Jokes about hunting and fishing

Read funny Jokes about fishing

Jokes about fishing

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On Sakhalin removed 450 fishermen, 70 boxes of vodka and 18 bleaks from an ice floe.

*****

The man gathers for fishing, the wife emu.
-Kuda gathered, today Friday 13.
-Nadeyus though today to fish will not carry!

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- You gather for fishing exactly today? On Monday, the thirteenth?
-Of course. Perhaps though today to fishes will not carry.

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John and Jim gathered for fishing somehow. Loaded the car and moved to lakes. Posle
neskolkikh an hours' journey they got to an awful thunder-storm and decided to wait on the next ferme.
dver to them very attractive woman of averages let:
-Unfortunately opened, I cannot let in you on a lodging for the night the house. I became a widow/widower and sami
ponimayete recently... neighbors and all takoye.
-Yes you do not worry, - John told, - we with pleasure will spend the night in saraye.
through 9 months, John received the letter from the widow lawyer. It went to Jim and speaks:
-You remember that sexy vdovushka where we spent the night?
-Estestvenno.
-You incidentally did not go to it at night?
-Still as!! The woman is good!!
-I you was presented to it under my name instead of your own?
DZHIM all reddened, hung the head and admitted that it was valid tak.
-Well, big to you thanks. She the other day died and before death bequeathed me everything svoye
sostoyaniye...

*****

Men gathered for fishing. And here a problem one - how many vodka we Will take to take not znayut.
-3 bottles!
-Yes well! In time before last took 3, rods lost...
-Well then 4!
-Aha, and took last time 4, the bus lost... Well then we will take
-5, only with a condition - rods not to take and not to leave the bus.

*****

One man gathered for fishing somehow in the winter. Came, starts ice hollowing, suddenly any voice and speaks:
-is not present fish Here!
muzhik did not understand, went to other place, starts hollowing, again golos:
-Here fish is not present! The man passes, and to him snova:
-Here fish is not present!!!
-Yes who are you such???
-Director of a skating rink!

*****

- The neigbour, I see, recently your husband considerably grew thin. It not bo-let?
-Is not present, simply it goes every day on rybalku.
-So grows thin?
-Of course. After all it eats only that fish who will hook.

*****

The neigbour, I see, recently your husband considerably grew thin. He is not ill?
-Is not present, simply it goes every day on rybalku.
-So grows thin?
-Of course. After all it eats only that fish who will hook.

*****

The way to catch rybu:
vzyat a cracker, to enter water, to take off pants, to stop up a cracker in zadnitsu.
kogda fish will swim up and will start eating a cracker,
bystro-quickly to put pants and very quickly to run on the coast.

*****

There is a man on "tomatoes" in water. Silently so, the sun rises... Behind to it in boot covers breaks spinningist.
-Ts-s-s... Silently blya... Chsh-sh-sh-?!!!
-???... That there at you (in a whisper so)
-... som!
-of Klyuyot???
-Is not present, blya... sucks...

*****

The man stands on the sidewalk and parts in all scope of a hand. The friend asks it:
-You that, do gymnastics?
-Yes, is not present! Vaughan Vasya from a window looks what I fishes caught yesterday.

*****

There is a fisherman ashore, fish one for another is dragged. Another approaches it and asks:
-On what pecks?
-On halyavu.
-Wow! Let's me try the freebie, and I to you a crank of ladies! Pour
-here... And for free well pecks! You already the fifth.

*****

The centenary aged man and without mustache paren
rybachili on the lake vdvoyom.
u molodogo
pusto, and staryy
taskayet a gudgeon for a gudgeon.

*****

There are two mushrooms in the wood, suddenly to one another speaks:
-Look, a raincoat with a hood, behind the back a backpack! Death all right! Yes be not afraid of
-you! You see, rods! It not ours, is fish!

*****

STRATEGY of PROTECTION AGAINST ATTACK of the SHARK. (On accruing).
12. Take a waterproof marker and write on the thigh: "To use till December, 2000" . Remember - sharks love only fresh myaso.
11. Being going to bathe, dress very close swimming trunks. This show is capable to make strong sick not only yours kolleg.
10. It is thin feel needs of a shark. Sometimes, as well as we, simply have to have them udovletvoreny.
9. Come into water not earlier, than in half an hour after previous eaten plovtsa.
8. Do not let in water of the children before sharks densely gorge on sosedskimi.
7. And itself swim without hurrying, juicy bitochek.
6. Being going to float - take with yourself in the sea a small bottle of mint liqueur. This smelly sticky liquid shocks sharks for a long time, having convinced them of total absence of taste at you. And who eats the tasteless?
5. It is also good to float together with the woman, at which now critical days. The blood smell inevitably attracts sharks to it - and you can feel in relative bezopasnosti.
4. For the period of summer holiday put yourself some temporary tattoos with Philip Kirkorov, it is desirable color. It is unlikely even the hungriest shark will covet such idiot as VY.
3. If are not afraid of a serious penalty from local societies of protection of animals - before bathing pour out a flakonchik of "Threefold" cologne in the sea. In this case the majority of sharks will be compelled to run aground - and on the land they enough bezvredny.
2. This recommendation about moral reasons the most well-tried remedy of safety on a beach is better propustit.
i, at last: Remember that use of the low-quality or incorrectly picked up cream for suntan brings troubles on a beach much more, than the tortured poor sharks.

*****

Sudya:
-you told that the accused - exclusively honest and decent person. Than you can prove it?
svidetel:
-Ya own ears heard how it admitted that the whole day stayed on the small river with a rod and caught nothing.

*****

Severe fishermen of the Far East that did not feel sick, a fishing season call not Putin, and is neutral - a premyerina (in the future - again a prezidentina).

*****

The son asks: - Father, and what such money?
-Money, sonny, it: boat, sonic depth finder and spinning "Titanium".
-A, what such lack of money?
-"Dive-2", cake are also thin...

*****

The sonny, do not speak to me ob
udache.
ya as I will wake up, I watch on … body svoy.
lezhit on the left - on chervya
rybachu, - a crank I take
napravo with myself.

*****

- Your networks again pulled out nothing? To Pull out
-pulled out, but we will not begin to eat the diver!

*****

Quiet early morning. On the river bank three sit rybaka.
kodnomu the frog swims up and in a whisper asks:
-Pecks?
rybak (in a whisper): - No...
ONA to the second podplyvayet:
-Pecks?
-Is not present...
K tretyemu:
-Pecks?
ON: - T-s-s... Pecks...
lyagushka with noise leans back on a back and oret:
- And I do not care! I swim here!

*****

- Tovaggishch, a ggevolyution it is cancelled!
-Why, Vladimir Ilyich?
-U is not present us bggonevik!
-But after all was three bronevika.
-On the first bgonevik Dzeggzhinsky left for fishing. bgonevik we s
tgotskim pgopit the second. And bgon

*****

Three loonies decided to check - it is worth writing out them or still early. Distances to everyone a rod, put about a toilet bowl - to catch fish. In an hour ask: "Klyuyot?". Two told that klyuyot, and the third - no. Decided it to write out. Those two it sprashivayut:
-You why told, what not klyuyot?
-That I, the fool to give out fish places!

*****

You were dressed as everything,
B darkly white bathing suit prozrachnyy.
na you I almost did not watch,
delal a look that as though rybachil.
ty me approached: "Hey, fisherman!
U you now fish pecked"
dernul a rod, something not so,
prosto of rods two already became.

*****

You che to catch fish do not go in the winter? - Yes the pancake, dynamite in a hole does not creep.

*****

You che such sad, Mash? - Galya asked,
zashedshaya on a visit to sosedke.
-Yes mine from fishing came yesterday with some woman and speaks,
chto is the Little Mermaid and got to it on a hook absolutely sluchayno.
-Well and you, of course, exposed it?
-Of course, and now for it volnuyus.
-Why?
-So the uncle some all green came then and told,
chto if will not return the mermaid to it, it to my man of a horn pooblomayet.
-Well, and you?
-A I here was frightened. Itself you know that to mine is what to break off...

*****

At an entrance to the garrison photo such announcement hangs: "The fish caught by officers and ensigns on Sunday we increase to any size".

*****

One fisherman always had a wonderful catch, and everything who stood nearby, did not catch anything. Somehow on the next Sunday it was not, and its place was taken by other fisherman. But the float also did not move. "Strange, - he thought aloud, - why at that pecked, and at me - no?" Suddenly from water the head ryby.
-seemed Tell, the sir, - she asked, - and your friend will not come today?

*****

- You have interruptions in heart, - speaks vrach.
-Oh! It everything rybalka.
-cannot be! Fishing just very good occupation, it uspokaivayet.
-Of course if you catch fish in legal places.

*****

You have an elevated pressure, - the doctor patsiyentu-pybaku.
-tells It after fishing...
-Fishing, on the contrary, calms...
-Agrees with you, the doctor. Ho I catch fish in the forbidden place.

*****

- At you an elevated pressure, - the doctor patsiyentu-rybaku.
-tells It fishing consequences...
-Fishing, on the contrary, calms...
-Agrees with you, the doctor. But I catch fish in the forbidden place.

*****

- You have condoms with a pile?
-to you for winter fishing?
-Yes... is Also desirable with frost-resistant rezinoy.
- There where you will thrust it, teplo.
-where I will thrust it, still needs to be caught...

*****

At a pond sits lonely rybak.
-Well that, it is not caught? Even the small? - asks prokhozhiy.
-Small it is not caught in the next pond. Here it is not caught big, - the answer followed.

*****

- What you, yesterday for scandal had a neighbor? You Understand
-, again for the weekend such nasty weather was given that na
rybalku the sense was not to go. And the wife the aquarium with small fishes kupila.
vot also fished recently a little. B

*****

Surprisingly! Wives always precisely remember the wedding day, and husbands, as a rule, forget. Than it can be explained? Everything is very simple
-. Here you, inveterate fisherman. Tell, you remember that day when caught the first small fish?
-Of course! Here you see
-, and the small fish, for certain, already forgot.

*****

- How catch?
-Only one crucian, but here such pike... It was told lies.

*****

- How progress? - asked at rybolova.
-Averages. Three gudgeons, four ruffs, and the rest trifle.

*****

Morning. Wood. Pond. Three men sit fish. By floats lyagushka.
podplyvayet to one and (in a whisper):
-Well che, the man, pecks??? Hardware
-... not, does not peck...

*****

In the morning on Saturday there is a husband at five o'clock in the morning, unwillingly gathers for fishing. Put on more warmly, took tackles, goes outside. Outside the darkness, pours an autumn cold rain, a wind... He stood, stood and thought: "Yes I will not go to such weather anywhere, I will go to fill up". Came home. Undressed and quietly to the sleeping wife under odeyala.
-Brrr... Well and holodina outside! Do not tell
-I, - the wife agrees, without turning, - and my little fool went fishing.

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