Jokes about Chapaev

Read funny Jokes about Chapaev

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Petka, Chapay and Anka get away from the white. Found a hole and climb in it. At Anka the bum does not pass. Petka oret:
-Chapay, at Anka does not vlazit a basin!
- Let throws the devil's basin far away, I will buy then a bathtub to it!

*****

Petka reads the newspaper, meets an unknown word and asks Chapayeva:
-Vasily Ivanovich and how to understand it "ABROAD"? I do not know
-, Petk. Ask better Anka, she at us the maid competent,
navernyaka is the word knows … Petk's
poshel to Anka, and it emu:
-Oh, Petenka, ask something easier. FOR the THREE the CANCER is ya
khorosho I know but as FOR RUB the HEDGEHOG - I cannot even imagine it …

*****

Petka reads history of ancient Rima.
-Vasily Ivanych, and that such
- "orgy" Well is Petka it gruppovukha
-Vasily Ivanovich and who such "heteras" of
-Well is Petka is the ANKI
-type Vasily Ivnovich and who such "patricians" of
-You are Petka all prchitay.
-"Patricians
- Well Petka indulged in orgies with heteras" it is a typographical error, not patricians, but Party members!!

*****

Petka and Anka were sent to learn English. The teacher asks:
-Anka Pulemetovna, say the word DICTATOR on letters. Anka got up and otvechayet:
-D-I-K-T-A-T-O-R.
teacher:
-It is very good, and now you, Petka, use this word in predlozhenii.
petka:
-Hey, Anka, how to you my DICTATOR last night? …

*****

Petku Vasily Ivanovich sent studies flight business to England and money gave for study and for future eroplan. Well Petka everything dissipated a matter of course and on the remained money bought only the motor to an eroplan and its constructive plan. Arrived home and Vasily Ivanych calmed, a pier a mustache is normal, now eroplan we will make. There where wings, the piece of a fence was necessary to prisobachit. At last were got yes as will depart (the cursor good got). Fly, happy, and here the Austrian became napadat.
strelyal, shot well in any way. Cartridges came to an end … decided to go on a ram … Closes eyes for fear and to eroplan marks …
UH. missed. And once again. Ooh devil again by … Well shchas I to you …
A at this time Vasily Ivanych Petke krichit:
-Yes rubanita his Petrukha checker!!! - It zamudokhatsya absolutely a gate to open …

*****

Petka is asked that most of all it was pleasant to him in Chapayev. Petka shed a tear and speaks:
-very much he kind was. And lyubil.
- And bring children any primer.
-Yes here I remember as now - we went with Vasily Ivanovich to a mayovka. Mudflows, got self-races, zakus. And here the band of children runs up: "The uncle Chapayev, give a bread slice!". And Vasily Ivanovich cunning so looked at them and speaks: I "Will not give".
- E-e-e. And in what here, I'm sorry, his kindness is shown?
- So after all could also a checker!.

*****

Petka and Chapayev were caught by Germans. Forced them to lay down on asphalt and grebst hands.
prokhodit 1 hour, Petka speaks:
-Chapayev, I so more nemogu.
-Row, Petka, grebi.
prokhodit 1 more hour of
petka opyat:
-Chapayev, all I more nemogu.
chapayev:
-Row, Petka, row, and that will force to dive.

*****

Petka through the Urals floats. One hand gets, and keeps a violin in another. White hares on it s
odnogo coast from machine guns sit down, and from another - red krichat:
-Yes throw, you it! Throw!
A it everything floats and floats. At last reached. Red pull out it from water and sprashivayut:
-What horse-radish, you this violin through the river pyor? Petk's
A and otvechayet:
-We now with Vasyl Ivanychem to white hares will arrange such concert!
-A where it, Vasyl Ivanych?
- Yes, on a bottom rolls a grand piano!

*****

Chapayev through the Urals floats, rows with one hand, the second is wounded. Floats-floats, and over it the eagle is turned. Is turned-is turned, goes down, looks at Chapayev and again flies up. And Chapayev rows-rows. The eagle again is turned-is turned, goes down, looks at Chapayev and again flies up … Chapayev everything rows with one hand. The eagle everything is turned, again goes down … asks:
-That it you everything look out for
chapayev?
- Is given to me, the man that you drochit …

*****

Float Petka with Vasyl Ivanychem on the river by the boat. See there is a girl, votes. Vasyl of Ivanych:
-to give a lift to You? Yes. than you will pay off with
-A with
-?
-Naturoy.
-It as?
- Well, I will take off pants and dam.
-You that, the silly woman perhaps?! Nakhrena to us your pants!!!?

*****

The fighter of a regiment of Chapayev was lost. Vasily Ivanovich tells Petke:
-Go tell it to the wife, is only more tactful, prepare her snachala.
prikhodit Petka for the wife of the Red Army man and asks:
-It you the widow of the Red Army man Ivanov?
A it otvechayet:
-Figs to you, I am the wife of the Red Army man of Ivanova.
a Petk to it speaks:
-Figs to you, you are a widow, men, bring the Red Army man Ivanov.

*****

Petka and V. I. contracted to paint 5etazhny dom.
pepvy a floor: Painted from below. Second floor: Petka got on V. I. and painted. Third floor: Got a ladder and painted. Fifth floor: Painted from a roof. Think how to paint chetvetrty. Petk govopit:
-Give I you from a roof for braces I will take, and you pokpasish.
-Well davay.
kpasyat they, suddenly Petka laughed. V. I.:
- of That you laugh?
- Then skazhu.
kpasyat further. Suddenly V. I. laughed. Petka:
-That you laugh?
- Then skazhu.
pokpasili, V. I. sppashivayet:
-That laughed?
- Yes here I thought, braces, you down and еб$ $ %sya will break!
-A you that laughed?
- Yes here I thought, braces and you for еб$лу will break as will burst!

*****

Petka runs up to Vasily of Ivanovichu.
-Vasily Ivanovich, there Gulf Stream froze! How many times I told
- to you: not to send kikes to investigation.

*****

Vasily Ivanovich set fire to a powder warehouse …
To was a soot …

*****

Petka and Vasily Ivanovich contracted to paint 5 floor house. The first floor was painted from below. Second floor: Petka got on Vasily Ivanovich and painted. Third floor: got a ladder and painted. The fifth floor was painted from a roof. Think how to paint the fourth. Petk speaks:
-Give I you from a roof for braces I will take, and you pokrasish.
-Well, davay.
krasyat they, suddenly Petka laughed. Vasily of Ivanovich:
-of That you laugh?
- Then skazhu.
krasyat further. Suddenly Vasily Ivanovich laughed. Petka:
-That you laugh?
- Then skazhu.
pokrasili, Vasily Ivanovich asks:
-That laughed?
- Yes here I thought, braces will break, you down also will fall down!
-A you that laughed?
- Yes here I thought, braces and you on #блу will break as will burst!

*****

Vasily Ivanovich approaches Anka and speaks:
-Well, Anka, we will go we will bathe? To that coast splavayem.
-You that, Chapay, охр#нел with whom I that will float then?

*****

Vasyl Ivanych approaches Petka and orders that that some lump fingers rolls. Petka ego
asks:
-Vasily Ivanovich, tell me, this shit or plasticine? Ivanovich took
vasily a lump and tried on zub.
-Shit it, Petka.
- And I here also think, - Petka speaks - from where I have plasticine in a bum?

*****

Petka approaches Vasily Ivanovich and asks:
-You as think, Vasyl Ivanych if God forbid that happens to you -
ANKA of
-will start walking? Oh, will begin, Petka!
- Well, then I will present the gun for spearfishing to you!
- It still what for?
-A that it thought. That you did not drown, and on hunting were late!
asks somehow Petka at Vasily Ivanovicha:
-Vasyl Ivanych, and what such sex?
- E-e-e, Petka that to tell you … Here a machine gun, you see?
- Well, I see …
- And so sex is when cartridges are not present, and
sobralsya somehow of Petk wants to shoot at Tula with the samovar, and Vasily Ivanovich to it and speaks:
-You that, Petka …? Same all the same that to Anka - with the machine gun!

*****

Petka approaches Vasily Ivanychu and asks:
-Vasily Ivanych how to make the woman happy?
- Well, Petka, it is simple! The main thing - to drag it in a bed. The guy you young, healthy so problems will not be. The main thing, in a bed to be pleasant to it - and it is more it than anything and not nado.
na the next day Petka in the yard meets Anka-pulemetchitsu, without thinking twice rakes up it in an armful and drags to a hut. That starts squealing, escapes and from everything to a move vleplyat Petke a slap in the face. That costs, bewildered rubs a cheek and speaks:
-Oh, and the silly woman you, Anka! And could become happy.

*****

Petka approaches Chapayev and sppashivayet:
-Vasily Ivanovich, and who such political prostitutes?
- of Hm, well as if to tell you Petka, here you know why the crow kekat drops, and a lamb kruglyashkami?
- of D-well, I do not know.
- Hy here, you do not understand the g@ena, and in policy you climb!
-of Petk, you that do there? The Antenna I pull
-, Vasily of Ivanych
-Well and names went.

*****

Podkholit Petka somehow to Chapayev and asks:
-That such sex, and what such a group sex?!
CHAPAYEV:
-Well sex is when we with Ankoy.
a the group sex is when you with a machine gun and a company of fascists.

*****

There went Vasily Ivanovich to Africa. Returned, and his Petka asks:
-Well, how there that saw?
- Oh, Petka, I so saw such big cow who itself a tail from a bed pulls carrot …, and that then does, you will not even believe …

*****

There went Vasily Ivanovich in zagr. trip. Comes back - dovolny-predovolnyy.
-Petka, - speaks - with Beatles it stusovatsya, participated in a studio recording of "Come together"!
-A as it?
-A I a checker before a microphone: "shch-shch-shch-ooh!", and Beatles: "they are du-thoughts-tum-tum …"

*****

There went Vasily Ivanovich to India, walks the streets of Delhi, is surprised. Suddenly the yogi approaches it and prosit:
-Pour a glass vodki.
-For what reason, - Vasily tells Ivanovich.
-Yes you be not afraid, I will not drink, and focus to you pokazhu.
nalil Vasily Ivanovich a glass, and the yogi stared at vodka and looks, looks, suddenly - time, and falls sideways. The people ran together, called the doctor. The doctor examined the yogi and speaks:
-Alcoholic poisoning!
vernulsya Vasily Ivanovich home and run to Petk's Petke:
-, pour to me a glass of vodka - I Indian will show focus to you! Petk's
nalil of vodka, Vasily Ivanovich stared at a glass, looks, looks, suddenly falls. Called the doctor, that stavit
diagnoz:
-Choked with a saliva!

*****

There went somehow Vasily Ivanovich to Italy. Long it was not. When it returned Petka there was k
nemu pristavat:
-Vasily Ivanovich, tell something in Italian!
- Went on х#й, Petruchio!!! - Vasily Ivanovich answered.

*****

There went Vasily Ivanovich to enter the institute. In a month of Petk vstrechayet.
-Well, Vasily Ivanovich? Passed examinations? Yes you understand
-, Petk. Everything handed over: handed over kcal, handed over urine, mathematics not sdal.
- And what you asked such there? Yes you understand
-, asked me that such a trinomial in a square. I such could not even imagine.

*****

There went Vasily Ivanovich to study to Italy. Use
dengi spent on drink, learned nothing … Arrived, tells in a division about a trip. Suddenly podkhodit
petka and speaks:
-V. I., and tell something in Italian!
- Would go you on x …, Petruchio!

*****

There went somehow Vasily Ivanych to England, experience to adopt. Comes back, Petka meets him. And Vasily Ivanych leaves the plane all in a crimson tuxedo, behind it pieces twenty suitcases bear, from a luggage compartment 600th "Mercedes"
- From where unload … so much money, Vasily Ivanych?! Yes you understand
-, Petka, we sat down with their lords in a point to play. One also speaks: "point!". I emu:
-Show! And it to me: "well you, Vasily Ivanovich, we here all gentlemen!" .
VOT here to me the card also went …

*****

There went Petka to USA for study. In a year comes pismo:
"I Arrive then, meet" .
prikhodit Vasily Ivanovich to meet Petka, approaches a plane ladder, Petka sees goes down: dark glasses, a protective jacket, well, the poured-out gangster. He goes down, Vasily Ivanovich waves a hand to Vasily Ivanovich and krichit:
-Hello!
A Vasily Ivanovich to it in otvet:
-Itself т?
%#ло, Petka. The fool was, and remained the fool!

*****

There went Petka to China to the cook to study. Returned and speaks:
-Well, Vasily Ivanych, became I povarom.
chapayev to him speaks:
-Prepare Petk, the simplest, heated fried eggs to it is red a frying pan, watered with oil and speaks:
-Well, Vasily Ivanych, egg luggage on an eye frying pan will get out!

*****

There went Petka to Japan of karate to study. In a year returned, Chapayev and speaks:
-Well give it, show to that nauchilsya.
petka emu:
- And well bend down, Vasily Ivanovich, now pokazhu.
chapayev bent down, Petka took huge dryn and as hryasnt to it on a spine. Chapayev:
-?????.!!!!!!!!! It that, is also karate??!!
- Well, Vasily Ivanovich, here present, they so punch.

*****

There went Chapay learns to shoot at America. Comes back, and its commission zhdet:
lenin, Dzerzhinsky and Petka.
-Show, speak to that nauchilsya.
chapay gets three glasses, puts before the commission, throws a bottle of vodka up and shoots. Vodka spreads all popovnu.
petka lit up: "Too I WANT!!!!" Went, comes back, again the commission, only instead of it - Chapay.
stavit glasses, throws a bottle, shoots and … .
leninu the full glass, Chapayu a half, and to Dzerzhinsky on donyshke.
chapay is poured: "Yes, Petka, you should get the hand still! "
dzepzhinsky: "And muzzle too …"

*****

There went somehow Anka to America - on people to look, prove to be. Comes back - at a ladder she is met by Petka. It emu:
-Hello, St. Petersburg!
petka to it in reply on a muzzle. Anka:
-For what?!
- It to you for "h@ylo", and for "3,14dora" houses you will receive!

*****

Went Petka with Vasily Ivanovich to be delayed to the Great Lakes, well, there to hunt, small fishes to catch, and for one and vodovka popit.
priyekhali, the tent was put, rods threw, well, and let's a vodovka drink. After a while the crowd of Indians taxis up, surrounded hunters and cost, smotryat.
-Petk, find out - that to them nado.
petka (coming back):
- Speak supposedly to hunt and fish can only be caught indeytsam.
-Tell them, what I all of them in a mouth otymel.
petka leave to Indians and transfers Vasily Ivanovi's words cha.
tut the crowd leaves the huge Indian and is so terrible asks:
- And me, perhaps?
-A you who such? Sorry, but we cattle do not force
- of Big Bizon.
-.

*****

Vasily Ivanovich caught somehow a goldfish, and she so begged release release, well he i
otpustil, and she to him speaks:
-Think 3 zhelaniya.
-WELL that me the checker not brala.
obernulas rybka:
-Will be tebe.
-That me the bullet not brala.
obernulas rybka:
-Will be tebe.
nu, watches one more desire. Uvidil it on other side of the river of a white horse and speaks:
-That I have an economy as at that horse was!
obernulas rybka:
-Will be tebe.
prikhodit Vasily Ivanovich home and tells Petke:
-Take a checker and cut menya.
-NOT as yazh you ubyyu.
-Rubi.
petka raises also a checker lomayetsya.
-As so? - tells Petka.
-Take pistolet.
-Shoot Petka.
strelyaet, and the bullet jumps aside that from Vasilyivanovicha.
-As it you do? Watch
-A of Petk! - undoes shirinku.
petka smotrit:
-This p% $день so p% $день!!!

*****

Vasily Ivanovich caught somehow a goldfish and, as usual, thought her of three zhelaniya:
-I Want to become strong as Ilya Muromets, I want a horse as Dobrynya Nikitich, and that at me had a member as at Alyosha Popovic's horse!
- is fine, - the goldfish speaks, - go to bed, in the morning everything ispolnitsya.
utrom wakes up Vasily Ivanovich and calls Petku.
petka comes, and with poroga:
-Well and the athlete you became, Vasily Ivanovich!
- It still that, you in a window have a look!
petka looks in okno:
-Wow, what horse - the handsome!
vasily Ivanovich throws back a blanket and with gordostyyu:
-It everything nonsense, you look here!
- Well and p%zdishche at you, Vasily Ivanovich!

*****

Caught the white officer and to learn from him military secrets, gave to drink. The officer all the same is not pricked and Petka suggests Chapayu to apply torture: not to give it tomorrow opokhmelitsya.
-Well and you cast out, Petka!

*****

Creep Anka, behind her Vasily Ivanovich, Petk's trace, in razvedku.
vasily Ivanovich gets Anka rassprosami:
-Anka, you a case in the ballet were not?
- Not, and that?
- Yes is sick feet at you beautiful … with
-Anka, you did not do rhythmic gymnastics?
- Not, and that?
- Yes is sick a figure at you harmonous … Petke's
nadoyelo to listen to everything eto:
-Vasily Ivanovich, and you the plowman never were?
- Is not present, and what?
- Yes is sick a furrow after you deep …

*****

Vasyl Ivanovich, Petka and Anka.
vperedi Anka, then Petka creep somehow, and behind it V.I.
kilometr creep, the second, third …
V.I. asks:
-Petka at you, what the father the plowman?
PETKA:
-Why?
V.I. speaks:
-Yes was exhausted on a furrow to creep …