Jokes about holidays

Read funny Jokes about New Year

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Such it is possible only in Russia: to meet New year on old style in the middle of the winter on summertime and knee-deep in water... :)

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- What is the full loneliness?
- when you do not wish It even in letters with spam a Happy New Year!

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Telephone zvonok.
-Hello, it is possible to order Father Frost?
- Yes. how many it will cost
-A?
- 100 baksov.
-Thanks. And when it can be seen?
- Never, you just ordered it!

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The telephone survey conducted next morning after December 31 yielded the following results: 2 percent of respondents answered "yes" to ; 3 percent - "hallo" ; other 95 percent found it difficult to answer.

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Telephone conversation under New god:
-Hallo, is insurance company? Tell, we can insure the house by phone?
- Is not present, it is impossible. Now we will send the representative, and he will conclude with you soglasheniye.
-Well, send. Only hurry up, and that at us already burns down a fir-tree and the carpet starts smoking!

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Subjects for conversation yanvarya:
-it is How useful to sleep 1-faced in Russian salad?
-of Russian salad - a cosmetic face pack or after all salad? Whether
- the Truth, what mayonnaise from Russian salad smoothes wrinkles?

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Three stages of a growing muzhchiny:
1. He believes in Ded to Moroza
2. He does not believe in Ded to Moroza
3. He is Father Frost

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Three new Russians tell, what pyrotechnics presented to children on New GOD:
-I to the bought five boxes of crackers...
-A I five boxes of petards... I to the rocket bought
-A, current, a pancake, some astronauts in loading gave!.

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You for new year with us?
;: and what conditions?
Xxx: well on piece and gotovit
xxx: or on two and nothing delat
xxx: though. You can on three and not come

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Our administrators by new year hanged out on a fir-tree of pieces of 10 Wi-Fi points of access (instead of sparks) and an optical fiber (instead of a rain and tinsel). Through these points there is a traffic without restrictions and a proxy, dazh without protocols. Therefore now at us at office it is possible to hear often plaintive "A fir-tree, burn!", because this miracle from the server joins. It is called "the Residence of Father Frost" now.

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At the Armenian radio sprashivayut:
-How to distinguish the Snowman from the Snowman?
- Is very simple, it is necessary to look where kids thrust carrot.

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At all others too two holidays in life - New Year and Friday.

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Asked something from Father Frost?
Selas: Nea. I 10 ask years from a chiming clock and prezidenta.
nutty: I ask from mother and papy.
nutty: But I pound, as from a chiming clock and the president.

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The woman had a parrot who often dropped obscene abuse. For New year before guests came, she hid it far away in the refrigerator and forgot. In the heat of a holiday the hostess asks the little girl to bring compote from guests from the refrigerator. The girl opens the refrigerator and, from surprise having opened a mouth, vskrikivayet:
-Oh, a pingvinchik!
-Hu.nchik!!! - reaches from the refrigerator. - With you, bl.dyam, Father Frost you will become!

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The student has 2 holidays. It is New year and every day.

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We have a tradition: every year on December 31 we with friends go, and on January 1 we cannot any more.

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The lawyer bought a fir-tree from us yesterday and on the way home lost ee
;: cool!
;: on excite?
xxx: not, dropped out of a luggage carrier

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Dear sirs! The MTS company ahead of schedule begins the New Year's stock "The Network Is Occupied". All subscribers, and absolutely free of charge and round the clock participate in an action.

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Dear Father Frost, I would like that mine mother and the father again lived together. Please, look that here it is possible to make. With love, Kostya.
dorogoy Kostya. Listen, it is impossible to make here already anything: your father lives now with your former nurse which is young and devilishly sexual. Really you think, what it is going to return to your frigid mummy who constantly punches to it brains? Time came to leave such dreams. Give instead, I will better send you the quite good designer of Lego. Father Frost.

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- Calm down, the citizen, it at you not in eyes appears doubled. Simply the Snow Maiden got sick at the last minute, it was necessary to replace with her second Father Frost...
- Children, but you four...

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Morning, on January 1. Round in city hospital. The doctor is included into chamber, Ivanov looks in spisok:
-here?
-Ya.
-As surname?

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Morning 1 yanvarya.
na table note: Happy New Year!
P.S. A brine in holodilnike.
p.p.s. The refrigerator in kitchen.

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In the morning on the first of January from the nursery Mother is distributed krik:
-, you promised that Father Frost will present table football to me! And under a fir-tree anything is not present!
- Yes do not shout you so! I because of you missed the goal.

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In the morning on January 1 all shops opened. but visitors were not... and only after a lunch children stretched with notes

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The teacher asks children whom they want to be. Who speaks - the doctor, who - the astronaut, who - the firefighter... And Vovochka - Father Frost. Teacher asks:
-But why?
- And therefore! Cool rabotka: week took advantage of the opportunity - and year is free!

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Considering, how many the people came on December 31 to Red Square, at presidential elections Father Frost would pass in the first round.

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The movie "Twist of fate" causes smack of Russian salad in a mouth.

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Father Frost goes, presents displays under a fir-tree. Here behind the little boy and speaks:
-A-a-a-a, here you what, the grandfather Moroz runs up, now I know that you truly exist!
DED Moroz turns around and speaks:
- The Boy, you saw me. I have to kill you.

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- I want such work as at Father Frost! In about 364 days...

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The New Year is closer, the Monday is heavier!

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Than our Father Frost differs from their Santa Claus?
IH always sober and one, and ours always drunk and with some maid.

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To that from the first steps Eskimos of the children teach?
- Yellow snow is it is impossible! Never you eat yellow snow!

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In half an hour there will come New Year. On the become empty streets the couple with full bags hurries home. They will come across on vomiting pyanogo.
-Here see, - the husband reproaches the wife, - people have already fun! And you have all at the last moment!

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Chechnya. On a post there is "greenhorn". The automatic turn is distributed. "Greenhorn" joyfully krichit:
-Companion foreman! To us the terrible bearded Wahhabite crept! But I its it... That!
- Here because of such goats as you, Zhmurov, we without Father Frost celebrate the third New year!

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What to present to you for new year?
;: m... I would like world supremacy =)
xxx: Well. And it will get into limits of 50 rubles?

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That for the amazing country of Russia: New Year starts being met somewhere in the Far East, and finished somewhere under a table.

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The school student at the end chetverti:
-My God as I love New Year's vacation! The fir-tree, m@ndarina, gifts … .
urokov on the house do not set...
I, having a little thought, added: "And I them all the same would not learn that..."

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The economist Petrov who was on a New Year's office party with a video camera, unexpectedly next day for the promise immediately to destroy a disk - the original with video filming, received the following matheral blaga:
-increase in a salary by one and a half times (from the chief),
- the permit to Gelendzhik (from Anna Petrovna - the chairman of trade-union committee),
- of 29567 rubles it everything that was in pockets at Pyotr Ivanovich,
prishedshego yesterday with Anna Petrovna),
- a bottle of the French cognac (from the driver Volodya and bukhgaltershi
galochki),
- a long, promising kiss (from the chief's secretary).

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- This Father Frost mixed everything, - told prizyvnik.
- And what is the matter? - asked him tovarishch.
-before New year Fifteen years ago I asked it to present me a military uniform. And only now I received it.