Jokes about drunks

Read funny Jokes about drunks

<** Previous Topic          Next Topic **>

5  6  7  8  9  10  11  12  13  14  15  16

At two o'clock in the morning a man fumbles all kitchen cabinets, comes sleepy Wife.
- Somewhere vodka here was spryatana.
- So you're her father's funeral vypil.
- That's what I'm looking something Batey is not visible.

*****

The important point !!!
If you have the opportunity to drink, but you do not drink, then later at least every day drink, still drink at one time less.

*****

Bored with your ogromenny zdorovuschy ugly beer belly? You've already tried all means to get rid of it but nothing helps? You are about to leave because of this stomach wife and beloved children take?
Vot and I have the same x @% I. Together, let us drink beer. My address ......

*****

- Wan, come to 100 grams fuck?
- I can not, I have at least three reasons not pit.
Vo First, I gave up. Secondly, I'm driving. And thirdly, I have 200 grams hryapnul ...

*****

Vasily was known as an incorrigible optimist. In all chto
tolko no matter what happens, even the worst, he managed to find to
terpimoe and say:
- Could be huzhe.
Odin of his friends argued that certainly will catch it on something
nibud when does not use this expression. And once on
speaks Vasily:
- You know what happened yesterday? Pavlik drunk when he got home, his wife zastal
svoyu with Nicholas. So he killed both of them set fire to the apartment and killed s
soboy.
- It could be worse - said Vasily - yes, worse. If by
eto happened the day before yesterday, I would be surprised Pavlik with his wife.

*****

- Bob want to drink?
- Neeeeeeeea!
- A drink bush?
- Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees !!!

*****

"John, you shut the door?"
"Yes, closed. On the key, 2 turns, a chain, a mop, ...."
"So, guys, Vasya no longer pouring! We're in a tent!"

*****

- Bob is recorded in our factory choir. We are there to play dominoes, anecdotes tells vypivaem.
- And when you sing?
- And when we go home!

*****

- John, where are you from?
-C-soft karnavala.
Then why on tibya votki bears?
- And there we have come pyanye.

*****

Tumble home pyanyuschy leytenant.
Wife immediately raises skandal.
- Quiet, stupid, awl drag - we hole in uniform kolot.
Wife glad smyagchilas.
Took awl pierced hole, trailers zvezdochku.
- And now - tear the rest!

*****

GDP: Dima understand the situation has changed. I need you to infiltrate the ranks of the opposition. You've got them diskreditirovat.
DAM: But what should I do?
VVP: Nothing. Behave naturally.

*****

Smashed GBDDshnik stops the car and says:
- Why sit together at the wheel ????.
Driver:
- Yes you Th, guys ?! And the cost of this car surround?

*****

To snipe drunk comes to public transportation. Suddenly his "stashnivaet" in the short lady. She indignantly:
- Pig !!!
On indifferently:
- Look at yourself.

*****

News from Kyrgyzstan: a large army of locusts destroyed all stocks of hemp, and then with wild laughter drank Issyk-Kul Lake and went to Turkey for sheepskin coats ...

*****

Evening. The tree stands drunk and looking at the light bulb that shines through listvu.
- Well, Mitchurin gives, did not expect!

*****

Evening, dark alley, away lit lantern. Pyanyuschaya middle-aged woman blowing bubbles in a pool. Passing by intelegentny man in a raincoat, hat with Umbrella:
- My God, woman, you're schenschina, shame on you, let me help you up ... How can behave like a woman ... What could have happened?
Prepodnyavshis one cubit lady responds:
- Hey, intelegent, and I can be the Snow Maiden, and I can be melt ...

*****

Evening thirty-first of December. Spouses are late for a visit. Oni
natykayutsya suddenly in the dark wallow in his vomit drunk peregorodivshego
svoim body pavement. Husband stepping:
- You see - people have fun, and we're always with your dressing -
vse always at the last moment!

*****

Evening. At the Central Telegraph tree stands, and his crown in the wind light, scattering through the foliage svet.
Pyany stopped, stared at the light bulb and says:
- Well, Mitchurin, well, give! Do not expect ...

*****

Party:
- Natasha, you pour it? Wine or vodka?
- Wine.
- Red or white?
- Red.
- Italian or Georgian?
- Italian.
- Dry, semi-sweet or loose?
- Go to fack! Come vodka !!

*****

Wine and Vodka department: two guys with red noses rush to the window, which is about to close. One pushes the hands of all, and the second for him idet.
I that's just the first went to the window, as the window is closed. Then he turns around and takes a swing beats his tovarysha in the face. And the emu
speaks:
- You that he doing.
A:
- And what else to do as well!

*****

Instead of tea early in the morning, drank vodka two stakana.
Vot some scattered street Basseyanoy.

*****

During a visit to Moscow by Gorbachev, Reagan said:
- Here are you struggle with alcoholism started, and drunk in the street in still
polno! Gorbachev, of course, for the power offensively became. Here he meets -
mozhno think you have in your vaunted Washington, they are not present!
- Yes? Well, we will have a return visit, will meet at least one drunk - ya
vam personally permission to shoot him! On the day after Gorbachev's visit v
Ameriku thence newspapers came under major headings: "VChE A TERRORIST NEIZVESTNYY
PLESHIVY shoot ALL PERSONNEL Soviet embassy!"

*****

During the festival Rally "Say Drugs: We still have not finished VODKA!"

*****

Little Johnny's father asks:
- Dad, what it means to 'drunk' ??
- Well, look, see in window 2 tree? If I was drunk right now, it would have seen there are 4 wood. It is clear now?
- Yes Dad, but in fact there 1 tree ...

*****

- Driver, exit the cab! We need to check you at alkogol.
- Wonderful! Who would object? Closest to our restaurant "Southern",
no possible and on a beer ... "Gambrinus".

*****

Vodka - is not only a refreshing drink, but also trouble-free contraception, if you drink large enough quantities.

*****

Vodka has performed an illegal operation ... will be unloaded!

*****

Vodka narod.
No ruins and the people it does not spare.

*****

Vodka - the world's only substance that has the ability to translate the emotional pain in the head

*****

Vodka "Okochurovka." 146% alcohol.

*****

Vodka in rubber bottles from Company "Tolkoneprotkni" will help you keep your nerves and strengthen alcohol dependence. The company's motto "lowering - not ssy!"

*****

Vodka "Tear Putin" - in all product of the country!

*****

- Vodka love?
- No!
- And thou shalt drink?
- Yes !!!

*****

Vodka:
100 - You want to start all over again and the first thing to miss more stopochku.
200 - You just puchit of love for one's neighbor, especially if the neighbor is zhenschina.
300 - You have opened my eyes - all around the brothers and you are looking for - someone for them to gnaw glotku.
400 - Everything - skoty.
500 - Dose - philosophical. The brain is overwhelmed with brilliant ideas, and foul mouth can not translate them into Russian yazyk.
600 - You climb over the world to dizzying heights, which somehow begins toshnit.
700-800 - I do not remember - but eyewitnesses claim that everything is mangled you - so in the family still was Ilya Muromets.
900 - There is a sharp cutting feeling: how is it - a life lived almost - but not built a tree house is not begotten son posadil.
Zahotelos not start all change and stand up - and succeeded only lech.
1000 - Well, another liter of vodka in the world has become smaller.

*****

Military - the same people, and nothing human is alien to them. One of them as drunk:
stroybat - in dosku
moryaki - in rubku
snaypery - in mushku
tankisty - in bron
letchiki - in shtopor
artilleristy - in dulo
efreytory - in lychku
ofitsery - to zvezd
generaly - in stripes.

*****

Vozv.pashchaytes in stelky very drunk man home. Staggering comes to doori, inserts the key into the lock and dropped into this sekyndy off completely. Haytpo wife tries otkpyt door and key snapyzhi does not allow. She knocks in door:
- Man: Who?
- Wife: It's me, your Wife.
- Man: Scram there where wandered all night, not pyschy home!

*****

Returning home at night drunk, goes through the cemetery. Here to meet some strange red spot moves. Drunk asks:
- Who are you?
Spot answered him:
- I - red sepulchral ye% ische!
Alkash wondered what is going on, see - some yellow spot. He asks:
- Who are you?
Spot in response to:
- I - yellow sepulchral ye% ische!
Muzhik general ofigel. Goes further sees - some blue spot. Drunk he says:
- I know! You - blue sepulchral ye% ische!
- citizen's go ...

*****

Returns home after pay husband in a drunken state. On the threshold - wife:
- Oh, wino, Oh, you bastard, where were you?
- Where, where - pay was washing ...
- Where pay?
- Yes I immediately e-uh ... elephant kupil.
- What else elephant?!
husband turns his pockets with both hands and says:
- Here ears, and maybe you, and proboscis show?

*****

- Returns I somehow with corporate party ... And suddenly shouts behind us, "Stop! Stand !!! »
- Well, what are you?
- What is there to stand, and I crawled something with great difficulty ...