Jokes about holidays

Read funny Jokes about New Year

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Santa Claus flies, carries gifts. New year approaches. The schedule at Santa squeezed, houses it is necessary to fly still about a dofig, and time - just barely enough. Flies in a pipe to the next house, looks, and there the girl naked lies. Santa zadumalsya:
-I Will use the girl - I will not manage to carry gifts in time. But I will not use - I will not be able to go broke...

*****

The 16-year-old boy comes the 1st domoy.
mat:
-Well as, the sonny, celebrated?
SYN:
-As always, are drunk too much, then peretrakhalis.
mat:
- And girls were?

*****

The 6-year-old little girl climbed on knees to Father Frost who attended kindergarten for offsprings of "new Russians". You that you want
-A as a gift, the dear child? - he asks it. Strictly looked at the child at it, You knitted eyebrows and vydala:
-, the fat old man, unless did not receive my fucking "soap"?

*****

Summer. Prison. The prisoner was brought back into a chamber from interrogation. It knocks on a wall koreshu:
-Tuk, tuk, Vasya, wake up!
- Well that to you? I Wish
- a Happy New Year!
- You that went nuts, summer on dvore.
-I just from interrogation, to you with year threw.

*****

London … Fog … Cafe … Two gentlemen sit. One drugomu:
-Skoro New year, well!
VTOROY:
- Well and that. Sex лучше.
- Yes, but is more often New year …

*****

- Lyusya, you go on a New Year's office party? Well you give
-NET.
-!
- Well, generally I give, but I will not go to an office party.

*****

m@ndarinka are New Year's sunflower seeds.

*****

The man in the morning after a meeting of new year with the swelled-up face, red eyes, unshaven, costs and you look in zepkalo:
- And so what, the person of the 3rd millennium...

*****

The little girl prepared two weeks for Father Frost's arrival, learned a rhyme, sewed a dress and so on. New Year's Eve, call to a door. The girl with shout: "I, will open!" runs to open a door, stumbles and falls. Opens a door, hnyky and wiping snivels. Father Frost is on the threshold ruddy and slightly to a podshofa. Father Frost joyful basom:
-Hi, girl, hi darling. Happy New Year you! And what you cry? The girl weepingly and slyuni:
-I so waited for you, the grandfather, a rhyme learned, a pricker dress, the door now ran to open, fell, tore a dress and a rhyme (sobbings) zaby-y-yla... Father Frost with sincere grief, parting hands:
-Well. your mother!

*****

The little boy speaks:
- And I know, Father Frost not nastoyashchiy
-why you so think? I saw
-, it has a human face.

*****

The little boy wrote to Father Frost: "Father Frost, from you it is not necessary for me any gifts, simply make so that in new year Putin did not become a president". Here and one more kid in March, 2012 will cease to believe in Father Frost...

*****

The little boy wrote to Ded Morozu:
"Send me, please, the brother" .
DED Moroz otvetil:
"Is not present problems. Send me the mother".

*****

The little boy writes the letter to Ded with Morozu:
"Dear Father Frost! I very much liked those American crackers which you presented to me on last New God.
poetomu present me, please, this New Year 2 fingers and an eye

*****

The little boy comes home all scratched: the face scratched handles are scratched, legs are scratched: The father at it asks:
-that happened, the sonny?
DA you understand fathers, we in a garden had a morning performance, the round dance was driven. It is not enough of us, and a fir-tree big.

*****

To a small fir-tree cold in the winter! From the wood the fir-tree was taken by us home... - the fireman sang.

*****

Very few people know, but for decoration of the apartment for new year it is enough to throw a petard into vinaigrette.

*****

Kids, the brother with the sister, build a snowman. The boy speaks:
-Well everything, is almost ready. I will run on kitchen, carrot vozmu.
sestra:
-Two take, to it too we will make a nose.

*****

The boy mixed and instead of Lapland called to Sicily and ordered Father Frost...

*****

The boy from elite kindergarten studies New Year's stishok:
zdravstvuy, Father Frost - a beard from cotton wool!
podari for New year of BMW X - the fifth!

*****

- Mothers, and Father Frost when comes?
-Nochyyu.
-Today?
-Zavtra.
-I Hope, Snow Maidens not budet.
-Why?
- Well, why-why?! Because it - not Father Frost!

*****

- Mothers, it is possible I will go I will take a walk in the yard with others?
- You already peeled potatoes, were moved away all rooms, made lessons, read "War and peace", descended in shop behind products, took out garbage, washed the things, played

*****

Mother took an interest at the synishki:
-That you would like to receive per day New Year?
- the Horse, the gun and three days not to wash!

*****

Mother asks:
-Vovochka whom you want to be?
-Grandfather of Morozom.
-Why?
- Well to walk week round houses, to be kidding, to drink vodka, salatov
nazhratsya moreover and the Snow Maiden every evening trakhat.
-From where you took it?! The Father told
- to the neighbor uncle Kolya.

*****

- Mother, you precisely want that I spent New Year of the house?
- Of course!
- Then leave the 31st somewhere.

*****

Medvedev in a congratulation on a box speaks "in some moments figures on a calendar" .
Tishka17 will be replaced: In horror presented as the Arab figures are replaced with something unclear....

*****

Physicians warn: if long to drive round dances round the New Year's fir-tree and it is bad to have a snack, the head can begin to spin.

*****

The cop, patrolling the territory on a horse, sees the little girl by bicycle, stops it and asks: - Girl, what beautiful bicycle at you! The girl shy answers: - Thanks. - And who presented it to you? - Father Frost. - Truth? Well then tell Father Frost that he put on the headlight bicycle next time. The girl looks at the cop on a horse and suddenly speaks: - And you, have an uncle the militiaman, a beautiful horse! - Thanks, girl. - And who presented it to you? - To me too Father Frost! - Truth? Well then tell it that the horse-radish at a horse has to be from below, but not from above

*****

The Minister of Emergency Situations Sergey Shoygu wished to rescuers to meet quietly New year, and to citizens of Russia - to allow them it to make.

*****

A lot of good luck in New year was wished to kids by Father Frost. And children to thank the grandfather, presented to him for luck the Firebird. Father Frost took the Firebird in hand and rejoiced to a gift. Whole five minutes. While did not thaw.

*****

The young family celebrates New year. One of guests sets question :
- And who the owner at your place?
Wife:
- The Owner, give a vote!
husband (plaintively):
- of Gav!

*****

- Young man! - the father is indignant. - You promised me to lead my daughter home to a meeting of New Year, that is to twelve o'clock in the morning! Already four o'clock in the morning, and in general, are not my daughter!

*****

Youth is when you do not believe any more that for New Year to you Father Frost will come, but still hope that to you the Snow Maiden will come.

*****

- The adjuster, my TV set broke...
-A that with it? It same shows to
- And not that nado.
-It as?
- Well here, for example, every year on December 31, under peal of bells on ekrane
televizora appears one of brothers Grimm and starts telling od

*****

My mother asks at the granddaughter:
- the Hare, what to present to you for New Year? Present to
- The musorochny machine green and hokkey.
- And something can another want?
Da! Present me a tractor, the hare and kitchen toy, and mother and Sasha hockey and a dustbin.

*****

The husband long argues with the wife. Completely exhausted, he speaks:
-it is fine, in honor of New year let will be your way...
- Late! I already changed the mind!

*****

The husband and the wife sit in the evening in kitchen and razgovarivayut:
-You know, our neighbor appears very clever person? Why you so consider
-?
- When presented to our son for New Year a drum, he only guessed to ask: "And you know, what at it inside"?

*****

The husband with the wife speak druzyam:
-Come to us to New GOD.
-We not smozhem.
-It so kindly of you.

*****

The man meets New Year one, thumps. A parrot from a cage speaks:
-Vas, and Vas, pour to me nemnozhko.
-So you, the swine, you will ask to pokhmelitsya tomorrow! If I will ask
-, cut to me wings!
- Well! The next morning the man pokhmelyatsya. The parrot ruffled up, tries not to look in his party, at last does not maintain and speaks:
-Vas, well why to me wings, I after all all the same in a cage sizh-zh-zh-zh-zh-zh-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-.

*****

The man wakes up in the morning from a terrible bodunishch. Asks zhenu:
-New year passed?
-Proshel.
-A what is the date today?
-Second yanvarya.
- And the first was?