Jokes about life

Read funny Jokes about life

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- Again you with a cigarette, Vovochka! - the grandmother becomes angry. - And after all skolko
raz spoke to you: "Smoking reduces life! "
-da? And how our grandfather? Smokes, and to 70 dozhil.
-Just about! Would not smoke, already 80-tbylo.

*****

Vovochka comes to mother and speaks:
-Mother, I want marries Borya from next podjezda
mama:
-On Borya is impossible!
-But mother, I love ego
-On Borya it is impossible, you will dishonor us with the father on a life coffin!!
-But mother, why?
-But after all Borya Jew!!!

*****

When Vovochka was asked, whether he can call five samykh
schastlivykh years in the life, he otvetil:
-Of course, it when I studied in the first grade.

*****

The teacher asks in klasse:
-Than life before revolution differs from that, what now?
Vovochka:
-Before revolution spoke: "Pshel of wons!" And now speak: "Prikhodite
zavtra!"

*****

Ha examination in a matan professional. asks studentku:
-Give definition of the dispersing pyada.
-Nuu... it when each subsequent member is more ppedydushchego.
ppep (thoughtfully):
-Is all your maiden dreams... life is much more various.

*****

The real woman in the life has to make three things: to destroy the house, to cut a tree and to give birth to the daughter!!!

*****

He was lucky the grandfather on roosters as will buy so all some sickly, in any way hens do not trample down. It gathered once again and comes with one I think surely to take proizDriverya.
khodil, went the handsome cost a breast a wheel everywhere feathers are poured does not know as to choose. When the man of a rooster sees sells thin obshchipanny with a numb eye. And that speaks for a rooster and ebar speaks improbable all hens peretrakhat and already of the wife took notice, so I him out of harm's way - on bazar.
ded with happiness began to shake all and bought a petka. Brought home and in a hen house. Honestly in a day the rooster completely executed the mission and still the neighbour's took, and the grandfather had one more the Dutch handsome who and speaks to a petka here will see such life will not bring you to good will kick the bucket sometime. Honestly next day sees a petk lezhit
na a musornik with the kicked bucket and an osteklyanevshy look glyadit.
golandets emu:
-Well up that I spoke?
A petka:
-if you to me a bough a crow will frighten away Tsss, I will bang you!

*****

- And the truth, what minute of laughter prolongs life for 5 minutes?
-Well, it watching at whom you laugh. Can reduce...

*****

- And what such sex?
-Sex is a favourite hobby of everyone normal man.
-All life collected stamps and did not know that it is sex!

*****

And what such sex?
-Sex this favourite hobby of everyone normal man.
-All life collected stamps and did not know that it is sex.

*****

-Abram, how are you doing?
-Plokho.
-???????
-my wife sleeps with the lord of Lesterom.
-Yes, plokho.
-However, I sleep with the wife lorda.
-So it well!
-is good?!? At me from it already two children!

*****

Abram comes home late and speaks zhene:
-Sara, I cannot sleep, I cannot eat, I cannot live, I was U
IZI today, I cannot live, at Izi a gold toilet bowl!
I tells so to it all noch.
hautro Sara does not maintain and goes to Iza. The door is opened by the wife of IZI.
-Forgive, but my husband told me, what at you absolutely gold toilet bowl,
ON cannot live, I too cannot live, our children cannot live for a long time,
zhit in this country in general is impossible, you have a gold toilet bowl or what vy
tut I am spoken, it is possible I I will have a look at it?
Wife of Izi is wrapped and shouts deep into kvartiry:
-Izya, go rather here, it the wife of that idiot, which to you yesterday
nadelal to a saxophone came!

*****

Allergolog.
samy pro-active doctor. He is absolutely sure (and it should be noted, it has on that bases) that all inhabitants of this planet are his patients. Therefore the main goal in life of the allergist is to find at you an allergy, so far you did not run away from him.

*****

The elk runs on the wood. Sees - the wolf sits and is pricked. It to nemu:
-Volk, tie to be pricked, let's a healthy lifestyle lead as I. Ran with mnoy.
nu the wolf thought and ran with an elk. They run together, see a hare cocaine smells. Run up to nemu:
-Zayats, tie to smell cocaine, give as we a healthy lifestyle vesti.
nu the hare thought and ran with them. Three of them run, see a fox the jamb fills. They to ney:
-Lisa, tie a nonsense to smoke, give as we, vesti.
nu the fox looked at a healthy lifestyle so at them and говорит:
- Yes you went to an ass. The elk as since morning in will throw wheels, so behind him then all wood runs!

*****

The blonde - bryunetke:
-As with private life? Do not ask
-. It begins on P and comes to an end on Ts.
-U you there was a prince?

*****

The rich bachelor bequeathed the state to several women,
kotorye rejected its offer on a marriage in due time. V
EGO the will it was told: "I am obliged to them by the world and happiness,
kotorym enjoyed all life..."

*****

Bog... Rain... Generally bad weather. The hippopotamus floats on the center, and at it on a muzzle the toad with a sour ugly face sits. By floats karokadil (Gena) and sees such business you ask at lyagushki:
-that such grusnaya???
-yes here Genchik, so nasty life, weather bad and still something heavy to an ass stuck …

*****

Marriage announcement: "I look for the partner in life for the mother-in-law. It: noisy, harmful,
naglaya. It: mean, ruthless. Call Ph. 333333 Sidorov I.I.".

*****

In what similarity and a difference between blondes and drainage pumps?
skhodstvo - on life both that and others are occupied otsosom
raznitsa - pumps cannot pull bespereryvno 24 hours, overheat

*****

Fight for life of the patient was won by doctors. Life receded.

*****

In a military registration and enlistment office the young man declares that cannot serve because he is a pacifist. The commission gathers, discusses current situation. Then the office leaves to the recruit the military commissar and speaks:
-We conferred here and solved - one gay in army more, one less. It is called!!!

*****

In the state muddy the gentleman sits, smokes a cigar, reads evening tays. The wife's lover enters, greeted and rises upward, in a bedroom. Through a nekotor vermya comes back. Also speaks hozyainu:
-That that your wife today especially holodna.
dzhentelmen without coming off from gazety:
- They and during lifetime did not differ in temperament.

*****

The man comes into very expensive restaurant, sits down at a little table, the waiter approaches it. The man tells emu:
-a vodka Bottle, a pile it is not necessary, I from a throat! Forgive to
-, but you have, probably, some holiday? Da's
-!
-A can be learned, what?
-U me for the first time was today a cocksucking! So it is, maybe, better for
-to bring champagne?
-Is not present, champagne not to wash away this taste.

*****

In the Jewish family the boy with not accrete in an eye golka vekom.
vrach was born speaks to the father rebenka:
-you all the same will do an orbrazeniye. So let's make now, and a thin skin we will set veko.
-So I not against, - the father answered. - But...
-That but? But whether he will lousy watch
- At life?

*****

In life, as in anekdote.
idet a drawing lesson in the 3rd class. The lesson is led by the art teacher, I sit on posledney
parte, I check tetradi.
u: - Children, today we will draw a vegetable pattern for carnival shapki.
pridumayte, what plant we will choose for an ornament?
Ya all strained there on a back school desk...
1st-y pupil:-Labrador tea marsh!
U: (obviously, representing as it can look) % - (no, children, pridumayte
drugoye a plant...
2nd-y pupil: - the Ivy cemeterial!
U: % - (No, think up the еще.
3rd-y pupil: HORSE-RADISH TABLE!!!!!!!

*****

In life of each man there are moments when the size does not matter.

*****

In life of each woman there are three perioda:
v the first it irritates the father, in the second - to the husband, and v
tretyem - to the son-in-law.

*****

- In life of each woman there are three active periods. - What? - The first when it irritates the father, the second - to the husband, and the third - to the son-in-law.

*****

In life of the man there are three perioda.
pervy when he thinks that all women raznye.
vtoroy when understands that all women odinakovye.
i the third when he knows that all women identical, but come across the different.

*****

In the shelter on the ranch 3 bulls heard that the owner wants to buy one more bull. "Old residents" got agitated. The first speaks: "I lived here 5 years and I by right possess 100 cows, all of you agree with it, and I will not concede to the beginner of any of them that it costed me." The second speaks: "I here and me by right belong 3 years 50 cows, and anybody does not argue with it, I for anything will not share any of them." The third, the young, speaks: "I live only 1 year here, but 10 cows mine for a long time, and I am ready to fight for any of them to a clear victory. "Bulls see
vdrug as the shelter is approached by the truck, and from there hardly unload such huge bull whom "old residents" did not see yet. Under each its step of a spring of the truck cave in almost to a break. The first bull speaks:
" Generally is also not necessary to me so many cows, I do not even manage to approach some of them". The second speaks:" Always it is possible to share with the companion that you have especially as at us there is a lot of cows." The third bull suddenly began to hoof the earth and to bend the head, showing horns. Friends speak to it: "Think that is more expensive to you - cows or life." "I also do not think to fight, - the young bull answers, - I simply want that he understood at once that I am a bull."

*****

In a zoo before a cage with leopards the lady in a fur coat from spotty fur stopped. The leopard whispers to the podruge:
-I Hope, now you believe in afterlife?

*****

In the Columed hall of the House of the Unions there is an evening devoted to Maxim Gorky's anniversary. It is a lot of acting, all suggest to call the cities, collective farms, areas a name of Gorky. Comes to a tribune of people from the remote place and speaks: - But whether not to call to us all our life of the most bitter?

*****

At medical institute there is a lecture. Professor speaks:
-Before calling to you a subject of today's lecture, I to you rasskazhu
sluchay from own life. When I was a student, it was pleasant to me odna
devushka. It was pleasant and to one more student. Girl otdala
predpochteniye to that student. I was left high and dry, and that young man - nose
bez. Now I to you will declare a subject of today's lecture: "Syphilis and ego
posledstviya".

*****

- At what moment you understand, your life is how lousy? When the nymphomaniac tells
-to you:" Let's be just friends..."

*****

In one of schools invented a time machine and sent Sasha excellent student, a
seregu-major and Vovochku-narkomana respectively in 150000 year BC,
1545 AD and 1937 god.
through some time they come back year also the rasskazyvayut.
sasha-excellent student: - I got means in primitive school, children there tupye:
nikhrena do not know and are able nothing. And here I decided to be sketched i
posovetoval a hole for a mammoth to dig. But at this time there passed pyanyy
vozhd with the elders, well and all of them in this hole were filled up. Koroche
poluchil I пи@#ы according to the full program. Hardly feet unes.
serega-major: - And I here got to church school. All sit takiye
skuchnye. And I tell them about our life, I show a mobilka and vklyuchayu
diktofon. They as will shout: - It chrevoveshchat!!! Accused me v
satanizme well and gave such zvezdyuly that I do not know as well as back the dobralsya.
vova-addict: - And me it was cool, but. a little boringly!
Bce: - That it suddenly?
VOVA-addict: - Yes I when smoked a jamb, began "Change!" to shout, nu
vot all class was shot!!!

*****

In one of the inhabited yards the sewerage - a typical picture in our life broke through. Called the plumber. It came with the student-praktikantom.
podoshli to the hatch, and he - is stout brown and smelly. The plumber took off a jacket and bulty in swill. There passed minute, comes up: "The student, a key on ten!" That to it furnishes the clue and the plumber again dives. In five minutes comes up: "The key on five" and again dives with a key. Derez gets out two minutes, rubs off from a face go. but also speaks to the probationer: "Here so, student. Study, and all life keys you will give that!!!"

*****

In one compartment go the old man with the old woman and the young man and the woman who was pleasant each other at first sight. - To me badly, - lifelessly rejecting the head, the woman speaks. - Sorry, - the young fellow traveler speaks, I am a doctor, now I will help. The old man with the old woman delicately leave a compartment. After a while to them there is a doctor. - The young man, - the old man when the old woman went to a compartment speaks to him, - be clasped, please, and a syringe will lose that.

*****

At school at a lesson of preparation for family life the teacher sprosila:
-Mollie with what you will begin if y you appear twins?
-First of all I will marry, Ms. Jones.

*****

At school the teacher speaks detyam.
-Mashenka, write on a board the offer with the word "girl" and with the word "wood" .
mashenka leaves and writes: "The girl came out of the wood".
-is good, Mashenka, sit down. Vovochka, leave to a board and make of this offer otritsatelnoye.
Vovochka leaves and writes: "NOT the girl came out of the wood".
-of Vovochk, it wrong and it is necessary to correct!
-Mar Ivanna, it you will not correct is for the rest of life any more.