Jokes about Chapaev

Read funny Jokes about Chapaev

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Still night. In the yard the tachanka, under it sleeps Petka.
vdrug noise, din, the door, vyskakivayet
vasily by Ivanovic and krichit:
-Petka is opened! Saddle a horse! Drive to the paramedic! Furmanov
shtopor swallowed!
petka swells up, brings quickly a horse, jumps in a saddle,
tut from a log hut again runs out Vasiliy
ivanovich:
-All right, Petka, lay down back - we spare found …

*****

It was difficult for Anka to argue with Chapayev, after all a clitoris you will not shut a mouth.

*****

You that are Anka, to the divisional commander do not salute? I already gave
-A to Petka!

*****

At Vasily Ivanovich a wedding he invites Petka, and Petka to it speaks:
-I will come but if that I do not so you me in a barrel with cucumbers put!
- is good Petka.
svadba. For the morning Petka wakes up in a flank with cucumbers, Vasyl Ivanych what occurred approaches to Vasyl Ivanychu and asks:
-, I remember nothing?
- You Understand Petk when you touched my bride embraced, I pretended that I do not see when you on x @@ sent my relatives, I pretended that I do not hear but when you put my mother-in-law on a poddokonnik, thrust it sausage in a mouth, and in a bum the broom and told: "Let this stork will bring to you happiness" I did not sustain.

*****

At Vasily Ivanovich sprashivayut:
- And that you Petka with Anka shot it?
- Yes here, scoffed over me, a red kom@ndarm. I sit, I drink tea. Petka comes, asks: "You want a wafer to tea?". I speak: I want. And it to me х@## thrust into a mouth. Well I it and zastrelil.
- And, correctly, nothing over kom@ndarmy to scoff. And Anka for what?
- So comes, and asks: "You want a steering-wheel to tea?". What to me was, to wait so far she to me п#$#$ will put on ears?

*****

Petka and V. I. had a binge, and for snack of money was not enough. Petka has an idea - to collect harch that behind a window in hostels hang out. And made. Petka
na to a ladder, and Vasily Ivanovich below holds. Only P. got - the cop appeared. What, da
kak and why? V. I. speaks:
-Ded Morozy a pier, gifts razveshivayem.
-you that deer, about New Year still almost mesyats.
v.
- And I about the same, Petk remove everything nakhren!!!

*****

At Chapayev on a bottom jumped the gemmory. To it the grandma advised to sit down this place in a basin with smetanoy.
chapayev and made Anka ran by and saw it in such look. And then tells Petke:
-As Chapayev finishes I saw but as it refuels!!!!!!!

*****

Run away Vasily Ivanych from Petkaya from the white. Run in a log hut. Petka - under a bed, Vasily Ivanych - behind it. Here run in white and see Vasily Ivanycha, which all under a bed yet. Vasily Ivanych oret:
-it is dishonest! I did not hide yet!

*****

Run away Petka with Vasily Ivanovich from white by the boat. Suddenly at Vasily Ivanovich Petka breaks veslo.
-, row with one!
petka rows, suddenly and at it Petka breaks veslo.
-, we row hu … mi!
grebut. Vasily Ivanovich:
-Water cold!!!
PETKA:
-I bottom stony.

*****

Chapayev and Petka from white run away, see the house witness mark. Enter it, and out of the grandma pryadyot.
- The Grandma hide us! - asks Petka
-Yes where I you will hide it? Weight house at your disposal! - is surprised babka
-Well we will run where to hide!
chapayev got for an oven, and Petk into an oven, only the bum sticks out. Come belye.
-Hey, the grandma, here the red did not run?
- Is not present, the sonny, not probegali.
- And if we look?
- Well, look for. Only where you will hide here?
belye searched all house. Anybody is not present. See, the bum sticks out of the furnace and sprashivayut:
-Hey, the grandma, what it at you sticks out of the furnace?
-A, it, milek, a moneybox …
stali white to suvat money in "moneybox", and Petka did not vyzherzhat and p%rnul.
- And, it that?
-A, ETO, MILEK, SDACHA!

*****

Getting away from white, Vasily Ivanovich and Petka decided to mask under a cow. Allocate a skin, Petk in front, with V. I. - behind. White found this cow and let's it feed with any shit - well hay there,
tpavoy … Petka groans, is spat, but eats. Know V. I. rejoices that behind rose. Fed white a cow, and here Petk and govopit:
-Everything, п@#$%ц, Vasilyivanych, white conduct a bull!

*****

VI with P get away from Germans. Ahead water-melon and corn field. P in the corn hid, and VI v
arbuznom. Germans P found and began to torture - to push corn in a bum. And he that laughs, cries. Ego
sprashivayut behavior reason. And it and otvechayet:
-I since to me it is sick Pay, and I laugh since water-melons in ж#пу will push
predstavlyayu as VI.

*****

Vasily Ivanovich and Petka get away from Indians. Not one verst on prairies jump, and Indians do not lag behind and there are no place to take cover. Suddenly a tree high on the way. Throw horses, checkers into teeth and on a tree … Indians approached see such picture and decide not to climb on a tree, a pier over time will get down … Set up camp under a tree drink, have a snack … Day passes, night passed, again day, there comes night. HIV does not stand and speaks:
-Petk, shuruy down and filch something to devour and drink!
petka goes down, on the quiet prt gammon and a large bottle of moonshine and up to the commander. Mudflows they on a bough gobbled up gammon, washed down with moonshine - carried.
VICh both tells Petke:
-Go down and tell all these krasnomody that we them in a % mouth @y!!
petka goes down, almost all camp of Indians sleeps and begins orat:
-We you, ik, ugly faces %, krasnomordy in a mouth, @y!!!
vdrug near it rises the big fellow growth in two meters and asks:
- And me?!!
petka, lifting golovu:
- And you who?
-Ya Red Buffalo!!!
- Is not present, - Petka, - we tells cattle not of % @y!

*****

There went somehow Petka to Tibet, to study any east pieces. There comes in a year, and Vasily Ivanovich emu:
-Well, show to that nauchilsya.
petka strains, and standing in the middle of the room oak stol
sam flies up to potolku.
-Not, Petka, is nonsense! And here you make, chtoby
seychas to the yard jumped out naked Kotovsk with an accordion!
petka made an effort-was grieved - on the contrary! It is impossible!
rasstroilsya it, also left obratno.
priyezzhayet in a year - and Vasily Ivanych to it s
toy a request. And again nothing vykhodit.
rasstroilsya Petka absolutely and again uyekhal.
priyezzhayet in a year, and again to it Vasily of Ivanych:
-Well, now you will be able?
petka strains, there are so minutes five - veins on lbu
vot-here will burst … Suddenly to the yard vyskakivayet
plachushchy naked Kotovsk with a pig-iron radiator in rukakh:
-Well there is no accordion at me, no!

*****

The Russian died. Got to paradise, watches - well everything as one, sit at little tables and play chess. Resembled, looked, lo and behold - sit the Cheburashka with Gena and too play chess. Suddenly looks - they together with a table a circle turned back and further play. It became interesting, podoshel:
-Listen, men, what it at you for the mechanism here such in a table it is hidden?
-A it not the mechanism, it now about us on the earth a joke told. Sit down with nami.
-Well, I will better go at that fan posizhu.
- And it not the fan. This is Petka with Vasily Ivanovich.

*****

The general De Gaulle dies. Also speaks on:
-Grant my last desire. I want to see Fantomas without maski.
general there was not that person for whom it was possible otkazat.
zadeystvovany there was all police and army. At last brought Fantomas, but in a mask. The general ordered emu:
-Remove masku.
-Let all uydut.
vse left and Fantomas unmasked. The general looked at it and told with tears - Yes … and you grew old Vasily of Ivanovich.
-Years go - Fantomas answered - and you Petka are not young any more.

*****

Morning, Watson drinks coffee, to it there is Sherlock of Xolms:
-Watson you all night long watched a porno!!!!
-Holmes. how you guessed?
-U me except a porno nothing is not present!!!

*****

Scientists opened a new illness. For its treatment monkey eggs are necessary. Cause Chapaya, govoryat:
-Take that want whom want, but in a month are necessary to us one million monkey yaits.
-Give me Petka, and hundred tons spirta.
vsyo gave a doggie to a bug, sent to Africa. A half of the order comes in a week. Sent experts, to look as rabotayut.
eksperty come, all sleep. Razbudili.
-Vasyl Ivanych, show how rabotayete.
-Petka, represent!
petka to alcohol cherpnut, drank, climbed on a tree, died to a monkey, the monkey okoset, from a tree fell, a bug ran up, eggs of an otgryzl, in a box put. Experts look: all work, alcohol is spent, and Vasyl Ivanych otdykhayet.
-Vasily Ivanych, and you chyo do? I serve
-Ya for secure, represent Petk!
petka to alcohol scooped, drank, climbed on a tree, died to a gorilla, the gorilla okoset, but on a tree kept and as … Petke between an eye. Petka from a tree flies and oryot:
-Vasyl Ivanych, to a bug hold!!!

*****

Vasily Ivanych and Petka in England studied as doctors, come on the homeland, well here the local doctor began to worry about the competition-reshil to prove that they shaplotany.
posylayet the man, a pier pretend to be the patient and when treat, you will claim that does not help nikhrena. The man to V. I. comes and complains, the pier taste absolutely was gone, help … to
vasily Ivanych:
-Pyotr, preporat number six .
vkhodit Petka brings on a tray black tabletku.
muzhik ppobuya:
-Yes eto GAVNO!!! Vasily Pyotr write Ivanych:
-: Taste is restored! The man comes again - memory lost a nifig I cannot remember …
vasily Ivanych:
-Pyotr Preporat number six .
muzhik (indignantly):
- Again GAVNO!!! Vasily Pyotr write Ivanych:
-: Memory is restored! Vtrety time the man pritopal, well thinks a horse-radish something will think up now:
impotentom became absolutely the pier does not cost :( Vasily Ivanych:
-Pyotr Preporat number six .
muzhik (ох&евая):
- Yes е&ал I you and your GAVNO!!! Vasily Pyotr write Ivanych:
-: The potentiality is restored!

*****

The teacher asks:
-Who can explain, what such doubling of GDP? Mashenka:
-This doubling of national love to our remarkable president …
- is good, but it is wrong … Kolenka:
-Is doubling of General Military Preparation for our mighty Army …
- well, but too it is wrong … Petka:
-Is doubling of the prices of Wine and Vodka Production …
- badly, but Vovochka:
-of VVPVVP is besides wrong …!
-?
- the Power of Vyebla of Pensioners during Spring Putin … itself came crawling …

*****

Quirky small fry showed Petke how to enter alcohol by means of an enema. Cheap but good. Both catches up and does not stink. Petka shared a secret with Chapayem. Chapay appreciated this method and as soon as Petka left, got an enema and a baklazhka, and it was prepared to inject … Suddenly Petka hears inhuman shouts fighting komandira.
-A-a-a-a! Zaraza-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a! It snatches out a Mauser and Chapay:
- The Cucumber, a cucumber as hardly zakho - about - about - about - about - odit runs in a staff to Chapayu …!

*****

- Your surname?
-Rabinovich!
- Your Surname!!!???
-Rabinovich! Listen to
-! Not jokes to tell you invited here!
familiya!!!???
- Well, let us assume, Chapayev …
- Well here! Another matter! Name middle name? …
-Lazar Solomonovich …

*****

Furmanov asks Chapayeva:
-Vasily Ivanovich, you for what block to vote budesh:
ldpr, the CPRF, OVR, I eat, Union of Right Forces, NDR or for what another?
chapayev, cunning looking, on Furmanova:
- And here you tell, Furmanov, where Vladimir Ilyich?
- Is known where, it for a long time in grobu.
- And I for this block will vote, it for labor man
nynche dearest.

*****

Furmanov asks Chapayeva:
-For whom there will be people in 100 years, for communists or capitalists? asks:
- And communists in 100 years vodka will not forbid
chapayev? Here at whom to drink mozhno
budet, for that and there will be people!

*****

Chapayev floats with a wounded hand. Grebet-grebet one, over it the eagle turns a. Kruzhit-kruzhit, goes down below, looks attentively at V.I., soars up back. Chapayev floats further. Grebet-grebet one, the eagle everything turns-kruzhit a. Kruzhit-kruzhit, goes down below, looks again, soars up back. Chapayev everything rows-grebet with A. The eagle everything turns-kruzhit A. Again goes down, looks. Chapayev him cppashivaet:
-Hear y, a you che watch everything?
- Is given to me, the man that you ?p#?ишь.

*****

Chapayev returned from Petk's Papizha.
-, there was I on the Eiffel Tower … To the right you will look - so at your mother! You will look at
halevo - Your mother so!
- Well and memory at you, Vasily Ivanych!

*****

Chapayev returned from italii.
-Vasily Ivanych, tell something in Italian, - asks Petka.
-Petruchio Went on x …!

*****

Chapayev causes Petku:
-will go for boxing Tomorrow! To support our team!
- That you, Vasily Ivanovich! This business to me too hard!
- On teeth, on teeth, Petka!

*****

Chapayev gives command to a division: "Well eagles, in attack!" A division rinulas
vpered, only two were developed and jumped in other party. - "Hey, a
vy where?" - "So we are not eagles, we are lions!" - "What lions?" - "Lev Abramych I
LEV Moiseich!"

*****

Chapayev does to Anka operation of appendicitis. Petka assistiruyet:
-Scalpel! Alcohol! Clip! Alcohol! Tampon! Alcohol! Alcohol! Alcohol! Cucumber!

*****

Chapayev went to arrive in military akademiyu.
-Vasily Ivanych, everything handed over?
- Is not present, not everything, Petka. Handed over blood, handed over urine, and to the mathematician could not.

*****

Chapayev crosses the Urals. Rows with one hand. The orderly Petka floats ryadom.
-Vasily Ivanych, throw a suitcase!
- I cannot, Petka, there cards of a staff of a division. Two packs.

*****

Chapayev and Petka go to bed, remove sapogi.
petka watches at Chapayev's feet and speaks:
-What feet at you dirty, even is dirtier than mine!
- So I is also more senior than you, Petk …

*****

Chapayev and Petka went on reconnaissance. Masked, having hidden in a cow skin. Petk in front, Chapayev behind, is also sent to an arrangement of the white. White saw a lean cow and brought her a hay armful. Petka eats and stonet:
-I cannot more, Vasily Ivanovich! You eat
-, Petka, esh
belye brought a bucket pomoyev:
- There will be no I, cannot! - Petka.
-begged Drink, Petka, drink!
nakonets white leave, but after a while appear again. Petka begins smeyatsya.
-That neigh, Petka, still hay want?
-Vasily Ivanovich, conduct a bull.

*****

Chapayev and Petka went on reconnaissance. Decided to mask and get to the white. Hid in a cow skin, Petk in front, Chapayev behind. White saw a lean cow and brought a hay armful. Petka eats and stonet:
-I cannot more! Guzzle
-, Petk, guzzle!
prinIf a bucket pomoyev.
-Is not present, I will not be, I cannot! Guzzle
-, Petk, guzzle!
nakonets white leave, and after a while come back. Petka begins loudly smeyatsya.
-That laugh, again slops bear?
- Is not present, Vasily Ivanovich, a bull conduct!

*****

Chapayev and Petka pass examination in algebra. Petke got a question: nayti
koren the square. He ran in park, dug, dug, dug, brings. And sam
smeetsya. The commission asks:
-That you laugh?
petka speaks:
-Da Chapayev now probably runs, the square trinomial looks for …

*****

Chapayev and Petka get away from the white. Passable under a tree, Chapayev and speaks:
-Petka, let's be tightened on the lowermost to a bough i
povisim. White perhaps will not notice and uyedut.
-it is good, Vasily of Ivanych.
podtyanulis both of them also hang. Suddenly Petka speaks, nearly placha:
-Vasily Ivanych, and Vasily Ivanych, I cannot any more … I fall! Keep
-, Petka, and that I will shoot!
through Petk's half an hour again zanyl …
- Vasily Ivanych, and Vasily Ivanych, I cannot any more … I fall! Keep
-, Petka, and that I will shoot!
through half an hour more of Petk again for the:
-Vasily Ivanych, and Vasily Ivanych, I cannot any more … I fall! Keep
-, Petka, and that I will shoot!
proshlo half an hour more, and Petk speaks:
-Vasily Ivanych, and a horse though it is possible to release? And that he at menya
mezhdu feet will choke …

*****

Chapayev Petke:
-You, Petka, do not watch that I am your commander - You do not hesitate! I sit tea I drink - and you come drink tea! I sit vodka I drink, a shish kebab I have a snack - and you come drink tea!

*****

Chapayev - Petke:
-of That you decided socks to wash it?
- Yes prevent to sleep - at night began to shine.