Jokes about husband and wife

Read funny Jokes about his wife

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The % - Me is necessary such person who would perform all hard works on the house, hodil
po to my instructions, never objected and was always ready to do a favor me, -
poyasnila the hostess to the young man who came to be employed in usluzheniye.
- Then, of madam, is necessary to you the husband, but not the servant, - followed the answer.

*****

- And what your wife when you go to a pothouse does?
-Firewood kolet.
-in my opinion, it is wrong. You sit in heat and drink beer, and the wife on a frost firewood kolet.
-So, she does not love beer.

*****

The hotel administrator speaks kliyentu:
-If you do not prove to me that it is your wife, I will not be able to lodge you vmeste.
- And if you manage to prove that it is not my wife, I will be grateful to you to the death.

*****

- Hallo! This bureau of intimate services in phone?
Yes... I am ready to grant any your desire...
Люсь, I only wanted that you on the road from work bought a long loaf of white loaf.

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The English lord zhene:
-Darling if you learned to prepare, we would dismiss the cook and would save ten thousand pounds in
GOD.
-Excellent thought and if You learned though something to do with me in a bed, we would dismiss
Driverya and would save twenty thousand

*****

- Anka, why are you wearing a wedding ring on the wrong finger?
- I married the wrong man.

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- Follow an example of me! - mother speaks to the daughter. - I am married 20 years and I love all this time only one
muzhchinu! I Present to
-what will be scandal when the father learns

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The director of firm with zhenoy.
direktor:
- The Programmer whom I took few months ago for work,
prines to me 30 thousand dollars of the income talks! How many programs he wrote
Wife:
-I?
direktor:
-of Any!
Wife:
-???
direktor:
-is simple if from its reports on the done work to clean slovo
windows, excellent scripts for pornofilms turn out.

*****

Three girlfriends talk. One speaks:
- The Husband bought me the color TV and a stereo system. I stay at home, anywhere to go not nado.
- And the husband bought me the videorecorder. Included and have a good time. And that bought you? - ask at tretyey.
- And the husband bought nothing to me. Told that with me still it is possible both at cinema, and to go to theater.

*****

Future father-in-law zhenikhu:
-Well and on what you will support my daughter?
-Ya millioner.
-Well, well. Add to it that I bequeathed to it too million.
-I already took it into account at calculation as soon as learned.

*****

In office phone calls, Petrov lifts trubku.
-Hallo, - the voice of his wife is heard. - It you, road? You ate sandwich which I wrapped to you on
rabotu?
-Yes, darling. Sandwich was very much vkusnyy.
-Tasty? Well, then it is fine... And that I now noticed that I clean footwear fish paste.

*****

In magazine.
velika the price, and is no place to recede. Behind - the wife!

*****

In shop the seller recommends to buy entsiklopediyu:
-Buy, will not regret! Here all data which to you neobkhodimy.
-Dear, you do not know my wife are collected! From it I learn even that is not necessary for me at all...

*****

The police is run in by the person and speaks:
-I came to give up vlastyam.
- And what you made?
-Ya hit the wife...
-I killed her?
-That you! Even not potsarapal.
-Well, it is trifles. Can idti.
-for anything! It stands behind this door.

*****

In a bed spouses lie. The husband starts the wife squeezing, and in reply as obychno:
"the head hurts me, leave alone!" .
togda it gets from under a pillow a ring with diamond. ONA:
- And? What does it mean? What do I am a prostitute?. or little schoolgirl?. or passionate nurse?.

*****

In a family dispute who will follow the son in a kindergarten inflamed. husband :
-I presented a fur coat to you?
-Podaril.
-Well here also follow the son!
-A why not you??
-B than?! In socks and in a skin for shaving?!.

*****

- Vasya, watch what roses!
-Silly woman, it not roses, and hir … hirs … hres … Yes a her with them, let there will be roses.

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Having come back home at dawn from a friendly junket, the husband on tiptoe entered a bedroom, and, having sat down on edge of
posteli, began to take off boots. The wife opened eyes and with surprise looked on muzha:
-Why you so get up early today?
husband otvechayet:
-I should go to business trip on affairs firmy.
i today, having put on again 6otinki, leaves the house.

*****

- Possibly, there will be a storm at night, - speaks husband .
-If you return in time - will not be, - the wife answers.

*****

Evening. The husband comes home. On a table zapiska:
"Meat in the refrigerator, soup on a plate. You will bang - do not awake."

*****

During divorce proceedings the judge speaks:
- There was in your husband something attractive, time you married it?
-Was, was, but it is already spent to the last dollar.

*****

Vozvratyas from a field home, the husband saw the wife in beautiful new platye.
posle a dinner sprosil:
-So, the truth is said by people, what you spend all money to yourself for dresses and jewelry?
-Lie! Do not trust! It I do not trust
-, and here to the eyes poveril.
tut the wife as will knock a poker on stolu.
-So you to whom trust more, a parasite, to the eyes or the native wife?
-R-r-rodnoy... to the native wife

*****

The husband from business trip comes back a bit earlier and knocks in dver:
-Who there? - the Grey wolf, a gray wolf asks Wife.
-...
-to us is not terrible a gray wolf, under a bed the whole regiment.

*****

The drunk husband comes back home. The wife opens a door. It asks:
-You that, Manya, did not ask who came? Yes I you through a door guessed
-.

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- Here houses of different exotic animals all now began to hold: tigers, crocodiles. Cousins here to a dragon of
zavyol...
-A that wife?
-B what sense?
-Well it has a wife? I tell
-got...

*****

Meets two podrugi.
-As your guy? Still goes in for mathematics? I do not want to hear
-about it more! Yesterday called it, and he told that will not go for a walk, because
trakhayetsya with three unknown.

*****

Two girlfriends meet. One complains drugoy:
-You know, my husband on me even does not look as at the woman. He kazhdyy
den when comes home, tells me the same phrase: "What budem
zhrat today?" I will tell
-Ya to you that all men approximately identical - infantile i
odnoobraznye. I too had a similar problem, but me very much legko
udalos it reshit.
- The Truth? And how to you it worked well? I too want poprobovat.
- Then buy a black raincoat and a black mask. When the husband comes, otkroy
emu a door in such prikid, and the success is guaranteed!
through week of the girlfriend again vstrechayutsya.
-Well as, tried my method?
-Yes, met him in such attire, and he speaks to me: "About! Hi,
zorro! What we will guzzle today?"

*****

- Yesterday I won the lottery hundred thousand!
- And how to respond your wife?
- She joy onemela.
- It's necessary - so much happiness at once

*****

Yesterday decided to execute a conjugal duty and to put a tick. So still nobody put the Tick.

*****

- You are very similar to my third husband, - the woman speaks, having seen muzhchinu.
- And how many everything you had their?
-So far two.

*****

- How you spent the day off?
-Ya wanted to go to the museum, and the wife - in kino.
-Well, and how the movie? It was pleasant?

*****

- Are you happy family life?
- Oh yeah! We have so much love each other, three times postponed divorce.

*****

The American caught a bottle in the sea. Opened - and there the genie sidit.
-that you released me, I will execute any your desire! - told dzhinn.
- And I have everything! Excellent health, work, family, house, money, car, yacht and plane! But after all something you want
-?
-Ya I like to have a rest on the Hawaiian Islands, I have a magnificent bungalow there. But a problem with the road. From the
menya yacht feels sick, and I am afraid to fly. Construct to me the road from LA to my island, I on the wheelbarrow
smogu there ezdit.
-went Crazy? Same across the ocean! How many matheral it is necessary to spend! Give another zhelaniye.
-All right. I have a problem with zhenshchinami.
-Other question! No problem! All yours will be! You not so understood
-. I do not understand women. They tell one, think another, mean the third. How to understand their
pravilno?
dzhinn long thought and said:
- And on your autobahn * four strips will be enough?

*****

The man drank 1 l. beer. The wife rows. Next day the man drank 1 box of beer. The wife again rows.
question ?: If the wife always rows, why to drink less???

*****

- What are you cut out from the newspaper?
- new note about a man who demanded a divorce because of the fact that his wife rummaging in his karmanah.
- And what do you do about it?
- pocketed.

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- Galya, go look, why this ours zolotets cries?
-It not ours, and neighbour's...
-Eternally this milksop at them roars

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- They say that you taught the wife to play cards? Really?
-Taught and, know, well made. Last Saturday I won back at it a half of the salary.

*****

- The citizen Petrova, - the judge speaks, - why you knocked the husband the iron on the head?
-Ya hundred times said to it that I have an appeasable character, and he did not trust...

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Yes = HET
HET = = HET
YA need to be been guilty Da
mozhet = You still pozhaleesh
ham = I hochy
reshay itself = the Right decision ochevidno
delay now that you want = Later for it poplatishsya
ham it is necessary to talk = to me it is necessary pozhalovatsya
konechno, continue = I do not want that you it delal
ya are not upset = Of course I am upset, the idiot!
BYD is more romantic, extinguish light = At me flabby byodpa
eta so inconvenient kitchen = I want new DOM
YA I want new curtains = Both carpets, and furniture, and wall-paper...
poves a picture here = is NOT PRESENT, I had in a look here! Me you love
TY? = I am going to ask something dopogoye
kak strongly you love me? = I made something today, what to you at all not ponpavitsya
ya I will be ready in a minute = Take off boots and look for any interesting transfer on televizopy
u me the thick back? = Tell me that I am a beauty