Anecdotes about the army

Read funny Anecdotes about the army

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Meet dvoye:
-Hi, sylashat, what Petrovich died?
-Is not present and how?
-Drunk home prishel
-Heart rose?
-Well, it decided to smoke houses and the apartment zagorelas
-Burned down?
-Is not present, it firemen caused and in a window vyprygnul
-Broke?
-Not... there firemen spread an awning and it back in okno
-So after all burned down?
-Is not present... it by a window flew by and for a window sill was hooked well and obratno
-So means after all broke?
-Is not present, in the same place its awning on the road otkinulo
-So means brought down...
-Well there KamAZ trampolines carried it back to a window otkinulo
-So after all burned down???!!!
-Well, shot ego
-As so?
-Yes to darling... the l to and fro to fly.

*****

Two submarines - the Russian and amerikanskaya.
vsplyli face in Atlantic, captains got out on bridges. The American shouts v
megafon:
-Who are you?!
russkiy:
-Who х#@?! I?! The central post - torpedo attack!!!

*****

Ha of medical board of recruits before the surgeon, sitting on a stool, costs - hands on seams - the naked recruit. There all recruits stark naked. The surgeon writes down it in the magazine, askances at the recruit, at the middle of a trunk, and govopit:
-That, is already married?
ppizyvnik looks to itself at the middle of a trunk and speaks, kpasneya:
- And what? So considerably?
-Hy, a ring on a finger, - the surgeon mutters and writes further.

*****

Ha ucheniyakh.
- The Private Beldyev, at you still remained a little water in a flask?
-Of course, brother! As it you answer with
-to the senior on a rank! I repeat question :
u you there is a water?
-is not present In any way, companion sergeant!

*****

Ha examinations in intelligence school the entrant Pyotr Semenov did not answer on odin
voppos, in result of that was accepted at once on the second course.

*****

Ketyat two pilots each other on vstrechu.
-Listen, it is necessary somehow to us razletetsya.
-A, well give you on the left, I on the right.

*****

The commander told recruits about importance of their service for the country and in kontse
vystupleniya ppedlozhil:
-Well and now those who wants to deserve the medal "For Faultless Service", pposhu
vstat.
vse soldiers, except for one, quickly podnyalis.
- And you, Smith, - the officer asked it, - why do not get up? Because the chaplain told
-in the sermon yesterday that to tell a lie -
eto a sin.

*****

– And if in fight cartridges come to an end What to do?
-to Shoot further to mislead the opponent.

*****

- And I in a military registration and enlistment office watched yesterday the fairy tale. As one man of two generals supported, and his son did not go to army.

*****

- And that the general is silent?
-Thinks. At us in army so: if the general is silent, so or thinks, or - a portrait.

*****

And know, why buckets from fire-prevention boards with a sharp bottom? And that firemen, running with these buckets to and fro, did not stop to smoke and a bottom %% to etyet!

*****

- And you know, Vasily, I with you in investigation not poshel.
-It why? Remained Ya would be better here. Terribly to me. I am afraid.

*****

- And my dog from the house left yesterday...
-Where?
-Ya gave it command: "to serve", and she put on a helmet and went to army.

*****

- And the truth, what army does silly, indifferent, dependent and aggressive? I do not know
- And I do not want to know. I will go the ensign I will ask... or on a neck I will give you.

*****

- A-a-a-tdat the nasal!
-Is to give the nasal! To Give to
- The fodder!
-Is to give the fodder!
-to Check a buoy by effort of six people to a separation!
-to eat, check a buoy by effort of six people to a separation!. The buoy is checked by

*****

- And cho, however, that won against Germans near Moscow of type because of a pedantry?
-Not absolutely so. At Germans language is more difficult and longer. For example, phrase: "It is necessary to shoot on this tank", it is translated as "Dieser Panz

*****

The Yunayted Eyre airline nearly dismissed one too cheerful steward who after a landing of the plane and giving of a ladder did not find anything cleverer, than to declare in salon on loud svyazi:
-... By rules of our airline who leaves the last - cleans the plane!
ChEM caused the real panic among passengers...

*****

The admiral goes on the deck of the ship along a system matrosov.
-Hello, companions sailors! Stroy:
-we wish Health, companion admiral! Suddenly the admiral comes in dermo:
-Why on the deck - a heap of shit?! Stroy:
-Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah!

*****

The admiral liked to give the most unexpected commands. Having risen by the ship once, he removed a peak-cap, threw it on the deck and declared matrosam:
-It is a bomb. Your actions? The young sailor, without hesitation, kicked
ODIN on a peak-cap so that it fell down in water. All held breath, expecting reaction of the admiral. That pointed by a hand to a floating peak-cap and the Person behind a board gave new komandu:
-!

*****

Admiral's review on the flagman cruiser.... The Black Sea, a sunny weather, patches of light on tender waves, seagulls stridently shout...
ekipazh in full dress, clean, shaved, flags curl on heat to a veterochka... The mood at all raised, the admiral delighted with the ship and crew, simply will not rejoice... Bypasses a system, all - as on selection, guardsmen, in a word! There is it along a system, extols sailors, it is necessary to throw up the head to glance in eyes to the good fellow... And suddenly, at the end of a rank, the latest.... About MY GOD! Growth meter - twenty, a form gray, a collar is overwound, fastened in front, the stripped vest black and to knees hangs from under a jacket, a peakless cap on ears - an eye it is not visible.... The admiral, shocked, asks:
-You to whom is similar, uyobishche???!!!!
-On the grandmother Galya.....

*****

- To Alya, it is base?
-you got not there. It is rocket baza.
-It you got not there. Who will pay me for my shed?!

*****

- Alyo! Yes, I. Hi, kid! No. No, darling, I will not come today. Puski-potseluski!
-It who was?!
-Yes from a military registration and enlistment office.

*****

- Hallo, it is base?
-you got not there. It is rocket baza.
-It you got not there! Who will pay me for my shed?!

*****

- Hallo, it is base?
Sorry, you were mistaken, it is rocket base!
No, it you were mistaken who to me will restore a shed now?

*****

- Hallo, it is a military registration and enlistment office?
-Yes, I you slushayu
-you can take away me in army?
-Of course we can. And where you now are?
-B to prison...

*****

- Hallo, psikhlechebnitsa? That can you tell
-DA
-about the person who in the 6th mornings of all awakes with playing a pipe?
-Is desirable to hospitalize him. Your address?
-Military unit #......, barracks, man on duty.

*****

- Hallo! Stasik, very long ago I did not call you. How session? Entered the second year? Why you cannot speak? You stand on a post with the machine gun? I don't think!

*****

Alfred Nobel is considered the first inventor of dynamite only for that simple reason that previous it was not succeeded to identify.

*****

America. Three men go interview to police. The first comes, to it show a photo and ask it to remember its signs then. Hy the man looked and govopit:
- At this man at ONE ear …
-Same the photo in the IDIOT profile!!!, tells ppinimayushchiy.
zakhodit sledyyushchiy:
- At it one ear … to
-Yes you that all …? The same photo in a profile, shouts the angry examiner. The third comes: Looks at a photo and quietly so govopit:
-This man carries contact lenses.-???
ekamenatop fast looked at its personal record and govopit:
-Yes you are right. Ho as you guessed?
-Hy he cannot wear glasses if y it ONE ear …

*****

The American division on doctrines overcomes a water barrier. The inspecting general asks at komandira:
-Losses of staff at a crossing were?
-is not present In any way. However, yesterday two of a battalion of operators drowned, but this morning we caught them.

*****

American voyennye:
-We took Baghdad!
-of Obagdadilis! We took
-Tikrit!
-of Otikritilis! Tomorrow we will take
-A Basra!
-of Open company... byazatelno we will take

*****

The American selectors crossed a cuckoo to an elephant!
teper a feathery predator throws the eggs on huts of the Afghan Talibs...

*****

The American colonel asks at kompyyutera:
-to us to come or recede?
kompyyuter thinks some minutes and vydayet:
-Uyes!
polkovnik:
-That "Uyes"?
-Uyes, sir!

*****

The American soldier who served in the Western Germany, poluchil
ot the bride the letter. The bride reported that any more not hochet
svadby and asks to return her her photo. The soldier enclosed v
konvert some pictures and the letter: "Dear Mildred. I uzhe
zabyl as you look therefore I send you fotografii
neskolkikh my brides. Choose, please, the, and ostalnye
verni to me".

*****

- Americans offer us the help in disarmament, - the president speaks to the minister oborony.
-What, companion president?
-Suggest to send part of tanks to them on pereplavku.
-Tanks, - the minister discontentedly screws up the face. - Or perhaps b

*****

Army. The person on duty on park - dnevalnomu:
-what car left? To
-Green, - answers dnevalnyy.
-I know, what green what number, I ask?
-A number white...

*****

Army. "Spirit" mows a grass. On a fence 4 "grandfathers" sit next and think kak
by it to wind in uvolnitelnuyu.
pervy speaks:
"I know. I will go to a prapor, I will bring rats. and for it it me will release the offer" .
prikhodit to a prapor and speaks:
"There the spirit mows a grass, and so if to a braid of 3 edges to fasten, it will work 3 times more effectively". The 2nd grandfather released it prapor.
prikhodit and speaks:
"the Spirit works inefficiently. 1 movement - mows, 2 - empty (waves a braid). Here if behind to it to fasten a braid, both movements will be workers". Prapor released both ego.
prikhodit the third and speaks:
"It is necessary to fasten a cart to spirit, then he will mow also a grass in a cart to put". Released also it. The fourth goes round the spirit armed with two braids with threefold edges and a cart behind the back, dumayet.
dukh stops working, looks at the grandfather and nearly crying vydayet:
"That, a bough, look? A lamp to me in a forehead that could work at night!"

*****

Army. "Spirit" mows a grass. On a fence 4 "grandfathers" sit next and think kak
by it to wind in the discharge. The first speaks: "I know. I will go to a prapor, I will bring rats.
predlozheniye and for it it will release me". Prikhodit
k also speaks to a prapor: "There the spirit mows a grass, and so if to a braid of 3 edges to fasten, on
budet to work 3 times more effectively". Released its prapor. The 2nd grandfather comes and speaks: "Dukh
rabotayet is inefficient. 1 movement - mows, 2 - empty (waves a braid). Here if szadi
k to it to fasten a braid, both movements will be workers". Prapor released also him. Prikhodit
trety also speaks: "It is necessary to fasten a cart to spirit, then it will mow also a grass in telegu
skladyvat". Released also it. The fourth goes round the spirit armed with two braids s
troynymi edges and a cart behind the back, dumayet.
dukh stops working, looks at the grandfather and nearly crying vydayet:
"That, С#КА, look? A lamp to me in a forehead that could work at night!"

*****

Army. There is a review of a winter dress code and as always at many it is not prepared. The commander of a platoon goes along a system and publishes the following team: "Who has no emblems that take them in hand"!.