Jokes about life

Read funny Jokes about life

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The building of faculty leaves the sad student. Goes on parking, sits down in the wheelbarrow of BMW X5... Here suddenly its smartphone calls...
Hallo!
Hi, darling! How are you doing? As passed examination?
Simply awfully... Delivered me four...
Well be not upset, I will regret you today, we will meet in the evening?
No, excuse, I cannot, more precisely even I do not want... There is no mood... The
Mm, is a pity, and what you will do?
-Ya decided to be alone, I will depart to France I will revel in expensive wine there in the apartment which windows leave on D'Eiffel a tower...
Well, I understand you, be alone, darling...
Aga, so long!!! You I love
-Ya.
Угу...
zavodit the car, and is sad says:
-Zhizn - shit!

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From transfer about zhivotnykh.
"Rats always surprised with the ability to adapt k
obstanovke. They manage to live at a depth of several tens meters v
shakhtakh, eating scraps and miner's excrements. Miners lyubyat
zhivotnykh and quite often feed up them".

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From matrimonial zhizni.
pervy year of joint life: he speaks - it slushayet.
vtoroy year: she speaks - it slushayet.
trety year: both speak - neighbors listen.

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The famous film actor went on the South to take part in shootings on location. But there he was fond of night life and therefore postponed return home. Being the person obligatory, he constantly sent to the wife of the telegram that is too occupied at the same time with shootings by purchase of the equipment for film-making works. The wife, understanding the true reason, threatened in the response telegram: "My dear if you immediately do not come back home, I will sell that you buy there!"

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The engineer Sidorov of 50 years paid for a mortgage that in the following life to be born already with the apartment. But was born a hamster. It was not lucky the man...

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Sometimes my cat looks at me, as if speaking: "Here I - a cat. And that in life you achieved?".

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The parachuting instructor instructs with beginners. One of them asks:
- And if I do not develop the main parachute and spare too, how many I will fly to the earth?
-For the rest of the life...

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Hippodrome. Before the most final arrival the old man with the mare and speaks:
- The Sonny approaches the jockey, gallop on my mare! Life I swear, it will win against all! In half we will divide money!
zhokey inspected a mare - it seems fine yes harmonous, thinks, you never can tell, and asks deda:
-All right, the old man what you can advise?
-Yes you, the son, do not worry, spur it yes a switch rebuff, but remember: before each jump through an obstacle loudly shout it in an ear: "A-L-L-L-EH-0-P!!!" - and she will jump, as a bird!
zhokey was surprised, but agreed. And here start is given. The mare as a meteor escaped at once forward, the first barrier. Jockey krichit:
-Alekhop! The mare as the tank, breaks through logs, even without trying to jump up. The second baryer.
-Alekhop!!! - more loudly the jockey shouts. To a mare on a drum, she takes down on figs and this obstacle. Jump further. And here before them a concrete wall. The jockey thinks:" Well, here to me and karachun crept" - and with fear as will shout to a mare in ukho:
-AL-L-LE HOP, GREBANAYA KLYACHA!!!
TUT the mare tears off legs from the earth and as the swallow flies through a wall. First place. The hippodrome exults - an applause, a sea of flowers, crowd of fans, all such... After the jockey shivering with fear asks the grandfather, handing it it dolyu:
-Well, the grandfather, you give! It that at you, the deaf? DED:
-What, on a horse-radish, the deaf! It BLIND!!!

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The music history at university was taught by professor with big sense of humour. At examinations always sounded its favourite question :
- At Bach was 30 dete;y he carried out the most part of life in...
studenty-merry fellows finished tak:
-In posteli.
bolee serious otvechali:
-In Germanii.
i only one student knowing from experience as is to large families, otvetil:
-In debts!

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History from life 108 gv. Paraborne regiment. Monday, obshchee
postroyeniye, including the female military personnel. Zampolit to a regiment obrashchayetsya
s rechyyu:
-to us it is necessary to create women's body into which five members would enter...
ODNA from women venomously voproshayet:
-Is so big body, or so little members? otvet:
-I do not know
sleduyet who here that thought, but I meant WOMEN'S COUNCIL!!!

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To the woman the lover came. And suddenly - a call to a door. "Husband!" - she is frightened, falls on knees and starts praying. - My God, make so that the lover disappeared, and the husband noticed nothing! - Well, - the voice is distributed. - Be your way. Only for it you will die of water... - I agree. And itself thinks: that-that, and of water I will be careful! And then - a surprise, the cheap permit in cruise across the Mediterranean Sea. Well who will resist? Risked. Only took to the open sea - a storm. The woman - again on knees, prays: - My God, really because of me you will ruin so many lives?! And here the voice is distributed again: - Become silent! I you, potaskukh, three years on this motor ship collected!

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To the minister of natural resources Artyukhov the CEO of the geophysical enterprise with dokladom:
"comes the General Staff takes offense at us, we ceased to issue them gravimetric cards" .
ministr vozmushchenno:
"do not pull to me the wool over the eyes! I built all life of the road and I know that with gravel at us in the country everything is normal".

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To new Russian the daughter and speaks:
- The Father comes, I leave zahusband .
-As?! For whom?
-For the priest...
-of Che! You absolutely sduret?
-Well love, father... You understand, the heart has a will of its own...
-Well... you though bring him, we will get acquainted...
privodit it the very young deacon, sit they, eat, drink. speaks:
-Hear NR, zyatek, here the daughter of a fur coat at me on 10000 greens changes every month. How, it is interesting to me, you will live that? As you will support her...
-God will help...
-A still it at me got used to fly to Paris every week a new hairdress to do. How now?
-God will help …
-Yes, and here it prefers to go by Ferrari or Porsche, each half a year new model takes... How you imagine joint life with it?
-God will help...
NU sat, the groom home left. Daughter and asks:
-Well as, fathers, you my groom?
-Well as?... The sucker the sucker but when I God am called, is pleasant to me!

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- What is the difference between a fairy and witch?
- Year of marriage

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- What place in your life is taken by sex?
-Prize-winning!

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- What is the standard of living in Belarus?
- We have already passed all the levels and started to play again

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- What intelligence index at you? - I do not know exact figure, but is enough for me for life.

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Canary. Zheltenkaya. Chirps, chirps, chirps, the idiot. On excite it is squeezed out instead of a lemon in chay.
straus. In the cities it is not capable to live. At hide- And-seek hurts the head about asfalt.
golub. It is considered a world emblem. Symbol of nonsense, greed and garbage can. Well, what symbol, such is and the world. And what you want? Pelican. Thrifty. Uvazhayu.
chizhik. Which pyzhik. Which drink vodka on Fontanka. We read in the encyclopedia: VPYZhIK a reindeer calf aged till 1 month. The fur is also called pyzhikv we Draw a conclusion: a siskin in it ptichkaalkogolik, covered with fur of a reindeer. Horror. Mutant kakoyto.
dyatel. We read Shestakova. He about them told vs.
aist. Drags children. Drags not in sense steals, and in sense on the contrary. Most of all storks is found in Kitaye.
tsaplya. Builds a gnzd of tow. From a beak snivels flow. Izdat cry: Cry! B. A favourite dish in kvaklya.
sinichka. Loves fat. According to the logic of things has to drink also a torch, have a snack an onion and dance a hopak. Never saw. It does not mean that it all this on the quiet not delayet.
popolzen. And also, probably, upolzen, vypolzen and zapolzen. Who such, I do not know, but obviously the muskrat relative, nakhukholya and pokhukholya.
chayka. It is called so in honor of A. P. Chekhov's play. In pack in a terrible thing. Hunts with gloss, the handout elicits professionally. Entertainment in a carpet gavnometaniye. Having departed to the high sea, attacks the ships. Eats seamen. Witnesses not to remain therefore to confirm this information nekomu.
tarakan. Incidentally wormed way into the list. Already upolz.
snegir. Krasnomordy. Eee, krasnogrudy. Red breast. Breast. Yes. Breast white. Convex. Big. Chetvrty number. Lacy bra. Languidly rises and captivatingly waves. Seductively looks out of a decollete, filling a male palm gentle in And? What? What bullfinch? Ah, snegirv Forgive, otvlksya.
grif. Signature stamp bald, signature stamp white-headed, signature stamp guitar, glued. Red cedar, slip in an ebenovy tree, a LVL wire, varnishing. Strings nylon. Splittings are on sale otdelno.
orel. Bird proud. For what reason? the Nose beautiful, huh? Zhivt at tops, inaccessible to food that zhrt in neponyatno.
sova. Speak, clever. It at not the head big therefore so speak. About a horse too most speak. Heard kogdanibud that the horse received the Nobel Prize? And owl? Too did not hear? Toto. Stupid ona.
utka. The water move manages to live in Moscow. We draw a conclusion: vs vran. Actually all these ducks rubber and radio-controlled. Dissolved in the river right there replace on novykh.
kuritsa. I love. Tasty. However, I doubt that it is a bird. Judging by that, how many to be on sale ham in it special meat breed of centipedes.

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When Vovochka was asked, whether he can call five samykh
schastlivykh years in the life, he otvetil:
-Of course, it when I studied in the first grade.

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When I was 14 years old, I dreamed that once I will have a girl. In 16 years I had a girl, but between us was not strasti.
togda I decided to marry the passionate girl. In University I met the passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Each trifle turned into the scary drama and threatened it samoubiystvom.
ya decided to marry the stable woman. Upon termination of University I met very stable girl, but she was awfully boring. It was absolutely predictable and never lost the head. Life with it turned into routine, and I decided to marry the girl with izyuminkoy.
devushka with a highlight it was too restless. She constantly rushed in an extreme, forcing me to feel that superhappy, superunfortunate. It was supervigorous, but without the purposes in life. I solved marries that which has real ambitions in life. Then I found to myself the clever, ambitious girl and married on ney.
ona it was so clever and ambitious that divorced from me in a year and and seized to myself everything that I imel.
teper I grew wiser and became wise, and I look for the woman with big boobs.

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When I was young, to me the fairy godmother met and offered me on a choice - the enormous member or excellent memory for the rest of life. Now even I do not remember that I then chose...

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College of programmers. The teacher studentam:
-not only learns our college, but also saves many human lives!
-???
-Because such idiots as you, do not go to the medical!!!

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The commander causes soldata.
-You trust in life beyond the grave?
-HET.
- There to you the uncle arrived to which you on a funeral went two weeks ago!

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The cosmetics, voluminous hair and shaven feet decorate women!. but it v
reklame. And in life - the highest birth rate is observed in the countries,
gde of anything it it is not visible. Gyulchatay, close a face to the heels!

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The cat lived nine lives and got on heavens. Before it there was God and sprosil:
-I hope that to you it will be good here. Ask that zhelayesh.
-My God, - the cat answered, - all the life I ran as the madwoman, catching mice and trying to pull down though a little food. It would be good if I had not to work so uporno.
-here do not continue, - God told and gave to a cat a soft bed and much edy.
na the next day on heavens six got myshey.
-I hope that to you it will be good here. Ask that will wish, - told them appeared BOG.
-My God, we only also did all the life that got livelihood and got away from cats. We do not want to run more! Do not continue
-, - God told and gave them on skeytu.
na the next day God came to koshke:
-Well, whether you are happy with everything here?
-O yes! - the cat answered, - I like my bed, my new toys, a havka shaking here. And that snack on castors be simply hurt!

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The rat comes to a hamster and complains on zhizn:
-Listen, explain me, in what business: we with you, it seems, almost identical, blood relatives, however you live in cages jars, feed you, iron, on plechiko put, and me only poison yes beat, beat yes poison! Why so?
khomyak long thought and speaks:
-Listen, the girlfriend, or perhaps y you promotion fig?

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The grandma a goat bought. And that every day gives milk less and less. There is nothing to do, the grandma led a goat to the veterinarian. The doctor examined a poor animal and speaks:
-Yes, the grandma... A trestle zadrochenny, but will live...

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Two crocodiles on the bank of Nile lie. One asks drugogo:
- And the truth, what all mammals came from the amphibious?
-Truth. And what?
-Yes, here, I watch at a camel, and I think: that life with us, crocodiles,
delayet!

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The cat - experienced, huge lies on a heap of sawdust, all in life saw. He collapsed on the sun and thinks: "Ta-ak, now all as usual - on boxes, then on a fence, from there on a pipe on a roof, from a roof on a shed, and there and a garbage can... Or still to roll about? And, all right, I will go!" He jumped on a fence, got on a pipe. Already almost reached a roof, and the pipe and fell off! The cat with a pipe in an embrace flies and thinks: "Did not understand..."

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Lecture at medical institute. Professor:
-in human life the first two days are considered the Most dangerous!
golos with back skamyi:
-Professor, the last two days even more dangerous!

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Lecture, silent bubneniye of the teacher muffle sounds from the street: under windows of audience unload the truck with some pipes. The teacher on the course of lecture does the remark: "And this you surely write down." And in the same second one of loaders drops a pipe on a foot of other loader... The loud perfect mat is distributed. The lecturer did not become puzzled and added: "Too surely write down it, in life it is useful."

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Fly in the plane named also new Russian. Narik wanted to be pricked, and he left in a toilet. In a cabin to the pilot new Russian flies and speaks:
-Give, a loop sdelay.
-You that was stunned, For the rest of life I will provide same Boing.
-: car, house and so on...
-is fine, pristyogivaysya.
narik in a toilet in pricked. The plane made a loop and returned on a former course. Narik in tualete:
-Well and a grass, ash for a collar shitted.

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Private life too happens striped - that the blonde, the brunette.

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- In the best days of the life I am obliged to the Carpathians... As it to understand
-? You there never byl.
-I - no, but my wife annually go there to holiday.

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The lover of sex sprashivayut:
-Tell, in what meaning of life? otvechayet:
-Most cool to live
ONA and to give another …

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The major summons boytsa:
- The Private Petrov, you believe in afterlife?
-??? You on a check point the grandmother waits for
-to which you on a funeral went two weeks ago.

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Little boy and the girl consider Bram's book "Life of animals". Began to argue: - Can! - Cannot!! - Can!!! - Cannot... Let's go we will ask the grandmother. Resort on kitchen. - The grandmother, you can have children? - Well you are, darling,s of course, no. - I said to you that it a male!

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The little boy throws out an aquarium in a window and loudly rugayetsya.
prokhozhy asks:
-Why you threw out an aquarium in a window?
-Everywhere deception! Not only that I all life believed in Carlson, Piglet and Father Frost! So here still it appeared that the guinea pig not only that does not float... throws the thick recipe-book in a window. It at all not a pig!

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Mother prepares for reception of the guest. The little son asks: - Again this uncle will come? - Yes. - And again I should sleep on a floor in kitchen? - Yes. - Oh, this sexual life also bothered me!