Jokes about drunks

Read funny Jokes about drunks

<** Previous Topic          Next Topic **>

6  7  8  9  10  11  12  13  14  15  16  17

Returned from two drunken tavern. One is holding zabor.
Vtoroy creeps close to chetverenkah.
Tot that on his feet, asks:
- Semyonitch, you respect me?
Nizhny raises its head:
- Who? I? Yes, I am proud of thee !!

*****

Returning from hunting two narika no game. One friend says:
- Hey, Bob, something I do not vduplyu: whether the ducks were flying high,
to we tossed the dog a low ...

*****

Returned to the taxi with three spree. Two pick and choose, and the third pull and put up against the wall, and he falls, they put him, and he falls, they put it ...
- What are you doing, monsters? - Says the passer-by, - Well you his third time at the head bet!

*****

Near the tavern was caught three drunken peasant:
- Grandmas whip!
- No problem!
Lezet into his pocket, pulls out the barrel:
- We went!
Legli.
- and swam with me!
Dvigayutsya on his belly, depicting swimming. One of the "floating" ne
vyderzhivaet:
- Well you're wrong!
- Che so?
- Duc who else floats on the pavement?
- mouth shut, and then you will dive !!

*****

Around drunk who fell from the third floor, a crowd zevak.
- What's going on here? - Asked polismen.
- coming up I do not know - said drunk - I myself have just got here.

*****

"Volvo" touches at the crossroads of the jeep. All the stops to fall out of the jeep guys in top form and pothodyat to the driver "Volvo",
-All right, man, you got! Sell ??a car, apartment, with your money!
-Boys, but who are you?
-WE? -udivitelno. -We Sportmeny!
Muzhik dastaёt gun and charging it:
-Well, then at the start! CAUTION

*****

Q: Why is an eagle on the coat of arms of the Russian head look in different storony.
Otvet: They are looking for a third.

*****

Lenin was resurrected and immediately went to the pub to talk with the proletariat. Workers are drinking, do not pay for the leader vnimaniya.Lenin says:
- Are you tovagischi not recognize me?
Odin drunk turns around and yells:
- Vanya, look, ducat alive !!

*****

Here are remembered: In bounce drunk guy goes in, again crowded, and suddenly declares
traleybuse Ofigevshy public:
- Here schaaas dostch..ik..itayu to ... uh ... forty-eight and begin to vomit! Well yasnoe
delo all huddle away from the man, closer to the door myself cherishing the hope
chto stop soon and they will have time to go (not to run out) of the trolleybus, poka
muzhik be considered. But the man suddenly said:
- Six eight ... uh ... - Forty-eight! Way ... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ...

*****

- I look at you and think: "Another drink, or do I already like ..."

*****

Doctor in private clinic suffering from alcoholism says:
- So from now on - not a drop of wine and vodka!
Bolnoy anxiously asks:
- I have something serious?
- No. Just save the money to pay my bill for treatment.

*****

The harsh struggle with alcoholism. Show trial samogonschikom
Sudya: -Podsudimy! You have been detected moonshine Defendant: Yes S .: -
Vy drove moonshine? P .: - No .: C - But you have the same unit was - then drove P .: - Ne
gnal Court retire to deliberate verdict S .: - P. sentenced to 7 years za
samogonovarenie
- Your last word P .: - Please judge me even for rape S .: -? Vy
kogo ever been raped? P .: - but no machine has!

*****

All alcoholics are divided into three categories: hardy, shy, and malopyuschy. Hardy drink until they can not stand. Shy drink until you begin to grasp at the wall. Malopyuschy do not drink much - to all of them a little.

*****

- Everything! More for anything to Sidorov visit will not go. His words still chump treschit.
- And there he told you this?
- Yes taldychil the same thing: "Come for another zhahnem!"

*****

All the unexpected happens "once". All expected - on Monday.

*****

All drinkers are divided into four categories: hardy, positive, shy and malopyuschie.
Vynoslivye - drink, and then they vynosyat.
Polozhitelnye - like drink, you can put, and will lie, with no place sdvinutsya.
Zastenchivye - drink and the walls begin to hold on to.
Malopyuschie - drink and drink, and all of them a little ...

*****

Only 26 liters of beer is enough for an adult to meet the daily requirements of calcium.

*****

Following the millennium came pohmelium ...

*****

Vstpechalis two d.puguyu At another one sppashivaet
- As you saw bluish let home?
- Ppihozhu I'm home. Peped door pazdevayus.Stuchu. Wife opens a door I shvyp clothes into the house. She sees me naked she gets sorry for me and she admits. After that d.puguyu going home gray, he opens a pazdelsya.door shvyp clothes. door for kpyvaetsya "Next stop Pobedy"

*****

Vstpechalis two men. At another one ppiglashaet pobuhat he doma.Zatapilis they went to drink. Drank late into the night. All drank peshili still rolled forward. The owner and govopit:
- slide-ka quietly into the bedroom, where a chair bag worth vney
vodochka.Popolz tovapisch bedroom, ppipolzaet - eyes bulging:
- hear it in your bedroom kakoy- that guy with your wife in postele
lezhit !
- Yes quiet you! Not opi! Well this is his vodka!

*****

Man gets up in the morning with a hangover, my head is splitting. Suited to the mirror peers. Look, look, veins stood out on his forehead, a terrible strain. Here the wife yells from the kitchen:
- Vasya, well, you che, breakfast something going?
Muzhik beats his forehead:
- Similarly, Bob!

*****

Vstёt man with a hangover in the morning, looks in the mirror and says:
- Here I am, and where I ...
Stuk the door ...
- Who's there? ..
- Ya..
Muzhik with surprise:
- Oh !. .and there i ...

*****

Met two. One says:
- wife, the prosecutor - just come home she immediately: "Well, Dykhne!"
- I breathe in this case posilnee.
- What wife?
- usually fall.

*****

Met two men, long videlis.
- Come on, the meeting noted, after all, not so long videlis.
- No, I drink zavyazal.
- Why? !!!!!!
- Well, do you remember last summer?
- And I do not Da.
-

*****

Met three gentlemen, bought a bottle of vodka as usual. The task - to share porovnu.
Odin:
- Guys, I'm a jeweler, let me -'ll pour a jewelry for surestyu.
Razlil - unevenly. Merged again in emkost.
Vtoroy:
- Guys, I'm a pharmacist, let me .
Razlil - again uneven. Merged obratno.
Trety silently takes the bottle and pours steady hand as to vaterpasu.
Te two:
- Man, you whom you work?
- Actually, I plumber, but it is not important. The main guys, this is to remember that in the bottle exactly twenty-one Bulka - seven gurgling in a glass!

*****

There are two distant rodstvennika.
Odin asks another:
- You're not sick? Something very bad is responsible vyglyadish.
Vtoroy:
- Oh! No truth in life! How many can remember, always drank to the health of people, but its lost!

*****

There are two friends. One asks:
- Where are you going this evening in a ceremonial form?
- In the restaurant I go!
- And what kind of event will celebrate?
- Today my wife and I calico svadba.
- Oh, please accept my best wishes!
A where's your wife?
- House. Should also someone to engage in farming.

*****

There are two friends in the yard after another booze. One friend says:
- My wife once in a foreign call began. Name is interesting, but I can not remember mogu.
Tut leaves his wife to the balcony and shouted:
- doggy home!

*****

There are two friends, at the funeral of his alkagolik druga.
Odin says to the other, pointing to the dead man: "You look, and Vasya something better than you and I look." The second replies, "Well, of course - the third day does not drink."

*****

There are two friends. One says to the other:
- Let's take the jar of beer, sit down, talk ...
Vtoroy answers:
- Let's bottle of vodka. Lie down, keep quiet ...

*****

Found in the sea Russian and English ships. Stood to the side board, Russian delegation is sent on a visit to the British. Go to the wardroom. Appears before them steward and offers:
- whiskey, gin, vodka?
- And we'll drink beer too - meet Russian sailors.

*****

There are two muzhika.
- Vas! Would you like vodka?
- You know, I always do not mind. But yesterday I was so drunk, so drunk that today, well, just do not want vodka!
- Maybe you give a cigarette?
- I generally do a lot of smoke, but yesterday smoked so much that today, well, just do not want to smoke!
- A you want, I'll fuck your ass?
- Are you crazy? I do not want, of course ...
- Yes, saturated you yesterday was a day ....

*****

There are two men:
- Drink?
- Nah, yesterday was so drunk, so drunk, now I can look at spirtnoe
ne!
- Oh, well, let's light up ...
- No-t! Yesterday smoked so much, already sick!
- And in the ass you want?
- Are you sdurel ?! No, of course !!!
- Yeah, nasyshenny you yesterday was the day ...

*****

There are two friends:
-let vypem
- I brosil
-why ???
-you remember last summer?
-well, and I'm not da
-

*****

There are two friends. One friend says:
- hear, in my car two ladies. Let's go somewhere otdohnem.
- And how do they look?
- bad woman does not happen, there is little vodki.
- Okay, but just in case I did posmotryu.
Otkryvaet door, greeted with women looking and then closes the door and says:
-'m sorry, but as I do not drink vodka.

*****

There are two friends. One invites another:
- Let's go to the pub vypem.
- second responds:
- No, not mogu.
- why is that?
- For three prichinam.
- What else is there for the reason?
- Well, firstly drinking is harmful to health. Secondly, children do not want a bad example podavat.
- You see, what was found conscious! - Began to wind up buddy - Well, what is the third reason?
- And the third reason - that's what I've picked up decently.

*****

There are two friends. One asks the other:
- Once you're worried look. What are the problems?
- You know, we got drunk yesterday Vasya in one company. Vasek, frankly, overdone. I had to take him home in a taxi and dragged into the apartment. I was able to so quietly put him to bed, that he did not even Masha shevelnulas.
- Well, then, everything turned out?
- As if. But, you know, a strange thing comes out. Today I learned that Bob had left the day before yesterday in Vladivostok.

*****

There are three alcoholics. One says: - Everything I threw drink. My hands are shaking - I can not. Pour a glass and bring to the mouth can not - all spills. The second said: - I also threw. My hands are shaking - no save. Here wanted to get drunk, so the glass itself two teeth knocked out. So it's time to tie. The third said: - If I had such nonsense, I would have continued to drink. - And how do you shake hands? - Why, the other day went to pee, so while writing twice finished.

*****

Included drunk on a bus:
- Brothers! Take a look, spring in the street, the sun excites!
Vse silent. Drunk again:
- Guys! Spring Circle, what joy to people!
Opyat all silent. Drunk:
- Well, if anyone is not here, I otolith.