Anecdotes about the army

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Anecdotes about the army

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Army, the general construction, including the female military personnel. Zampolit to a regiment addresses with rechyyu:
-to us it is necessary to create women's body into which five members would enter...
ODNA from women venomously voproshayet:
-Is so big body, or so little members? otvet:
-I do not know
sleduyet who here that thought, but I meant women's council!!!

*****

Army. The officer addresses to the recruit out of operation: - How surname?
otvet: - Ukrainets
-I ask you, as your surname!!!
-Ukrainets.
-Da a surname, you understand Russian or not???!!!
-Da Ucrainez my surname!
ofitser (suspiciously) - So... And nationality?
-Belorus.
-You that, scoff?!!!!!!!!

*****

Army. The officer - parting guard, runs up to a prapor - being desantniku:
-Listen, I need urgently to open a warehouse with the food or the part hungry remains, and there the sentry with the military weapon - the fighter from my company. It is necessary to remove it on fast, but accurately without the victims. You - a desantura, are able!
-A you that, forgot the password perhaps? Ask in shtabe.
-Yes not I, but it, су#а!

*****

Army. Political occupations. Prapor:
-Alibirda. What is the Homeland? I do not know
-, the companion praporshchik.
-Mudak you, Alibirda! Khabibulin, what such Homeland?
- The Homeland is my MOTHER!
-Well, Alibirda, what such Homeland?
- The Homeland is mother of Habibulina.
-Mudak you, е# your mother! The homeland is and your MOTHER! Got that?
-of Ponyal.
-Well, and what you understood?!
-Ya Khabibulin's brother!!!

*****

Army. Soldiers on a parade-ground stand at attention. Serzhant:
-Among you artists are?
DVA quiet golosa:
-Est.
serzhant:
-to Artists two steps forward! Two come soldata.
serzhant:
-Here to you couple of axes forward, in an hour to draw a woodpile of firewood!

*****

Army. System of recruits. The ensign interrogates pribyvshikh:
prapor again: Surname, education?
ryadovoy: Sidorov, seven classes!
prapor: Maladtsa, Sidorov! Following, surname, education?
ryadovoy: Rabinovich, MGU.
PRAPOR: What, what???
ryadovoy: MSU...
prapor: Well, what you low there, to write though are able?

*****

Army. System of recruits. The ensign interrogates pribyvshikh:
prapor again: Surname, education?
ryadovoy: Sidorov, seven classes!
prapor: Maladtsa, Sidorov! Following, surname, education?
ryadovoy: Rabinovich, MGU.
PRAPOR: What, what???
ryadovoy: MSU …
prapor: Well, what you low there, to write though are able?

*****

Army. "Old man" on a demobilization leaves: - Well, boys, we will sit down on a path... Spirits on 30, and scoops on 20 times!

*****

Afghanistan. Dushmana surround small group. The commander speaks:
-It is necessary to leave somebody to cover us, and we will try to break to the at this time. We will leave to the volunteer a helmet, three grenades, the machine gun if that, then we organize a magnificent funeral. Who volunteer?
gruzin speaks:
-I saglasen, only ostavte ne three grenades and a helmet, and three helmets and an adyna granatu.
ostavili, crawled away. In an hour do not hear explosions, vystrelov.
podpolzli back - look: the Georgian, nearby a lot of the weapon, clothes sits, vokrg half-naked dushmana sit...
gruzin twists helmets and krichit:
-I TWIST - I TWIRL WHO NOTICED WHERE GRANAT?

*****

Airport. The dispatcher grants permission for take-off. At this time the aerodromshchik obkashivat a grass round lamps on a taxiing, the equipment - a braid klassicheskaya.
pogoda so-so, drizzles a rain and the man put on a groundsheet. Mows a grass. At this moment of "Yak42" taxis on take-off on this most dorozhke.
dispetcher gives command to release a strip. The uncle departs meters on 25-30 and costs waits. A hood on the head, in a hand a braid. The board rolls by, the aerodromshchik friendly waves to crew. All who in the plane see the waving figure...
PILOT:
- The Dispatcher, tell the mower - let though will put a braid while we have passengers via hatches did not povyprygivat!

*****

The airport in D?sseldorf. The Russian tourist comes into the elevator, behind it the nice girl in a uniform, a miniskirt, a jacket - it is visible that the stewardess. He decides to get acquainted with it and asks:
-Hello, do you flu bu USA airwais? Reaction
NOL, only with astonishment looks at it. Well, thinks, I will try still raz:
-Flugen Sie Lufthansa ja?. .
Ha to an attractive face still bigger surprise, but is not present the answer. All right, thinks, once again poprobuyu:
-Volare sinora Alitalia?
togda it otvechayet:
-Well che from me is necessary to you, mudozvon bourgeois?!
-A- And, "Aeroflot"!.

*****

- Grandmother! I again flew in a dream!
-Ya not the grandmother, I am a grandfather, and you will fly at me to a demobilization!

*****

- Base, base, I am a board N 34. Height is 15 km. Engines refused, the catapult does not work, I wait ukazaniy.
-for the Board N 34, I am base. Repeat after me: "Pater Noster, an esa izha on do not enrage..."

*****

Drummer! Play the anthem of the Soviet Union!

*****

Sleeplessness waves wings in a window,
He is slept, not slept, would not be slept to me...

*****

God created a dream and silence,
A the devil - rise and the foreman!

*****

Fighter! It is necessary to destroy the enemy tank!
-Ya in a trice, companion commander! You will not wait
-Not of "MiG". Give better "fly"!

*****

- A board 1213, I call the dispatcher, fuel on zero, all devices refused, we fall!!!
-Well started to yell? I hear. I delete...

*****

- Throw, the sergeant, all the same you will not inform... Yes not me, the idiot, - a handheld transceiver!

*****

- As if to otkosit from army? To Stir up
-with the daughter of ours voyenkoma.
-Yes at it parnishka.
-Well if you such legible, go to army.

*****

- What would you make if you had, say, 100 millard of euro?
-would Buy a country house in Nice!
-Yes well... And I would buy the Black country and a lot of weapon. Also would play strategy...

*****

The former legionary comes into matrimonial agency and objyasnyaet
tsel vizita:
-I would like to marry the woman by name Raymonda.
- And why such woman?
-of Hypermarket... Because one my colleague tattooed at menya
ponizhe a stomach: "It is reserved for Raimonda".

*****

Were somehow in business trip by friendly officer staff. Decided to play a trick on one and threw to it before departure to a suitcase a pack prezervativov.
vernulis home, the wife at it sorts a suitcase and finds IT!!!
nemoy a question in the opinion of the spouse, on what our resourceful colleague quickly sreagiroval:
-"Yes gave out it to all, it is simple I the did not use" .
tesny military garrison thrashed for about a week: wives interrogated husbands where condoms?

*****

In NASA guess - why blew up left solid propellant uskoritel
snatll "and, and in KGB - why the right did not blow up...

*****

In the American army the sergeant tells the otdeleniyu:
-Russians have such troops - airborne forces - there on one their our two it is necessary! But it still anything. There are at them marines - there on one their our three it is necessary! But the most terrible - at them is troops, the construction battalion is called - to so those animals in general even the weapon do not give.

*****

In army. There is an ensign before a system of soldiers and asks:
-Fighters who will go to potato!
DVA of the soldier Good fellows eagles take a step vpered.
-, and the others will go on foot!

*****

In army everything is uniform, everything is cut, painted and strewed peskom.
vse as one - on cross-country. You cannot run - creep, but all the same go!
budete in dismissal - do not meet strangers.

*****

In army of a duty are strictly distributed. All to the senior lieutenant inclusive have to be able to work independently. The captain has to be able to organize work. The major has to know where that becomes. The lieutenant colonel has to be able to report that where becomes. The colonel has to be able to find a place in papers where he should undersign independently. The general has to be able to undersign independently where to him will specify.

*****

In army before vyborami:
-Companions soldiers if you for Medvedev - that put opposite a tick if against - that a dagger.

*****

In перекли?к?
-Петренко!
-Я!
-Василенко!
-Я!
-Децл!
-YO army!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*****

In army rise in the 6th mornings irrespective of time of day.

*****

In army:
prapor: "Who will go to potato? "
DVA of the fighter take a step vpered.
prapor: "Good fellows eagles, the others will go on foot!"

*****

In army for prevention of accidents often repeat that "and not charged gun of times a year shoots" .
odnako with the invention of an automatic rifle the situation became complicated: so far you will think that the rifle is loaded, it already twenty times will shoot

*****

In army:
ryadovoy asks the ensign: "Companion ensign, tell "Rastegay" this is fish or meat" .
praporshchik having thought speaks: "The idiot, is a kom@nda.

*****

In army, the sergeant - novobrantsu:
-Whom you were on the citizen?
-Tax inspektorom.
-Will shout "Rise" in the mornings.
-Why I?
-you got used to hatred.

*****

In army:
-So, companions fighters, mathematicians are?
-Yes, I!
-is excellent! Take a shovel, you will go roots to take.

*****

The tired killer comes into the bar in Arizona, puts a rifle on a table and zakazyvayet
sebe binge. The farmer sitting opposite politely asks:
-Forgive, and I can look in your riflescope on svoy
dom? Watch
-, it is not a pity, - answers killer.
- And how many you take for work? - the farmer through minutu.
-asks There my wife has a good time with our neighbor! Thousand dollars vystrel.
-I Pay
-for one two! But you have to otstrelit to it the member, and to her - golovu.
-it is good, - the killer speaks and begins tselitsya.
-Well you hesitate?! - the farmer through couple minut.
-Yes shouts wait a moment! I try to save to you a half.

*****

In voyenkomate:
-your education?
-Was formed I in the course of merge of an ovum to a spermatozoon...

*****

In a military registration and enlistment office on medkomissii:
- The Surname!
-Petrov!
-Approached! Lower pants!! Turn! Bend down!! Move apart buttocks!!! It is suitable!
-A you could not say directly me it?

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