Jokes about drunks

Read funny Jokes about drunks

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Two friends are well drunk in search of adventure mistakenly wandered to one home. Wife and mother-in-law open. husband long time staring, friend:
- Fyodor rudders ago, these @ lyadey we have today visited ...

*****

Two friends are sitting in a bar and another one complains:
- Imagine, every time when I drink, I come home as quietly as possible. Botinki
snimayu advance in the entrance stealthily sneaks into the bathroom, take off my clothes there and then tiptoed go into the bedroom. And my vixen right there - waking up at once and began to shout: again, they say, the morning came, and even drunk as a lord! Buddy friendly pats him on the shoulder and says:
- You just have to change tactics! You know how I am doing? Tumble home with a bang, the door opens foot with all his might to thump in bed, pinching his wife's ass and yell in her ear: - Well, how about a blowjob?!
I it, count, have never woke up!

*****

Two heads Snake Gorynycha wake up and say:
- Come on, while the third sleeps, wakes up and says nabuhaemsya.
Tretya:
- Yeah, like plump - so the two of you as well as vomit, so together.

*****

Two girls drinking binge after a good wake up in the morning. Look - in the apartment smoking naked young man. One silently looking at other, she answered:
- You still ask whose it was!

*****

Two women sending their husbands in faraway trip, decide that it is necessary to them to relax and to invite us to think only muzhikov.
- much to a man 14 invite - says pervaya.
- ??
- Well kak.
Na 14 men - 6 and 4 alkagolik impotenta.
- Therefore, it remains 4.
- And suddenly we feel an urge for a second time?

*****

Two drunk friend at a bar:
- Katka, there you see two bl * di sit terrible, we shall be also in 10 let.
- Sveta fool you, it's a mirror!

*****

Two drunks sitting in a puddle and argue:
- We are on the moon!
- No, we are not on the moon!
- We are on the moon!
- No, we are not on the moon!
- And there, look after us came lunahod

*****

Two wine department at:
- Well, let us take two or three?
- Perhaps three ...
- Why? After yesterday took three, so one ostalas.
- Well, then take two. Appeal to the saleswoman:
- Girl, four bottles of vodka and two toffee.

*****

Two friends drinking at the bar. One asks the other:
- You ever happen to go to bed with a very terrible Baba?
- No, I do not remember. But I often woke up near.

*****

Two residents of big cities come to some small village i
zahodyat a local bar. After a while, there comes some kind muzhik
gluboko village with a tape recorder and want to sell it. Odin
gorozhanin says to another:
- You see, a tape recorder, then it very well. My
ego now divorced, he gave us his song otdast.
Oni beckon man and asked how much he wants for magnitofon.
Muzhik:
- 700 rubley.
- Man, sit down with us, 100 g vypem.
Muzhik gladly accepts the offer. After all drank
gorozhane again ask:
- Man, 700 expensive, can you give cheaper?
- Okay, let's 500.
- Still expensive. Let's at 100?
- course!
Posle this guy lowers the price to 300 rubles, then 200, then to 100.
No citizens are not appeased, and bought him another 100 g A man drinks i
speaks:
- Oh, thank you, guys, rescued, and then in the morning hangover is not to chto
bylo, so if it were not for you, I would have to sell the tape.

*****

Two men ready to go out metro.
Odin of them says to the other, pointing to the far-reaching cops:
- Look, look, two blue idut.
- Yes how do you know that they are gay?
- Well, look how many women around the classroom and to us PRIE @ utsya.

*****

Two men arguing after work - how much vodka brat.
- Come 0,5!
- Malo, let alone 0,7!
- Not much? Come 0,5.
- Malo. Better 0,7.
- Resolved, take 0.5. Two pieces.

*****

Two men meet in the morning with a hangover in the shop:
- heard? Valery threw something to drink!
- pinned?
- Yes, no, hang out obituary.

*****

Two come to the third - opens its Wife.
- Go away, alcoholics chertovy
- Yes, we drink, we need the item. Pozovi.
Zovet husband husband, the vyhodit.
- Do you have a vacuum tube? 3 We are 62 you.

*****

Two drunks are slowly moving down the street, one creeps, the other is still holding zabor.
- Do you respect me? - Asks iduschiy.
- I'm proud of you! - Responsible crawling.

*****

Two drunken tumble to the pharmacy. The first asks:
- You have hemorrhoidal suppositories?
- Net.
- A candle? - Interested in the second ...

*****

Two drunks are the third and the nikah is not held. Falls and that's it. Dvoe
drugih scold him - ran like a pig on his feet does not hold. Woman smotrit
na them and says:
- guys, yeah You've put it on the head.

*****

Two drunk walks into a bar, driving under the hand of the third, which berezhno
kladut kover.
- to us, please, two servings of brandy - said one of nih
- And the one on the carpet - mineral water. He is at the wheel.

*****

Two drunken men standing behind the counter. One of them suddenly decreases and falls asleep. The other turns to the bartender and says:
- Good I have a friend, right? He always knows its norm.

*****

Two drunks put to his companion in the car, then the car raced with incredible speed. Terrified passengers begged:
- Monsieur, tell your friend, so he did not go so bystro.
- Hush! If you wake him up, he will go even faster.

*****

Two drunken night on the street rod. One:
- Vas! You see - in front of a Jew is. Let's face it nabem!
- Oh! He is healthy, yet we will stuff!
- And we are for what?!

*****

Two drunks in restorane.
- Wan, you know how many times now?
- Da.
- Thank you ...

*****

Two drunks read the newspaper. One says:
- Drinking juice was terminated zhist ... twice ... Oh! Vas ... Eek! .. How old are you?
- sput-p ... sput-p ... Tryttsat !!
- In-oh! And if I did not drink - it would shizdisyat!

*****

Girl comes to the Pope. Dad drunk, with his hands on the wall, on ele
stoit nogah.
- Dad, help to solve the problem in mathematics - Requests ona.
- Well, now all you'll give up and solve the puzzle.

*****

Girls, help! In my infuse a bottle of vodka!

*****

- Girl, you drink vodka?
- This question or suggestion?
- To begin with - question .
- Then do not pyu.
- And if the offer?
- Then drink.

*****

- Girl! Stop to eat!
- Oh! You take care of my body?
- No! You eats my vodka!

*****

Nine in the morning. Two men buy vodka. To the top of the pack of some sort of stuck with nuts (another moronic share) .
Reaktsiya
Pervy See, here also there are nuts ...
Vtoroy: it to the mercy of the proteins, when he comes ..

*****

The policeman on duty returns home by a railway line. Sees: man sits in the rail and picks. Asks him:
- What are you doing?
- P-Rails p-dil-birayu.
- citizen, you're drunk? Well, Dykhne!
Muzhik breathed. A minute later, a policeman asks man:
- What a-side pp azbirat start?

*****

December 31st. New Year's vanity. Recent toasts and wishes each drugu.
Muzhik in average degree of intoxication with his back pocket a bottle of vodka sent domoy.
Doroga slippery podskalznulsya, upal.
Vo the fall broke butylku.
Pridya home, cursing everything and everyone in the world began to undress and discovered
chto his whole ass razrezana.
Podoydya to the mirror and tilt the letter "G" was to stick a plaster its rugged zad.
Nu how many can stay in this position he chelovek.
Tak half drunk and crashed near zerkala.
Cherez a while back and sees a terrible wife kartinu.
Veschi scattered , circle of blood, and her husband is near the mirror with your pants to his knees trusami.
Ona shook him and asked what was the matter, he said that he had gone home, I bought a loaf of vodka,
polozhil to feed back on the road slipped and broke a bottle because of what porezalsya.
Wife: - Well this is something understandable, but why are you in the mirror patch nalepil?

*****

It was in the late 80's, vodka with only 14 hours and at a breakneck place. My friend worked as a salesman in kvass kiosk opposite the shop. Says the picture. Imagine porch Soviet shop late 80s - repair has not been since 1913, steps all fractured, and even early spring - ice. Leaves the shop peasant from those of three in each hand is treasured by the bottle, his face shining (still, so much to defend, to storm the counter, etc.). And then he goes down the ladder, he stumbles and begins to fall, and facing forward. A normal person in such cases instinctively puts his hands before him. But in each hand a bottle. So the man manages to have both hands behind his back and with all the dope hryas muzzle on the asphalt. Stands up, his face in blood, looking at the bottle - they both whole - and face rasplyvetsya pleased smile. Then we go to the new term (instead of the instinct of self-preservation) - vodkosohraneniya instinct.

*****

Money is an urgent need to drink, because they simply will not then.

*****

Children playing in the yard. From the window of the voice:
- Misha quickly domoy.
- Well Mom, can be a little bit more?
- Well, even a little bit and go home.

*****

Director santehnika.
- Why is drinking on the job?
- Yes I do not drink. Very sore tooth. Pour her a sip in your mouth - and releases:
- Well swallow what for?
- Do not swallow me, the body, to see, such as hold in the mouth, and it is all absorbed.

*****

For ylychsheniya pischevapeniya I drink beer DURING otsytstvii appetita
ya drink white wine, DURING low pressure - lupus, DURING increased -
konyak, DURING angina - vodky.
- A vody?
- This disease y I have not had ...

*****

- To improve digestion, I drink beer, in the absence of appetite, I drink white wine at low pressure - red, with increased - brandy, angina - vodku.
- A water?
- This disease I have not been.

*****

Diary of an American businessman, who came to Russia:
Den first. All day drinking with Russian businessmen. Almost sdohli.
Den second. Freshen the nip. I wish I was dead yesterday.

*****

Until the year 2000 was a week. And now sit three Kent
pyut beer and argue that all of a sudden really nastupit
konets light, and how to this week prozhit.
Pervy:
- I would like to zabuhal on-black, all the fun to die!
Vtoroy:
- And I would walk right and left! All the grandmas would have pulled the women!
Trety:
- I used a week left to his mother!
- ???????????
- week seemed like an eternity b !!!

*****

Good afternoon, Mikhail Mikhailovich?
-Da.
-Disturb from Toyota!
-Da.
your typewriter-come, cann't take ....
-What car?
-Toyota-Prado
What Toyota Prado?
-silver color , you do it for 70% advance payment made !!!
Klient prekryvaya tube arm in the direction of:
-Kolyan we grandmother not drunk, we took the car.