Jokes about Chapaev

Read funny Jokes about Chapaev

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There pass Petka and Vasily Ivanovich by a zoo. Vasily Ivanovich speaks:
-Petka, let's protein steal?
-Vasily Ivanovich, can it is not necessary?
-Is necessary, Petka, nado.
koroche, stole a squirrel and as to carry by it that did not notice, do not know. Vasily of Petk's Ivanovich:
-, give you it you will thrust into trousers, and pronesem.
petka the squirrel bang to trousers and is sent to an exit. Here Petka starts publishing unnatural zvuki:
-U-u-u-u- At- At …
vasily Ivanovich:
-Suffer Petk, terpi.
petka still gromche:
-U-u-u-u- At- At!
- Suffer Petk, suffer!
NUT Petk as will begin to roar (with rage throwing out a squirrel from trousers): I can suffer
-He more, Vasily Ivanovich!
-Ho why, Petka??? Understand
PETKA:
- When it took my zh@pa for a hollow, I suffered! When it took my eggs for nuts, I too suffered! Ho when it started wearing out "nuts" in "hollow" - I did not bear!!!

*****

Petka read the announcement: "I change odnokomnatnuyu
so all conveniences the apartment for any living space. "
prikhodit to the address, and there Vasily Ivanych:
-Oh, Petka! Come, look kvartiru.
petka looked. Wanted in a toilet. Door in any way not otkryt.
-Vasily Ivanych! Che a door does not open?
-A you, Petka, light include - she and otkroyetsya.
petka turned on the light - the door opened. Fantasy! Came, made everything that wanted. Tries to leave, and not otkryvayetsya.
-Vasily Ivanych how a door to open a door? You wash away
-A for yourself - it and otkroyetsya.
petka washed away - the door opened. Petka simply obaldel.
-Vasily Ivanych, and che you change such apartment? Yes you know
-, Petk, as after all at us: that light is not present, waters …

*****

Petka and Vasily Ivanovich with a parachute jump somehow. Petka asks:
-Vasily Ivanovich, is time to develop a parachute?
-A of a skok of meters to the earth?
-Three tysyachi.
-Well, Petka, early still. Through two minuty:
-Vasily Ivanovich, is time to develop a parachute?
-A of a skok of meters to the earth?
-Tysyacha.
-Well, Petka, early still. Through minutu:
-Vasily Ivanovich, is time to develop a parachute?
-A of a skok of meters to the earth?
-TRI.
-Yes from three meters we and without parachute will jump off!

*****

Torture Petk with Vasily Ivanovich Belogo. And needles to it under nails and on a rack put and td, does not want to break up. Then Petka offers: "Vasily Ivanovich, and let's it give your socks smell?". And Vasily Ivanovich answers: "Yes that we Petka, sadists perhaps?"

*****

Drink Vasily Ivanovich from Petkaya gorkuyu.
vodka ended and there is no place to take more. Petk speaks:
-Vasily Ivanovich, let's try rocket fuel!
poprobovali of anything … Hurts! Nakryakatsya and crept away on domam.
utrom Petka calls Vasily I.:
-Vasily Ivanovich, you went to a toilet?
- Is not present Petk, did not go!
- Then do not go nakhr@n, I from America call you!!!

*****

Vasily Ivanych and Petka drink somehow … Petka asks:
- And from where names of wines undertake? Vasily of Ivanych:
-Well, so as wine turns out: take a big tub with grapes, men climb there and start trampling down … When juice reaches shorts is a port when is a sherry and if is even higher above - that is a muder.

*****

In antiquarian lavke:
-Tell conversation, it at you Chapayev on a horse?
- Is not present, it svinya-kopilka
-Akh-h-hrenet!!! Turn!

*****

Vasily Ivanovich in army zarplatu.
-distributes Means, so. To me 100 rubles, Petke - 100 rubles,
furmanovu - 100 rubles, and all the rest - the fact on litso.
petka stood anxiously and ran to Furmanovu.
-Listen, Furmanov, now Vasily Ivanovich a salary razdaval:
mne, you and themselves on 100 rubles added, and all ostalnym
fakt on the person that it means, rastolkuy.
-Well, understand, Petka, Vasily Ivanovich of people kulturnyy.
on could not tell that all the rest х#й on a snout.

*****

The Vasily Ivanovich (VI) decided to earn additionally. Got a job on zlatonosny mine. through
god comes back - all in chains, mers600, a lot of maids around … Petka (P) estestvenno:
-VI you as so get hold could? You Understand
- (P), here you nadobyvat gold and before leaving mine, a slice in a mouth, a slice a nose, a slice in a bum … And so also sewed …
(P) decided to earn additionally too. Year waits for it (VI), the second - is not present (P. I here sees somehow time (VI) such picture. The huge car with tolstenny lead walls goes, and behind bars is (P). (VI) estestvenno:
-Petenka that happened?
- Yes here VI. I got on uranium mine. A slice in a mouth, a slice in a nose, a slice in a bum … Once p%rnut - so blast wave of half-mine took down. Now on the ground posr@t carry!

*****

Vasily Ivanovich decided to train Anka in the account. Calls to sebe.
-Here, Anka, decided to train in the account you. Tell, how many there will be two plus two?
- Not znayu.
- And three minus one?
- Not znayu.
-Well, so to say, here my member and the member Furmanova if to put, how many will be?
- Petkiny's Half!

*****

Vasily Ivanovich decided to be re-educated. Went according to the permit to Japan. Sits at restaurant, cultural such, any obscene word. And the girl sits at the next little table beautiful, the Japanese. Well, Ivanovich did not stand Vasya-ly, podkhodit:
-Allow to get acquainted. What is your name?
- Me? Sukasima. And you?
-Vasily Ivanovich. Male.

*****

Chapayev decided to become the poet. Wrote a verse and brought in edition. The editor chitayet:
-Costs a statue in beams of a decline,
S huge h%y, in hands lopata.
-it is good, - the editor speaks. - Only this place is necessary a little prikryt.
na other day Vasily Ivanovich brings a verse again. The editor chitayet:
-Costs a statue in beams of a decline,
S covered h%y, in hands lopata.
-it is magnificent - the editor speaks. - Only make this room absolutely uberem.
na the third day Chapayev again brings stikh.
- There is a statue in beams of a decline,
sovsem without h%ya, in hands a shovel!

*****

Solved Chapay, having accepted half-banks,
zadelat to Petk instead of Anki:
-Become, small, on four stones,
dam a glass of "three asterisks" cognac!

*****

Decided to open Vasily Ivanovich from Petkaya a disco. V. I. - the director, Petka - the DJ. Petka goes to V.I.
-Vasily Ivanych how it is necessary to conduct a disco?
- Is not present anything more simply. Here example: you leave to the hall, you speak: "Hi! Guess part of a body from 3-h
bukv in which there are letters H and U!" To you everything is amicable: "Х@#"! And you to them: "Not figs! This EAR with which you now will hear the last hit of Rainbow group (Rainbow)! "
nastayet disco time, leaves Petka and speaks:
-Hi! Call part of a body from three letters in which there are letters H and U! Hall
IZ chorus, disappointedly tak:
-EAR!
PETKA:
-of Nefig! Х@# which I now so обо$ $? forward ranks that the back you will see the RAINBOW,
posledny which hit now and will hear it!

*****

Solved Vasily Ivanovich from Petkaya a monument to put, well built, put and it is necessary rechukhu
tolktut. V. I. was caused, rose on a postument and is inspired chitayet:
stoit statuya
v beams zakata
s huge h%em
v to a pomegranate hand! obaldelo:
-Vasily Ivanovich cover
petka!
V.I. all right, Costs statuya
v beams zakata
s covered h%em
v to a pomegranate hand!
petka: V. I. is not necessary, in general clean!!!
V.I. waves the head in agreement and chitayet:
stoit statuya
v beams zakata
sovsem without H%YA
V to a pomegranate hand!

*****

Decided to immortalize Chapayev's memory in one city. Built the pool on which surface farewell bubbles eternally gurgle in the center.

*****

Decided to become Petka with Vasily Ivanovich Chechens. They ask at lyudey:
-How to become the real Chechens?
KTO told them that for this purpose it is necessary to beat-kill all … They killed a half of the settlement - but Chechens did not become. Then someone told that it is necessary to bang each other in a bottom. They were engaged had anal sex - not Chechens and tut.
chto to do everything? They went to Chechnya, found in the aul a stareyshpina and sprashivayut:
-How to become Chechens?
- See that visokiya the mountain? - asked them starets.
-Well, we see - answered oni.
-Who a vershchina zalezet, that real Chechen - explained to them starik.
polezli they on the mountain, day climbed, two climbed, eventually come nearer to top. Vasily Ivanovich as the old soldier, the first reached top. Costs, rejoices. Petka was absolutely exhausted, hardly creeps and prosit:
-Vasily Ivanovich, give a hand, help zalezt.
- The Russian muzzle Went to a horse-radish, - Vasily Ivanovich answered and pushed away Petka a foot …

*****

Petka and Vasily Ivanovich at whom h%y decided to check more long. Vasily Ivanovich put Petke, at it of a mouth got out h%y and vice versa. Anka Pulemyotchitsa comes and sees at Vasily Ivanovich something sticks out of a mouth and asks:
-you that do???
Bac. Ivanovich (biting off with the member): We smoke
- of the Cigar!!!

*****

Petka, Vasily Ivanych and Anka in a bath decided to be washed. And in a bath between the man's and female room there was a thin wooden partition. And in this partition there was a knot which dropped out for a long time. Well it is fine, there were they mytsya.
[P] - Vasily Ivanych, well it is possible I I will look at Anka? - Watch
[VI] and to me then passkazhesh.
petka looked in dypochku.
at [VI] - Petka! Well that you see there?
[P] - Ankin of an eye!

*****

Decided to descend Petka with Chapayev to the room of laughter. Come and look the room seksa.
-Petka nearby, you go to the room of sex, and I will go to the room smekha.
zakhodit Petka to the room of sex, sees in the middle of the room there is a big globe, and above the globe there is a naked woman and an inscription: "Who to me will get, I will be given that". Petka began to clamber, the sphere turns and Petka flies all the time. In an hour Petka leaves, angry, angry, and Vasily Ivanovich with laughter umirayet.
-Well, Petka, and now give, you go to the room of laughter, and I will go to the room seksa.
zakhodit Petka to the room of laughter. Around it is empty. The hole looks in a wall. Petka in this hole lo and behold, and there Vasily Ivanovich climbs on the globe.

*****

Sit down somehow Petka with Vasily Ivanovich obedat.
vasily Ivanovich and asks:
- And what, Petka, Furmanov is will not be?
-Ya asked, it told that syt.
-Well so let possyt and sits down!

*****

Petka passes examination in geography. It sprashivayut:
-That such desert?
- the Desert is when there is a camel …
-Dalshe.
-A farther, - Petka, - another verblyud.
- And speaks then?
-A then still a camel …
- Well, and in what an essence?
-A, - is pleased Petka, - an essence they directly in sand speaks!

*****

Vasily Ivanovich sits, has a shave. Suddenly the call calls. He opens a door, on the threshold is elegantly dressed devushka.
-St. Petersburg houses?
- of That?
-St. Petersburg houses?
-of Petk, perhaps? No! Tell
- to it that I have a debut tonight. Let comes closer to get acquainted with the idealom.
vecherom drunk Petka comes crawling. Vasily Ivanovich emu:
-Hear, Petka! Yours бл#дь came, told that you п#дор that it tonight #бут and that you came with the blanket!

*****

Vasily Ivanovich sits Petka in a tuxedo and with a bouquet comes to him and speaks:
-Vasily Ivanovich I go to Anka to ask in marriage!
- Yes you that Petka eezh all Kuban еб&%а!
petka fell apart a bouquet threw and ushel.
ha the next day comes Vasily Ivanovich sees sidat all elegant with flowers,
petka and asks:
-Shosh such Vasily Ivanovich?
- Yes here Petka decided to marry Anka!
- As so vyzh spoke to me yesterday that its all Kuban еб&%а!
- Yes you know Petk of villages I yesterday, looked at the card, not such big this Kuban!!!!

*****

Vasyl Ivanych sits, grgyaz from under nails vykovyrivayet.
-Listen, Petka, I will not understand, chchey y me as nails, пластилин
что - whether? Petka takes a slice on tooth, tries and speaks:
-Yes this shit! Vasyl of Ivanych:
-From what I took that y me in an ass plasticine.

*****

Petka in the room sits and suddenly hears some strange sounds in the room. He approaches to the door, looks in a keyhole and sees that in the middle of the room there is Vasily Ivanovich with the lowered trousers, directs the revolver on the man's advantage and krichit:
-to Rise! A revolution name to rise!!!

*****

Petka sits, writes the thesis. Furmanov enters, asks:
-That write?
P: To Disertatsy on a subject "Carrying water in a sieve"
F: Yes you chyo, unless this name? Write: "Transportation of low-viscous liquids in unadapted container" Well chyo, sounds?
P: Cool! And where Vasily Ivanovich?
F: Yes in the yard something pishet.
petka went to the yard to V. I., asks:
-THAT you write, the commander?
V.I.: Yes I write the thesis, "Influence of fur musical instruments on sexual zhizn
svyashchennosluzhiteley", Furmanov podsaid.
p: And earlier as was called?
V.I.: On x. I to the priest accordion ….

*****

Petka sits, something writes. Chapayev podkhodit:
-Petka, what you write?
- Opera pishu.
-He! And I also did not know that you are able! And about whom? Pro Anku.
-
- And about me you can?
-I about you, and about Furmanov. Operas told that I about all wrote …

*****

Petka on rails sits, has a rest. Vasily Che's Ivanovich:
-, the idler approaches it, seated? And well, move, the commander will sit down!

*****

Chapayev in a staff sits, works: draws everyone on the х#йню card. Here to it Petka:
-Vasily Ivanovich, to you the woman asks! Pass
-!
through of 10 minutes … Petka:
-Vasily Ivanovich, to you the woman asks! Pass
-! Yes I it already 3 times passed
-, and she, с#ка, all the same asks!!!

*****

Chapayev sits, sews to himself a red shirt. His Petka asks:
-Vasily Ivanovich, and why to you red shirt?
-A then, Petka, choba if will wound me white, they will not see my blood!
Ha jumped the next morning Chapayev in a red shirt and Petka in yellow trousers!!!

*****

Sit Vasily Ivanovich with Anka at a meeting of Academy of Sciences of the USSR. Suddenly Vasily Ivanovich tolkayet
anku sideways and speaks:
-Anka, you want, I will show Keldysh to you?
ANKA:
-You that, Vasily Ivanovich, to the people is a lot of!
((For those who forgot: Keldysh - one of the former Presidents of Academy of Sciences of the USSR))

*****

Sit Vasily Ivanovich from Petkaya, Petka oret:
-Vasily Ivanovich here, white go!
TUT Vasily Ivanovich was blown up, well, and to run. Petka speaks:
-Vasily Ivanovich, not well turns out, leaves, we recede?
vasily Ivanovich:
- The Fool you, Petka, the earth round - from the back we come!

*****

Sit Vasily Ivanovich from Petkaya on rails, kuryat.
-Vasily Ivanovich, here you such clever, so explain: rails smooth?
- Smooth! Wheel
- round?
- Round!
- Why round wheels on smooth rails knock?
- Fool you, Petka! You know a formula of the area of a circle?
-of Pi Ayr square?
- This square also knock!

*****

Vasily Ivanych and Petka on a glade sit, otdykhayut.
vdrug is audible - white go, it is necessary to hide srochno.
petka into a haystack got, and Chapayev a skin sobachyyu
napyalil (rolled incidentally). White came,
raspolozhilis, drink, have a snack. Vasily of Ivanovich
vokrug runs, potyavkivat. Well, they to it sakhara
dali, Vasily Ivanovich ate, white neigh, gave still -
sjel - neigh, and Petkin a stack already tryasetsya.
kogda the white left, Vasily Ivanovich at Petka asks:
-That it, Petka, these goats neighed all the time?
- Yes a skin you, Vasily Ivanych, back to front put on.

*****

Sit Chapayev, Petka and Kotovsk drink. Chapayev spills. Pours to itself a glass, Kotovsk a glass, and Petke of a half-glass remained. The second bottle is opened, again to Petke of a half-glass got. Kotovsk not vyderzhivayet.
-That it you, Vasily Ivanovich, probably not the first time spill vodka, it would be time already and a hand nabit.
petka:
-In any case a hand, long ago it is time for it to fill a muzzle.

*****

Sit on a tree Vasily Ivanych from Petkaya, and under a tree there is an elephant and shakes it a trunk. Here Petka asks:
-Vasily Ivanych, can at it a nest here?
- Fool you, Petka. They live in holes!

*****

Petka and Vasily of Ivanovich.
prokhodyat by two girls sit on a fence and govoryat:
-Oh, look g@vno with an eagle sit!
petka: - Well, Vasily Ivanovich, I departed!
vasily Ivanovich: - Sidi Petka until by a shovel it is thrown, anywhere you will not depart.

*****

Sit, Vasily Ivanovich from Petkaya means, drink, here Petka and speaks:
-You Vasily Ivanovich do not drink much, to you tomorrow still to cross a floor of the Urals.