Jokes about Chapaev

Read funny Jokes about Chapaev

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Red commissioners in a staff sit, discuss a policy of the party. Suddenly Petka.
-Vasily Ivanych runs in! White!!!
-Aga! Take pair of grenades in a corner and drive away ikh.
petka a grenade beret, runs out. From the street explosions are audible. Petka vozvrashchayetsya.
-Well, drove away the white?
- Drove away!
- And now put grenades back …

*****

Sit Lenin with Chapayevym.
lenin takes from Chapayev trubku.
pykh.
- And tabachok to me more nravitsya.
pykh.
- And tabachok me more nravitsya.
pykh.
-But whether not to stir up to us the Great October Socialist Revolution?

*****

Sit Petka with Vasily Ivanovich, drink vodka. Suddenly Furmanov comes and good luck sits down to stolu:
-Here! The third I will be!
- Not, you will be the sixth. Five we already sent!

*****

Sit Petka with Vasily Ivanovich late at night, thump. Petka speaks:
-Well, Vasily Ivanovich, we will go to sleep, perhaps. To you to cross the Urals with one hand still tomorrow.

*****

Sit somehow Petka with Vasily Ivanovich and Furmanov, drink vodka. Vasily Ivanovich pours - himself and Furmanov on full, Petke - a half-glass. Furmanov smeetsya:
-That you so, Vasily Ivanovich? It would already be time to fill to you a hand!
petka speaks:
-Yes that hand, what hand? It is time for it to fill a muzzle - it is already the third time so

*****

Sit Petka round the corner drink Vodka with Vasily Ivanovichim Furmanov and speaks:
-Men approaches, I the third will be?
TE:
-of Nifiga, Furmanov, the fourth, three we already sent!

*****

Petka and Vasily Ivanovich on a tree sit. Suddenly the elephant approaches a tree and there begins it tryasti.
-Vasily Ivanych, the nest can at it here?
- the Fool you are Petka, they live in holes!

*****

Petka and Vasily Ivanovich on a palm tree sit. The elephant approached a palm tree and there began it tryasti.
-Vasily Ivanovich, and his nest can here?
- You are a fool, Petka. They after all live in holes.

*****

Two Somali pirates on an Ukrainian tower tanka.
-sit Hear, Vasily Ivanych, and after all that we from Georgia drove, is better byli.
-But these, Petka, from shit it is not necessary to wash.

*****

Chapay sit and Petka - dream of peace life. Chapayev:
-Da- And, Petk. Here war will come to an end, we will begin to live with you in a new way, in a Soviet way. We will construct, Petka, conservatory!.
-of Ugu. And a machine gun on a roof.
-A what for? of
-A that canned food would not piz@it a machine gun!

*****

Chapay from Petkaya ashore the Urals river sit, catch fish. Here from water in a waterway Petka rises periskop.
-! - tells Chapay. - Dive under, look, whose boat!
petka dives, comes up, dokladyvayet:
-Chinese, Vasyl Ivanych! You took
-C of that?
- On it Chinese iyeroglify.
- The Fool you, Petka, now by all boats the Chinese hieroglyphs. Dive snova.
petka dives, comes up, dokladyvayet:
-English, Vasyl Ivanych! You took
-C of that?
- There inside in English razgovarivayut.
- The Fool you, Petka, now by all boats in English razgovarivayut.
nyryay snova.
petka dives, comes up, dokladyvayet:
-Chukchi, Vasyl Ivanych!
- And it you from what took? Yes I knocked with
-, they also opened!

*****

Furmanov and Vasily Ivanovich sit in a staff and open a vodka bottle. Suddenly Petka runs and vosklitsayet:
-I Will be the third!
- … - answers with the Fourth to Furmanov.
-But you two?
- …. which was sent on x. y.

*****

Petka in all spirit through the village jumps. There was a man to the road - trampled the man. The woman left - did not manage to sigh, and her trampled. The Red Army man on the way zazevalsya - rubanul the Red Army man a checker. Ha a staff porch the sentry prevented - and that rubanul. Runs in a staff - at once to Chapayu:
-Vasily Ivanovich! Vasily Ivanovich! Road you mine! I ceychac
v the city was - LENIN SAW!!!

*****

- How many you can say, Petka that Blyukher is not transferred from the anglitsky!

*****

- Listen, Petka who at us in a toilet an ass a finger wipes it, and then about a wall? Befouled all walls!
-Ya, Vasily Ivanych, I suspect Furmanov. He a zavsegda as an ottudova goes, hands washes!

*****

- Look Vasily Ivanovich, session priblizhayetsya.
-Anything Petk, we will admit closer!

*****

- Look, Vasily Ivanych, on that coast white beer with crayfish is drunk!
- Not, Petka, it at them the person such!

*****

I look "Chapayev" not the first year and all I hope: can, will reach.

*****

At first Chapayev lived in a Black tribe, then spied at white, then met Anka

*****

Collect Vasily Ivanovich (V. I.) and Petka on a kitchen garden grokh. Petka in a basket puts, and V. I. - eats. Petka:
-V. I. do not eat so much peas to p@rdet budete.
no did not obey to V. I. Petk and continued to push peas in a mouth. Again Petka speaks:
-V. I. do not eat so much peas will p@rdet - guts povylazit!
Ho did not obey to V. I. Petk. They came home. Went to bed. As began V. I. to p@rdet - there is nothing to breathe. Itself sleeps, and Petka cannot fall asleep. Did not stand Petk - thrust to him into a bum sausage and quietly fell asleep. In the morning to V. I. Petk budet:
-Petka you were right yesterday. I so p@rdet tonight that already guts povylazit. Hardly obratno
zapikhnul …

*****

The well-known heroes of jokes - Stierlitz, Chapayev, the lieutenant Rzhevsky, Gena's Crocodile and all others gathered somehow, what to solve who from them the most popular. Long argued, and could not come to the agreement, about all it seems jokes are (look at any computer site) .
"Elementary!" - Holmes unexpectedly exclaimed, "We will write our names on pieces of paper, we will curtail pieces of paper, we will put in a hat. Whose name will be extended by the first, that and won!" All agreed, let's provide to a case to solve. Wrote names, curtailed, threw into John (Watson's) hat. And to whom to extend? All as - volume stremno became. Vovochka speaks: "And here let the beautiful aunt will extend!" All turned back to the Blonde: "Give you, give!" The blonde it is proud left, gave a hand to a hat and …. here Oslik
ia-news agency cried: "She wants us to deceive!" . And here see the blonde in a hand squeezes a piece of paper, pretending that is going to get it from a hat (Dzhona
uotsona). Winnie- The-Pooh approached and stretched a paw. It means a piece of paper gave.

*****

Were going somehow Petka with Vasily Ivanychem to military academy postupat.
poyekhali entrance examination to pass, to mathematician. Received under the ticket,
poshli to prepare. Also were gone. All abituriyentherevno handed over, and Petki with Vasily Ivanychem is not present. Prepodavatel
idet to look for them, sees - Petka with lopatoy
v a public garden royetsya.
-That you do it here?
- Yes here, a root square it is necessary to find, and me all tolko
kruglye come across … to
-A Vasily Ivanych where?
- On a stable was closed, to it the member to divide into a polynomial nado.
plakat - cries, and a checker sharpens.

*****

Chapayev in mathematical institute was going to postepat, failed examination i
vernulsya in Petk's part asks: on what it was filled up? Vasily of Ivanych
chapay answers: so the question got 0,5 plus 0,5?
Ya I feel that liter, and mathematically I cannot explain

*****

Chapay in business trip gathered, thinks, as if Anka during his absence did not bang. Thought, thought, thought up. Thrust it into one place an open razor and left with quiet dushoy.
priyezzhayet in two weeks and first of all builds a squadron on a parade-ground. Gives command - to Take off trousers!
Bce was removed. Chapay looks, all fighters have members in half! Everything is normal one Petki's
U. Chapay fell apart, of course, that only one Petka kept and that delat.
chapay Petka approaches it and speaks:
-, on behalf of command I declare to you blagodarnost
za the shown firmness!
PETKA:
-Mymmmm ….

*****

Chapayev and Petka from the white escape, so. Well, got into a well and sit. Approach white a well and razgovarivayut:
-Where it they got to? Perhaps they went to the wood?
petka from a well otklikayetsya:
-. went to the wood, went to the wood, went to the wood …
- Or perhaps they already got away and we will not find them?
- … that, that, that … Or perhaps the grenade in a well to throw
-?
- … Or perhaps they went to the wood, to the wood went, to the wood went?

*****

Petka and Vasily Ivanovich from belykh.
vidyat ahead a pond escape. Vasily of Petk's Ivanovich:
-, we jump in a pond and we sit there how many we can!
prygnuli. The white resort. See - is not present nikogo.
ushli. Vasily Ivanovich gets out. Sees - net
petki. Thought that Petka drowned. Prikhodit
through year to remember Petka. Petka:
-Well gets out of a pond the white ran?

*****

Vasily Ivanovich sleeps and has a dream as if to it a shell splinter vypustilo.
on them back pushes guts, and they fall out, pushes, and they vyvalivayutsya.
pposnulsya - half of blankets in an ass …

*****

Petka asks Ivanovicha:
-Vasily Vasily Ivanych, what such "a sexual prelude"?
- Yes it, Petka, that at us with Anka only on lyudyakh.
idut Petka and V. I. on the desert. Suddenly see - a turtle polzet.
p-V. I., look, a chepcheritsa polzet.
v.i-Sam you are Petka of chepcheriyets. This is a turtle - entsikloblyu it is necessary to read.

*****

There is a black-black wood. In the black-black wood a black-black glade. On a black-black glade black-black penek. On black-black to hemp two black-black beings sit and one speaks drugomu:
-In vain we, Vasily Ivanovich, with you this rubber scorched …

*****

Stand Vasily Ivanych (V. I.) and Petka (P) on the bridge, otlivayut.
p: Something today water cold!
V.I.: And bottom stony!

*****

Stand Petk with Vasily Ivanovich on the bridge through the small river, celebrate small need. Petka with pride speaks:
-Water holo - about - odnaya, Vasyl Ivanych!
vasily Ivanovich (thoughtfully):
- Yes, and bottom stony …

*****

Knock at a door. Petka opens and sees: there is a Vasily Ivanovich all dirty, despised, hackneyed and drunk in dupel.
-V. I., you from where?!
- From Petk's jokes, from jokes ….

*****

Vasily Ivanovich a checker grabbed and ran out from a log hut … And then came round and returned back …

*****

Vasily Ivanych and Petka on nudist plyazh.
nu and, naturally descended somehow, everything scorched at them there,
chto usually under pants. They went to the village, took sour creams,
posle of that sat down at a staff and smear svoye
khozyaystvo with sour cream. Here Anka enters, sees this business i
khlop in a faint. Pumped out it Petk with Chapayevym:
-of That it you, Anka?
- Yes from surprise!
- It why?!
- As finish - hundred times saw, and here kak
zaryazhayut - for the first time!

*****

USA. Capitoline hills. Near the Capitol walk Petka and Chapay.
petka:
-Vasyl Ivanych! And you know three greatest American Jews, and?
CHAPAY:
-of He! Petka! Well who does not know them! This is the Batman, Spayderman and Superman!

*****

Vasily Ivanych went to Italy. Comes back, Petka to it and speaks:
-Vasyl Ivanych! And tell something in Italian!
- In Italian? Go on ###, Petruchio!

*****

Vasily Ivanych went to Japan, on cultural obmenu.
vernulsya - Petka, naturally, with inquiries - say, how there, what interesnogo:
-Vasily Ivanych, and how women there? Woman's
- to itself and women, geishas nazyvayutsya.
-Vasily Ivanych, and what there the most interesting?
-A the most interesting in Japan, Petka, is karatekas!
-A who it, what they do? Well as to explain
- to you? Become here at that stenki.
petka there is at a wall, Vasily Ivanych to it between glaz
oglobley - spheres! Petka in reanimation recovers, sees - nearby Vasily Ivanych:
- And so, Petka, karatekas so a hand can!

*****

Petka drags the captured white Cossack in a staff. Suddenly at that from a pocket - "pi-pi-pi … pi-pi-pi …" Petka climbs to him in a pocket - and there tamagoch. And white emu:
- The Brother, the Mityok, dies … Fish soup asks …

*****

- I hate jokes about Jews, and especially about Chapayev.