Anecdotes about the army

Read funny Anecdotes about the army

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Vermicelli in a copper in the form of big komka.
- The Cook! Vermicelli was washed out?
-Offend, companion captain, not only washed out, but also presoaked.

*****

Spring. Wood. Talk Maugli and Bagir's Bagira.
-, what to me? I want to escape very far, to hide very deeply, to sit very quietly. Perhaps it is love?
-Is not present, Maugli, it the spring draft in army began...

*****

Evening checking on underwater lodke:
-Ivanov?
-Ya!
-Petrov?
-Ya!
-Sidorov?
-...
-Sidorov!
-...
-Sidorov!!!
-Well ya.
-Uf! (with relief) And where you will get to...

*****

- A platoon to take all shovels and to dig an entrenchment!
-Companion ensign, and why it is necessary to dig an entrenchment?
- The Enemy attacks, it is necessary for us ukpytiye.
-Companion ensign, maybe, ourselves will attack it, let better it d

*****

The platoon of frontier guards is sent to the desert, out instruktazh:
-If you are stung by a snake, it is necessary to make an incision a wound and to exhaust yad.
- And if the snake stings in a penis?
-Here then, the private Ivanov, you also learn, who your true friend.

*****

Platoon on a political information. Zampolit:
- And let the Western world does not create any illusions!
golos from klassa:
-Companion major, and what such illusions? Illusion
-, Vasyuganov... Here you, Vasyuganov, with maids tr %% atsya?
-Yes, companion major, so precisely!
-I you, Vasyuganov, felt, what you in the seventh heaven?
-Yes, companion major, so precisely! This
-,-t, Vasyuganov, is also illusions. Actually you, stsuko, were on two fingers from a zh*pa!!!.

*****

– Platoon!One after another pay off!
-First... the second... the third... the fourth... the fifth... the sixth... the seventh... VOSEM!
-three circles on stadium run march!
...
-Platoon!In the order Of numbers pay off!
-First... the second... the third... Couples

*****

The American scientists in what of the countries most of all took in head (At) to find out use foul language and settled to take one of the brothels, French of cabaret and the Russian barracks. For research made the device in the form of a wall clock (for reserve) itself had which essence for each not standard word to count minute vremeni.
ustanovili in a brothel, come every other day look hours counted a floor chasa.
postavili in the French cabaret, every other day come back look the device determined time for one and a half chasa.
i at last hung up in the Russian barracks, every other day come back hours is not present. They to the man on duty (D):
-(U) Here behind were yesterday the wall clock where them put?
-(D) What hours?
-(U) Well behind you hung the wall device yesterday? I understood
-(D) A you about the fan speak. Know here and so the draft and this fan in all power works, so the ensign ordered to carry it to the dining room there just a place.

*****

The military transport plane flies up. Flash of a flame, roar... from a fiery sphere the plane, just as in the Hollywood fighter takes off. The commander causes inzhenera:
-Petrovich what happened?
-Hernya the commander, the fuel-servicing truck was unhooked....

*****

Flies up passenger avialayner.
v the moment of a separation of basic racks from the earth the unclear roar is distributed,
kotory abates in some seconds after vzleta.
bortinzhener calms disturbed pilotov:
-do not pay attention, it is the fuel-servicing truck it was late disconnected.

*****

The plane flies up, the commander on a public address system objyavlyaet:
-will pass our flight at height... - forgets to switch off a microphone and addresses to the second pilot-... so, now we will fly up, the plane on the autopilot, I will drink coffee, tr %% well the stewardess and I will go to bed" .
Bce is audible in salone.
bortprovodnitsa runs from a plane tail to a cabin, stumbles, falls. Sitting at pass ded:
- The Daughter! Yes you take your time, it also to coffee did not drink...

*****

The plane flew up. The parachute jumps instructor passes by preparing for a jump, shakes everyone for parachute straps and asks poslednego:
-Eggs does not rub?
parashyutist to it otvechayet:
-Is not present! As call
-?
-Natasha

*****

- Twisted Johnson why your office ran up?
-But you, mister colonel, told them: "Act kak
na to war!" Here they also act.

*****

ATTENTION ACTION!!!! Having sent the SMS with the word of "GARBAGE" to free number 02 you can win: an unforgettable trip on the car UAZ-31514, massage from the head to heels and also 15 days in improving sanatorium!!!!!
bolshe SMS - is more than chances!!!

*****

The grandson asks:
-Ded and how you in the war were a partisan?
-Well, I sit, so in bushes... The Fascist train you wait for
-?
-Well... Does not disturb one another

*****

The grandson asks at deda:
- The Grandfather, and you were at the front?
-NU.
-What "Well"?
-Well, was not.

*****

Granddaughters are asked dedushku:
-by the Grandfather, you were at war?
-Was granddaughters, was...
-A to you in the war tore off a hand?
-Yes granddaughters, in the war...
-A as it was?
- When in a military registration and enlistment office dragged.

*****

At the time of medieval wars one hired soldier known as Old Yu saved the city of Siena from foreign aggressors. Any money or honors - was considered by citizens - did not come within miles of what their city kept freedom! Whether was discussed not to proclaim the soldier the governor of the city? But also it is to citizens it seemed insufficiently. At last, someone from participants of the assembly collected specially about it predlozhil:
-Let's it kill and we will proclaim the Saint patron of the city!
ChTO was also done...

*****

During war my grandfather brought down the enemy bicycle. Also it was awarded by a pedal for courage!

*****

During army maneuvers the chief of artillery notices,
chto one of tools does not shoot. He causes on a handheld transceiver komandira
batarei and demands to report in what delo.
-Matter in that, - that reports, - that a gun crew tak
zamaskiroval the gun that now cannot find it.

*****

During ZGV conclusion from Germany on the transport worker the 76th took out a certain confidential equipment. The ridiculous thought came to someone from the Staff to mind that NATO will arrange provocation after take-off and somehow "will lower" the plane from heavens. For example will arrange collision with another samoletom.
komandovaniye seriously got a fright and decided to allocate just in case in maintenance to 2 Istra %% a tel: to frighten off NATO and not only over "again enemy" territory and already to airfield of appointment. Certainly, take-off took place normally and soon the plane already flied over native zemlitsey.
no to pilots to Istra %% tel bothered to follow a slow hippopotamus by then, asses flowed from long sitting and they started being naughty: that the plane will be flown, what thread a barrel will be made. And thus urge on the transport worker's pilot "Well, you will be able so on the tumble-down house? Poorly?" .
pilot the transport worker was silent, was silent, and then speaks:
- And want, I by the plane will show such that you on the to Istra %% tel will not be able to repeat? Da's
-? And that such your barge is able?
-Here smotrite.
10 the plane flies minutes on a straight line. On air complete silence. At last, the pilot of one of Istra %% does not maintain tel and leaves in efir:
-Well, you collect to do something? Or changed the mind?
transportnik also answers them quiet golosom:
- And I already all sdelal.
-Well and what you made such?
-That that... Descended to posrat and smoked...

*****

During educational firing practice of soldiers dokladyvayet:
-Companion ensign, shells came to an end!
-All?
-Is so exact!
-to Stop firing!

*****

During doctrines the commander asked the chief engineering sluzhby
dolozhit to it as divisions are transported on another bere
greki.
-If my assessment of thickness of ice on the river was correct, oni
seychas are transported on ice if is not present, then by swimming, - there was an answer.

*****

During doctrines on the ground one tank fell down in a concrete ditch. The armor burst and the mechanic-driver's head sticks out of a crack. Approached polkan, having scratched a nape, gave out frazu:
-Differently saw but that a forehead to punch armor...

*****

The bus driver solves a crossword puzzle, to it the field investigator gets into a cabin. Driver:
-Hear, Petrovich, "night duty"?
-Obkhod.
-Not, not to.
-Vylazka.
-Not podkhodit.
- And you in answers posmotri.
-So dishonestly budet.
-Watch, it became interesting to me! Listen to
-, there is a night duty is a pajamas!

*****

The military commissar addresses to doppizyvniku:
-What education at you?
papenek otvechayet:
- The Highest. Graduated from Harvard University. And in absentia MGU.
- He philosophize! - the officer frowned and addresses to sekpetapshe:
-Write - it is suitable for front service. Is able to read and write!

*****

Voyenkomat.
- And as whom you want to serve?
-B flight troops!
-will not take you because of an elevated pressure...
-Well, then in air defense!
-A why so?
-If I will not fly, nobody will be!

*****

Military registration and enlistment office. Prizyv.
prizyvnik zayavlyaet:
-I cannot go to army!
komissar:
-Why????
-On belief!
-On what such still belief? I am convinced by
-A that there it will not be pleasant to me!!!!

*****

The military registration and enlistment office disappeared from Nikolay Valuyev while he was not 27 years old...

*****

Military registration and enlistment office - a wonderland. There got and there disappeared!

*****

Military chair. Charters. Polkovnik:
-On Saturday and on Sunday the soldier can leave paspolozheniya
chasti. Means, to go to dismissal. Let's tell, to go to the city, skhodit
s the girl to take a walk, at cinema to go, to circus, in a zoo (burns),
NA a disco, in picture gallery or, say, in theater...... well, it I already bent
NY.

*****

Military chair of higher education institution. The colonel lectures kursantov:
-Here you, slightly that, to me climb: "Companion colonel, and it as? And it where?" And after all when war will begin, companion colonel will not be there, no!

*****

Military unit... Smoking-room. 4 lieutenants sit. One suggests to go to the commander of part to ask for holiday. Rose went. The colonel, the lieutenant Pupkin comes to the commander pervyy:
-Companions. Resolve in otpusk.
-Yes you che! In holiday, you speak? Give the rationalization proposal an improvement suggestion) - You will go on leave!
-is easy! At you under a window of soldiers mows a grass. Che it waves a braid in one party? Give it the second braid we will bind, let mows on the left and to the right!
-Well done! In holiday! vtoroy:
-Give to
zakhodit the rationalization proposal...
-is easy! At you under a window of soldiers mows a grass. Che it to and fro waves a braid? Give it to a braid we will tie a pitchfork, let at once in small groups puts!
-Well done! In holiday!
zakhodit tretiy:
... Give to
- The rationalization proposal...
-is easy! At you under a window of soldiers mows a grass. Che it to and fro waves a braid, a grass in small groups puts? Give we will tie the cart to it, let at once and brings!
-Well done! In holiday!
zakhodit chetvertyy:
... Give to
- The rationalization proposal...
-Not znayu.
-Nu-u-u-u... So go think. You will think up come!
vykhodit the lieutenant on a porch, lights nervously, costs "turnip wrinkles".
I approaches it this soldier here. With this hrenoviny in hands with the attached cart, all sweaty, exhausted. And spitefully so, Che, companion lieutenant asks at leytenanta:
-, in holiday want?! Da- And
-...
-B... cannot think up the rationalization proposal?! Da- And
-...
-B... the HEADLIGHT to me ON the FOREHEAD!!! HEADLIGHT!!! THAT MOWED at NIGHT!!!

*****

Military unit, 4 lieutenants sit. One suggests to go to the commander of part to ask for holiday. Rose went. The colonel, the lieutenant Pupkin comes to the commander pervyy:
-Companions. Resolve in otpusk.
-Yes you che! In holiday, you speak? Give the rationalization proposal - You will go on leave!
-is easy! At you under a window of soldiers mows a grass. Che it waves a braid in one party? Give it the second braid we will bind, let mows on the left and to the right!
-Well done! In holiday!

*****

Military zagadki
1. Without windows, without doors, the room of people is full.
2 (trench). Does not bark, does not bite, and to the house does not let. (Sniper) of
3. On the mountains, on dales the fur coat yes a caftan goes. (The illegal armed bands)

*****

Military experts sovetuyut:
for that to get rid of a hazing, it is necessary to increase service life twice, and then all grandfathers will be surely killed by great-grandfathers.

*****

The medical officer with the duty sergeant stocks vody.
-check in camp What measures you take for prevention of an infection? At first we boil
-vodu.
-Well. And then?
-We it filtruyem.
-is excellent. And what you with it do farther?
-A is farther not to risk, we drink beer.

*****

The medical officer accepts a condition of sanitation at serzhanta.
-As you prepare drinking water? Well at first we it filter
-?
-is good, and then? Then we it boil
-?
-is excellent. And then?
-A not to risk, we drink beer!

*****

The military dentist extracted a painful tooth at the soldier and asked, whether was to it bolno.
-Yes, was, - the soldier admitted. - But it was worth it for the first time to hear the Open the Mouth team.