Jokes about drunks

Read funny Jokes about drunks

Jokes about drunks

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- Why 90% of accidents are made by drunk drivers? Because in such state they put
- for a wheel of the wives.

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- And I with the godmother of vodka drank yesterday and for the morning as anew was born! What, it was so good?
No, found in cabbage.

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And What will be if to drink a lot Of vodka?
- will be the day after tomorrow...

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And now about the main thing: today the main was late for work because of traffic jams with which shot at a ceiling in the company of drunk friends.

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- And I the other day to myself home invited the girl: well we drank champagne, liqueur, cognac, beer, vodka... and so to a full otrubon!
- And how girl?
- What?

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- And here the whole chamber with production injuries, and all from one predpriyatiya.
-So at them white goryachka.
- And plant alcoholic beverage.

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- And aliens kidnapped me! I remember only a dim bulb, some buttons, the movement up...
- As, aliens... We you drunk in the elevator carried it!

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And the liter Of beer is much? Watching
- what...

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(A) lkonavt, specifically nuzhduyushchiysya in give a drink, comes into a bar. In total it there. know, he has to all and nobody nalivayet.
(And) sees that at one of little tables sit (m) of Angola. Podvalivayet.
(And) - it is healthy, men! Want, about (C) an ukhe-Bator rasskazhu.
(M) - Hotim.
(And) - Vstrechatsya as that (C) with (And) ly Muromts. Decided to try force. Dropped out to the first to beat (C).
(M) nalivayut.
(And) - Struck (C), (And) knee-deep to the earth ushel.
(M) rejoice, nalivayut.
(And) - Struck (C) the second time, (And) on a belt to the earth ushel.
(M) delighted, nalivayut.
(And) - Struck (C) the third time, (And) up to a breast to the earth ushel.
(M) are sung by the fighting songs, nalivayut.
(And) - Ilya Muromts's Turn. It got out of the earth, otryakhnulsya; struck, and (C) costs as in anything not byvalo.
(M) are absolutely happy, pour, give babki.
(And) -... Only ears stick out of the earth.

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- And why if not to drink, to smoke, for women not to run - it is possible to live to a ripe old age?
- Because if the person - the fool, it for a long time!

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- And you tasted new drink "Mona Liza"?
- Is not present, and what it?
- Two-three glasses - and a strange smile already will never descend from your face!

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- But whether not to pass to us on a rymochka, San Sanych?
- Well so you... this... you can pass, and I, perhaps, will drink!

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Here three stages of intoxication zhenshchiny:
1. Oh, what I drunk...
2. Who drunk? I drunk???
3. "Where we go to the taxi driver's question?" tresnust on the head a handbag and to tell it: "Not your business, cattle!"

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Accident. The car is smashed, from it hardly take three young people drunk in dosku.
-Who drove the car? - Anybody asks politseyskiy.
-, - one of victims answers, - all of us sat on a back seat.

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Accident on Square Novosibirska.
mashina is smashed, from it hardly take three young people drunk in dosku.
-Who drove the car? - Anybody asks politseyskiy.
-, - one of victims answers, - all of us sat on a back seat.

*****

Bus. The drunk man comes. The conductor demands to pay, and the drunk mychit:
- And at me money netu.
-On vodka were? - asks konduktorsha.
-Me the friend treated!
-A why on the road did not give?
- Well why did not give... - pulls out one more bottle of vodka because of a bosom.

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Avtobus.
polny the man leaned the elbows on the woman - the Man, you are drunk!
muzhchina, you are very drunk!
muzhchina, you is awful pyany.
- The Woman, you have curves nogi.
u you very curve nogi.
u you awfully curve nogi.
a I will sober up tomorrow.

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The traffic inspector stops the car and Check on intoxication speaks Driveryu:
-. Please, blow in this trubochku.
-In what? - the driver asks. - In left or right?

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Action in a supermarket: for those who buys beer on Monday morning, the cashier peeps more silently.

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The drunk tells Hapku:
-Hear, the buddy. Well that at you, at drugs, for life takaya.
hyukhnuli, got high, fell asleep. What a difference we, alkanes, - got drunk, fought, chopped off.

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The drunk holds in hand a penguin and speaks:
- The Penguin, a ruff your copper...
potom Gvinpin, your copper a ruff overturns it nogami:
-up...

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The drunk comes into shop, looks at a bottle and anything to tell the seller not v
sostoyanii only "ЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭ" it turns out, to the seller bothered, the drunk expelled. Sidit
pod a door, will grieve, suddenly looks - the friend leaves shop with a bottle of Alkash
ego and asks as that it was succeeded to buy vodka. That explained that nado
sosredotochitsya and to the seller to tell "vooodkhaa" and dadnut. Comes into shop,
sosredotachivayetsya of minutes 15 and on one breath tells very quietly "voodkh" of
prodavets - "That?" The drunk - "ЭЭЭЭЭЭЭЭ"

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The drunk comes into a public toilet and sees - on a floor in dirt valyaetsya
publ. It govopit:
-Hm, I still with sortirnogo a floor will lift some ruble!
zatem are got from a pocket by a stolnik, throws it on a floor and govopit:
- And here 101 rubles can and be lifted!

*****

The drunk goes down the street and suddenly from everything to scope hits a forehead in stolb.
togda it is developed in other party and, through some meters having crashed into other column, says:
-With @@ and, locked!

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The drunk bought a champagne bottle on the last money, brought home and thinks where to hide that the wife did not find. Eventually thrust it into a toilet bowl tank. At night quietly wakes up and slowly creeps through the wife. The wife half asleep, showing on sleeping nearby synishku:
-Vasya, well it is not necessary... He already absolutely adult - everything will understand...
husband calms down. In a couple of minutes Vasya renews the popytki.
Wife opyat:
-, well it is not necessary... He already absolutely adult - everything will understand...
B the end of the ends, to it was succeeded to get out of a bed. Trying not to create noise, he crept in a toilet, got a bottle, accurately opens it... and suddenly a stopper - BA-BAH!!!!!!!!
Bce right there swell up. The little son reproachfully speaks mather:
-Well, dovydelyvatsya?!!! The father in a toilet was shot!

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The drunk was bulked up on a cemetery, filled up in a grave and usnul.
prosypayetsya at night, oriented that on a cemetery nakhoditsya.
smotrit, the grave-digger digs a grave. Well, the drunk has a good mood, thinks: "Give I it I will frighten". Found kakuye a white sheet, threw the head, approaches the grave-digger and terribly so krichit:
-UUUUUU
MOGILSHCHIK absolutely pofigistichno looked and continues a grave kopat.
alkash did not understand, on the other hand approached and is even louder and strashnee:
-than UUU-UUU-UUU-UUUUUU
MOGILSHCHIKU again to a pofig, looked, any reaktsii.
nu this drunk was upset, went to an exit from a cemetery, even to throw off a sheet zabyl.
dokhodit to gate, his grave-digger catches up, a shovel on a forehead and quietly so speaks:
-to Walk - walk, and beyond the territory do not go.....

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The drunk poured chock-full sits on a shop and mutno looks before himself. Suddenly the little squirrel sits down by it nearby, and speaks:
-Here I also came, Vasily! You would get stuck, and?
- And so you what, "squirrel"?! Only why "came"?
belka, grustno:
-Yes at least because I am not a squirrel, and the district police officer...

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The drunk approaches the addict and asks to hammer to it a jamb. The addict hammered, got high both are an addict departed, and the drunk does not take in any way. It to narkomanu:
-Listen why does not take me?
- which is Given rise to creep - cannot fly!

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The drunk, hanging on for a wall by the skin of teeth, a muddy look looks on coming nearer to it rebenka.
- The Uncle, inflate a ball! S-now in - all - I will throw
- and to you I will inflate balls!

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The drunk comes to the veterinarian: - I heard, you the bestial doctor?
- Yes, and what hurts you?

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The drunk stands at wine shop in a queue and throws anniversary ruble with Leninym.
- At me not in the Mausoleum, will not lie too long!

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The drunk went on a cemetery in the evening, fell in the dug-up grave and fell asleep. Next morning froze, shivers... Sees - some man looks at it and asks:
-That, froze? Cold?
-of Dddd...
-A on figs was dug out?

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Alcoholism is when do not leave for tomorrow that,
chto can be drunk today.

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The alcoholic wakes up at three o'clock in the afternoon and Predeayem hears on radio:
-signals of exact time. achat the sixth signal corresponds to 15-ti
chasa of the Moscow time. Pip, Pip, Pip, Pip, Pip, Pip. 15 hours moskovskogo
vremeni. In Moscow - 15 hours..., in Khabarovsk - 22, in Vladivostok - 23, v
petropavlovske-Kamchatsky - midnight. This alcoholic catching for golovu:
-Oh, the bard-ak!

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The alcoholic in the morning, bringing a mug with beer to a mouth, asks:
-Soul, you accept?
izmuchennaya smothering in otvet:
-Is not present! I ask Shower
-, the last time, you accept or not?
- Is not present!
- Then stand aside, and I will pour over that!

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The alcoholic sort on sobpanii:
-Such intense situation in the world, and all of you drink! Though know
VY, what such atomic warfare?
- Of course!
- That?
- Came on kitchen, opened the crane, and there vodka flows...
- Well all! Drank too much... Gallyutsinatsii.
-you Will come into a bathroom, and there vodka from the crane flows...
- Was drunk up!
- You Will come to a balcony, and there the vodka rain goes...
- Well and what? To drink
-A there is nobody!

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Alcoholics sit under a haystack and pyyut:
stalo holodno:
odin from them set fire stog:
vdrug see - people from the village run to nim:
odin from drunks speaks:
-See ty:
podzhech - so nobody can, and be heated - so all run!
VINO Wine Wine

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Alcohol - my chief teacher!!!
PRI absorption in blood, it teaches me to play the guitar, to tell to people the truth and it is seductive to dance on a table!!!

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Alcohol in small doses is useful in any quantities.

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