Jokes about Rzhevsky

Read funny Jokes about Rzhevsky

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The lieutenant Rzhevsky sprosili:
-you never wanted to become a swan?
- That you, with the naked back in cold water! Is not present, dismiss - page.

*****

To the lieutenant of Rzhevskomu:
-That it all of us about platitudes yes about platitudes. Let's talk o
prirode. For example, about ptitsakh.
Rzhevskiy:
-Yes, by the way, about birdies... At a hippopotamus such big bum and odnogo
peryshka!
Natasha Rostova:
-Rzhev, from now on treat people as you would like that people treated you...
Rzhevskiy:
-It that, Natashenka, me now all х#й to suck?

*****

Poruchchik P boats with Natasha Rostova.
vdrug Poruchchik sprvshivayet:
-Natasha and to you use to be hit on the head an oar?
- Is not present and what?
- Yes so asked. for conversation maintenance...

*****

Poruchchik Rzhevsky asks the tovarishcha:
-Vy have such success in ladies. Tell, how you etogo
dobivayetes?
Everything is very simple. I start talking about something, for example, about weather, and then predstavlyayus.
through some time a poruchchik Rzhevsky approaches the lady, kicks her doggie and speaks:
-Low flies, to see by a rain, may I introduce myself - a poruchchik Rzhevsky.

*****

Sent Rzhev the striker to mail the letter to send. That comes back - rasskazyvayet:
- The Embarrassment such left... I come to mail, I give to the girl the letter, and she speaks: You have a letter WITHOUT DATE. And I did not catch - I answer: Itself 3,14zda YOU!... Then understood - laughed...
rzhevsky on a ball (having got drunk, estessno): Lord's
-! There was such case. I went to mail the letter to send. I come, and there this 3,14zda sits... also speaks to me: You have a letter without address... And I to it: Yes go you on h@y!

*****

After a ball all hussars tell each other in eager rivalry - who, whom, how many times. One Rzhev is silent. Hussars sprashivayut:
-Well, the lieutenant, tell that at you bylo.
-Yes, well, all this went. Let's talk about muzyke.
-you offered, you and nachinayte.
-I somehow Had the countess de-Roial. Priskolzky, I will tell you, the tool.

*****

After a ball. The lieutenant Rzhevsky in an environment of ladies, music calms down, candles burn. Poruchik
Rzhevskiy:
-Recently to me there was one history - I walked somehow in the evening across the Nevsky, suddenly from where undertake the little girl runs up to me and speaks: "The uncle, give five kopeks, all that want can make with me! "
-Gospodaaa, I cried, e. it is scarlet and cried.

*****

After a ball the family sits at a table Growth - the old count, old gafinya, Natasha Rostova's mother i
sama Natasha. Nobody wants to wash the dishes and then the old count offers:
-Let's play silence who the first will tell the word that game and washes!
Bce agreed. Sit are silent. Suddenly to the room the drunk lieutenant of Rzhevskiy:
-Hi Kozlov becomes hollow...
tishina!
- You that, became deaf chtol? K-O-Z-L-Y?
tishina! The lieutenant approaches Natasha and starts it touching for intimate places. All are silent! Then on
kladet Natasha on a table also has her in all positions. All are silent! Then it makes too s
materyyu Natasha and with the old countess. SILENCE!
- Well, goats, I went! - The lieutenant told and went outside from komnaty.
vyydya he remembered that on his horse will strongly fasten a saddle. Rzhev returned in komnatu
i sprosil:
-Hey, you vaseline have goats? This
-A it is not necessary to do!!! - The OLD COUNT TOLD AND went to WASH THE DISHES.

*****

After the next waltz Natasha Rostova - to the lieutenant of Rzhevskomu:
-Something I was tired, the lieutenant, I will go to oknu.
-Well go, Natasha, break and come back.

*****

After visit of restaurant the prince Golitsyn tells Rzhevskomu:
- And how you think, whether it is possible to cross bugs to crickets?
Rzhevskiy:
-Certainly. And it is not even possible, and it is necessary that these reptiles and it was visible at night!

*****

After that case the Lieutenant Rzhevsky restored the reputation decent man.
poruchik tells Natasha Rostova a little trite jokes. That slightly smushchayetsya.
- And now the most interesting. My doctor said that that body, kotoryy
zdorov the person does not feel, but it is faithful not for all organov
(Natasha Rostova all reddened) to
-After all there is still a heart.

*****

A.S. Pushkin ladies went to the wood somehow to walk. Ladies left slightly aside, and Pushkin appeared on a clearing where the fluffy moss grew. He shouts damam:
-Baryshni from there, I thought up a pun! There are in a moss I pokoleno!
vecherom, on a ball this pun extended among all but when it reached the lieutenant Rzhevsky, that already in stuff was drunk. Next day it decided to flash wit among the hussar which was not on a ball and speaks:
-yesterday at Growth heard a marvelous kalamburchik! Gogol on a bough sits and all on h@y sends.

*****

The lieutenant Rzhevsky, Pierre Bezoukhov, Andrey Bolkonsky and, of course,
Natasha of Rostov went somehow time to theater. Sit, watch statement. Here suddenly Bolkonsky tells Natashe:
-Natasha, and you on a back of a chair have some word napisano.
- And what?
bolkonsky zamyalsya:
-Well... The first letter same as in the word "bread", - also nudges Bezukhova.
pyer at once soriyentirovalsya:
- And the second same as in the word "court", - and Rzhevskogo.
poruchik:
- And the third letter same as the last in the word "h%y" pushes!

*****

The poet Alexander Pushkin dreamed to get acquainted with Natasha Rostova, and asked the friend - the lieutenant Rzhevsky - to help it with it. They come to a ball to Growth. Rzhevsky was let, and Pushkin - no. The lieutenant Rzhevsky speaks:
-I now will enter, I will open a window leaf in a toilet, and you through it zalaz.
poruchik entered a mansion, opened a window leaf in a toilet and waiting for Pushkin went to dance. Dances with Natasha Rostova, and here Natasha notices that the lieutenant has a rasstegnuta a fly. It to it namekayet:
- The Lieutenant, at you … otkryto.
-So it I specially made a window! Now my curly-headed friend will get out, he wants to get acquainted with you!

*****

Natasha Rostova resorts to the father, all vzvolnovannaya:
-Father, father somehow, this wretch Rzhevsky promised me to rape publicly!
- Yes - and- And, the lieutenant can... For example, I got on in a stable a mare recently, so this mischievous person made such ugly face - one reins in hands remained with me!

*****

Natasha Rostova to herself on a visit a regiment the hussar invited somehow. The colonel to hussars speaks:
-Misters hussars, the hostess - the lady distinguished, therefore I ask on a visit vulgar not to be put into words and not to utter platitudes!
vecher, sit at a table, the oppressive silence hangs. Natasha tries to razspeaks gostey:
- The Lord, represent what embarrassment! Ordered candles for this evening, Inserted them into a chandelier, in all candlesticks - and one superfluous remained! Where to insert it - I will not apply mind...
TUT the colonel swells up with mesta:
-to be SILENT, BASTARDS!!!!

*****

Invited Rzhev to a party, treated with grapes. He it gorstyami
beret, chews, snivels fly. To it govoryat:
- The Lieutenant as it is not a shame to you! Really you do not know, what grapes kushayut
po to a berry? Leave
-, the Lord. That eat on a berry, is called baklazhany.
poruchik Rzhev in kabake:
-Misters! I offer a small kalamburchik: let's bath a horse v
shampanskom!!!
-of Bravo, bravo, what you... Where we will take
-A so much champagne?
- Yes, is valid, the devil, well then though beer to pour over a cat.

*****

There comes to Moscow a fan of history from the abroad, he is met, humour, answer all him questions:
-Kiev is mother of the cities of Russians!
-A, who father?
- Well, of course, - Moscow!
-A St. Petersburg?
- Is their daughter!
-A Odessa?
- Is their sonny!
-A I here heard, what Rostov - the father?
- Well, unfortunately, the lieutenant Rzhevsky filed a lawsuit and is close to a prize dela
o recognition by his father!

*****

There comes the lieutenant Rzhevsky to N-sk on a ball and is interested at local noblemen how a pier here s
zhenshchinami get acquainted, etc.? otvechayut:
-Tell it something sharp, then something slippery and, at last, the trite - to women eto
nravitsya...
poruchik approaches to pleasant dame:
-Шило-мыло-х&й! By the way, may I introduce myself, lieutenant Rzhevsky.

*****

Arrived somehow to a regiment in which the lieutenant Rzhevsky, the new colonel served. Well, began to meet officers. About all vse
vyyasnil. Asks the aide-de-camp about Rzhevsky. That speaks:
-Rzhevsky is a trouble of our regiment. He is the awful debater, but always wins any dispute. Already and to argue with it to be afraid. On
vsekh soiled officers. Also ruined. Well, the colonel thought, thought and decided to argue with Rzhevsky too. Like, it is necessary to put a gavnyuk into place. Summons him. Rzhevsky comes, clicked heels, costs will not blink. The colonel and speaks:
-Heard I, the lieutenant that you outargued all in polku.
-So precisely!
-A me can?
- Is so exact!
- is good. Give with you we will argue on something on 5 rubley.
- And on what we will argue, Mr. colonel?
-A on what hotite.
-Well, all right. Let's argue that at you, Mr. colonel gemorroy.
-Give. - the colonel speaks, and itself anticipates a victory, hemorrhoids at him, strangely enough, not bylo.
posporili. Broke them. Here the colonel speaks:
-Aha, you lost, I hemorrhoids have no porutchik! Give
-A I will check, - tells Rzhevskiy.
polkovnik lowered trousers. The lieutenant looked and speaks.
-Here something is darkish. And Polkovnik approached a pozhalta to a window-S.
NU a window. The lieutenant attentively examined him and speaks.
-Yes, Mr. colonel, I lost. Hemorrhoids at you net.
na the next day Polkovnik brought together all officers and joyful such, proud such speaks im:
-Yesterday, misters, I argued with the lieutenant Rzhevsky for five rubles and BEAT it!
ofitsery sit having looked down... The aide-de-camp on it on ukho:
-Mr. Polkovnik, I will dare to report... the lieutenant Rzhevsky argued with all officers of a regiment on 200 rubles yesterday that pokazhet
vashu a bum in a window and won - with...

*****

Arrived Rzhev of England and at once went to the mistress. Paces the room thoughtful, under impression of a trip. The mistress asks:
-Well, how there in London?
- That, in London? In London smog.
a the mistress to it on eto:
-Better you could here.

*****

The cornet to a porutchik Rzhev comes and speaks:
-With me by mail there was such case: I give the letter, and to me speak "You have a letter without date", and I to it "Itself пи#да you" .
PRI the first opportunity, on a ball, a porutchik Rzhev, under good degree, speaks:
-Misters, recently by mail happened to me such case: I give the letter, and to me speak "You have a letter without address", and I to it "Yes went you on ?y#".

*****

Natasha comes to a ball with raspukhshey
lilovoy a lip. Pierre Bezoukhov approaches it, kisses the handle and with a note sochustviya
v a voice asks about the reason konfuza.
-We with a porutchik Rzhev boated and suddenly, from nowhere - a wasp!
SELA to me directly on gubu.
-So is a wasp you so stung?!
- Is not present, was not in time, the porutchik killed with its oar.

*****

Natasha Rostova to Rzhev comes in the morning and sees - popychik
zhestoko suffers with a hangover and in general is terribly unfriendly. Natasha,
podumav, decides to set it on a right track istinnyy:
- The Lieutenant, well as it is so possible! Really you in life to chemu
bolshe do not aspire, except alcoholism!!?
rzhevsky (sadly): Know
-, Natali - y me here never was patrimonial pomestya.
Natasha:
-?!?
Rzhevskiy:
-A so the hell wants to spend on drink it!!!!

*****

The lieutenant Rzhevsky comes to officer meeting and speaks:
-Misters! What now the ill-bred youth went!
- Really, lieutenant? And than they so were not pleasant to you?
- Was I in Anna Pavlovny Sherer's salon in the raised mood yesterday, and so it turned out: incidentally I did in a white grand piano - so this ill-bred impudent person and the upstart a cornet approaches and speaks: "The lieutenant as it is not a shame to you! You are drunk!" And I to it: "Yes go you, a cornet, on x...!" And mood, misters, any more not that...

*****

The lieutenant Rzhevsky comes to officer meeting and krichit:
-Misters somehow, I in horror, from me girls start jumping aside!!!
- the Lieutenant and how it occurred?
- I Stay at home, I read the newspaper and suddenly I see in a window - by there passes a beautiful girl! I jump out on a porch to get acquainted, and it with shout from me.!
- of Hm, the lieutenant and how you were dressed?
- of Hm, as usual, home-style: eye-glasses, slippers, condom...

*****

Comes Rzhev to a ball, it is drunk in an umatinushka, Pierre, др#?ите.
- Well approaches Bezukhov and speaks:
-, the lieutenant, here damy.
-I told, др#?ите, it prikaz.
-Well, the lieutenant, I, the right, cannot, not hochu.
poruchik snatches out the revolver and stamps a foot, Pierre, having been frightened, begins др#?ить. At this time the flaw cracks a window, fresh air rushes, the lieutenant slightly sobers and speaks:
-Well, Pierre as it is so possible, ladies here, now prekratite.
-Is not present, the lieutenant, allow.

*****

The lieutenant Rzhevsky and speaks:
-Natasha came on a visit to Natasha Rostova! You today without shorts!
-A as you guessed?!
- On dandruff on slippers...

*****

The critic Belinsky and speaks:
-Hello dear Alexander Sergeyevich came somehow in the winter of the 37th year on a visit to Pushkin!
udivilsya Pushkin also died.

*****

The lieutenant Rzhevsky came to a guest-night somehow. Also pressed down it po
bolshoy needs to descend. It went to look for the bathroom. Went-went,
iskal-looked for - is not present! And he on eyes does not see. Ran in in the first popavshuyusya
komnatu, lowered trousers, sat down in a corner... And as it became easier, glaza
podnyal - and in the center of the room all guests at a table sit,
S cups of tea in hands, and on it the gone nuts eyes smotryat.
poruchik and speaks:
-Well, misters, and found you where to drink tea!

*****

The friend of the lieutenant Rzhevsky exclaimed at it surprise that he looks after the princess L., which is bad itself and is not young. "All this so, - Rzhevsky, - but if you knew how she is grateful answers!"

*****

The friend of the lieutenant Rzhevsky somehow told how in Africa catch ostriches: bare shave the head and bury in sand, a
golovu exhaust. The ostrich thinks that this egg, sits down to hatch out, and it and catch. The lieutenant Rzhevsky decided to flash svoimi
znaniyami on balu:
-Misters! And whether you know how in Africa catch ostriches? Shave bare the head, bury in sand, and eggs expose naruzhu.
straus thinks, what it its eggs, sits down to hatch out, and here it and lovyat.
-But Rzhevsky, and why they the head shave? Rzhevsky (confusedly):
- Savages-with!

*****

The lieutenant Rzhevsky down the street walked somehow, whether and on a meeting pop.
- There will be no Father to spark?
POP gets from a pocket of a match and gives to the lieutenant podkuritsya.
-Batyushka, you smoke??? But same sin! On what the priest otvechayet:
-Zapas does not weigh a pocket, does not ask to eat drink though the priest the conventual not е^ет, but h%y in a pocket carries!
"Interesting kalamburchik! It is necessary to remember" - the lieutenant thought. In the evening of the same day on a ball in the estate Growth the lieutenant speaks:
-Gospoda! Want I will tell you an interesting kalamburchik! But it a little trite therefore I will replace some words with words: "HUO-HUO" or "OXO-XO". Slushayte:
-Zapas the pocket does not weigh, is, does not ask to drink, though the priest the conventual not HUO-HUO, and h%y in OXO-XO pocket!

*****

Walk on park the lieutenant Rzhevsky (R) and a cornet Obolensky (About). Kornet:
-Tell, the lieutenant, you can determine by appearance, the lady takes in a mouth or not?
Rzhevskiy:
-is easy!
- Well here, for example, this, going on a meeting two ladies, take?
-Both!
-A this which is ahead? Excuse
-. So I cannot tell. Minutku.
i Rzhevsky runs away forward. Ran up to the lady, looked at something ahead and returned to Obolenskomu:
-Takes!!

*****

Walk Shurochka Azarova with the lieutenant of Rzhevskim.
-Strange, - speaks Rzhev, - why arbors are called as arbors, a
ne differently?
- Because that in them, as a rule, beseduyut.
-Is not present, Shurochka. In them enutsya, as a rule.

*****

Pierre Bezoukhov woke up in the morning, something in a mouth is not that. Looked - a stone from raspberry,
udivilsya, already winter, and it did not eat some jam long ago. Called the striker more cleverly and ordered to learn,
otkuda it. That was bright small, and found out that: Last night Pierre kissed Natashey
rostovoy, and she sucked off the lieutenant Rzhevsky in the afternoon, and that banged in a zh@pa svoyego
prikazchika that that ate to bank of raspberry jam at night in the morning.

*****

The drunk lieutenant Rzhevsky wakes up since morning... does not understand... something in a mouth is stirred... pokovyryal
mezhdu teeth... also got a stone from raspberry. Vaska, б^я calls slugu:
-... I Listen to
-, your nobleness!
-of Vask, tell me how the stone from raspberry at me in a mouth appeared? After all raspberry jam s
mesyats as ended...
- Your nobleness, you that absolutely remember nothing perhaps? You yesterday on a ball at the column Orlova
byli...
- Well and... So there you Natasha Rostova behind a portiere clamped
- in a corner and kissed it...
-of Ugu... was such... I remember... and what?
-A Natasha Rostova shortly before it at Pierre Bezoukhov in a mouth brala.
-Well and... and at what here Pierre?
- So after all it... Your Nobleness... Monsieur Bezukhov banged the striker in a zh*pa recently, for to
chto that ate all raspberry jam in the house...

*****

The lieutenant Rzhevsky wakes up in the morning, yawns, with pleasure stretches and speaks denshchiku:
- And what, Stepan whether not to strike to me?
stepan, lifting up a shirt and turning zadom:
-you should Marry, the barin …

*****

Rzhevsky wakes up in the morning and finds in rtu
kostochku a nightshade. Calls denshchika:
-Listen, find out, from where I have a nightshade in a mouth, after all I did not eat a nightshade yesterday?
vecherom resorts denshchik:
-Give a five-copeck coin on vodka, all found out. You on a ball kissed yesterday the countess Bolkonskaya? Da's
-! She before it sucked
-A h%y at the lieutenant Tarsky!
- Well and what? It vy%
podryadilsya once the lieutenant Rzhevsky to replace with
-A the sick actor in a performance. Business do
momenta reaches when he on a plot talks to the lady and she asks:
-Graf why you are still not married?
NU, Rzhevsky feels - forgot the text. Looks at the prompter. The prompter whispers that is necessary further delat:
-Slowly rises.
Rzhevskiy:
-Why-why! Rises slowly, that is why!!