Jokes about holidays

Read funny Jokes about New Year

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New Russian Father Frost came to kindergarten, his children sprashivayut:
- The Grandfather! You brought gifts to us?
- Brought, children! Buy...

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Night after celebration of New Year! Phone call! The man goes and grumbles: "Well what moron rings 16 o'clock in the morning?!"

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- Well, children, want to get on a fir-tree? - Father Frost spoke, tying a rope to a bough...

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- Well, what do you Katya decided on the New Year?
- We decided - let come.

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- Well as passed your New Year's holidays?
- As set of candies. At first "carnival", then "bear in the north",
NU and then "little squirrel"...

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- Well as celebrated Christmas?
- Yes so. Since morning I look, under a fir-tree socks roll, and in them - is empty. Only in vain soiled hands...

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- This New year needs to be met in a suit of a hare?
- Is not present, in a suit from Zaytsev.

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- Accused when you found others purse? dekabrya.
-As soon as you it found
- 31, at once had to hand over in militsiyu.
-that day in militia nobody bylo.
- And next day?
- in a purse already was Next day nothing.

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The announcement in the newspaper: "Ladies and gentlemen! Make New Year for the children unforgettable, invite to yourself Father Frost!" P. S. Misters, do not deprive also yourself this evening in pleasure - invite to yourself the Snow Maiden.

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On fir-tree bazare:
pokupatel - remember the announcement at whom costs the house an artificial Christmas tree, to that artificial Father Frost with false gifts will come!

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The announcement in magazine:
"Misters buyers! On the third floor of our shop New Year's Eve sale of false Christmas tree decorations is made. The prices are reduced by 70%".
narod runs on the third floor, there near a counter the crowd is already rumpled, all in perplexity behold igrushki.
-Forgive! - at last someone does not maintain. - And what such false Christmas tree decorations, and than they, actually, differ from the presents? At
prodavets - the correct young man in a suit and at a tie - with readiness objyasnyaet:
- And here, look - see: in appearance they as the presents, huh? (sadly) But pleasures from them any...

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Announcement: "We take orders for New year. Rastsenki:
- The Snow Maiden with Father Frost - $50 of ;
- The Snow Maiden without Father Frost - $200".

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On January 1st everyone wakes up a firedrake.

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One friend tells another as he carried out New Year's noch:
-Began with the neighbor even in the afternoon. Then wandered about friends as met New Year - I do not remember. I come back home at daybreak. The door for the lock is not closed. I look to the room, and there my wife lies in a bed with some man. There is on kitchen, and there on a table a binge, snack... Drank up everything that was, and then I look: the refrigerator and furniture in kitchen not mine!

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One man on the eve of Christmas dressed up in Santa Claus's suit and, rejoicing that can amuse properly the wife, called at a door of their house. The spouse opened, and, he did not manage to utter and words as she threw the arms round it a neck, began to kiss and entrained in a bedroom. And there, mad, indulged with it in love nearly two hours. At last, having used a small respite, it dumped from itself(himself) a false beard and moustaches. And right there uslykhat word which struck it on all zhizn:
-Well it is necessary, it you? And I after all did not recognize you at all...

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One new Russian - drugomu:
-Bought for New year to the wife of Faberzhe.
oba egg.

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Lonely New Year's Eve. Call to a door. Behind a door there is a Snow Maiden in a short red coat from under which long-predlinnye feet last. Year promises to be good!
vnutrenny voice: Do not take in head to remove a chain from a door - Father Frost with a heavy bag costs in the same place.

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One head of Zmeya Gorynycha-drugoy:
-Powerfully we hooted yesterday. Perfectly New year was met! Perhaps
prodolzhim? And third ours of that such sad?
- Yes it from the yesterday's did not oklematsya...

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The one-eyed boy on New Year's morning performances always the pirate.

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It appears, tired actors of our platform invite ordinary people from the street to own office parties and force to sing and dance under a karaoke for ridiculous money.

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He sat down under an artificial Christmas tree, drank to bank of nonalcoholic beer and began the habitual movements to inflate the rubber woman...

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The skilled Snow Maiden will help your kid not to be frightened of Father Frost's arrival.

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There arrived under new year to collective farm the commission from a district committee. Of course, the first business in ppavleniye:
-Where the chairman?
sekpetapsha otvechayet:
-Sows! - further pechatat.
-Where, where? Well I govoit
-, sows!
plechami was reaped, left. See the agronomist goes, they to nemu:
-you that, with the chairman, absolutely drove out of mind? Have you ever seen anything like it, a sowing campaign among an eima? On tapelke:
-Yes who could such tell
U of that eye to you? We asked
-A the secretary, she speaks: "Sows! "
-da she at us a letter "P" does not utter it!

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Chamber in maternity hospital. Round of professor. Questions, answers...
okazalos that all were going to give birth in one day - on October 1. Professor is surprised. To it objyasnyayut:
- And we in one company met New Year.

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- The father, and why Father Frost has a stick? You what mean
-?

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The father and what "bride" means?
- Well, as if to explain to you? Well, let us assume, I presented you for New year the bicycle, it now yours, but you can ride it only in the summer.

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- The father, guess, what train is late most? What
-, sonny?
- what you promised me to present last New year.

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On the first of January in ten mornings is ringing on telefonu.
-Hallo, who it?
- Hello, is New Year's sotsopros.
a guess now that 99% of respondents answered.

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The first of January. Call podrugi:
-Daw? Well as spent New Year?
-A! As usual, in a bed...
-I was to the people much?

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The first of January. Parents call by telephone: - The sonny how New year met? The son, with great difficulty understanding about what in general he is asked: - And I did not meet him … He came.

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Petka meets Chapayev in Tel Aviv under Jewish New god.
-Shana Tova, Vasily Ivanovich! (happy New Year!)
- Truly tova, Petka!

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The letter of the girl to Father Frost to whom the catalog kosmetiki:
is attached"... present me No. 5913, No. 5926 and No. 5971 and, please, return the catalog after holidays".

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The letter to Father Frost (it is dated: December, 2012)
dorogoy Father Frost!
Ha this New Year come to us, please, himself, and that last time instead of you the uncle Volodya came - I it uznal.
a this year present me the normal machine, but not yellow "Guelder-rose", as last time. Especially it not new - the uncle Volodya on it already ezdil.
a still make so that the uncle Volodya withdrew the candidate from presidential elections, and that he at me all voices otberyot.
s respect, Dima Medvedev.

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Letter to Ded Morozu:
dorogoy Father Frost!
TY, probably, did not get used to receive the letter in such day, on the second of January. But I would like to clear some misunderstanding which happened between us. At the beginning of last month I wrote you the letter in which asked for you the bicycle, the electric railroad, couple of roller skates and a football form. During the whole year I studied as the madman, I had the best estimates not only in a class, but also at all school. The word of honor, anybody did not behave better around, than I, with parents, brothers, friends and neighbors. I constantly ran in shop, and two times even helped the old woman crossing the road. Did not remain any good act which I would not make. And what horse-radish you brought me this moronic graggers, an idiotic whistle and couple ugly a sock? What did you get a false idea of yourself, a goat, parting me all year and having left this heap of shit under a fir-tree? And, as though scoffing, you brought so many gifts to this bastard who lives in the neighboring house, what it could not even enter with them a door? So even do not think next year to thrust the thick smelly bum to me into a window! I will throw stones at your shitty deer so they will run up and you should walk to the fucking North Pole just like me because you did not present me this damned bicycle! You went on figs, Father Frost! About this to year you learn, how bad I can be, you are fat, smelly Father Frost!
vsegda your, little Vova.

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According to New Year's news service, only one of the Russians who met morning on January 1 could set to himself and itself from the third attempt to answer a question: "You want, I will guess, what is your name?" Father Frost appeared them.

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According to the last data of astrologers, the coming New year will be quite favorable practically for all zodiac signs. But serious problems at those people who do not use services of astrologers are quite possible.

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According to mobile network operators, among congratulatory New Year's SMS with a huge separation the following is in the lead: "Thanks! And who it?"

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On a floor women frosts went and distributed gifts, sincerely including themselves Snow Maidens.

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Master: At me to you serious razgovor
umk @: Go where you want, you zayebat me!
povelitel: Generally I wanted to ask that to present to you for new year, but the course of your thoughts me is clear :)