Anecdotes about the job

Read funny Jokes about doctors

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In a mental hospital two разговаривают:
- Well as to you my novel?
Normally, only characters mnogo.
tut to them shouts medsestra:
-Ey you! Immediately give the telephone directory!

*****

In a study of the chief physician of the Central clinical hospital on a wall Putin's fluorography hangs.

*****

At the height of epidemic the doctor gave record number of injections. In despair on
prikolol to reception doors a note: "For saving of time I ask to enter v
pomeshcheniye the back".

*****

In resuscitation unit of hospital? 6, on the 6th floor, in chamber? 6 on the 6th bed the patient dies in the night from Friday to Saturday. On its place that is quite clear, lodge another. But after a week in resuscitation unit of hospital? 6, on the 6th floor, in chamber? 6 on the 6th bed also he dies in the night from Friday to Saturday. On hospital send peculiar to cynics doctors to a joke floor, say, a place unhappy. But it not an occasion to leave a bed empty in the light of their extreme deficiency therefore there lodge next unfortunate which exactly a week later at night safely follows the two predecessors. After that jokes of doctors began to give fairly nervousness. Someone bought books on occult sciences, but what to do, a bed filled with one more patient. The poor creature died exactly in a week. In fatal night. Jokes of doctors time ended, under the guise of the patient on a bed? 6 put the polutoratsentnerny hospital attendant and on a terrible night from Friday to Saturday the strongest physicians are packaged by a body and spirit on chamber shivering wait for terrible hour...
ITAK, a hand passes for 12... enters into chamber... all in the white...
UBORShchITsA the woman Manya with the vacuum cleaner, pulls out a plug of the medical ventilation apparatus from the socket, inserts the vacuum cleaner there, is carefully moved away....
anekdoty about doctors patalogoanatomov
kak usually tipsy pathologist calls on (office) the classmate an anasteziologa, and between them took place following dialog.
anasteziolog:
-we Will go, I will show you the patients, they will become tvoimi.
patologoanatom:
-Ne-e-e, ik soon. I am afraid of your patients! They move!
anekdoty about the ENT specialist vrachey
prikhodit the man (M) to the ENT SPECIALIST (L):
M: The doctor at me a problem! also throws out on a table red, swelled chlen
l: So probably it is necessary to you to the urologist!!!!!!!!!!!!
M: No, to me to you. We with friends have a tradition to go to a bath...
L: Aaaaaa! To you can it is necessary to the dermatologist!?
M: Is not present to me to you! And so, when we in a bath will drink, we sit down to a table, we spread the members and we turn off the light, and that who drives a huge board, having told OOOOP! claps a board on a table...
L: So it is necessary to you to the psychiatrist!
M: Yes there is no doctor to me to you, all the matter is that this OOOP! I also do not hear!!

*****

In maternity hospital. Bring to young mother of the child, a she - in slezy:
-Well as I will take it? The husband - the brunette, I - too, the child RED!!! The husband will solve that it not from him. No! For anything I will not take!
Ho the skilled old doctor to it speaks:
-Well the darling, calm down. I take the husband on myself - he also is glad budet.
i here the husband comes to take away the child, the doctor withdraws it in storonku:
- The Young man before to show you your boy, I have to set one very important question. Tell honestly, you often sleep with the wife?
TOT otvechaet:
-Every day!
-of Nuuuu... young man... I asked chestno.
husband , potupyas:
-Time in nedelyu.
- The Young man!
TOT absolutely shepotom:
-Once a month...
DOKTOR:
-So! The sister, bear the child... Look that you did the rusty member!

*****

In maternity hospital the nurse asks kollegu:
- These are those four twins who were born today, so loudly shout?
- Is not present, this is their father.

*****

In maternity hospital two newborns lie nearby. One another asks:
- And ti malsik or devatska?
-Ise znyayu. Sitsas posmotlyu. - raises a blanket and looks. - Malsik. I have golubenky tapatsk...

*****

In Russia the strike of doctors proceeds. There are already first results - mortality decreased by 25%.

*****

Whether in the plane on broadcasting objyavlyayut:
-Is not present among passengers of the doctor?
vstayot the man also goes to a cabin. After a while again on translyatsii:
- And whether is not present among the pilot's passengers?

*****

In the dark lane stops the woman grabitel:
- And well undress!!!
ONA takes off from itself expensive outerwear and gives grabitelyu.
tot oret:
-Everything remove from yourself!!! But I hesitate of
-!
- Nothing to hesitate, I am the former doctor!

*****

The proctologist at whom the hand got stuck in the patient comes into fracture clinic. Travmatolog:
- At us fracture clinic, but not puppet theater.

*****

In travmpunkte:
-Help, I stretched a foot!
- You only do not worry - well to whom does not happen...
-Aha, think easily for yourself 4 meters of a foot to drag?!

*****

In private clinic, in connection with an extract, the patient is invited in an office glavvracha.
vrach: We made everything that could, but completely it was not succeeded to cope with your illness - it at you nasledstvennaya.
patsiyent: In that case send the account to my father!

*****

The doctor becomes angry on medcectpu:
-you cannot write the culinary recipes on other paper, but not on my forms?! Again prepared for my patient in a drugstore your foolish goulash!

*****

The doctor - bolnomu:
-you it is necessary immediately opepipovat.
- The Doctor, I do not agree. Better I will die, than I will give myself rezat.
-to One another does not disturb...

*****

The doctor after survey of the patient was very pleased with his state zdopovya.
- And with sex at you, of course, all in an order? - asks vpach.
-Time two week it turns out...
- Two times a week?! Yes with your build and given you three times a day are possible for these to be engaged! I too would like
- bigger, but to the Catholic priest in the small village it is pretty difficult!

*****

Vanechka sits at a lesson and writes nothing. Uchitelnitsa:
-Vanechka! You why do not write down?
vanechka (clicks the handle with a sliding core):
-Mar Vann! Here I will not understand in any way: the handle of a feminine gender, a core - man's and why children are not present?
uchitelnitsa:
-Leave von.
vanechka leaves a class, sits down in a corridor and continues to click the handle. There passes direktor:
-Vanechka, you why not at a lesson?
- Me vygnali.
- And for what?
- Yes here asked a question: the handle of a feminine gender, a core - man's and why children are not present?
direktor takes the handle, long it studies, sorts and at last with relief vosklitsayet:
-Yes after all a spiral here!

*****

- Your pulse, sick fights very slowly...
-A you unless hurry?.

*****

Your illness will pass, - the doctor told, - only you should kazhdyy
vecher take a bath and at once - a pile konyaka.
In some days of the patient all handled to vrachu:
-cognac normally, and here a bath to me does not manage to be taken.

*****

- What is your name?
-Three hundred pyatsesit dva.
-This full?
- Is not present, diminutive.

*****

Venerolog.
edinstvenny the doctor the meeting with which is interfaced though to something pleasant. Yes... For example, with pleasant memories. This is the most honest doctor. It - only to whom you pay for pleasure, even in spite of the fact that gave this pleasure to you not it.

*****

- In the evening, going to sleep, you should leave all the troubles a door, - the psychotherapist advises the patsiyentu.
- And you think, - the patient speaks, - that my wife will agree to sleep on a landing?

*****

Virusolog.
ochen sociable doctor. To it the rare happiness almost daily fell to lot to expand a circle of the communication.

*****

The owner of one of Tel Aviv clinics is compelled to lay down for the operating table. The surgeon of Rabinovich.
-Mister director, the fee has to operate it you have to pay beforehand! - Rabinovich.
-As so, Yakov Moiseevich demands?! In my own clinic?! You do not want
- that during operation at me hands shook with fear, what I will not receive from you not shekel?

*****

During action of" the Prohibition" the patient comes to doktoru:
- The Doctor, you could not write out to me alcohol?
- Young man! Alcohol is written out on the special form, only for treatment snake ukusov.
- And you can make so that I was bitten by a snake? I will return the favor... At
-So, now we will look... At us today that, the tenth of April? Well and so. Come to me on the twentieth of July. Till this time at me already all stings are painted.

*****

During operation the woman unexpectedly recovers and speaks:
"the Doctor, unmask, I recognized you."

*****

In time operatsii:
-Clip!. Scalpel!. Tampon!. Why the patient snores?! Give mne
mnogo tampons!. Here, now it is good.

*****

During operation: "...Спирт...зажим...
спирт...скальпель...тампон...спирт...спирт...спирт
...огурец..."

*****

The truck driver on a frost changes in the winter a wheel on the trailer and uses foul language vslukh:
- The Pancake! Mother spoke to me - study, the sonny, on the gynecologist, always there will be money in a pocket and hands in heat.

*****

Possibilities of medicine are boundless! Possibilities of patients are limited...

*****

Having entered into chamber, the doctor saw the pretty sister who derzhala
za both hands bolnogo.
-Two hands pulse do not check a wrist, the sister, - instructively zametil
vrach.
-Yes I it check not pulse, the doctor, - having been confused, otvetila
devushka, - I constrain his impulse!

*****

- There is a woman whom I love, - the doctor speaks to the priyatelyu.
-So why you do not marry it?
- For financial reasons. She is my best patient.

*****

- Generally I smoke only on pleasures, the doctor...
- Well, two-three cigarettes in a year it is not terrible for health.

*****

Whether the question Armenian radio:
-Can become pregnant the woman at distance?
- Perhaps if from what it becomes pregnant, is more than this distance.

*****

- Here to you medicine, accept on 3 teaspoons 2 times in den.
-But at my place only 2 teaspoons...

*****

Here you write "radiation, radiation...". And our submariners for two-three years on nuclear submarines swim, and anything - their wives give birth to absolutely normal, strong children at this time.

*****

- Here to you sleeping pill on 6 dney.
-But I do not want to sleep so long!

*****

- This for fatigue, it - from a nervous tension, and it - from depressii.
-Thanks, the doctor, thanks... And you, except vodka, do not have anything any more?

*****

Vrach:
- The Patient, be prepared, it will be now a little unpleasant... Are ready?
C you 50 thousand!