Jokes about peoples

Read funny Jokes about Americans

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CCCP, 50th years. The American tourist decided to drink sparkling water. Approaches the machine gun, throws three kopeks,
zhdet. The machine gun pozhuzhzhat, coughed also anything. The American still throws a coin - anything. Still a coin - the same effect. Scratched
postoyal, turnip and thinks: "And after all it is idea! "
Tak appeared playing machine guns.

*****

Two Americans and opposite sit at a little table Russian in a tavern. One American speaks dpugomu:
-Listen, you see that Russian? Well vizhu.
-Watch
-, it now will drink a glass of vodka, and to it will be nothing...
-!!! Watch
-, it now will drink the second glass of vodka and to it again will be nothing...
-!!!!! Listen to
-, it now will drink the 3rd glass, to it again will be nothing, but here it is time for us to leave...

*****

The Russian, the German, the American gathered. They were given zadaniye:
vypit a vodka box, to go to the wood to reap a paw to a bear, vy ** t the Chukchi. The American drank a bottle of vodka and died. The German of
vypil a vodka box, went to the wood and did not return. The Russian drank a vodka box, went to the wood. Comes all hackneyed, live
mesta is not present. Speaks: "Well, where that Chukchi to whom I have to reap a paw?".

*****

Two submarines - the Russian and amerikanskaya.
vsplyli face in Atlantic, teams were built aft. The American captain warns team that were silent and in any
sluchaye did not answer Russians. Floated the friend about the friend of the submarine, sailors stand still and here young American
matros so plaintively zdorovayetsya:
-Hellou Rashn!
russky kapitan:
-That??? hu@vo it is painted?! The central post - torpedo attack!!!

*****

And what will be if Bush slips on a banana skin?
-End to the banana countries!

*****

- And what they, these freaks?
-Freaks - they almost same as Americans and Canadians, it is only more nice!

*****

- And what it at you all apples of a ponadkusana?
-So is American, a grade of Apple...

*****

America. Small small town. Papikmakhepskaya.
papikhmakhep cuts constant kliyenta.
-What plans for holiday, old times? - he asks y nego.
-I Want to visit Moscow, - answers tot.
-In Moscow!!! In this dirty, smelly city where the garbage is not cleaned and the street is walked by bandits and bears! Yes you that,
sep?! He take in head!!!
-I after all I will go. After all mine the grandfather and the grandmother once lived there!
-A what airlines you fly? - asks papikhmakhep.
-Aeroflot! - Mother expensive answers tot.
-, these are the nastiest airlines. There the narrowness and disgusting food stinks of kerosene,
yzhasnaya. To steam of hours of delay to you gapantipovano.
- And after all I go!
-Hy is fine, an in what hotel you stop in Moscow?
-B of "Russia"! What
-nightmare! There a lot of prostitutes, the dray prices, around cockroaches and merzopakosny pepsonal.
-I go, in any case! That will you do
-A in Moscow? - it is not appeased papikhmakhep.
-I Want to descend to Lenin's Mausoleum!
-??????. There huge turn, around militia and frisk. Disgustingly and in a disgusting way!
-will stop nothing Me! - answers kliyent.
chepez to steam of months, after a trip it comes in papikhmakhepskyyu.
-Hi, buddy, - speaks parikhmakher, - as a trip? Whether I told the truth to you about Moscow? Know
-, Moscow very much was pleasant to me. They have a new mayor Luzhkov and he guided an order there. Around purity, I did not see crime of
malo and bears!
-Hy, an Aeroflot as? Everything how I told?
-He absolutely. The plane was almost empty, so that replaced us in the 1st class. Fed greatly and the stewardess was
ochen lovely and nice devyshkoy.
-Hy, a hotel, the truth, rubbish?!
-That you! They there made recently repair and there was a week of discounts, so that I lived in number luxury! Any prostitutes and
tapakanov.
-Hy, Lenin's a were seen? - it is not appeased papikhmakhep.
-Present to yourself, saw. And you will not even believe. There are I in turn, the person in the civilian suddenly approaches, allocates for
menya in the party and says that their scientists just made a miracle and could recover Lenin, and that he wants
pogovopit with whom-nibud from crowd. And they chose me for this tseli.
-My God, I do not trust the ears! And what Lenin told you?
-Yes only couple of words: "Old man, and who it you so hgenovo podstgig...?"

*****

America. Two in beds, business approaches an outcome. ONA:
-Oh, honey, you finish?
-No, I'm Swedish...

*****

America after all very young strana.
podruga told. Brought to them to hospital of the old man on operation. Ordinary such American grandfather of years of
devyanosta of five just over by the name of John Milligan. Lysenky, all in senile buckwheat, the medical record is thicker than its
samogo, but is perfect still in the right mind. Asked the address. The city such (the small town of thousands on 15 inhabitants, the suburb of
siettla), the sister notices John Milligan Street, house 1.
registratsionnaya: - Is necessary what coincidence: you are John Milligan and the street too John of Milligan.
dedushka speaks: - Well so anything surprising, I it also based it. I when arrived to these regions at the beginning of
tridtsatykh, there still nobody lived. Open country. I chose the town more beautiful, put a hibarka. Hung up post
yashchik, I come to mail: here here to me letters and newspapers, please. They ask, what street, what house number.
DA what street to devils, I there from the road a little bit of gravel filled that "Ford" did not slip, here and all street. In total
ravno, speak, so it is impossible, call somehow. Well I also called without thinking twice. And then around the people began to lodge,
mesta beautiful. Now not all remember that I am that John Milligan.

*****

The American, the Englishman and the Russian began to argue: at whom the biggest military samolet.
- At us, - speaks amerikanets.
-We can the whole tank battalion zagruzit.
-Ha, - there began an Englishman, - and we can fly up, having onboard a squadron torpedo katerov.
russky thought and speaks:
-Here, recently, we fly. The commander speaks to the fifteenth pilotu:
-Wan, drive in the 34th compartment - something buzzes podozritelno.
nu there, Ivan on the motorcycle and drove... Hour through two comes back and dokladyvayet:
-Anything terrible the commander! Simply the Boeing in a window leaf flew, is wound round a bulb and buzzes, buzzes...

*****

The American, the Englishman and the Russian are praised that will force a cat sjest
gorchitsu. the American hva-thaws a cat and pushes mustard to her in past.
-This violence! - protests russkiy.
anglichanin puts mustard between two pieces of sausage, and koshka
sjedayet.
-It is deception! - the Russian then smears with mustard to a cat pod
khvostom, and a cat protests with we howl vylizyvayet.
-Pay attention, - tells Russian, - voluntary and from songs.

*****

Whether the American sets question :
- The Soviet engineer Can buy the car? After long silence the Tver radio otvetilo:
- And at you in America Blacks are lynched...

*****

The American climbed on Everest and krichit:
f@ck you!!!
EHO to it in otvet:
f@ck you!!!F@ck you!!!F@ck you!!!...
amerikanets opyat:
f@ck you!!!
EKHO:
F@CK you!!!F@ck you!!!F@ck you!!!
vdrug the American slipped, padayet
vniz and krichit:
help me!
EHO in otvet:
f@ck you!!!F@ck you!!!F@ck you!!!...

*****

The American buys in Scotland zamok.
-Mmmmmmm... I would buy your lock but only if in it is privideniya.
-Here I do not know. In eight hundred years of any did not see...

*****

The American arrived to London, employed the guide, goes, gets acquainted with architecture. Soon to it nadoyedayet:
-Listen, the friend why you have all such small here? This building, for example, in America would be time in ten bolshe.
-By itself, the sir. It is psychiatric hospital.

*****

The American arrived to the Soviet Union and lodged in hotel: "Intourist". Level of service was pleasant to it, but
kak it complained to the director that would like to order in the number the woman, and in the USSR such service not of
praktikuyetsya.
-of Anything, - the director told, - organizuyem.
na the next day to the American brought the list with female names and suggested to see. The American stopped
svoy a choice on the woman, by the name of "pavlovna". Promised it that tomorrow, it will come to five o'clock in the afternoon. On
sleduyushchy day, exactly in five days in number knocked. Quite elderly woman came and at once asked:" where you have
vanna". The American showed. The woman disappeared in a bathroom. Being burned with impatience, the American began to wait. Fifteen
minut, half an hour, hour. He glanced in a barefaced bathroom and found out that all it is bequeathed men's shirts,
detskoy clothes, linen. Pavlovna, having bent over a bathroom, erased, and the lot of dirty linen sideways lay. Pavlovn's
amerikantsu began to explain confusedly that hot water three weeks do not connect, a laundry on
remonte... The American understood nothing, and, with astonishment said:
- And houses told me that the Russian women passionate...
-Ah and!
pavlovna is enough with the learned movement the American and twists it in mutton rog:
- And well speak! You will sign a dress on two man-hours or not?

*****

The American travels on Evrope.
-Where we?
-B Paris, the monsieur - answers shofer.
-To hell to a detail! In what country?

*****

The American, the Russian and the Jew addressed in rentgenkabinet.
prosvetili the American: in heart - women, in a stomach - meat, liver
V - negry.
prosvetili Russian: in heart - the Homeland, in a stomach - vodka,
V to a liver - teshcha.
prosvetili the Jew: in heart - the wife, in a stomach - a chicken, liver
V - the tax inspection.

*****

- The American asks: Whether "The engineer can buy in the USSR the car?" Radio was silent three days, then answered with
pafosom: "And your Blacks lynch"

*****

The American who is going down from a plane ladder in Heathrow at a look tumana:
-Fi, what nasty weather! And long here it will proceed still, you do not know? To
londonets:
-Alas, the sir, I can tell nothing the certain. I live only thirty five years here.

*****

The American, the Frenchman and the Russian found a lamp with the genie. Amerikanets
zagadyvayet zhelaniye:
-I Want the American freedom!
DZHIN thought-thought and gave it the American flag. Then frantsuz:
-I Want the French sex!
DZHIN thought-thought and gave it the French condom. Russkiy:
-I Want the Russian justice!
DZHIN thought-thought and all sent...

*****

The American stirs with the girlfriend and shares sokrovennym.
-Know, Jessica, I long thought and still decided to postpone a wedding with Ben on some let.
-As?!
-Yes. I decided to marry John at first.

*****

The American army buys 25 thousand fighting pigs for patrol and protection of important Iraqi objects. This
metodika has to exclude completely possibility of acts of terrorism if only it is possible to reach compromise with the Ukrainian
kontingentom.

*****

The American movie star tells podruge:
-Imagine, I had to postpone for some time a wedding with Gari.
-Why?
-Ya I marry now Fred.

*****

The American program for space launch of the superfancy spy satellites capable to mark on the earth object of
razmerom about a baseball ball ended with a total failure - in the first flight over Russia full
otsutstviye in the territory of this country was found out... baseball balls!

*****

The U.S. intelligence installed the overhearing equipment at the Soviet plant making nuclear missiles.
through two months Americans found out that the Soviet rockets consist of Huyovina and Pizdyulina, connect to a poyebenye,
I all three parts are completely interchanged.

*****

American family. The husband with the wife at breakfast listen radio.
-Today heavy snow is expected. For simplification of cleaning of streets a request to park cars on the party odd domov.
husband rose, put on, left the house and overtook mashinu.
through 2 days they again listen radio:
-heavy snowfalls Are expected. The request for simplification of cleaning of streets to park cars on even storone.
husband put on and drove away the car on the specified party. In couple of days they again sit, have breakfast and listen to
prognoz pogody.
-heavy snow Is expected. For simplification of cleaning of streets a request to put cars...
I here was disconnected by radio. husband :
-Hmmm... How you think where to park the car this time?
Wife, after long razmyshleniy:
-you Know that... And leave you it better in garage...

*****

The American school for exceptional children, 1970, an informatics lesson...
-A now, children, what aaplets you would like to write when grow up?
VOT you, St. Petersburg?
-Ya would write such abrupt utilitka who quickly so would treat the winchester for mistakes!
-Good fellow, St. Petersburg! And you, Eugene? I would make
-A such program which quickly and without glitches squeezed files!
-Clear head, Eugene! And you, Billey that you are silent?
-Well, anything-anything!... Will be to all of you quickly, will be to you without glitches...

*****

The American geologists found some Arab state over a new field of the American oil...

*****

The American children came back home from Russia where spent vacation in children's camp of friendship. Mother asks syna:
-As you, without knowing language, communicated with the Russian children?
-Yes that you, mummy. Common language, a metal plate fly, we at once, a pancake, found.

*****

- American children grow up early and go from their parents. They went to even earlier - but prevents the cord.

*****

The American scientists and geologists found some Arab country over a large American oil field.

*****

The American spies who were trained at the CIA best schools and thrown under various legends on confidential
rossiyskiye of the enterprise long could not understand why every time when the equipment on confidential
proizvodstve refuses, all from the simple master to the head of plant pass to English and Your Bunny
Wrote shout!!!

*****

The American businessman addresses to the young man achieving the courier's place: - We need
soobrazitelny, the fast and strong courier. Whether you correspond to these qualities? - I think, what yes. A minute ago I am
vybrosil from a reception of five other applicants for this place.

*****

The American journalist interviews group of Iraqis. - How you lived at the time of Saddam Hussein's board?
- We were angry and hungry. - And how do you feel now, during the power of Americans?
- Angry, hungry, but deeply grateful.

*****

The American journalist, interviewing the English writer, put feet on a table, but right there bethought and sprosil:
-Forgive, you are not confused by my habit?
-O is not present, do not worry! Can put all four feet on a table...

*****

The American correspondent asks Zyuganova:
-Mr. Syuganoff, vi the member of CPSU?
-Who - I am a member!? Yes I am her brain!

*****

The American sailor raped the Black woman and speaks ey:
-Be proud, I presented you the best Hong Kong syphilis. The Black woman answers it, gnusavya:
-we Will look whose is stronger.