a father and speaks.
-Well, the sonny, all right... give, eat up worms and we will go home.

*****

Two new Russians sit at a bottle. speaks:
-Hear one, the brother, I here to Volga went, on fishing was - so a sturgeon on eight meters pulled out! Do not drive
-, in nature, I read, sturgeons no more than three meters happen. Cut down a sturgeon!
-I Tell you, eight meters!
-Well, it still hogwash. And here I here on hunting went... I go in nature on the wood, I hear a crunch, shmalyayu there - an elk! Filled up Losyara! I approach only it as I hear steps behind - a pancake, the forester! And I have no licenses a fig! Well I threw up a gun, filled up the forester what to do... I am so above an elk and the forester and I hear in bushes some fuss, I move apart - a pancake, a couple... Well, me, the stub, witnesses to anything - it was necessary to settle also both of them is clear. Then I think: from where they undertook? I go through bushes, I come to a glade - e-mine! Tourists fucking, tents ten, person fifteen them! Well, the exit is not present - watered them from a galosh that behind the back not to leave witnesses. Only sighed quietly - a pancake, the bus, "Ikarus", in it to the people of people hundred leaves on a glade... The brother, I as brother ask you, cut down a sturgeon, and I all of them will shoot down that!

*****

3 fishermen sit ashore. Fish. It is caught at two nothing, and at one - excellent fish goes. Well those also stuck dvoye:
-On what catch the uncle, on a crank or a worm?
-On tablets from a gonorrhea! These two in a drugstore, vbegayut:
-to us tablets from a gonorrhea ran!
-That, caught?
-Not yet, but we know such place!

*****

Two fishermen sit... does not peck, drudgery...
ChAS sit, two... suddenly... klyuet
tyanut network, there... SMART MERMAID!
pervy looked, and otpustil.
vtoroy - WHAT FOR?
pervy - And HOW?

*****

Two fishermen sit and catch fish on zamyorshy ozere.
odin from them more skilled, and another molodoy.
vdrug saw a big polar bear .
TOT? that more skilled takes off boots on fur and puts on gym shoes. Young emu:
-You that, the bear even on ice runs with a speed of 60 km/h Yes to me to spit with what speed he runs, will catch up it with me or not, the main thing that you would not overtake me!

*****

Two fishermen sit, catch fish. One only manages to unhook, and at the second - any poklevka. Here the second did not sustain and asks:
-Hear, the brother, on what you catch?
TOT only lowed something unintelligible in reply. The second did not catch and again asks:
-Sorry, I did not understand it, on what you catch?
TOT again lowed something in otvet.
posideli a little, and to the loser again neymetsya:
-Hear, the brother, you have what worms: red or black? The fisherman with rage something spits out
pervy in a fist and oret:
-Yes not red and not black, but WARM!

*****

Two fishermen on ice sit, catch something. Does not peck, mood at nikh
sootvetstvuyushchee. Here the hare runs out from the wood, jumps up to nim
: - Men! Coffee is?
-Is not present!
-Well, - ubegayet.
stsena repeats time, another... Fishermen grow furious. ZAYATS
: - Men! Coffee is? The Freak and we you now will nail
-with nails to a tree and we...
ZAYATS in horror runs away. In half an hour because of the next kusta
pokazyvayetsya golova
: - Men... And you have nails?
-From where?! Well, then, maybe, you coffee have
-?!

*****

Fishermen on the river bank sit. Leans out of bushes ezh.
-Men, the insulating tape is?
-NET.
EZH creeps away. After a while again poyavlyaetsya.
-Men!
-Well that to you? After all told that is not present izolenty.
-is Now, I brought. Hold!

*****

Fishermen at the river sit. hvastayetsya:
-you Represent one, today dreamed me, what I sit with Anna Semenovich, ashore around - nikogo.
-Well further???
-I as if I caught a pike on three kilograms...
-A it???
-A at it does not peck.

*****

Two fishers sit next. At one mad biting, and at another - zero. The second suffered-suffered, did not sustain and asks pervogo:
-Listen, you on what catch fish?
-On chervya.
- And I on a worm, so why at me do not peck?
-Ha, so I catch only on a worm male!
-of the Male? And how you distinguish them?
-Is very simple: I stretch through clenched teeth. If eggs get stuck, the male means.

*****

Three monks sit on the middle of the river in the boat: Christian, Catholic and Jewish. They caught fish. Bread came to an end at them. The Christian rose and speaks: "I descend behind bread". Stepped through a board of the boat and went on water to the coast, bought bread and returned too on water... Anybody told nothing. Suddenly the bait came to an end at them. The Catholic rose, stepped through a board of the boat and went on water to the coast, got baits and returned too on water... Again anybody told nothing. Suddenly they terminated water. There was a Jew and speaks: "I will go for water". Stepped through a board of the boat and as the axe, went to a bottom... The Christian and the Catholic exchanged glances: "It was necessary to tell it where stones were".

*****

Three metalworkers sit thump, one speaks, let's drink for ours because they love metal yes, da METAAAL, the second speaks and let's drink for those who melts da METAAAL threw yes, and let's drink the third for a karpik, companions ask and at what karpik, and it too METAAAL caviar.

*****

Sil Privychki:
militsioner Sidorov went on leave. Began to go fishing. Having hooked fish, long beat her feet.

*****

- Tell, in this pond it is possible to catch fish?
-Yes it seems nobody zapreshchal.
- And by the boat, a network?
-Yes You're welcome.
-Means if I catch a small fish, it will not be an offense?
-Is not present. It will be the MIRACLE!

*****

Tell, in this pond it is possible to catch fish?
DA it seems nobody zapreshchal.
a by the boat, a network?
DA You're welcome.
znachit if I catch a small fish, it will not be an offense?
NET. It will be the MIRACLE!

*****

Tale of the fisherman and small fish. The first time it threw a seine, the seine with a grass sea came... The grandfather of a grass smoked... And everything is farther as in the fairy tale - both small fishes speak, and desires come true.

*****

Slovar:
boroda - at a spinningist - a sign molodosti.
zapretnaya a zone - part of a reservoir where fishing is made forbidden snastyami.
rybookhrana - the organization of pedestrians protecting fish from the coast from poachers on motorkakh.
shchepot - a generosity measure on fishing. For example: shchepot crank, shchepot tabachka, etc.

*****

- Listen, you on what catch fish?
-On chervya.
- And I on a worm, so why at me do not peck?
-Ha, so I catch only on a worm male!
-of the Male? And how you distinguish them?
-Is very simple: I stretch through clenched teeth. If eggs get stuck,

*****

Hear, Vitek, I yesterday the wife with yourself on fishing vzyal.
- And that? Nobody pecked
-.