Short jokes

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Made changes to the Russian Constitution: The president of Russia is elected the previous president of Russia.

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In the plane the passenger vomits. All laugh. The stewardess sees that will begin to flow too much a package soon and runs for the second. When returned, finds out that all vomit and one laughs. It asks:
-What is the matter?
- They thought that at me too much will pour down, and I took and took a sip.

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In the plane. The stewardess approaches the commander and speaks:
-In salon the terrorist with a bomb speculates with parachutes.

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In off-duty time the ensign Ivanov bungled - was at war on the party of the opponent.

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In connection with the stocks of skinheads against 3,14dorasov protection of buildings of all divisions of militia is strengthened.

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Due to Putin's inauguration the center of Moscow is blocked. Detour options: through the Czech Republic, Norway, Canada or any other normal country.

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Due to the planned Putin's flight in space, the ships for its protection feverishly are under construction.

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Due to the rise in price of vodka there was a new type of alcoholism: to drip vodka in eyes, you do not okoset yet!

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In the sex shop:- And it is our department for sadomasochists.
You're welcome, lashes, handcuffs, bracelets with thorns and at last our exclusive - a videotape with the last matches of Russian football team.

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In a family, with bad knowledge of anatomy cat's, the cat gave birth to kittens.

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At the Soviet schools now learn two foreign languages - Yiddish for leaving and Chinese for remaining.

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In Solntsevo the group of teenagers who gathered in the cellar at night is caught and learned to read.

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The new member is entered into structure of the Politburo with feeling of deep satisfaction.

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In Hitler's rate only Stierlitz worked for a rate floor.

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In a peep-show conducted sociological survey. It showed that Russians bring - blondes, Ukrainians - the brunette, and Poles - Ivan Susanin

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- On Saturday I go on a wedding! If you knew how I do not want to go. - Do not go. - It is impossible. The groom is I!

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In court: - The citizen Petrova, we consider your claim to the citizen Smirnov. When there was this case of rape? - It was all summer...

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In a madhouse one loony brags to companions that this thick book was written by him. Another looked through the book and told that the novel good, but is a lot of characters. Suddenly the door opened and shout medsestry:
-is audible Who carried away the telephone directory?!

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In the USA the number of the unemployed again increased, - our former correspondent reports from New-York.

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Found the boy who was brought up by woodpeckers in a taiga. In 3 days it zadolbat all...

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In such weather only to send the mother-in-law behind beer!

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In teatre:
-to give you the field-glass? Thanks
-, at me with the optical...

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At Kuklachyov's Theatre there was a new cat. Told that from Medvedev's Circus.

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In Tel Aviv are going to put a monument to Yury Gagarin as he the first told it: "Went!"

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In dark pereulke:
- The Citizen, you did not see nearby the militiaman?
- Is not present!
- Then take off a coat!

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In Texas tavepne:
-Joe, you seem put on airs?!
- What is the matter? of
-Yes I thrust in you the whole holder yesterday, and you did not even turn back!

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In the Pacific Ocean the hybrid of a shark with a gold small fish is found. Grants three last desires.

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In crowd at the temple it was distributed loud krik:
-Brothers, I again can go! I again go! Tell
- how there was a miracle?
-U hijacked me the car.

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In that place with which the man thinks - women have in general a hole!

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In that my family broke up, both are guilty, and I consider that the fault is distributed equally: 50% - the wife, 50% - the mother-in-law.

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In that that men often lie, women are guilty: they too persistently interrogate the husbands.

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The man comes into the tram and holds before himself hands with thumbs up. All stared at it. ON:
-Well che stared?! I, maybe, to the wife a brassiere to buy food...

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In transporte:
- The Girl, take away a foot with kompostera.
-Aha! I will clean, and you will put!

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In the trolleybus: - Oh pancake...! The girl, take away an elbow! - It not an elbow... It is a bottom.... - Horse-radish to itself "bottom"! An eye can be put out!

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In tyurme:
-Grandma! For what you sit!
- For poaching!
-???
-B to the small river was washed away - all fish died...

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In prison two talk zaklyuchennykh:
- And what here brought you? Thirst for alcohol?
- Is not present, of course. After all on freedom I knew that there is no bar.

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For conspiracy Stierlitz gathered SMS to the wife the left hand...

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In tsirke:
- And now high wire act: clown Vasya obossyt second row!... Sit, sit companions. It will approach you!

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Brought the elephant who is brought up by ostriches to the Chelyabinsk zoo if long to frighten him, in Chelyabinsk at last to appear the subway.