Anecdotes about the army

Read funny Anecdotes about the army

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very long looked for the ford. Found. Were transported. Approach the village,
vechereet.
s: Introduction No. 5 - the Horse is killed!
O: But house. Here horse!
C: The horse is killed! on itself dotaskay.

*****

Domodedovo, light only gave, at last the customs, after three days of expectation in the dark and cold earned. The customs officer cheerfully asks angry, tired passazhira:
- The Weapon, drugs have?
-would Have, long ago would apply.

*****

Dear mother, in entered the Navy because I liked purity and an order by the ships. But only a week ago I understood who keeps this order and purity.

*****

Expensive radio station, our ensign very much does not love Lyube group, he told that if once again will hear at least one their song, will be shot. Report, for it the song "Batyanya Battalion Commander", the song "Atas", and the control song "Samovolochka".

*****

Dear girls! Welcome to army. The army will make of you real men.

*****

Dear colleagues!
B the New Year's congratulation dispatched on behalf of the CEO of our company the phrase "Happy New Year, zmeyuk!" it is necessary to read without comma"

*****

- Darling, Father Frost! I behaved well all year. Present me, please, the real gun and a handheld transceiver, and that I still go, as the moron, with igrushechnymi.
podpis: Local militia inspector Petrenko.

*****

Dear soldier Vitya! I send you as you asked, the photo. Sorry, chto
tolko to a belt! And belts all of us identical are lower.

*****

The portly sergeant, being presented to the platoon, said:
-Also do not think to play me. I am rather strong, chtoby
otdubasit any of vas.
tut the recruit, portlier failed, than the sergeant,
I zayavil:
-Me do not otdubasit!
serzhant considered it some seconds and then objyavil:
-Consider that from this minute you are transferred to other platoon.

*****

The colonel's daughter on vacation arrived to part to the father. In the evening they went out for a walk on a parade-ground. The sergeant meets them, drops into a ceremonial step, gives chest.
-Who it, the father?
-A- And, sergeant. The lieutenant meets, gives chest.
-Who such, the father?
-A- And, lieutenant. The drunk corporal meets. Looked dim eyes at the colonel and hobbles dalshe.
-Who such, the father?
-A- And, is drunk efreytor.
-so young Au-oh, and already the corporal.

*****

The daughter of the militiaman is considered father's smart mundir:
-by the Father! And why all military have shoulder straps?
-God punished, once it were wings of guardian angels …
-I for what them so?
-began to Fight among themselves, to drink vodka … But you vodka do not drink
-?!.
-U us, werewolves, daughter, other history …

*****

The Jewish soldier chases on the putena on the tank for palestinsikm terroristom.
tot, naturally, shoots back...
vdrug ceased strelyat.
evrey asks: "What ne you shoot? "
" Vi! Macaws, cartridges came to an end! "
evrey: "I can sell..."

*****

The military column by the village goes. Two grandmas on zavalinke:
-sit Look, Semenovna, military!
-Aga... Now will stop, the card will examine half an hour, then will approach and will ask the road...

*****

The ship goes. Ahead at the rate the captain notices a mine. He speaks botsmanu:
-Gather a team and distract, than you can. Now there will be an explosion!
botsman gathered a team on a main deck and speaks:
-Sailors! We are expected by an unforeseen, terrible case. But you do not despond. Want, I will show you focus: the member I will smash the deck! Give
-, the boatswain! - cried matrosy.
botsman gets the man's device, the deck - into smithereens beats it on the deck and here!
plyvut, holding boards, the captain and botsman.
-That you made, the boatswain? the mine passed by!

*****

The column military tekhniki.
na to the suburb of the farm goes to three huts on a country road the officer stops head mashina.
vylezayet from it, gets the card, watches stupidly that in it,
TO around. And because of a fence children's golosok:
-Mothers, and mothers. - Look, the uncle got the card, now again dorogu
sprashivat will be.

*****

The colonel with the driver goes in an official car. The wife of the colonel sits szazd. The driver, passable by the oncoming car, speaks in a whisper ". the car of the general" .
polkovnik tells a vpolobotot to the wife too in a whisper: ". the car of the general" .
Wife the colonel, asks the husband, too in a whisper: "And why in a whisper?" .
polkovnik asks the warrior, too in a whisper: "And why in a whisper?" .
TOT answers with whisper: "Yes beer drank the cold yesterday, here a throat and the village..."

*****

Natasha Rostova and the lieutenant Rzhevsky go by the train. The lieutenant reads gazetu.
Natasha, trying to draw attention of the lieutenant, bares that one leg, to
druguyu, the dress will lower a little. The lieutenant does not react. Here Natasha Zamechayet
na the lieutenant's finger persten.
- The Lieutenant, and what stone in yours perstne.
rzhevsky (having postponed the newspaper): Know
-, Natasha, simply there is no wish.

*****

Go by the train, in one compartment the ensign (P), the soldier (C), the female-35 of years and her 15 summer daughter (D). The tunnel, darkness, silence was suddenly distributed click of a slap in the face. The train left a tunnel, look at each other and dumayut:
zh-Kakaya the daughter at me grows! The soldier stroked its knee it to him vlepila.
d-Kakaya at me mother! The soldier pinched her for a breast - she answered opleukhoy.
p-Soldat someone touches, and to me on a mug beat!
C-B following tunnel I to you once more to an e*n!

*****

Hardly reached to mesta.
s: Introduction No. 3 - the Saw does not work!
O: Here drank, the sonny, normalnaya.
s: Does not work! We will cut with axes

*****

- If in case of war the leaders of the countries have to be at war in the battlefield in the forefront, the horse-radish of whom would manage to force to be untied voynu.
- And it is even better, what only they also were at war...

*****

If at least once these idiots fishermen were removed from the broken-away ice floe not by helicopter pilots and seamen, but snipers, think, more precedents would not be!

*****

If you in 15 minutes were in time wiped %% to at 1000 people and were not tired at all, you mean is a commander of part and just carried out creation of a regiment.

*****

If after plane crashes "black boxes" delivered not v
mezhgosudarstvenny Aviation Committee, and in transfer "That? Where? When?", results would be known in a minute and would be more plausible.

*****

- If I to you put down this offset, you eventually gain the diploma and will become engineers. If I do not put - You will go to army and me will protect. Even I do not know that is worse...

*****

If in the mailbox you found the letter, in heading kotorogo
imeyutsya the words "agenda" and "military registration and enlistment office" - destroy it not otkryvaya.
v it the dangerous virus which can deprive of you the Internet i
kompyyutera for 2 years contains.

*****

If the student does not want to study, means badly the military registration and enlistment office works...

*****

If you consider, what it is time for your eighteen-year-old son to become the real man, can it is not necessary to send at once it to army, perhaps it is worth beginning with the teacher's college hostel?

*****

There is such profession - the Homeland zashchishchat.
tak that if you were not taken the loader - not all is lost.

*****

- The corporal Untershvayn of what you dream this frosty night?
O to full food? About awards?
-O to a rope mechtayu.
-Why it to you?!
-Not for me, for the Fuhrer.

*****

Behind a window got dark. It lay on a back the absolutely naked. Her pale breast in the last beams of an evening dawn was painted in pink color. The raised, slightly halfbent feet, having as if taken offense the friend at the friend, were moved apart and looked in the different parties. The captain Sidorov, having wrapped up a dressing gown, stood in deep thought. To it was over what ppizadumatsya:
kakim in a way to feed a family with this frozen chicken?

*****

– For What wrote off You from the submarine?
-Ya fell down With an open window.

*****

The captain there all runs ryadovoy:
tovarishch enut Taburetku.
zabegayet...
-to Become in a system!!!
ShAG forward all who ebat a stool!
(All stepped, except one)
- The Surname?
-Stool!

*****

- Take away me rather, take away for 100 seas and kiss me everywhere,
18 to me already...
-you listened to the address of patriotically adjusted young men k
prizyvnoy the commissions.

*****

Take away a bear, a fox and a wolf in army. There passes the commission a wolf. Show it avtomat:
-What is it?
-Not znayu.
pokazyvayut kirpich.
- And it kirpich.
-In a construction battalion ego.
nu, too most with a fox. Their bear asks:
-As you so in a construction battalion settled?
-A is elementary, show some hogwash - say that you do not know that it, and show a brick - say that kirpich.
medved comes, show it avtomat:
-What is it?
-I do not know... Here still somewhere the brick has to byt.
-In its investigation!

*****

The American submarine got lost. Emerge near some poberezhya.
kapitan speaks shturmanu:
-Go learn where we are. The navigator comes to the coast and sees the sunbathing girl. It approaches to ney.
-Mem...
-Went nakh@y.
- The Sir! We in Russia.

*****

Two mushroom pickers got lost. Hardly moving feet, there were they to an edge. And there the ensign costs. They it sprashivayut:
-Companion military, we correctly go on station?
-Yes what is correct there? The ankle reels, blow of foot not accurate and in general without cadence...

*****

The ensign got sick, lies in a bed, is depressed. Round it strives Wife:
-Well you want, the hubby? Perhaps soup? It is heavy to
-to Swallow, - groans husband .
-Perhaps squashes thin?
-It, in a throat not prolezet.
- Then, maybe, vodka a glass?
-Here after all you what harmful: all the time from a distance you begin. After all itself perfectly you know that will return me to a system!

*****

The stewardess got sick. The commander of crew offered the acquaintance, not the stewardess, it podmenit.
samolet disperses on a strip, the captain speaks novenkoy:
-Tell to passengers that vzletayem.
ta takes mikrofon:
-Dear passengers, now our plane will blow up...

*****

Four cadets finished the almshouse and got to one part. Well also tell the friend to the friend as have a rest in the summer. One and govopit:
-I have so a rest, was so delayed, so many telok remained there, again there I want. So strongly I want!!!! I will go to the commander, I will ask for holiday!
dpuzya emu:
-Yes you that sdurel, only came and to holiday! Who will release you? Yes I will try
-, be that will be!
poshel to the commander. In five minutes leaves dovolnyy:
-Signed!!!
dpuzya surrounded - tell mol.
-Yes here I come, I speak, in holiday I want, you me in holiday, and I to you ratsukhu (rational idea) will adjust. The commander agreed. Well, I speak, the soldier at you in the yard to a sphere drives, a grass mows. He in one party mows, and in another at him idling. It should bind the second braid, will be in both parties kosit.
komandipu the idea was pleasant, well to the soldier a braid bound, and me - in holiday!!!
TUT all friends to the commander instantly queued. Companion commander comes pepvyy:
-, in holiday hochu.
- And ratsukha is?
-Of course is. There at you the soldier in the yard is rummaged, a grass mows, and then on it is trampled down. It should bind from below a pitchfork, let at once otkidyvayet.
hu the soldier podnapryagli, and the rationalizer - in holiday. The second zakhodit:
-In holiday?
-B otpusk.
-to Ratsukh thought up?
-Thought up. There at you the soldier is rummaged, a grass mows, and then on all field scatters. It should bind the cart, let there skladyvayet.
i it in holiday. Companion commander comes tpetiy:
-, too in holiday I want, but something ratsukhi in the head not lezut.
-Is not present, without ratsukhi it is impossible, go dumay.
vykhodit it to the yard, and there except the soldier, well anything is not present! The soldier raised already to plow, sweat a stream rolls, looks on starleya from-podlobya and govopit:
-Well that you look that you look, a headlight to me on a forehead, a headlight that mowed at night!!!