Anecdotes about the army

Read funny Anecdotes about the army

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Military parade on Red ploshchadi.
-Hello, companions tankmen!
-of Zd! reaped! tova! marshal!
-Hello, companions gunners!
-of Zdr! reaped! tova! marshal!
-Hello, companions security officers!
-Hello, hello, companion marshal...

*****

The military surgeon after the termination of school reads the paper on survey of the patient to the senior ofitseru:
- At fluent survey of the ensign injuries of a cerebral cortex were noticeable, at detailed inspection it became clear that all wood suffered...

*****

The officer after long absence, and the house polon
children:
-So comes back home, well it I know... It too... And it who?
Wife:
-So same you came to holiday last year...
-A, well is exact. And it who, snotty sits?
Wife:
-Well, sits and sits, you that what difference!?

*****

The guy from army comes back to the remote village. It sprashivayut:
- And how there, in army?
-A, dolboyebizm!
-A it as?
-Tomorrow pokazhu.
na the next day in five mornings the guy oret:
-Rise, leave to be under construction!
VSYa the village jumped out, blink, and the guy speaks:
-We with the father behind firewood, the others - to disperse!

*****

The solution of the problem of nuclear synthesis is possible, found at usual temperaturakh.
uzhe the sixth barrel of alcohol, having stood only some days on one of military warehouses, turned into ordinary water.

*****

War. The military translator conducts Voyennoplennogo.
-Wat's interrogation from er neym?
-My name is John Smith.
... HRYaS captured on an ugly face...
Wat from er neym?
-[with astonishment] My name is John Smith!
... HRYaS! to the prisoner on an ugly face...
Wat from er neym?!
-[nearly crying]: My name is John Smith!!!
... HRYaS!!! to the prisoner on an ugly face...
-Ya tya, ss@ka, I ask, how many at you tanks!!!...

*****

War, attack, commander krichit:
-Forward, eagles!
VSE:
-Urra-a!
I only two continue to sit in okope.
komandir:
- And you why sit?!!
-A we are not eagles, we are lions: Lev Moiseevich and Lev Abramovich!

*****

War. Conduct the man on execution. He asks the escort: "What today day of week?". With
-Monday, - answers tot.
-Anything to himself week begins!

*****

War. The military translator conducts Voyennoplennogo.
-Wat's interrogation from yor neym?
-My name is John Smith.
... HRYaS captured on an ugly face...
Wat from yor neym?
-[with astonishment] My name is John Smith!
... HRYaS! to the prisoner on an ugly face...
Wat from yor neym?!
-[nearly crying]: My name is John Smith!!!
... HRYaS!!! to the prisoner on an ugly face...
-Ya tya, a bough, I ask, how many at you tanks!!!

*****

War. Day the first. Germans took Estoniyu.
voyna. Day of the second. Russians beat off Estoniyu.
voyna. Day the third. Germans took Estoniyu.
voyna. Day the fourth. Russians beat off Estoniyu.
voyna. Day the fifth. Estonian frontier guards are alarmed.

*****

War... the 41st... Full defeat of the Soviet Air Force...
stalin are caused by Zhukova in stavku:
-Tavarishch Zhyukov, I proshyu you to understand current situation! Zhukov goes to the front, orders to take language. Shoot down the German plane, take prisoner letchika.
zhukov doprashivayet:
-Why force down ours? We Russian studied
plennyy:
-A, now by radio we listen to negotiations of your pilots: "Vanya, cover a tail, I attack!" Everything is clear to us, here and we force down...
zhukov goes to a zone, builds zekov:
-Everything who wants to be a pilot - amnesty!!!
prokhodit week - an empery of the Soviet Air Force in air. Stalin in perplexity - orders to take language. Shoot down the German plane, take prisoner letchika.
stalin doprashivayet:
-Why ours beat you? Earlier everything was clear to
plennyy:
-, your pilots spoke Russian... And now only it is also audible by radio: "A nail, cover a hollow, I now will do a pi@ar of this goat"...

*****

War. The shabby military cruiser, on it rushes a torpedo of the enemy. the captain shturmanu:
-It seems distract children, and that the panic will begin if the torpedo is seen. to die - so with advantage...
poshel the navigator to the sailor and speaks:
-Rebyat, want focus I will show? Now so I will hit the member on the deck that the cruiser in half will break up!
matrosy:
-Ukh, you! yes does not happen such! give, show!
dostayet the Navigator bolsho - about - oye advantage and-ak will hit the on the deck. in half pulled down the cruiser, all in water... the captain swims up to shturmanu:
-Ty che, the cretin, made? the torpedo by floated!

*****

War in Yugoslavia. Two MiG patrols air prostranstvo.
poka everything silently. With boredom pilots inertly argue the friend with drugom:
-we Argue, I will bring down the rocket of wons that crow?
-Not, you will not bring down, small ochen.
-100 dollars if I force down!
-A bargain! of
skazano - is made. The pilot of the first MiG launches missiles on a crow. Explosion is distributed, the heap black oblomkov.
flies down... The crow was surprised, pilots of MiG were surprised. But most the pilot of F117 which is brought down invisible beings was surprised.

*****

Military unit, the first rise on alarm after summer holiday at officers. The lieutenant jumps in a tower of the tank and shouts: "Pour! Fie, undress! Fie you. Creeks!"

*****

Army chast.
komandir - the former intellectual from high school vypusknikov.
polovina parts - university graduates, the second half - the former Vocational students, criminals, shpana.
time uvolneniya.
pervye are released for three days, the second - on three nedeli.
pervye are indignant: - Why you, companion commander, do indulgence to such bastards? Understand
-... to me more time with PEOPLE so wants to stay!!!

*****

Body. Nearby - sponsored kindergarten. In kindergarten the electrical wiring burned down and the manager agreed with the commander of part that that sent for repair of two soldiers. Next day after repair, all livestock of kindergarten starts swearing matom.
zaveduyushchaya goes with predjyavy to the commander: so supposedly and so... your soldiers came, repaired conducting, but now at me all children swear, as shoemakers...
komandir calls soldiers - for examination obstoyatelstv.
-Swore?!
-Is not present, companion major! That there you had
-A?
-Well... The private Petrov stood on a step-ladder and soldered conducting... And I stood below - and held stremyanku.
-Well?
-Well and me fell on a forehead a drop of the melted tin...
-A you?! And I also tell
-: "Private Petrov! Unless you do not see, what to your companion on a forehead the melted tin drips"?

*****

question :
kak to divide 0,8l. vodka on 3 chelovek
otvet:
nalit to everyone on 100g. and task privoditsya
k the standard.

*****

Question at school praporshchikov:
ekzamenator: - Here look. It is a thumb,
eto - index, it is average, it is anonymous,
eto - mezinets.
(Moves fingers) Is stirred
-, we disturb, we disturb... Where what?

*****

- Here you when the first time kissed?
-B of army. With a banner. And then broke, and rushed - pennants, badges...

*****

- Here at us the foreman was such humorist - as chyo-nibud will tell, so all will lay down! That did he tell
-I?
-of Rooot! Lay down!

*****

All phrases depend on a context. For example, as it is pleasant to 19-year-old guy to hear in a military registration and enlistment office from the military commissar: "Went on *** from here!"

*****

All phrases depend from konteksta.
naprimer as it is pleasant to 19-year-old guy to hear in a military registration and enlistment office from voyenkoma:
"Went on h*y from here!"...

*****

The Serbian of the American and asks:
-How much is one your cruise missile meets after war? I do not know
-precisely, but near milliona.
-What you after all idiots! It was necessary to dump cash, we would kill each other!

*****

Two blondes meet: - Estimate, my sister clinked glasses... It dressed up as the man and went to serve in army... - But after all it should go to a bath with men. Somebody will surely hand over! - Yes who will hand over?!

*****

Two lieutenants meet. One drugomu:
-Ty what wife would like to have: beautiful and idle or the ugly creature but that true was?
You know..... Probably the ugly creature and that idle was!
-????? Why? That I her house did not see
Da!!!

*****

The pilot, the tankman meet and zampolit. Took 2 for three, time was poured on a full glass, by the second, third. Also there is one glass. Well not to spill. solved - who will tell the most tall tale - vypyet.
tankist: As that in fight I take off on a small hill, and there "Abrams" as vlupit on me armor-piercing - caterpillars in the parties, a tower up, the case in half, and I stand, scratches, only levers in hands....
-happens, byvayet
letchik: I fly on a task, V-2 comes on me, lupanut from 3 rockets, the plane na...., a fuselage in disorder, and I with a steering wheel on a catapult, and scratches....
-happens, byvayet
zampolit: I creep as that on a first line with the grenade...
-PEY, ZAMPOLIT, PEY!!!!!!!!

*****

Two meet after February 23 psa.
odin all is redressed, hardly dyshit.
-That with you?
- The Owner izbil.
-For what?
-were Bitten by me ego.
-Yes for what?! You Present to
-, got drunk, the reptile, and all my medals fastened...

*****

Two meet Priyatelya.
-well, can on girls we descend? - speaks первый.
- Yes you that, I have a wife - the ensign, at the weapon!
-I that? Hung up the
Plate in the apartment: "A step to the left - I shoot!"

*****

Two colleagues after army meet. speaks:
-You know one, yesterday were on birthday, herring under a fur coat ate... That another to it otvechayet:
-Yes you and in army bread under a blanket guzzled
Ha...

*****

Submarines meet old-prestarenkaya Russian and a fuck-up the last Shtatovskaya and Shtatovsky kepten asks nashego:
-Kolega tell your wreck can give though 15 knots? A cap a question botsmanu:
-we Will give
NASh?
BOTSMAN:
-Not question .
proveryayut - indeed, and the most terrible for Americans a cursor not slyshno.
- And thirty?
TOZHE most...
-A forty?
opyat too samoye.
amerikansky kepten in full shock, in a hysterics, in eyes full panika:
- And seventy you will master? A cap a question botsmanu:
-we Will give
NASh? We will allow to Give
BOTSMAN:
-but I am afraid at guest workers flippers posletat....

*****

World War II. Winter of the 1941st. Ours come. Suddenly the forward line of attack runs into the German pillbox, from there scribbles a machine gun and stops passing well nelzya.
ataka in any way. Command does not know what to do. Suddenly see that the group of guerrillas sideways approaches a pillbox and one of them suddenly falls on a pillbox closes himself a machine gun and, naturally, perishes. Ours fast break and take a pillbox and standing behind it derevnyu.
through 2 weeks. Conduct on execution of that German that sat in a pillbox and shot at ours. Our war correspondent approaches it and speaks:
(To) - You know, I am the correspondent of the Russian military newspaper, I want to write article about that hero who closed the body a machine gun and by that offered the life that anybody was not lost any more. Tell me please about nem.
(N) - Well I sit, I shoot from a machine gun at yours. Suddenly I see: the man, such dirty, unshaven, a rifle hangs on one side, a shinelka shabby... well I think - the guerrilla. Suddenly it take and it is direct on a machine gun and lyag.
(To) - Well, and he can something ayered death told? For the homeland there, for example, or for Stalin?
(H) - Well you know, I am not really strong in Russian, but in my opinion he told something it seems: "Oh, б#я! Е#аный ice!"

*****

World War II. The German experts lose to ours. Hitler causes Geringa
-That for Affairs? Why our experts lose to Russians? My Fuhrer I can send to
- The best experts from the countries, which we zavoyevali.
-Posylayte.
prokhodit week: Stalin of the assistant vyzyvayet.
s - the Companion that for affairs? Why our experts of the German lose?
P - Iosif Vissarionovich I can send convicts. A stock of experts konchilsya.
s - Send convicts. later time the situation again changes and Hitler again causes Geringa
-That again for affairs? Why our experts again suffer a defeat? My Fuhrer we did by
-to radio interception earlier everything was clear: The fifth or fifth, I cover the tenth I attack. And now in general it is clear nothing: Bald-bald, I am a long loaf, get up on a chickie I now to this frayer of egg on a fuselage will wind.

*****

World War II. In different entrenchments the Russian and the German. Russian oret:
-Ne-e-e-me-e-e-ets!!! TOT:
-A-a-a-a?
-X... on!!! Through 5 minut:
-Ne-e-e-me-e-e-e-ets!!!
-A-a-a-a??? Lick
-p... dy edges!!! The German took offense and escaped to Hitler to complain. Hitler and otvechayet:
-You that, cannot break off Russian? Well the German resorts and oret:
-Ru-u-u-u-usski-i-i-i-y!!! In reply silence...
-Russian, your mother! Russian otvechayet:
-German, it you?
-Yes...
-X... on!!!

*****

World War II. Russian village. A hut on the edge of the village. Dead of night. Drunk fascists approach a hut, hammer on the door and krichat:
-Open, we to want Russian female peep!!!
tishina. Opyat:
-Open, we to want Russian female peep!!!
otkryvayetsya a door, leaves the HUGE BIG FELLOW, is wider and above doors, sleepy, in hair straw, wipes half asleep eyes and, widely yawning, asks:
-Pi@da perhaps?

*****

World War II voyna.
sidit the German sniper in an ambush and periodically vykrikivayet:
-Ivan!!!
IZ of an entrenchment leans out Ivan:
-of That?
B answer "women". Vanya trup.
-Petro!!!
-of Ayushki?
babakh. Petro for nim.
a in the next entrenchment sits the Kazakh and prichitayet:
-Only not Dzhumabay! Only not Dzhumabay!

*****

Yesterday at a space station there was a depressurization. 40 bottles piva.
vsyu became depressurized night our astronauts left in an outer space

*****

Yesterday I woke up in great mood, broke up all posters with Boris Moiseyev, burned all albums of Elton John and thongs, approached a military registration and enlistment office where it was wrung out 140 times, was brought up 50, then sent where far away all from the corporal to the general, spat at a door and left home! And how you noted the 27th anniversary?!

*****

- What will you do, the sergeant Teyer if water-supplies in vashem
vzvode are infected?
-would be to pass with the Best exit to beer.

*****

You phoned in a military registration and enlistment office! If you wish to serve, gather "asterisk" if is not present - "lattice"