Jokes about women

Read funny Jokes about women

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Eight evenings. The husband calls domoy:
-Hi, expensive! How are you doing?
-Where you? You told, after three are at home? You Understand
-, with two at me already was, it was necessary to persuade one more.

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- Here to you and forgot ten rubles which I took from you in dolg.
- And I! - she told - What you honest! "She forgot
! - he thought - What I am a fool!"

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- Here its photo... And is not present, someone beer poured it...

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The doctor of a health service told storoyny studentke:
-to Mrs., I need to find out that with you, and for this purpose I have to examine carefully you therefore, please, completely razdevaytes.
ona reddened and otvetila:
-About Kay, the doctor, but at first undress you.

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It is unlikely I am the first woman with whom you kissed, darling. Slishkom
umelo you it delayesh.
-is possible. But you from where it know?!

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All wives share on three kategorii:
1. Krasivye
2. Vernye
3. Beautiful and true, but inflatable!

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All women it is possible to divide into two kategorii:
1) Horror what silly woman!
2) Charm what foolish!

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Two met podrugi.
-As you grew thin - exclaims odna.
-to me the husband changes - another answers. - I so stradayu.
-So divorce from it!
-I cannot, I need to dump three more kilograms.

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Two meet devushki:
-Well how are you? Problems is?
-U me?! Yes full ass!
-Well... and except problems with a figure?

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Two girlfriends meet: - Interestingly, than there our Verka now is engaged? - Nurses the Vaska! - How it?! - Works as the stripper!

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Two girlfriends meet, one and speaks:
-You know, I for chervonets learned yesterday from the fortuneteller that my husband to me izmenyaet.
-Ha! I and free of charge told it to you.

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Two girlfriends meet. One another speaks: - the Kind member... Oh, is not present - thick day... Well, yesterday such was!

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Two girlfriends meet. One another complains: the husband, a dog such, does not ebt absolutely. Only every evening, without having managed to cross a threshold, shouts: - LET'S GUZZLE. Another in reply: - And you to the sex shop descend, buy like a lash, shorts, a mask and meet it from work in such look... Meet next day, the second asks: well as? The first answers with insult: - As as, the door opens, looked and as will shout: ZORRO, LET'S GUZZLE.

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Two girlfriends meet. One another zhaluyetsya:
odna from them with a carriage. other:
-To what your child is similar to your husband! Do not tell
-I. Itself I am surprised.

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Two girlfriends meet. One modestly dressed another it is smart. Modest also asks: "How you manage to put on so?" That answers: "Yes here the lover at me rich moreover and the visionary excellent! If in front of me has - calls it "in a mink" - and gives a mink fur coat! If behind - that "in a hollow" - also gives squirrel, and that happens on a ladder at a handrail will put - then beaver :)" "You are lucky!" - the modest - And tells me, and that subtracts then mine unless will sometimes indulge with oral sex from a salary for food!"

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Two girlfriends meet: - Well, how family life? - My husband fine began to help the last two weeks: looks after children, cooks food, goes shopping, cleans the apartment, erases... - Darling as you achieved it? - You see he read in the magazine article that. If the hostess not really is tired, she actively behaves in sexual life. - Well and how, it helped? - Frankly speaking, I do not know. By the end of day it hardly reaches a bed.

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Two meet podrugi:
-I you heard married?
-Yes.
-Well and how? You love the husband?
-Of course! I in general love men...

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Two meet podrugi:
-You why such sad? Yes here, the lover had
-yesterday. Such man astounding: gentle, tender, attentive. Spent with it three hours and they flew by, as one moment. Home arrived as on wings, all updated some, unearthly.... I arrived home, and the husband, drunk, dirty, rough cattle took and peree*at me on the.

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Two girlfriends meet. - You that such anxious? - Oh, do not ask! Today guests will appear suddenly in the evening! And I have no entertainment program. Well we will fight with Vaska, well I will show an ass... And than still to occupy guests - I will not apply mind!

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Two girlfriends meet in the village. One hvastayetsya:
-Manka, and my Vasya went shooting yesterday and a wild goose brought!
-Is lucky you, Nyushka! My Vaska for days on end on a sofa sleeps sluggishly and immoderately, mice not lovit.
-Yes drown you it on figs, Man!
-of Whom?!
-Yes the cat!
-Yes I about the husband!

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Two men meet, drugomu:
-Estimate one, the wife at me: I lie on a sofa, I watch TV, birdies around sing,
solnyshko heats, leaves are dismissed. And the wife washing goes around and pilit:
"Take out a fir-tree! Take out a fir-tree!".

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Two meet priyatelya:
-Why you ceased to meet Tatyana?
-Because at a kiss felt taste tabaka.
-So she does not smoke!
-Here and I about the same.

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Two meet priyatelya.
- And the truth say, what your girlfriend Katya threw you?
-Truth... You would tell
-A to it that your father - the millionaire, and that he costs one foot in mogile.
-I and told... And now Katya - my mother!

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Two meet priyatelya.
-Listen how you manage to live here already so many years so in peace and friendship with the wife?
-Is very simple: in the mornings it does everything that she wants, and in the evening I do everything that she wants...

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Yesterday at me the wife got sick, and today there arrived her mother to look after for ney.
-Yes, misfortunes never come alone.

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Yesterday to the 98-year-old Russian philosopher A. Sidorov awarded the Nobel Prize for 50-volume work: "What is necessary for the woman?".

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- You, men, never know that we want, the woman!
-A if you, women, always know that wanted by us, men why do not do?

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- What it you, the neigbour, so look at our linen? Unless you never hang out the? - I hang out, of course, but I before it erase it …

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- You often swear at the wife?
-Is not present, only when we happen together.

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- Where your husband?
-It the assembler went to business trip for six months yesterday...
- Therefore you such sad... Farewell brings real bol.
-Still what pain! I cannot cross the legs today!!!

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The gynecologist asks the young pregnant woman zhenshchinu:
-What Rhesus factor at your husband? krasneet:
-I do not know
ONA. Probably, centimeters 15.

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The main task of chemistry, according to women, - to cause reaction of men.

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- Speak that girls love ears...
-That? Ears I tell
-lyubyat.
-That?
-of Idi home the frigid!

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Long live the fighter for release of women in kitchen - Klara Tsepter!

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The lady tells to the girlfriend, what for the fourth time leaves zahusband .
-Again? - that is surprised. - You as tree: every year new ring...

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The lady reports priyatelnitse:
-to grow thin, the doctor prescribed me daily riding progulku.
-Well and how, already there are results?
-Oh, yes! The horse already grew thin.

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The lady wants to have room in provincial hotel for three days. - And when at you give food? - A breakfast from seven to eleven, a lunch since midday till three o'clock and a lunch from seven to nine o'clock evenings. - I still have so not enough time for survey of the city!

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Two men share impressions about their family zhizni.
pervyy:
"Listen, every time when I come back home late from the mistress,
Ya I am stolen as a cat, I try not to jingle the keys and I do everything that ne
razbudit the wife, and she all the same wakes up and rows till the morning. Obviously you something do "
VTOROY:
" not so! I come home to a board drunk, I turn on the light and the music everywhere, I push the wife sideways and I shout it at an ear: "Kaaatyush, let's play Bill and Monica!", also you represent, she sleeps like a log."

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Two blondes came to a zoo. One of blondes something was late at a cage with obezyanami.
-That you stopped here? - Asks it podruga.
-I Want to see how any monkey will turn in man.
- The Silly woman! For this purpose it is necessary to stand the whole year here!