Anecdotes about the job

Read funny Jokes about doctors

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The doctor asks at patsiyenta:
-As you sleep?
- is bad, the doctor. I fall asleep early in the evening, I wake up late in the morning, but after a lunch for hours I turn - I cannot fall asleep.

*****

The doctor asks at posetitelya:
-you already addressed to somebody?
-Ya consulted with aptekarem.
-I Represent, what nonsense it to you posovetoval.
-It advised to address to you.

*****

The doctor asks the patient:
- You why such sad?
- Yes here, the doctor - You promised that I will grow thin - and fat will turn into slags and will leave an organism...
- Well is correct, and what?
- And so - these slags did not leave, and settled in a bum - and now it as stone!!!... And here still these children!
- What children?!
- Yes pupils! Earlier they on a chair of the button enclosed to me, and now walnuts!

*****

The trichologist - patsiyentu:
-I with your bald head will be able to make nothing. Address to the surgeon. It will cut down so that hair were enough for the rest.

*****

Doctor: "Eeee, old man, and you from where knew already before elections what 146% of voters and 63% - will vote for Putin? You consider it normal?"

*****

The doctor was called to the patient concerning sharp pains. It arrived,
proshel to it to the room. A minute later left and asked dat
molotok. In a couple of minutes - a chisel. Then - pincers,
otvertku, flat-nose pliers... In alarm the husband asks:
- The Doctor and what you do with my wife there?
-C your wife of anything, I cannot open a small suitcase s
instrumentami.

*****

Vrachevatel:
2000 BC - On, eat this koreshok.
1000 AD - These backs - sorcery! Read a prayer!
1850 of AD - These prayers - silly superstition! Drink this mixture!
1940 of AD - These mixtures - usual charlatanism! Take this pill!
1985 of AD - These tablets are inefficient! Accept this antibiotic!
2008 of AD - These antibiotics - a poison! On, eat this back.

*****

Time, of course, treats more long, than doctors. But also cripples not so quickly.

*****

- Time heals all diseases ...
- Now I understand why in our clinic always have to wait so long.

*****

All western mass media unanimously recognized that the products "AXE ORTHOPEDIC" and "CROWBAR STOMATOLOGIC" offered by the Russian medical industry are unique and have no competitors.

*****

World symposium of doctors-proctologists. It is opened by the well-known academician such slovami:
-Misters! To me huge honor to open the world symposium of doctors-proctologists dropped out! Sorry, that I to you the person!

*****

The world congress vrachey.
vstayet Vrach-amerikanets:
-V America the medicine promoted so far that already today we can implant a kidney to the patient - and in two weeks it will be able already to work!
VRACH-nemets:
-V Germany we can take a kidney from one person, replace to another and in a week both of them will go to work!
vstayet Russian doktor:
-Podumayesh, surprised! Here we invented such alcoholism medicine that if to introduce it, the next day half of Russia will be able already to work!

*****

2 proctologists meet. Speaks to one another: You Know
-, our chief of department has a megalomania! It you took
-C of that? He tells
-A yesterday: "I will go to church, I will deliver a candle to God!"

*****

- Yesterday, that did not smell as vodka, gave an enema!
- Well and how?
- of a foot shiver Today and the bum breaks up...

*****

- You handled it to somebody? asks vrach
posetitelya.
-Yes, to aptekaryu.
-I Represent what nonsense he advised to you!
- Yes, it advised to address to you.

*****

- Why you so worry because of trifles? - the old doctor of the young learns. - You have to remember that 90% of diseases pass by itself, and the others do not recover at all...

*****

- You have to take this medicine up to the end zhizni.
-But, the doctor, is written here: "To accept within two months"! I as told
-A...???

*****

- You know, the doctor, means, what you prescribed me last time, pomoglo.
-Well I can tell? Happens...

*****

- Why are you crying? I have not even touched your zuba.
- How ?! You are still going to and touch it?

*****

- Do you smoke? - Asks vrach.
- No. Just kill time.
- What is in front of you done?

*****

- What can you tell about our health care?
Here which year it works under devizom:
"Hard in treatment - easily in paradise..."

*****

- Why you refuse to make a privika from smallpox?
- After it died mine dedushka.
-Of smallpox?
- Is not present, fell from the 7th floor.

*****

- You brought not urine on the analysis, and apple sok.
-That I gave to the son in school???!!!!

*****

- You prescribed me candles from hemorrhoids, I already exhausted three packs, and effect any!!!! Yes that utter
-, three packs? yes you eat them perhaps?
- is not present b%ya, probably I insert into an ass!!!!!

*****

- Why do not you drink pharmaceuticals?
- They protivnye.
- Do you drink medications and think that it's better konyak.
- I drink cognac drink and think that drug.

*****

- You are too strained, you need to relax... I for example v
takikh cases take the wife, I go to restaurant...
- Thanks for council the doctor, I and will make. Where there lives Vasha
Wife?

*****

- How you sleep?
- is bad. I fall asleep early in the evening, I wake up late in the morning, but
posle a lunch for hours I turn - I cannot fall asleep.

*****

- How do you sleep?
- Prevoskhodno.
- And who do you work?
- night watchman.

*****

- You are sure that one small bottle will be enough that helped?
- Is sure, anybody did not complain yet.

*****

- It you urologist?
-Ya UFOLOGIST!
-A what difference? I am engaged in aliens in
-Ya!
- It as?
- Well newcomers from other planets...
- Is type?.
- Well Mars, Venus...
- Then I is exact to you!
-C than?
-C venereal!

*****

Having listened to me, my psychoanalyst registered in reception to the.

*****

There is a stomatologist an office where remained to lie the patient, and nervously goes here and there, fingering a chin. Lit, but right there threw out a cigarette in a window. The nurse asks it:
- That happened? Difficult case?
stomatolog answers:
- the Hardest - at the client of bucks to a horse-radish, and all teeth healthy...

*****

There are policlinic a stomatologist, the pathologist and ginekolog.
stomatolog:
-My God, air! Fresh air!
patologoanatom:
-People! Living people!
ginekolog:
-I of the person! PERSONS!!!

*****

Gastroenterologist and diyetolog.
absolyutno useless product of progress. To the middle of the XX century they were replaced quite successfully by the Solovki, Vorkuta, Sakhalin and other places of natural treatment.

*****

The gynecologist - blondinke:
-With how many men you had sexual relations?
-C five or with six...
-He so is a lot of...
- Yes... Something was not set week...

*****

The gynecologist friendly looks at the young woman who came for
obsledovaniya and speaks:
Mrs., at me for you good novost.
-I am glad, the doctor, but I am not a Mrs., and miss.
Sorry, Ms., I have for you a bad news.

*****

The gynecologist objyasnyaet:
- The Most well-tried remedy - a spiral. The spermatozoon runs on a spiral, runs, the head began to spin - bryk, and is ready...

*****

The gynecologist examines the patient in a chair. Here his colleague comes and asks:
-Prompt where you bought that cool cognac yesterday?
ginekolog, without stopping raboty:
- At first you come to the avenue, then at once to the right, then at the second intersection on the left, you rest against a bed, then round it …
TUT is distributed the squeezed groan. The gynecologist lifts up eyes to patsiyentke:
-to you badly?
-A? No, please, still-e time round a bed

*****

The gynecologist delivered to the blonde a spiral.
blondinka put on and asks: You will give
-A "Calgon" to me?
-A why to you "Calgon"?
- You that, do not know, what without "Calgon" on a spiral the scum is formed?!