Anecdotes about the army

Read funny Anecdotes about the army

<** Previous Topic          Next Topic **>

42  43  44  45  46  47  48  49  50  51  52  53

In response to creation of the Israeli unmanned aerial vehicles, Stockholm lets out new party of freaky karlson

*****

Very simple guys and clear instructions serve in the remote rocket garrisons are not afraid to write. For example, in one instruction of rocket part of SIBVO was such zapis:
"to the Duty operator it is forbidden to sleep having put the head on the control panel rocket installation that saliva from an open mouth did not close electric contacts"

*****

M?ller, Borman, Himmler and other employees stand in a queue to the dining room. Having stuffed all, a still-room the rack approaches Stierlitz, takes a lunch and sits down at an extreme little table. The turn with a dazed look sees it vzglyadom.
golos for kadrom:
- They did not know that Heroes of the Soviet Union are served out of turn.

*****

In a hairdressing salon sit the lieutenant and praporshchik.
parikmakher after the termination of a hairstyle asks at leytenanta:
-Cologne wish!
leytenant in otvet:
-Is not present, no! When from me smells as cologne, the wife thinks that I in a brothel was! otvechayet:
-Give to
praporshchik on the same question cologne, be not sorry! My wife does not know how the brothel smells!

*****

In a hairdressing salon barbers shave the General and the Ensign. After they finished with shaving, barbers get cologne and are going to sprinkle a little it on voyennykh.
-do not dare! The wife will think that I was in a brothel, General.
-protested Splash, splash. My wife does not know as smells in a brothel, the ensign answered.

*****

The very young soldier sits in the crowded bus. The man standing nearby loudly to him speaks:
- The Young man, really you in army were not taught, what it is necessary to give way to women?!
soldatik hasty swells up from a place, reddens and confusedly speaks:
-Sorry, I thought that you are a man...

*****

In transition metro.
-Companion militiaman. Directly before you play a thimble, and you pass mimo.
-Look for suckers in other place. I already blew yesterday one thousand rubles.

*****

In the train in a compartment - four. On the one hand mother young nice and daughter pretty girl of 20 years old. On another - the ensign and the soldier. Stopped by in the subway - darkness. Slap in the face sound. Leave - all sit indifferently. Thoughts of all. Mother - the daughter at me cool. Stick to it - it gave a slap in the face. The daughter - and mother at me still anything. Even beats off. The ensign - a pancake this goat touches everyone and me - slaps in the face. The soldier - it is rather one more subway - I again in a muzzle will give to this mudak :)

*****

To a regiment there arrived the new commander of part. Constructed a regiment in kare.
-I Read the schedule for a week! Monday - rest after the day off. Tuesday - preparation for the working day. Wednesday - the working day. Thursday - rest after the working day. Friday - preparation for the days off. Saturday - the day off. Sunday - the day off. Questions are?
TUT some prapor from back sherengi:
-Companion colonel, and long we will stick on Wednesdays so?

*****

Anonymous letter with a bullet and the requirement to return Kuriles came to Embassy of Russia in Tokyo. The vaseline jar, with the detailed instruction on processing of an anus is in reply sent.

*****

In pokhode.
-Foo-ooh... The private, you took something from mosquitoes?
-Is so exact, companion sergeant! From mosquitoes I took all best - the speed, dexterity, courage, persistence!

*****

In 2011 recruits storm a military registration and enlistment office. Of course, after all it is better to meet a doomsday in an air-raid shelter with an annual stock of provisions.

*****

In a locker room in barracks there is a prapor and is loud krichit:
-Saratov!
IZ of lockers on the left side are jumped out by soldiers, rush to lockers on the right side, jump in them and there are closed. In a couple of minutes the prapor again shouts: "Saratov!" Soldiers jump out of lockers, run across a locker room and are closed in lockers with left storony.
through a couple of minutes the sketch repeats. Comes into a locker room ofitser:
-Quietly! Than are engaged, companion ensign? I carry out
-of the Doctrine, companion lieutenant colonel!
-What else doctrines?
-Unplanned, companion lieutenant colonel! The order arrived - tomorrow to the ground we come out. And in Saratov according to the order at us change from the train on the train.

*****

Near the Bermuda Triangle one more American vessel disappeared. from our party losses are not present.

*****

In Russia the problem of conscription by means of creation of robots recruits is solved. Now it is necessary to solve one more problem: creation of robots ensigns as living ensigns already put out of action a half of robots recruits by means of team "To fail!"

*****

In the Russian Army there was a new elite look voysk.
oni most quicker run and it is the best of all pryachutsya.
oni - deserters!

*****

In the Russian army the company "Soldiers of fortune" of
I is created than they will be engaged?
ONI will dig up kitchen gardens at dachas of generals.

*****

In the company wall newspaper in a note it was described such epizod:
pulemet ceased, came to an end patrony.
-But you the Komsomol member, - the Komsomol organizer k
pulemetchiku invitingly addressed. And the machine gun again furiously zastrochit...

*****

In off-duty time the ensign Ivanov bungled - was at war on the party of the opponent.

*****

In the soldier's dining room hung up the poster: "The food ensures a victory in war". After a while some joker attributed ryadom:
"Only as the opponent will make the way here to eat her and to poison?"

*****

In the soldier's dining room shoot the movie how well there feed. In a shot - a big pan, the cook in a snow-white dressing gown, the doctor and the chief of the dining room. The chief does a sign, the cook takes the next plate and with an ostentatious smile puts on it a portion of potato and a half of roast chicken. A beret the following - and the same. So proceeds on all tables. The movie is shot, bring on viewing to the commander chasti.
tot saw, and tells zampolitu:
-Daaaaaa, us so would feed...
-Yes tried we that before command to give a good account! Tell
-A, Stepanych when you managed to enclose it in a pan of new hens - in the same place will not be located at once on 500 people?!
-Really, comrade the lieutenant colonel, we simply tied this chicken to a scoop!

*****

In the dining room the Sir approached the orderly officer ryadovoy:
-, I address to you with the complaint. Try here eto.
ofitser tried offered and said:
-In my opinion, it is usual sup.
- The Same I told the sergeant. And he claims that it is coffee.

*****

In stolovoy:
-Who on duty?
-Ya, comrade polkovnik.
-Why do not put bay leaf in soup?
-is not guzzled, companion colonel.

*****

In a construction battalion of soldiers digs a ditch, villages perekurit
na reads to a pack "smoking damages your health"
Here locks of hair and on shovels of such do not write

*****

At theater before a premiere of a performance one of performers suddenly got sick. Instead of it persuaded to play the fan of a scene of the electrician of Vasyu.
sufler:
-Oh! Uyel you me, Maksimych! Oh, uyet!
VASYA:
-Okhuyel you, Maksimych, in nature o%uyet!...
SUFLER:
-did not o%uyet, the moron, and OH, UEL!!!
VASYA:
-Wuhu ate, you, the moron, here and o%uyet!
rezhisser shocked. Urgently curtain. To Vasya objyasnyayut:
-UEL, a cudgel, UEL - that is wounded, pinned up! Got that?!
-Understood!
spektakl prodolzhili.
sufler:
-Oh! Uyel you me, Maksimych! Oh, uyet!
VASYA:
-Oh! Podjebnul you me, Maksimych! Oh podjebnut!

*****

In the Pacific Ocean two submarines - American and our emerge. Kom@nda of the American - are dressed fit to kill, everything on ustavu; on ours the captain constructed team and wildly shouts at them, without hesitating of presence inostrantsev:
-Who threw into the panel a valenok?! I ask who threw into the panel a valenok??
kapitan of the American submarine looked at it, the head shook and speaks:
- And here at us in America the captain never shouts at team...
-Well more than your America... WHO THREW INTO the PANEL the VALENOK?

*****

In a toilet 2 soldiers meet. The first our and the second American. Both come into booths, do the things, leave. The American goes to wash hands, and ours goes to an exit. American with astonishment:" In our military academy hands" .
NASH learned to wash me after a toilet:" And me at us in army learned not to ssat on them!!!

*****

In part arrival of the general is expected. All clean-paint with a circle. One soldier was sent to paint the rocket. It painted almost all, but the top does not reach. Thinks: how to be? Thought up! Takes a paint bucket, swings the arm and throws it on the top of the rocket. Hurrah! the Rocket all is painted. But a bucket it was necessary to hang on a nose rakety.
general bypasses part: so, well, a grass green, a fence too pokrashen.
- And it that for a crap on the rocket? - asks the commander chasti.
-this is a minootrazhatel, companion general! - did not become puzzled komandir.
-Itself I see that a minootrazhatel! Why it is not painted?!

*****

In part the new commander was appointed. Accepting affairs, he found,
chto his predecessor saved up the whole archive of papers. New komandir
zaprosil came to burn permission at higher command these bumagi.
otvet quickly: "To burn papers, but previously snyat
kopii".

*****

To Chechnya brought show with crocodiles. Well it was very terrible...
Ho, having overcome fear... crocodiles after all acted.

*****

The plane from Africa sits down in Sheremetyevo. Onboard the man, at which in baggage freight from 100 banana palm trees. Having received information on it, customs officers anticipate good divorce of the man on bucks: after all 100 palm trees, and are already commercial party and for "personal use" is not suitable in any way...
tamozhennik:
-Well - with, dear that we carry?
pomyavshis, the man silently the Palm grove - 1 piece stretches the declaration, where napisano:
""

*****

In shkole.
-Mashenka, write on a board the offer with the word "girl" and with the word "wood" .
mashenka leaves and writes: "The girl came out of the wood".
-is good, Mashenka, sit down. Vovochka, leave to a board and make of this offer otritsatelnoye.
Vovochka leaves and writes: "NOT the girl came out of the wood".
-of Vovochk, it wrong and it is necessary to correct!
-Mar Ivanna not to correct it is for the rest of life any more!

*****

At school of ensigns there is an examination. Ekzamenator:
-Posledny the question on vnimatelnost.
pokazyvayet spread wide Ladon:
-this a thumb, is index, average, anonymous, mizinets.
nachinayet very quickly to move fingers. Again rastopyrivat ladon:
-A a question now - where what?

*****

In a staff of rocket troops goes soveshchaniye.
s an opening speech acts komandir:
"So, on the agenda only one question - reduction shtatov.
kakiye there will be offers? "
ZA table silence...
" Well if is not present offers, I think it is worth beginning with Texas."

*****

In a staff rocket voysk:
- The order on staff reduction came to 10% Today. It is clear to all?
-Yes...
-A now details: I think, it is necessary to begin with Texas, Florida, Alabama...

*****

The doctor on medkomissii:
-does not carry out Vstante
ppizyvnik. Nearby it is worth stapshina:
-Sitting down!
-to Rise!
.....
-to Sit down!
-to Rise! Remove
VPACH:
-tpusy
ppizyvnik:
-So after all indecently... To Dress
stapshina:
-! To Remove
-!
...... To Dress
-! To Remove
-!
VPACH:
-Open a head chlena
ppizyvnik:
-So after all indecently... To Close
stapshina:
-! To Open
-!
..... To Close
-! To Open
-!
VPACH are wiped glaz:
-Ah by you, a bough!

*****

- Vasya how you got to hospital? You Understand
-, there are I down the street... I look - healthy men embrace, kiss... I asked: "It is GAY PARADE?" It appeared, day of airborne forces...

*****

Airborne forces - all walk, drink. Suddenly receive the message that there comes next week the commission. What to do? After all anybody did not even learn to jump with a parachute. One offers: - Give bags with sand we will tie to parachutes and from the plane we will throw, and on bushes in a lesochka we will be hidden. And as parachutes will land, from bushes we will run out, the commission far costs - not razglyadit.
stoit the commission, planes fly, "parachutists" jump. Suddenly one of bags came off and with whistle fell in bushes. The soldier with slovami:-"A pancake jumps out of bushes, and it is possible to be killed...".

*****

Great Patriotic War. Germans seize the remote Russian village, built all and the commander speaks:
-we will shoot All men..., but women have an opportunity to rescue the husbands. We will build men in a row, we will take off to them trousers, to you we will tie with a scarf eyes, and you on h*yu have to define, who your husband!
delat nothing, women according to began to nod. Constructed men, lowered trousers, the first poshla.
-So this not mine, do not wash it, do not wash it, about here it mine!
sleduyushchaya:
-This not my, this not mine, about here it mine!
Tak some women passed, the commander thinks: "Not, so business will not go, we will shoot nobody! "To deliver to
reshili between Russians some German soldiers. Put.
etot at all not from our village went sleduyushchaya:
-So, this not my, this not my, this not mine...