Anecdotes about the job

Read funny Jokes about doctors

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In hospital, in double chamber, two hopeless patients lay.
U them were absolutely identical beds, absolutely equal conditions...
raznitsa was only that one of them could see the only thing in
palate a window,
A another - no, but at it was near the button of a call of the nurse. There was
time,
smenyalis seasons... That lay at a window, told the neighbor of
obo everything,
chto saw there: that on the street it is raining, pours snow or the sun,
chto shines trees that are covered by the light sparkling lace, covered by easy
vesenney
dymkoy, cleaned by greens or a farewell yellow-scarlet dress... That to
PO Street
lyudi go, there go cars... That there is a WORLD. And once there was so,
chto to the first,
tomu who lay at a window, became bad at night. He asked the neighbor to cause
medsestru, but
tot for some reason did not make it. And the patient lying at a window died.
Ha brought the next day other patient to chamber, and the old resident asked,
raz so turned out, to put it at a window. Its request was satisfied -
I he saw
nakonets... That the window comes to a blank gray wall, and except it anything
ZA is not visible to them. He was silent some time, and then asked the
novogo of the neighbor: You Know
-... if to me it becomes bad at night...
NE call the nurse.
VOT after all to what brings envy!

*****

In bolnitse:
-Open a mouth and tell: AAAAA …

*****

In hospital the doctor on duty together with medsestroy.
vrach comes into chamber: - Who these patients, and from where?
medsestra: - That with a hand fracture, fell from the motorcycle. What with the punched skull - is delivered directly with stroyki.
vrach: - And that in a corner which all in bruises and grazes, from where it was brought?
medsestra: - And this came!
VRACH: - How itself??? Who is he?
medsestra: - It is the advertizing agent, came to us with new rascheskami.
vrach: - And what happened?
medsestra: - Well our chief physician bald... and it had a lousy mood yesterday!

*****

In hospital there was a fire. After the end of suppression the brandmeyoster reports on the doctor: Unfortunately, did not do without the victims. On the first floor from 10 sick two it was not succeeded to pump out. Chief physician: Yes you on the first floor extinguished a mortuary!

*****

In hospital morning round. The doctor comes into chamber and asks:
-Petrov here?
-Ya!
- As surname?

*****

Took the person with a head injury to hospital. The nurse fills history bolezni:
- The Surname?... Age?... Are married?
- Is not present. Road accident.

*****

The patient from the patient nogoy.
posle difficult operation a foot was taken to hospital it was succeeded to rescue, the patient - no...

*****

The person with slovami:
-comes into hospital chamber Who made tests of such number?
-Ya handed over, - answers bolnoy
-What growth at you?
- Meter sixty pyat
chelovek turns and leaves. Sick vsled:
-Doctor and how my analyses?
-Ya not the doctor. I am a carpenter.

*****

Fight for life of the patient was won by doctors. Life receded.

*****

In 2004 in the world for plasticity of a breast and on viagra it is spent in 80 times more of means, than for researches of Alzheimer's disease...
If a tendency will proceed, in 30 years all in the world will be with huge boobs and an iron erection - but will not be capable to remember why it to them everything is necessary.

*****

The doctor specified the surname in the column "cause of death".

*****

- To what institute admit without examinations?
-B Sklifosovsky's Institute.

*****

The shivering patient enters an office of the doctor and at once aggressively zayavlyaet:
-Only do not say that I drink much!
- Well you, - quietly answers the doctor, - simply you have a little a snack.

*****

In an office with an inscription "Logopedist" shy pushes the head the man and asks:
-Mona?
-He Mona, and Nong! - the logopedist answers.

*****

The Doctor enters an office of the therapist zhenshchina:
-, I at you did not leave a bra?
-NET.
- Then to an izvinta. Means, at the oculist...

*****

The huge man rushes into an office of the urologist and from a threshold shouts:
- the Doctor at me does not get up!!!
starenky the doctor having scaredly looked round asks:
-A of whom you here actually eb@t gathered?!

*****

In the stomatologist's office the probationer deletes two hours to the patient nerv.
patsiyent does not maintain and speaks:
-Give me a drill, I at least will be able to be protected!.

*****

In the apartment phone calls. The man takes the call and slyshit:
-Darling, at us was born the son!
- My God as I am happy! And who tells it???

*****

In clinic there is an operation on rejuvenescence. Operate without anesthesia. Po
mere how there is time, the patient starts behaving everything uneasier i
nakonets loudly to cry. The doctor calms ego:
-Operation already comes to an end, in a minute pain prekratitsya.
-I cry not with pain, - the patient answers. - I am afraid to be late in school!

*****

In a corridor of hospital the chief physician will come across the pale person in one sheet running on koridoru.
-In what business, sick? Why you ran away from the operational?
- the Doctor, only put me on a table, the nurse let's calm: "Do not worry, please, removal of appendicitis - operation simple... "
- Well and what?
-A that she told it not to me, and that young surgeon with a scalpel!

*****

In a summer housing estate the dog of one of vacationers suffered in skirmish with a porcupine. The summer resident addressed for the help to local vetepinapu.
-From you $100 - the veterinarian declared, having made necessary pomoshch.
-Da Va in the right mind - the summer resident exclaimed - grow fat here when we come to have a rest. Use what is no place to address!!! Here that you that do in the winter
A when we are not present?
- As that! We grow up porcupines.

*****

At medical institute professor gives lecture about obmorozhenii:
- At frostbite of extremities it is necessary to pound immediately them snow...
golos with back ryadov:
- And in the summer, in the summer than to pound?

*****

In the new edition the Hippocratic Oath begins with words: "Only in the presence of the insurance policy".

*****

In Odessa poliklinike:
- The Doctor, help! Make so that I had children. Understand, my grandfather had no children, my father had no children...
- As it was not? And you from where?
-Ya - from Berdichev!

*****

In one hospital decided to resort to an innovation and instead of inscriptions on doors to draw the directing pictures.
Tak, on a door of an office of the oculist was drawn a door peephole, on the traumatologist's door - the split nut, the door of the psychotherapist was painted in mad bright colors and so on. The gynecologist's
dver simply left slightly slightly opened.

*****

At the Oxford university unique operation on change of a bladder from a dog to the person is made. The amusing manner to lift up a foot very much amuses British.

*****

In operatsionnoy.
- The Assistant, will be enough meat home to cut!

*****

In operational the hospital attendant run rolls a wheelchair, on it under a sheet - something shapeless, in krovi.
-Very hard case! The motorcyclist, was smashed...
khirurg (putting on gloves): - Anything, now pochinim.
idet operation. Surgeon komanduyet:
-Scalpel... clip... tampon... flat-nose pliers... screw-driver... a key on twelve...
operation is ended. The door operational is slightly opened, the surgeon is shown, unmasks, wipes a forehead. It is visible, what he tired and dovolnyy.
ego sprashivayut:
-Well, the patient will live? I do not know
- About the patient, but I to myself assembled the motorcycle!

*****

In chamber of the patient the call is distributed. The attending physician calls:
- Hello. I have to afflict you.
- That such?
- The matter is that by results of your inspections at you is revealed
sifilis, itch, tuberculosis, belly and sypny typhus, a tulyaremiya, yellow fever, hepatitis A and C, dysentery, measles, an ugly face, AIDS, gonorrhea and cutting deprive...
- You do not say so!!! Is that so! Well you though will treat me?!
- Yes, very of course! Certainly! We even already appointed to you a pancake house a diet!
-A it somehow will help me?
- Well... About will help or not I do not know, but it is the only product which creeps under a door.

*****

The attending physician comes into chamber of dystrophic persons and inspects vsekh:
- And where Sidorov?
- It under a bed got, to catch a cockroach...
vdrug from under a bed sounds of fight and the out of breath voice of Sidorova:
-Aaa, so you to me also to break hands!?!?!...

*****

The doctor with a notebook, after it - the hospital attendant with an axe comes into chamber. The doctor stops at the patient's bed, thumbs through a notebook, reads:
- So. with, Ivanov... Amputation of the left foot.
sanitar - gets an axe,
VRACH BALE - is puzzled on the hospital attendant: - I told "left"... - the Hospital attendant -
VRACH BALE: "I told "feet"..." - the Hospital attendant -
VRACH BALE in horror looking at the patient: "Stop! yes it at all not Ivanov!"

*****

In paid cardiological clinic of the patient rescued from a heart attack and when he learned the price for treatment, after that would rescue it still raz.
tak and all this proceeded infinitely, if not accumulative system of discounts.

*****

In polikilnike:
- The Patient, you used a condom at the last sexual contact?
- the Doctor why you so ominously said the word "last"?

*****

In poliklinike:
- And now bend koleno.
-In what party, the doctor?

*****

In a bed the man and the woman after that lie...
zheshchina asks ego:
"you incidentally not anasteziolog? "
muzhchina with astonishment otvechayet:
" As you guessed? "I felt nothing
" A!"

*****

In a reception of maternity hospital two men complain the friend drugu:
-So offensively that it was the share just of our holiday! - odin
- And what then to tell
speaks to me? We because of it prervali
svadebnoye travel...

*****

The reception is run in patsiyent:
-by Aaaaaaa, the doctor, what it at me??! At
-Taak, now we will look... The Aaaaaaaaa, what it at you??!

*****

Brought the girl punk with symptoms of appendicitis to an accident ward. It almost without sozaniye from pain. When its began to prepare for operation and divide, it was found out that at it hair on a pubis are painted in green color, and there is a tattoo slightly above: "Not to trample down a grass!" .
posle operations the surgeon on her dressing gown attached a note: "Sorry, it was necessary to cut a lawn".

*****

In psychiatric bolnitse.
- And this patient - the selector. He tries to cross a breadfruit tree with drozhzhevym.
- And what he wants to receive?
- As that? Moonshine!