Anecdotes about the army

Read funny Anecdotes about the army

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In voyenkomate:
- The Young man, you want to repay a debt to the homeland? Yes I want
-, and how many I have to?

*****

In a military registration and enlistment office the young man declares that cannot serve because he is a pacifist. The commission gathers, discusses current situation. Then the office leaves to the recruit the military commissar and speaks:
-We conferred here and solved - one gay in army more, one less. It is called!!!

*****

In a military registration and enlistment office the chief asks prizyvnika:
-Well, 2000 dollars or army?
prizyvnik shows a chamber and answers: - White chit or YouTube?

*****

In a military registration and enlistment office the officer by definition of military specialties talks with prizyvnikom:
-We would like to define you there where you most of all approach. What civil specialty at you?
-Ya tax inspektor.
-is excellent! Will be in barracks "Rise!" to shout - You already got used to that hate you.

*****

In a military registration and enlistment office the recruit complains ofitseru:
-Companion colonel and why from army you from all take for an excuse 500, and from me 1000 dollars?
-Because, dear Chmyrev, one your surname on 800 dollars pulls!!!

*****

In a military registration and enlistment office the draft commission works. To the military commissar obrashchayetsya
odin the recruit and umolyaet:
-Companion colonel, discharge me of army, and I to you five thousand ladies!
-you will not deceive? Well, come to a cemetery at two o'clock in the morning with dengami.
v the fixed time today the recruit came to a cemetery and sees takuyu
kartinu: the military commissar on a cross, all naked, in hands a guitar and songs poyet.
uvidel the recruit sits, got down from a cross, took money and speaks:
-Tomorrow by 10:00 come to the draft commission, I all ustroyu.
prikhodit next day the recruit, and to it govoryat:
-Am enlisted you on fleet on 3 goda.
u the recruit slightly heart not ostanovilos.
-As so? I gave to the military commissar of 5 thousand tonight, and you me na
flot moreover and for 3 years!
voyenkom porazhen:
- When? Slander! Gave nothing!
-As, companion colonel, you still naked on a cross sat, songs na
vse a cemetery shouted!
voyenkom and speaks:
-Companions members of the commission! Yes at the guy with the head not everything is all right. Ego
ne that that in fleet, in general it is necessary to discharge of army!

*****

In voyenkomate:
-you want to serve?
-Yes, but only general!
-you that idiot?
-A this indispensable condition?

*****

In voyenkomate.
-Companion colonel, I cannot do military service - I gomoseksualist.
- And how you can prove it?
-Undress...

*****

In the military town the woman reports sosedke:
-someone Yesterday all kitchen garden vytoptal.
-Can ensigns?
-Yes well, what ensigns, traces human.

*****

In the military походе.
- Faugh-ooh... The private, you took something from mosquitoes?
So precisely, companion sergeant! I took
OT of mosquitoes all the best - the speed, dexterity, courage and persistence!

*****

To military unit there comes the checking. It is accepted as it is necessary: bath, vodka and snack. At the end of a meal naked checking hardly creeps out of a sauna a cancer on the street to be refreshed. Behind the stray dog approaches and starts licking diligently to it yaytsa.
proveryayushchy (the weakening voice): "It too! It too!".

*****

In a body one clever brain thought up to train staff in firing, using balloons. As on bench firing on plateaus - the ball is started, women - got - the ball burst, is not present - flies further, waits for the puli.
ideya immediately gained development - to replace balls with mumpish condoms - the cheapest way and more cheerfully. Checked - it was pleasant to all, and the young lieutenant without mustache was sent to the next drugstore for the purpose of wholesale purchase of a new type of arms. It long refused, but to him intelligibly explained that where it is now, orders are not discussed, and carried out, and quickly and for sure.
nu, the poor fellow came to a drugstore, poslonyalsya on a hall, got up courage, and asked for the shop assistant a box of condoms. When that with astonishment sprosila:
-Why to you is so much?!
ON is honest otvetil:
-For training...

*****

In the garrison town the father captain stacks the son spat.
- The Father, I do not want to sleep, - the son is capricious, - let elephants pobegayut.
-Late already, the sonny, go spat.
-Is not present not to bed late, let will run about, let! Well with you to do
-! - in a fit of temper exclaims kapitan.
vykhodit from the house, rise comes in kazarmu:
-Roth! Alarm! Gases!!!

*****

At garrison movie theater there is a detective movie. The pretty heroine shot the incorrect lover and krichit:
-That now to do to me? All stood with horror. But here from depth of the hall it is distributed commander golos:
-As that? To clean the weapon and to return on an initial boundary!

*****

In hospital the private pervogo
klassa in an apron and sprosil:
-you really a staff sergeant approached the recovering sergeant?
serzhant with a haughty look kivnul.
-is fine, - the private was delighted. - It is sure that inclusion you v
kukhonny a dress will give it a certain chic.

*****

- In day of astronautics all dream to become kosmonavtami.
-In day of radio all dream to become izobretatelyami.
- And only in day of airborne forces all dream to arrive without adventures home!

*****

In day of the frontier guard on the city drunk people in green furazhkakh.
v day of airborne forces in the fountain are unsteady bathe drunk blue berety.
v put the Navy drunk moryaki.
pochemu everywhere on April 12 it is not visible drunk astronauts anywhere???

*****

In a rural family the guy comes back from service to armies. Served in Morflot loading in a cannon tower. Sat down to have a rest before an open oven in the evening, relaxed, looks at fire, irons a cat... Did not notice how fell asleep. At this time the piece of coal dropped out of an oven and smolders on a floor. His mother enters, saw a piece of coal and krichit:
-Fire!!! The guy instantly wakes up, throws a cat in an oven, slams a door, on a rack becomes "quiet" and dokladyvayet:
- The Tool is ready to firing!!!

*****

In kindergarten all children started using foul language. During trial found out that couple of days ago two soldiers hung up a chandelier in a garden. The manager shocked, calls the commander of part, understand a pier there. The commander calls soldiers on kover.
-Be pricked as you so behaved that all children swear matom.
-We here not and. We behaved culturally. The private Petrov a soldering iron soldered wires to a chandelier, and held a step-ladder. And here from a soldering iron the heated tin began to drip to me on the head. And I also speak "the private Petrov, please, it is not necessary more to me the heated tin on the head to drip".

*****

In kindergarten soldiers repaired conducting and children began to use foul language. The manager complains to the commander of part. The commander causes soldat:
-used Foul language?
-is not present In any way. I held a step-ladder, and Sidorov from above soldered wires, and tin started dripping to me on golovu.
- And you that? I also tell
-A. - Sidorov, be kind, do not drip, please, to me tin on the head!

*****

In kindergarten suddenly unexpectedly all children started using perfect foul language. Began to understand, and it became clear that the other day from the next part invited in a garden of two soldiers to repair conducting. The foreman caused them and began to split, and they not priznayutsya:
-are not present In any way, companion foreman! We did not tell anything of that kind. The private Petrov soldered wires, and I held a step-ladder. Then, however, to me tin began to drip for a collar …
-Well, and you? I culturally told
-A to Petrov: "Listen, unless you do not see, what to your companion for a collar drops of the melted tin fall?"

*****

In the childhood mother often spoke to me: "Eat, the sonny! And that in soldiers will not be taken"... Why I ate???!!!

*****

In the building of the city city hall, on the third floor, there was the mayor's meeting with representatives of different city bodies. And suddenly there was a strong fire. All participants of meeting crowded at windows and began to appeal about the help. The crowd of gapers came running. Someone brought a big blanket. Citizens pulled a blanket and steel krichat:
-Jump, companion mayor, we will catch you!
NU the mayor pryg down from the third floor. And crowd laughing loudly time also cleaned a blanket! The mayor spheres an ass about asphalt. Like the live. Well and a horse-radish with it!
A people shout further subjects, who at okna:
-Following! The manager municipal sluzhbami:
- And you a blanket will not clean
podkhodit to a window?
TOLPA:
-Jump! Let's not clean! We love you!
TOT also jumped down! And a blanket, time and in storonu.
tot women about asphalt and to death! Well and a dog with it! More anybody does not want to jump. And fire everything is stronger, just about to windows doberetsya.
tut in a window the chief of the Department of Internal Affairs of the city is shown. And crowd hokhochet:
-Jump, the colonel, we will precisely catch you"!
A that im:
-I do not trust you! Well, put a blanket on a floor... and three steps aside...!!!

*****

In Spain during traditional running of bulls there was an incident - three Russians with shouts "For airborne forces" developed herd back.

*****

In an office of the owner of beauty shop the vvalivayetsyarazjyarenny client also declares that he registered in a sunbed of a nadv of hour, and it exposed through fifteen minut.
khozyayka to it quietly objyasnyaet:
-According to the instruction it is possible to be in a sunbed of a boleepyatnadtsata minut.
-I know, how many there it is possible to be - but I should zavtras return the seas.

*****

In an office of the commander of part the regimental clerk and the accountant sit. Suddenly in one okno
vletayet the shell, takes off for another and vzryvayetsya.
-Fumblers! And you, the clerk, I how many times spoke - windows should be closed!

*****

The terrorist rushes into a cabin of the "Boeing" which is flying by over the Atlantic Ocean and, edifying on the pilot the revolver, oret:
-we Fly to Iraq, differently I will knock out to you brains!
vtoroy the pilot to it quietly speaks:
-I on your place would not edify the gun on the pilot: it has a weak heart. And if it is enough a heart attack, I one will simply not be able to bring you there where you trebuyete.
nemnogo having thought, the terrorist sends to a down on bortmekhanika:
-Well, then I will knock out brains to it if you do not depart there where I told!
Ho flight mechanic right there otvechayet:
-In vain you so: without my help to pilots Iraq not to reach. If you kill me, the ocean floor, that's all will be a terminal point of this plane!
togda the terrorist is enough the stewardess, puts a gun to it to a temple and speaks:
-Well now you precisely depart to Iraq if do not want that I carried it a head!
Bce are lost, but here the stewardess whispers something on an ear to the terrorist, at that hair at once bristle, he reddens, starts shivering, drops the gun, and crew, having used it, right there snatches on the terrorist and twists it. Then the pilot asks the stewardess that she such told him. The stewardess otvechayet:
-I told it that if it will kill me, he should ots@syvat at all crew.

*****

Soldiers lie in barracks after a release, do not sleep...
dumayut about grazhdanke.
kazhdy - about the.

*****

In kazarme:
-You that touch all buttons on underpants?
-Yes missed a bayan!

*****

In barracks phone call and the junior officer passing by is distributed lifts a tube: - Yes! Tell
-, how many in your part of jeeps?
-Two, the sir, but one of them does not work, and by the second there goes this fat bum the colonel Russell!
-That, such fat?
-Is so exact, the sir, more fatly and difficultly to present! Whether
-A are known by you to whom talk?
-Is not present, ser.
-you talk to the colonel Russell! Whether
-A are known by you to whom talk?
-NET.
-Well then so far, fat bum Russell!

*****

In a kapterka sit the foreman of a company, company and zampolit. Rotnyy
podmigivayet a zampolita - a pier, we will play starshinu:
- The Foreman, drive in office, look - al company there is not present?
starshina runs away. The fool Zampolit rzhet:
-Here, there would be no man on duty to send...

*****

The kapterka is run in by the sergeant and krichit:
-your mother! Who told my bride that each stripe means the child!?

*****

In a smoking-room the colonel tells a joke. All officers, except for one lieutenant, smeyutsya.
- And you, the lieutenant why do not laugh?
-A I not from your part, companion colonel.

*****

In a smoking-room the private, the major and the general sit. Ryadovoy:
-got acquainted with such beautiful girl Yesterday. Walked all night long, looked at stars and when I took her home, she kissed me! Mayor:
-went to a tavern Yesterday, bought a bottle, removed a telka, the bottle was split and went to it. Today I will not go to a tavern - at once to it. General:
- And I so remarkably pokakat yesterday!

*****

In the Ministry of Internal Affairs decided that the old coat of arms of the Ministry of Internal Affairs "board and sword" became outdated and it is necessary to develop the new. As above already people should not think, they lowered the order for places, like competition on development new gerba.
nachalnik department collects oper and asks who what has offers?
vstayet young leytekha:
-On the coat of arms need to place a lion, like the Ministry of Internal Affairs terrible sila.
vstayet an operok postarshe:
-It is necessary, - speaks - an eagle. The eagle from height calculates at once everything...
nachalnik asks old burned opera:
- And you are Nikolaich that are silent? I consider
-A it is necessary on the coat of arms the Cheburashka: in what - everything I hear ears, in what - everything I see glazishch, and pads short-short...

*****

In the Ministry of Justice discuss the new candidacy of the chief tyurmy.
- And you think, ask it, - that to you will be possible to cope with all these freaks and bandits?
-I Will consult! - surely the candidate promises. - And those who will be dissatisfied with me, - I will expel to hell!!!

*****

In Moldova absolutely new type of a bomb is developed. At explosion in a radius of 30 km everything becomes covered by a tile...

*****

In a certain military unit trained on pigs of a tattoo to do. Iskololi a mumps everything, and then when time has come was sent to soldiers to a dinner. Also the piece of skin with an inscription "Kolya got checking not that in kitchen, not that in a plate, to DMB-78".

*****

In one military establishment in the morning in a smoking-room three talk sotrudnika
(all in shoulder straps) .
leytenant:
-I was on dances in Officers' Club yesterday, got acquainted with the girl,
potom we with it walked in park, I took her home, and at parting ona
menya kissed. Agreed vstretitsya.
mayor:
-in a tavern the woman Yesterday today removed - after went to her, all noch
protrakhalis. Today I will not go to a tavern - at once to ney.
general:
- And I so remarkably pokakat last night...