Jokes about holidays

Read funny Jokes about New Year

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- I celebrated this new year on Hawaii: around suntanned girls, the sea, plyazh.
- And I in India: astride an elephant, friendly indianki.
- And I too with you noted new year heat, fruit, the house in kitchen, only did not smoke!

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- I read about harm of alcohol and smoking very much that since New year solved brosit.
-What exactly: to drink or smoke? To Read
-.

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I want that in new year under a fir-tree, instead of fantastic small animals, was very much - many half liter bubbles!

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January 1. Evening. In the apartment it is distributed telephone zvonok.
khozyain which fell asleep after rough New Year's festival not so long ago, breaks a tube and shouts in nee:
-What moron rings sixteen o'clock in the morning?!!!

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On January 1 the girl came home in the morning. Mother strictly asks ee:
-With whom all night long gadded?
-C Father Frost, - discontentedly answers the daughter, razdevayas.
-As it is not a shame to you, - to be unsteady with the old man? It is not known that it is possible to expect from them...
- Unfortunately, anything, except candies, mother...

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January 1. In the apartment phone call is distributed. The owner who fell asleep after rough New Year's festival not so long ago, is enough a tube and shouts in neyo:
-What moron rings seventeen o'clock in the morning?!

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January 1. It is time to rise to have supper.

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January 1. Parents call on telefonu:
- The Sonny how New year met? The son with pokhmelya:
- And I did not meet him! He came.

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On January 1, 4 o'clock in the morning. The hostess doma:
-Something became boring... Go, dear visitors though we will wash ware!

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- Why you decided to become a dentist? You wanted byt
proktologom! Whether you See
-... Each person has 32 teeth and only one back pass.

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- You should not drink strong coffee. As will drink come v
vozbuzhdeniye, begin nervnichat.
-you do not know the doctor as I am nervous when to me give zhidkiy
kofe.

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- Yes - and- And, the patient, I am afraid, we should meet often now...
- it is not necessary to be afraid, the doctor, you too were pleasant at once to me...

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- And now, the patient, bend koleno.
-In what party, the doctor?

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Whether and you know, what superstitious surgeons at the end of operation leave a coin that that returned still in the patient's stomach?...

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- And here the doctor prescribed my friend medical starvation... Also know, how many money he saved? And was enough for a funeral, and for nine days, and for forty days remained...

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The mechanic in garage digs in the motor, changing the valve, and sees going by kardiokhirurga.
-Hey, the doctor why so - I change the valve in the motor and after that the motor fyrchit as the newcomer. You too change the valve in the motor. Why you take so much money for the same work? You try it to make
-A on the working engine...

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Akusher.
samy the doctor respected in medicine. He provides employment to all other doctors.

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- Alcohol, source of many troubles. Many cases kogda
Wife are known leave the husband because he pyet.
- And how many specifically it is necessary to drink for this purpose?

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Allergolog.
samy pro-active doctor. He is absolutely sure (and it should be noted, it has on that bases) that all inhabitants of this planet are his patients. Therefore the main goal in life of the allergist is to find at you an allergy, so far you did not run away from him.

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- Hallo, doctor! You can make me the diagnosis by phone?
- is good! Undress!

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- Hallo! The doctor, come soon! My wife has an appendicitis attack!
- Well you! I to your wife cut out appendicitis three years ago. The person cannot have a new appendix!
- But at the person can appear the new wife!

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- Hallo, doctor?
- Yes, I you slushayu.
- The Doctor, I according to your advice bought an enema, and what with it to do?
- Thrust it to yourself into a bum!
- fine you have a doctor, probably, mood now bad, I will call back later.

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- Hallo, policlinic? I can make an appointment with the doctor?
- Can, but we have a turn on polgoda.
- And from where patients know, than they will be ill in half a year?

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- Hallo, fast? Come soon! At my wife white goryachka.
-As you defined?
- Here the full room of devils, and she does not see them!!!

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The anesthesiologist before operation asks at starika-patsiyenta:
-to you, the grandfather, what anesthesia which is more expensive or cheaper?
DED:
-to me, the sonny, something cheap, pension absolutely malenkaya.
-to Bai - bayushki-bayu...

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Anesteziolog.
ochen useful doctor. It does so that you felt nothing. And if he is mistaken is even to the best. In this case you more will already feel nothing.

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Drugstore. The buyer, showing on packing with dried zvepoboyem:
- The Girl, y you a St. John's Wort fresh?
ppodavshchitsa, sapkasticheski:
-Yesterday's!.

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The druggist brings up to date young praktikanta:
- And from this bottle we pour, when the recipe absolutely illegible...

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The granny comes to the doctor to inspection. The doctor examined it speaks:
-Something a heart at you weak … Know that, do not go home on a ladder poka.
through month the granny passes repeated inspection. Doktor:
-Well here! The heart got stronger, can again on a ladder home go!
- Well at last, and that, is small, zadolbatsya so in a window to climb sewer!

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Two doctors talk. One very much rasstroyen.
-Lechil the patient from an ulcer, and opening showed rak.
-Eto nonsense. Here I treated month the person from zheltukhi.
okazalsya the Chinese.

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Two talk psikhiatra:
-Tell, the colleague how you manage to communicate with patients without irritation?
- Well, I simply imagine that they have instead of the head a fly agaric, and in hands a balalaika.

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Three old men talk. The first speaks:
- to me 82 years, I cannot Pee - all morning on it leaves. Stones probably.
vtoroy continues:
-A to me 85 years. It is impossible to Pokakat normally - all morning on it leaves. Lock.
trety triumphantly concludes:
-A to me 87 years, and I have no such problems - exactly in seven mornings I pisat, exactly in seven thirty I crap. And exactly in eight I wake up.

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The blonde asks the doctor: Tell
- the doctor, how it? You know
-, it in a serious condition, it has an extensive heart attack, fractures...
-Ya I can talk to it?
- Is not present. If you want to tell something to it, tell me, I will transfer. Then ask
- it, whether I passed examination for the rights?

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God heard that in policlinics on Earth nablyudayetsya
plokhoye the attitude towards patients. Became angry, reshil
lichno to check everything and to punish the guilty. The earth Spustilsya
na, the white dressing gown came into the first policlinic,
natyanul and shrank on reception instead of vracha.
pervym on a wheelchair the patient with paralyzed nogami.
bog to it came around speaks: "Get up - and go! "
patsiyent rose and left from kabineta.
ochered to it - well as the new doctor there?
patsiyent: "And... same, as all! Even did not measure pressure!"

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The main thing not to cure the rich patient, - the main thing longer not to allow to die.

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The boxer suffering from insomnia on reception at vracha.
the Doctor advises: "Going to bed, do mental arithmetic: one, two, tri
i will not fall asleep yet".
- It not for me, at account 9 I jump on feet.

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The hospital No. 389 after long and unsuccessful popytok
nayti the cleaner is transformed to mud baths.

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Hospital. The nurse approaches the doctor and speaks:
- The Doctor, to the patient from the 6th chamber everything is worse and worse. The doctor s
vozmushcheniyem explains to the nurse, what so it is impossible to speak - slishkom
pessimistichno.
-It is necessary to speak so, - the doctor, - the patient from the 6th palaty
dumayet continues that to it everything is worse and huzhe.
na the next day the nurse again approaches to doktoru:
- The Doctor, the patient from the 6th chamber thinks that he died...

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Hospital. The man comes to the chief physician (woman) and asks it: "The girl, your needles will not be?". "All questions to the sister" - the chief physician answers. "To the sister, to the sister... bl@d, she at me on Sakhalin lives!"