Anecdotes about the army

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Anecdotes about the army

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General:
-I look, companion soldier, you too umnyy.
-Who, I?
-Well not I!

*****

The general - a system of soldiers: "I wish health! "
I here each of soldiers thought that if to cry out "Went to х$й!", in crowd of it it will not be audible...

*****

The general wakes up from a deep hangover in the morning. Not to remember that was sny yesterday. Nearby there is an aide-de-camp and irons his single-breasted coat. "Had a shower bath", with horror the general thought. "Anything, I will get out". You Know
-, there began the general, yesterday arrived to a regiment, and here from round the corner what - that the drunk lieutenant on me flew also all single-breasted coat to me, the reptile, fixed. Well, and I as it is necessary, 10 days to it, to parshivets and vlipil.
-am Not enough distance, companion general. This impudent fellow to you also got cold feet

*****

The general made to the ensign a rating for an oversight. Praporshchik:
-Companion general, let's forget this business better. If we, seniors, quarrel, what then soldiers will begin to get up?

*****

- You nearly hit the general, a goat! - the captain soldatu.
-Now that's something like it shouts! - delightfully the soldier speaks, - and after all I learned to shoot only yesterday!

*****

Report on the general of KGB on introduction of ours razvedchika:
-Operation took place successfully, except for small unclear detali.
-Report podrobno.
- The Agent started preparing a year ago. On a legend, the young man came into a fortune in the United States. Through the Swiss bank transferred 500 thousand dollars there. The agent some months as it is accepted, achieved the exit visa. Not to cause suspicions as all stood in queues in OVIR, collected references, it was expelled from Komsomol. Eventually received the visa and, having staid month behind the air ticket, yesterday took off for SShA.
- And what for an unclear detail?
- When it rose on a ladder, he turned back and somehow strange waved to us with a hand.

*****

The huge sizes the unknown flying object was found by the Ukrainian air defenses. The object appears early in the morning in the east and, radiating a bright sunlight, moves towards the West and completely disappears at night. Air defense of Ukraine so far already launched some cruise "surface-to-air" missiles on object.

*****

Looking at simple Russians, the impression is made that if at them ne
bylo armies, to people, except jumpsuits, in the winter and to put on bylo
b there is nothing.

*****

- Speak, you rusit partizanen, how many partizanen to disappear in the Russian wood!?
-Yes went you, a fascist muzzle, I will tell nothing!
-For each one good German of cigarettes told partizanikht mi davayt to you!
-You that, a reptile, want tha

*****

They say that in the future in morflot will take only not able to float - they protect the ship much better!

*****

2099...
armiya of Russia became computerized and superprestigious. There is a medical board. Vrach:
-Well, recruit. With health at you it is unimportant, hair long so we send you to HIGHER EDUCATION INSTITUTION, on legal profilyu.
- The Doctor! I cannot in HIGHER EDUCATION INSTITUTION! I at the first examination will kick the bucket! And if grandfathers force the paper to write???
-Sonny... Someone has to in Russia in HIGHER EDUCATION INSTITUTIONS study. So... Do the duty, the student...

*****

2050. The arms became very difficult, therefore army completely professional and elitnaya.
universitet, 1 course. Two studenta.
-Well soldier? Too from army deducted?

*****

2010. In Chechnya the governor general Sidorov meets delegation of PACE. Go, examine Grozny. And here towards Chechen. Live! The general tells adjyutantu:
-That you me, the brother, dishonor?
-is reparable In a minute...

*****

Blue helmets on the black heads of Blacks in twilight napominali
nochnye the pots flying by air

*****

- Mister feldfebel! The lunch will be enough only on polroty.
-Perfectly, means we will have dinner after attack - will just be enough for all.

*****

The new American ballistic missile prepares for start. On a tree at a launch pad two sit vorony.
-Will fly up! - speaks odna.
-will not fly up! - tells other.
proiskhodit start, and the rocket vzryvayetsya.
-you cawed It! I Serve as
-to the Soviet Union!

*****

The border on the card is designated so: a point - a dash, a point - a dash that means - the frontier guard - a dog, the frontier guard - a dog.

*****

Enormous Chinese army it is reserved crossed the border to surrounded small sibirskiy
gorodok. And there silence, tranquillity... After an hour of expectation Chinese parlamenter
vkhodit to the village also finds a lot of the Russian men in a pothouse. Having broken there,
ON is loud objyavlyaet:
-Russians, give up. We, valorous Chinese army, declare to you войну.
Кто, having come off a table, asks:
- And how many you?
-Us - fifty million! Yo-my
-, - falls apart someone from men, - where we will bury you!

*****

The Georgian looks at the child, to that all hairy-hairy, and asks
zhenu:
-Tamara, listen, you gave birth to him or connected?

*****

Georgians write the letter to the son to army: "Daragy Gogi! It is fast the tvy service comes to an end. Write, the sonny that ti you want, as you to meet. Mozhit tibe the new house to construct, either to find the bride, or to buy the car?" The son answers them with the letter: "Ridnye mine Tat and mother! Nichy Maine it is necessary: neither wheelbarrows, nor hatka, shanks. Kupiti of a tilka was overgrown, call him "Petrenko's prapor", I will arrive - I will kill to a bough"

*****

Yes at master's approach from the American flag it is possible to sew one telnyashechka and 26 shoulder straps for ensigns!

*****

Distant flight on the East. Third hour of flight. Early morning. Sun vstayet.
ves crew half-asleep. And the Commander weeds along border with Kitayem.
vdrug on SPU:
-, 5 degrees vpravo.
on podvorachivayet.
i here opyat:
-5 More vpravo.
komandir having finally cheered up and having remembered, what nearby granitsa:
- The Navigator, what course?
B naushnikakh:
- And, what?
- The Course, I ask, what? What-what
-, former! That sprained
-A?
-Ya did not speak to sprain!
-Well as 5, then 5.
more Yes were not told by me! Who told
-A?
-Ya.
-Who am I?
-Radist.
komandir is wrapped and looks at the radio operator who in a full rasslabukha grew stout on kreslu.
-Well and what for?
-Yes the sun directly arrested attention. And now zayebis!!!...

*****

Give to fighters a task to make the way in a staff of the enemy and to find out about plans them deystviy.
komandir speaks:
-As a task dangerous, I give three grenades and one kasku.
vykhodit out of operation Givi and speaks:
- And it is possible me on the contrary - one grenade and Torahs of a helmet? Dali to it that, chto
on asked, and sent to investigation. Hour passes, two passes - Givi
vse is not present. Send to searches of the soldier. That goes-goes, suddenly sees - v
lesu on an edge among enemies Givi, before him - three helmets sits. Givi
speaks:
-Well give once again! Under what helmet of pomegranate? Under sredney? Ouch, darling, of
opyat ne guessed. Drive 10 more dollars and the card of your attack!

*****

druga:
-you Represent two, San in army is taken away!
-As? It this... as it... it not vozmut.
-will be taken, taken - painfully it to the colonel attracted.

*****

Two twins on medical examination in a military registration and enlistment office. The first leaves an office, the second asks:
-Well that, took?
-Is not present, komissovali.
-Pass once again, and that to me took to undress not hochetsya.
through a little minut:
-You!

*****

Two generals in Genshtabe:
-Semenych, give who more Chechen cities znayet.
- And give, nachinay.
-Gudermes.
-Vedeno.
-Shali.
-Argun.
-E... there is no such...
-Urus-Martan.
-Too net.
-Nozhay-YURT.
-2 days as net.
-Achkhoy-Martan.
-Well, you yours... remembered... pole.
-Well! Groznyy.
-Well, Grozny, is still...

*****

Two generals - the Russian (R) and American (And) talk behind a shot glass to tea at an exhibition to military equipment somewhere in OAE.
(R) to pride:- The power value of a day diet of the soldier of the Russian army makes 1500 KKAL.
(And): - And the value of a day diet of the soldier of the American army makes 3000 KKAL.
(R): - Vresh! You already bent it! I do not believe that the person can gobble up two bags of a swede in days!

*****

- druga:
-you Represent two, San in army is taken away!
-As? It this. as it. it not vozmut.
-will be taken, taken, painfully it to the colonel attracted.

*****

druga:
-you Represent two, San in army is taken away!
-As? It this... as it... it not vozmut.
-will be taken, taken - painfully it to the colonel attracted.

*****

Two Jews in the years of World War I were army postavshchikami.
shloyme I complain to the competitor of Moyshe:
-sold armies lot of gas masks - only God yes I knew that they pass gas! And what, your way, the Minister of War thought up? Forced me to put on one of my gas masks and thrust me into a gas chamber - it, you see decided to check quality of a gas mask. I already said a doleful prayer - but you represent: with me nothing sluchilos.
moyshe, it was a real miracle!
-It was not a miracle, - Moyshe answers. - After all gas was delivered by me!

*****

Two collectors with a bag of money run away from militiamen and otstrelivayutsya.
vot guess in this situation now: who plunders bank?...

*****

Two Caucasian guerrillas in an environment of fascists... speaks:
-Ty as you want
pervy, but detain Germans, and I descend behind a reinforcement,
vot to you the last grenade so far and mine kaska.
proshlo the first guerrilla comes back two hours with a reinforcement and looks:
tolpa of Germans surrounded the second guerrilla and he speaks:
-Posledny time I show them stupid fashist.
vot two helmets, here the grenade: twist-twirl in what helmet of pomegranate?

*****

Two lieutenants go down the street. See ahead the girl s
prelestnym the back. Overtake, look into face and razocharovanno
proiznosyat:
- The Girl if you were also beautiful in front as i
szadi, we rastselovali.
-would Kiss you there where it is beautiful!

*****

Two cops stand in a cordon on gey-parade.
-Went to the daughter on vypusknoy.
takiye graduates now yesterday... Ooh! At one dress - a bum half naked, here such here tattoo on an ass, and ahead two shoulder-straps here so from a pubis, such huge hrenovina in a navel and boobs is not less fourth number...
-is silent! On yourself do not show...

*****

Two young lieutenants, mechanics and the navigator, decided to exchange posts on one watch. The navigator costs in an engine room, hrenet from a roar of diesels. Companion lieutenant runs up to it matros:
-! At the right diesel the main persistent bearing is heated! To Add
-turns!
-Companion lieutenant, we will melt the bearing - all we will be brought to justice...
-Well, a horse-radish with you, we will go to the bridge, with the mechanic posovetuyemsya.
podnimayutsya to the running cabin. There characteristic situation, night, weak sparks of illumination of devices. Over the card the mechanic with concentration scratching zatylok.
-Companion lieutenant was inclined, in the car the problem - is heated the main persistent bearing right dizelya.
- And is not sophisticated: the second hour we go by land...

*****

Two young officers argue on difficulties, adversities of service, prospects and advantages of "citizen". The elderly major approaches them. Listened to them and speaks:
-I Will tell you so, children, I already itself would leave long ago army, but I love circus!

*****

Two OMON fighters argue on the steel fortress of nerves and the real man's endurance. One speaks:
-Here you, let us assume, come home after watch, angry and hungry. In shape, with the machine gun and a bludgeon. Also you find the wife with what-to
golym dude in an interesting pose there. And you so quietly speak to them - "Continue", - and itself you go on kitchen and without hurrying you have a snack. Here that such the real nerves of steel and strong vyderzhka.
-Here are not present, - the second objects. - The real strong nerves and endurance, when you tell it to that dude - "Continue", and he, the reptile, CONTINUES.

*****

Two soldiers talked between the military personnel in them chastyakh.
-I heard about relationship that in your part soldiers and officers ochen
demokratichno treat the subordinates, and sergeants and ryadovykh
prosto as thick as thieves, - told one of nikh.
-About that as thick as thieves it is exact, - soglasilsya
vtoroy sobesednik.
- Therefore when they can appear in one bar, to
vyzyvayut usually military police to drag them from each other.

*****

Two tell-tales come back to barracks after dug a trench from a fence till a lunch. One, lost golosom:
-Eh, I oslab.
vtoroy, mechtatelno:
- And I the woman.

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