Jokes about Chapaev

Read funny Jokes about Chapaev

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Petka resorts to Vasily of Vasily Ivanovic's Ivanovichu:
-! Anka carried out the Internet to a division! To shoot
- of the Internet, Anka to me!

*****

Petka resorts to Vasily of Ivanovichu.
-Vasily Ivanovich, guess a riddle: two ends, two rings, in the middle gvozdik.
-Ass, Petka.
-Fool you, Vasily Ivanovich! These are scissors. Well, guess one more riddle: without windows, without doors the room lyudey.
- The Ass, Petka.
- The Fool you, Vasily Ivanovich is full. It is a cucumber.

*****

Petka resorts to Vasily of Ivanovichu.
-Vasily Ivanovich … ….
- Yes well you on h@y, Petka! So about us all Russia tells jokes! …

*****

Petka resorts to Vasily of Ivanovichu:
-Vasily Ivanych! I cut Kolobok!
- You that Petka drunk? Or fairy tales read?
- Yes here those cross, Vasily Ivanych! I follow just a barn, I see - Kolobok on the ground to and fro … I its checker hryas - and in half!
- of the Trestle you, Petka! It I Kotovsk sent an entrenchment to dig!

*****

Petka resorts to Vasily of Ivanovichu:
-Vasyl Ivanych! Gulf Stream froze!
- were Told by me to you Petka, not to send Jews to investigation!

*****

Petka resorts to Vasily Ivanovich and speaks:
- At us in the yard the speaking well poyavilsya.
nu, went to look. Suit to nemu.
petka:
-to Whom it is not slept at dead of night?
-HUYu-Huyu-huyu.
petka:
-of Whom eby we very early? - Anka - anku.
vasily to Fill up
-ANKU with Ivanovich:
-- knows too much!

*****

Petka resorts to Vasily Ivanovich and oret:
-Vasily Ivanovich, ran quicker, Anka twins rodila.
-Yes go you … Idi's
- better you, I the took away that.

*****

Petka resorts to Vasily Ivanovich …
- Vasily Ivanovich, to us a female regiment sent!!!
vasily Ivanovich rises, clasps a fly and speaks:
-Petk - move away a goat from a sofa.

*****

Petka and krichit:
-Vasily Ivanovich resorts, white climb!
- Not to mushrooms now, Petka, here we will break office, then the posobiray.

*****

Petka and krichit
-Vasily Ivanovich resorts, I cut Kolobok!
- As?!?!?
- Well I go, lo and behold - Kolobok on the wood - pryg-skok, pryg-skok. Well I its checker of RRRRRAAAAAAZZZZ!!!!
- of the Trestle you are Petka! The Kotovsk entrenchment dug it!

*****

Vasily Ivanovich Petku to France invited, and Petka, unlike Vasily Ivanovich, in French does not rummage. Arrived, went to restaurant, Vasily Ivanovich zakazyvayet:
-A la a shrimp, a la bormatukha.
petka in neponyatka … Vasily Ivanovich objyasnyaet:
-A la a shrimp - crayfish, and a la a bum wine - vodka …
poyeli, cut … Went to a brothel … Removed maids, at Vasily Ivanovich all is beautiful. It brushed thoroughly the, leaves, and here the hostess speaks to it that went the friend to calm down. Vasily Ivanovich comes into the room and sees: the prostitute with the moved apart feet lies, and around to rush Petka and oret:
-A la a shrimp, a la a shrimp, a la a shrimp … and speaks:
-Explain Vasily Ivanovich's
uvidel you to her that a cancer I want it …

*****

There comes Vasily Ivanych from business trip. His Petka asks:
-Where was, Vasily Ivanych? Yes you understand
-, Petka, forgot I the name. Whether h%y in sand, whether sand in p% $де. Aha, remembered, Mangyshlak.

*****

There comes Chapayev after business trip to the regiment and asks Petki:
-Well? During my absence at you it happened nothing?
- Is not present, - Petka answers. Only a bug sdokhla.
chapayev:
- And why died? Horse-flesh
PETKA:
-objelas.
chapayev:
-As horse-flesh ate too much?
PETKA:
-So a stable sgorela.
chapayev:
- And why the stable burned down? Furmanov kuril.
chapayev:
-So it not kurit.
petka:
-As you will not light
PETKA:
-here when the regimental banner was stolen …

*****

There arrived Petka from Japan, Ivanovichu
vpechatleniyami came to share to Vasily. Took a bottle, vypili.
-Well tell, Petka that saw there? Karate
- videl.
-That it? It not to tell
-, and to show nado.
-So show!
- Get up facing stene.
vstal Vasily Ivanovich, suddenly it collapses koshmarnoy
sily blow. Vasily Ivanovich recovers through mesyats
v reanimations, before him Petk's Petka.
-, it that that sits?
- Here, Vasily Ivanovich, I you scrap, and they, boughs narrow-eyed,
tak a hand are able!

*****

There arrived to part the new commander with baboy.
na the first night one person on duty went to the woman and got sick from VICH.
NA the second night all company on duty went to hospital to the woman and got sick the third night all part went to hospital OT
VICH.
NA to the woman and got sick in hospital from VICh.
… Well Vasily Ivanovich Chapayev when stick to Anka did not love!

*****

There arrived to part to Chapayev a fighter overseas on competitions. Vasyl Ivanych Petku causes and speaks:
- There is nobody, except you, with him tyagatsya.
-Yes you that, he me zalomayet.
-I Know Petk but that any sound was not - die, but terpi.
nachalsya a duel. The Black to Petk and so twists and so breaks. Petka is silent. Suddenly in 5 seconds wild shout is up to the end distributed … Remained Petka is living. Lies in hospital. Chapayev.
-comes to it That you suffered so much, and at the latest moment cried?! Yes you know
-, it twisted-twisted me, broke-broke, I before a nose suddenly see a bum. Well, I think, I will bite a reptile finally!.
- Well? The
- appeared …

*****

Admitted somehow Vasily Ivanovich to the party. It to Kotovsk - help what to speak on partsobranii.
-Well as - there to you questions will be asked, you learn the Charter, yes the Pravda newspaper read the Program. If absolutely get - I will prompt. Next day - meeting. Asked Vasily Ivanovich different questions, he answered everything. Predsedatel:
-Let Vasily Ivanovich will tell, what documents are issued by party to the representatives? Ivanovich tyrk-pyrk - forgot
vasily. Kotovsk quietly podskazyvayet:
-Mandates! Mandates!
vasily Ivanovich:
-A you if to cut off ears and a nose - in general on за##%у is similar!

*****

Was impatient Petke with Anka to rustle. Came into a shed, closed a door and settled on senovale.
vskore by passes Chapay. Looks - a door at a shed which always wide open was, prikryta.
zainteresovalsya Chapay, approached to the door, pulled at the handle - it is closed. Leaned an ear, some rustles are audible. Looked for a shchelochka to spot that there such is created, did not find. Began lomitsya:
-Petk, open. I know that you zdes.
petka zero vnimaniya.
chapay are stronger lomitsya:
-than Petk, open, and that worse budet.
petka is continued shurshat.
chapay already by a saliva of the beginnings bryzgat:
-by Petka if when I count to three, and you dver
eshche will not open, I will blow up it, and you a checker ugoshchyu.
nu, Petka hears badly business, and Chapay already began otschet:
-One, dva.
petka Anka with hay covered, to a door flies up throws back a bolt and appears at the commander with the lowered trousers. Chapay inside looks, and there is nobody more. It to Petka snova:
-You that did here?
- Shitted, Vasily Ivanych.
- And what shit cow? So you did not allow to posrat
- properly.

*****

Abram to Vasily Ivanovich comes and asks to admit it to group. Vasily Ivanovich asks Petk's Petki:
-what we will do? How to us to send away him? posovetoval:
-Give
petka to it: Vasily Ivanovich, for check a task is more difficult, he will not execute it, and we will refuse to it in priyeme.
vasily Ivanovich:
-Fine you thought up, Petka! Well, Abram, here you a test task - should get an enemy banner!
abram nods and ukhodit.
na the next morning Abram is knocked to Vasily by Ivanovichu:
-Vasily Ivanovich, here to you an enemy banner!
vasily Ivanovich (with amazement): As you it got
-?
ABRAM:
-Yes exchanged for ours!

*****

Vasily Ivanovich who all is torn off comes to dirt, to blood. Petka with udivleniyem:
-That with you, from where you?
- From jokes, Petk, from jokes.

*****

Vasily Ivanovich home drunk comes to a smoke, and Petka stays at home angry and sober. Dumayet:
-Well, all right, I to you eto.
vzyal will remember plasticine and the second member from it molded Chapayu, stuck and went to bed. In the middle of the night Petka wakes up from heart-rending shout and can understand nothing, forgot already that at night vytvoril.
a Chapay sits in the middle of the room and oret:
-Petka, I stop drinking, will not believe, I wake up, and I have two members. I tore off one, and the second disappeared.

*****

Vasily Ivanovich to Petka comes and speaks:
-Went fishing!
- So what fishing, is not present vodka!
-A that is?
- Hemp, - are answered by Petka
vasily Ivanovich conveniently settles down in kresle.
-So let's fish here!

*****

Vasily Ivanych how it at you manages white to be split on interrogation comes to Vasily Ivanychu Petka and asks:
-?
- Let's go, Petka, pokazhu.
zakhodyat in a shed, Vasily Ivanych clamps Petke of @yets in a vice, and speaks:
-Petka, here tell, you - white?
- You che, Vasily Ivanych, what I white? Ivanych's
vasily (twisting a vice on one turn): Be pricked by
-, Petka, you white!
- Yes not white I, Vasily Ivanych! Ivanych's
vasily (twisting a vice on one turn):
- Well white you, Petka, white!
- Yes white, white, enough! Ivanych's
vasily (twisting a vice to the full): So I also knew
-!!!!!

*****

Petka to Vasily of Ivanovichu.
-Vasily Ivanovich comes, here a well found, clever, the echo is tvechat always in temu.
prikhodit by Chapayev, bends over kolodtsem:
-to Whom is not slept at dead of night?
- H%yu - h%yu - h%yu …
- of Whom e*y we very early?
-Anka - Anka - Anka …
- Who s*izdit collars?
- You - You - You … Petk's
-, dig this well, it too clever.

*****

Petka to Vasily Ivanovich and asks:
-Vasily Ivanovich, and what such nuance comes somehow?
- Take off Petka trousers, I will show you that it!
SNYAL Petka trousers, and Vasily Ivanovich as will set to it, and speaks:
-Here see Petka, at you h@y in a zh@pa and at me h@y in a zh@pa. But there is a nuance!!!

*****

Petka to Vasily Ivanovich and asks:
-Vasyl Ivanych, and what such sex comes? To
-Well, Petka, well here present, I face a regiment, dostayu
granatu, I pull out to the check, I shout: "Lay down!!!", and all lezhat.
-Well, and sex? What
- to hell sex - the grenade in a hand.

*****

Petka to Vasily Ivanovich comes, and at that all apartment is filled with bags with potato, and he sits, thoughtful takoy.
-Hi, Vasily Ivanovich, why to you it is so much potato?
-Ya, Petka, was connected to FIDO!
-I that?
- As that, here, milk yield became!
-A potato that here at what?
- Fool you, Petka. It not simply potato, is the scheme of routing of a netmyl in the R 50 segment!
-A as it? Here watch
-, - Vasily Ivanovich speaks, and scatters one bag directly on pol.
-This potato, suppose, our note. Other potatoes - other notes. You understand?
-NET.
-Here and I, do not understand a nifig …

*****

Petka to Vasily Ivanychu comes, and that reads the book. Petka:
-About what the book?
-O logike.
- And how it?
- Here you like to catch fish? Then you will dry
-Lyublyu.
- And you eat?
- Yes.
- Then beer to a small fish?
- Yes.
- After beer and vodka?
- Yes, potreblyayu.
-After vodka on women pulls?
- Yes, tyanet.
-Means and $уй costs?
- Yes, stoit.
ponravilas Petke the book, took it to esteem from Vasily Ivanycha. Stays at home, reads, Petk's Furmanov.
-what you read comes to it?
-O logike.
- And how it?
- Here you like to catch fish?
-HET.
-Means, and $уй is not necessary!!!

*****

Petka to V. I. and speaks:
-Vasily Ivanovich comes, you in a staff a bird called, only I here do not remember, kakoy.
-Well, Petka, probably an eagle!
- Well, slightly pomenshe.
-Well, means - a falcon!
- Well, it seems as knocks kotoraya.
-Really a woodpecker?!
- Remembered, Vasily Ivanovich - we will smash!

*****

Petka to Furmanov and speaks:
-Furmanov, and what such logic comes?
A Furmanov to it and otvechayet:
-Oooo, Petk, logic is such science! So explain
- that this such!
- Here, Petka, you have matches?
- Yes est.
-Means logically you have also cigarettes?!
- Well, is! Well, so as you smoke
-, logically the smoke influences your lungs, you are ill, your different internal is ill?
- Yes, so!
- Means you have problems with women?
- Well, is!
- Means you will become the impotent man soon! Correctly?!
- is correct!!!
prikhodit then of Petk to Vasily Ivanovich and speaks:
-Vasily Ivanovich, and I learned new science! The logic is called! Well explain to
-A that this such - logic! Here watch
-, you have Vasily in a cigarette pocket?
- Well, is!
- Means logically you have also cigarettes? Correctly?
-Pravilno.
-Means you is an impotent man!!!

*****

Furmanov to Vasily Ivanovich and speaks:
-Well comes somehow, Vasily Ivanovich, guess a riddle "Without windows and doors -
polna a room of people" .
chapayev thought-thought and speaks:
- The Ass!
- Is not present, Vasily Ivanovich, is a cucumber! Guess then takuyu
zagadochku "Two rings, two ends, and in the middle of carnations" .
chapayev long thought and speaks:
- The Ass!
- Is not present, Vasily Ivanovich, is scissors!
chapayev went to Petka - to check its erudition. While went,
V to the head everything was mixed. Comes and speaks:
- And well, Petya, guess a riddle "Without windows, without dverts it is full zhopa
ogurtsov".
- #" $ня some turns out, Vasily Ivanovich …
- Here and I think that $&ня, and Furmanov speaks, scissors …

*****

Furmanov to Chapayev and speaks:
-Vasily Ivanovich comes, help out, help to hold competitions on begu.
-Oh and I cannot, I hurry!
- Da Vasily Ivanovich, so it is short!
- Well, say that is necessary delat.
-Da it is necessary from the starting gun postrelyat.
-(after small thought) Listen, or perhaps that is faster, I am better from a starting machine gun I will do some shooting!

*****

Vasily Ivanovich (HIV) and Petka (P) come to a brothel, order women. Petke got the last from free, and VIChU offered the rubber. There is nothing to do, there is a wish, agreed. Passed time, HIV and P meet after all DEL:
VICH: - Well as P, it was pleasant?
P: - Well simply ult. And at you as?
VICh: - You represent, I started it caressing, bit for a nipple, and it whistled and to a window leaf departed.

*****

Petka walks and sees, what Vasily Ivanovich a hole kopayet.
-Vasily Ivanovich, why a hole dig? Yes you understand
-, Petka, ordered to me on the document the photo on a belt sdelat.
- And why such deep? So I on a horse want to be photographed by
-!

*****

Vasily Ivanovich from a big bodun wakes up, comes to a porch and asks Petku:
- And where my white Mercedes?
-A of wons in the field ss@t!!!

*****

Vasily Ivanovich and Petka after a booze wakes up. Vasily Ivanovich asks:
-That we drank yesterday!?
- Dry vino.
-Precisely dry? Da's
-! Why my trousers mokrye.
vasily Ivanovich tells to
-A Petk's Petke:
-you that do? To Anten I pull
-!
- Well and exactly now poshli.
-Vasily Ivanovich! White in the wood!
- Not time, Petka, Mushrooms to gather!
priroda. Sun. Nearby the river Ural.
vasily Ivanych:
-Anka flows, we go on the small river, to skupatsya okhota.
-Well and who will see off me back?

*****

Vasily Ivanovich from a deep hangover wakes up in the morning. And Petka on him with horror smotrit:
-Vasily Ivanovich, you remember what you the last toast bent yesterday?
- Is not present, Petka.
-Is not present, what the truth you do not remember? Here horror!
-of Petk and that for a toast, tell, not tomi.
-Well you got up with the last cup of moonshine. Also you speak: "Well, for Putin! "
- Well and what? Normal tost.
-Yes you that?! He even was not born yet!

*****

Chapayev wakes up, with a hangover, there is on kryltso:
-Petka, and where my white Mercedes?
-A of wons, is in the field full.

*****

Pass Petka with Vasily Ivanovich by a pond of the Summer garden, and see: swans float. Petka and speaks:
-Beauty that what! V. I., and you would like to be a swan?
- Is not present, Petka!
- Why?
- the Bum not hunting to wet!