Jokes about holidays

Read funny Jokes about New Year

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On New Year's Eve all eighteen-year-old girls guess...
A in thirty understand that did not guess.

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On New Year's Eve were declared to the citizen Egumnov home Father Frost with Snegurochkoy.
egumnov opened for them. Father Frost on a head - hryas! They took away with the Snow Maiden, according to Egumnov, champagne, cognac, red-black caviar, oranges with lemons - and were washed away. The citizen Egumnov not the fool, calls in militsiyu.
te perform the operation "Interception", take away pieces two hundred Fathers Frost with Snow Maidens, find at them cognac, champagne, red-black caviar, oranges with lemons, return all this to the victim...
vstrecha of New year was successful.

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On New Year's Eve a call to service spaseniya:
-Help to choose a suit!
- Is not present problems...
-U me problem: I bald also go on wooden proteze.
-Hm. Be the monk. The wooden foot will be hidden by a cassock, and a bald head that that is necessary! I do not want
- the monk!
- Then be the pirate! The bald head will be hidden by a cocked hat, and a wooden foot that that is necessary! I do not want
- the pirate! Listen to
-, the man! Pour out to yourself on a bald head a glass to honey, and thrust a wooden foot into a bum! You will be Chupa Chups!

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Under new year half-drunk bees ruined a den of the sleeping bear, thus vykrikivaya:
-Love tags, love also a chill!

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On New Year's Eve to the Chechen boy living in refugee camp in Ingushetia Father Frost came...
- Oh, Father Frost!
- Yes, my boy, it I... And now I will execute your most cherished dream... Speak! I will make everything!
- Lovely Father, here you after all know that now in Chechnya war... Make so that it not bylo.
nu, the grandfather, naturally, mutters something, knocks a staff on a floor. Then joyfully vosklitsayet:
-I Executed your dream, the boy! There is no more Chechnya!

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Under New Year's peal of bells Vadim with a smile upon the face always thought that whose desires did not come true.

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On the Christmas eve in a Black family knock in dver:
-Who is distributed there?
- It I, Ku Klus. fie you, Santa Claus.

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- What presented to you for New year? You See
-, under a window a Mercedes the 600th, biryuzovovy?
-Aga! Cool wheelbarrow!!
- Here just the same color cap...

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The girlfriend - podruge:
- And we met New Year in posteli.
- And was to the people much?

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Entrance, on January 1, morning. The floor spat, covered with splinters of bottles and the crushed bull-calves. All this picturesquely covers confetti … with
raspakhivayetsya a door of one of apartments. On a threshold there is Something, in a jumpsuit, with the swelled-up person and shchelochkami-eyes. Having taken of the adjacent territory a view and a deep sigh having heaved, bends down, stirs a small group of bull-calves, finds whole, lights and, being blissfully tightened, izrekayet:
-Eh, x-sho …
raspakhivayetsya a door opposite. In an aperture there is one more Something, something imperceptibly looking like the first. Ritual repeats. Sigh, search of a bull-calf and blissful "Eh" …
pervoye Chudo:
-of Pryvt …
vtoroye Chudo:
-of Pryvt …
pervoye Chudo:
-Snvy godm?
vtoroye Chudo:
-I tya …
pervoye Chudo:
-A your Ninka still sleeps?
vtoroye Chudo:
-You che, idiot? Ninka is I!
pervoye Chudo:
-A-a-a … Ugu … And MINE too sleeps …

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While guests were going for the street to meet New year, the drunk sapper Petrov in a corner managed to clear of mines all petards.

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I remember, somehow time in the childhood, on New Year's Eve, I cut out many beautiful snowflakes from a father's grist. Therefore milk teeth at me dropped out much earlier, than at contemporaries...

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The little boy got to the Christmas fairy tale. There is it on a winter forest and comes to a big snow-covered glade. In the middle of a glade there is Father Frost and, holding the Snow Maiden for a braid, the Grandfather swings it over golovoy.
-, - the boy speaks, - release it, with it it is sick!
- is not sick with It, - the grandfather, - it dead wearily answers!

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It would already be time to reflect, where to spend night since December 31 for January 14.

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After a stormy New Year's Eve the Snow Maiden awakes zakhmelevshego
deda with Moroza:
-Wake up early in the morning, old! You that in a dream so loudly groan?
- dreamed Me here such Snowman! - showing a thumb, Ded answers Moroz.
-do not mold the humpbacked! Who such, I know it?
- Well, we to it in a dream under a table got acquainted.

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After a meeting of New year the wife argues with the husband to whom from them to wash the dishes. The wife speaks:
-Let's wash the dishes in turn now! This year your turn.

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After a meeting of New Goda.
-of Madam, you could not show me a way home?
- I Can... From where you know
-A where I live? We that, are familiar with you?
- Become silent, the moron! I am your wife!

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After N - ache glasses of vodka the dude pours a glass of port and drinks off. Pours the second and number it is howled also it to send after the first. The second dude, behind these actions observing it is fair voproshayet:
-Dima, and you remember how last New year you after port terribly vomited?
- Well and what?! I and this time so will be!

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After a New Year tree in kindergarten the father speaks synu:
- The Sonny, you already big, have to understand that no Father Frost is present. It was ya.
-Yes, I know. After all the stork is too you.

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The last words of the Grandfather of Moroza:
-Everything, children, gifts came to an end …

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Look attentively at bin Laden's photo. Now you understand where Father Frost hides in the summer...

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Put a hare - the supply manager of the wood. Well under new year animals everything gathered - it is necessary to decorate a Christmas tree, and the hare does not give a fir-tree, is strict painfully. Well animals instigated a fox, a pier you the most cunning, here and ask for a hare. The fox to zaytsu:
- The Hare, the sun comes, give me a fir-tree....
- of Nizzya, blin.
-Hare, well the small...
- Told, che nizzya and a point!
- the Hare, well is possible though I will take a nap? A hare, having thought...
- Well. Take a nap that nobody saw, take a birch and go...

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Why Santa Claus carries gifts one, and Father Frost - with the Snow Maiden?
- of Feature national Haraktera.
santa-Claus after a meeting of New Year itself will get home, and someone has to drag Father Frost.

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The holiday of new year is the dinner which is coming to an end with a breakfast...

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New Year's Eve party at office of firm. All already accepted, danced, and especially advanced, retired...
IZ of a corner are audible voices of two young sotrudnikov:
-Ah, Kolya, Kolya... You never loved me so well... MMM... AAA... Likely, it because soon holiday?
- Is not present, - the young man confusedly answers, - it is rather because I - Without pricking.

*****

The Snow Maiden resorts to Father Frost all in slezakh:
- The Grandfather, I a nikod will not be able to test an orgasm!
- Yes why, foolish?!
- Well as - me neighbour's women told that they from an orgasm simply thaw!

*****

New Year's holidays come nearer. The man who is in business trip decided to send to the wife podarok.
ona receives a parcel, opens it, and in it - stockings on which one "foot" it is written "happy New Year", and on another - "with Christmas". Then the wife sends to the husband the telegram of the following soderzhaniya:
"Thanks for a gift. I hope, you will arrive to see me between two holidays".

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Father Frost comes to Orphanage. Jumps dances generally all are happy! Wipes boots and it is quiet ukhodit.
deti:
- The Grandfather, where you?
DED Moroz:
-To Siberia - Home!
DETI:
-A as gifts? Understand
DED Moroz:
-! Time came to believe in the parents!

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Father Frost to the psychiatrist and speaks:
- The Doctor comes, help! I do not believe in myself.

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The man comes to shop, to choose to the wife a gift for New year. Also speaks prodavshchitse:
-Show me it... And is not present, it not the takoy...
-A of wons that... And is not present, this expensive... This
-A... And is not present, this cheap...
- the Girl, and here if you were my wife, what you would like?
- of Other husband!

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One man after New Year's and other holidays comes to get a job. Settled. The colleague on office drives it, shows where - as as. At the end of round the man asks: - And where at you smoke?
kollega:
-U us not kuryat.
muzhik (with astonishment):
- Why?
kollega (conspiratorially): We are afraid of
- The reek of alcohol will detonate.

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Drunk Father Frost comes to children's home. Children grandfather-domovsky attacked it. He throws a bag and ubegayet.
pripolzayet to a bag the boy, - without hands and without feet, takes a gift and creeps away on a bed. Opens a gift, and there skakalka.
- The Devil, a jump rope!!!

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The grandfather Gandalf came somehow to hobbityata for New Year. Songs sang, round dances drove. Then the grandfather and speaks:
- The Fir-tree, be lit!
A a fir-tree is not lit. It snova:
- The Fir-tree, be lit!
bezrezultatno. Then the grandfather became angry and skomandoval:
-Naur of Anne Adriat amine!
pozhar only by the morning extinguished...

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It was necessary to get a new template for sms: "Thanks, and you happy New Year. And it who?"...

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The program of telecasts on 1 yanvarya:
20:00 - "Good morning! "
20:30 - Total release novostey
20:33 - "Good night, kids!"

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The Snow Maiden after New year wakes up, and to Ded Hear Morozu:
-, the grandfather, after yesterday's nothing pomnyu.
-Well when to kids came to a fir-tree, you already were drunk, then couple more of glasses of a namakhnul, and I began a striptease tantsevat.
- And I think, che at me full cowards of candies

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By the simplest shift of letters from the Snow Maiden both epic Ognesruchka, and absolutely politically incorrect Negrosuchka.
a can turn out the wish Happy New Year turns into brutal Shit with a smoke!

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Drunk Father Frost becomes hollow in komnatu:
-Hello, children! Guess, what I brought to you?
- Gifts! Gifts!
- was not guessed Here. I in some snowdrift obronil.
radost I brought a bag with gifts to you! Now I will climb on a stool and to you vesyolye
pesenki I will sing also rhymes to read!

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Two talk alkogolika:
-Hear, Vovan, speak, for New Year in sobering-up station there will be considerable discounts...
ET che, will serve us almost free of charge?
- Fool you, Tolyan!!! It means that we should chip in together for them considerably!!!