Jokes about life

Read funny Jokes about life

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Once Vovochka approached the father and sprosil:
-Fathers, and fathers, and from where I?
OTETS was surprised, reflected for a minute and decided that generally, synu
uzhe it is time to know all truth. He in detail told him about love i
kak its result - emergence of new life. As develops plod
v to a womb of mother and as eventually the child is born. On mere
rasskaza, eyes at Vovochka became wider and wider. Kogda
papa finished, Vovochka voskliknul:
-How about that! It is healthy! Your history is much better than that, chto
me Petka told yesterday. He told that he from Novosibirsk.

*****

Once the father having many children, the miner Stakhanovite Petrov, during all day off observed a way of life of the cat, and by the evening not to strangle him out of envy, threw out on the street...

*****

Once, after three years of joint life the wife suddenly began to stick to the husband with a question of that, how many at
nego was zhenshchin.
-Well give, darling, tell me with how many women you slept?
-Lovely, it can do you rasstroit.
-Is not present, I promise I will behave and I will not become angry!
-Well. (thoughtfully) One, two, three, four, five, six, you - the seventh, eight, nine, ten,
odinadtsat, twelve...

*****

Once, after three years of joint life the wife suddenly began to stick to the husband with a question of that, how many at it was zhenshchin.
-Well give, darling, tell me with how many women you slept?
-Lovely, it can do you rasstroit.
-Is not present, I promise I will behave and I will not become angry!
-Well. (thoughtfully) One, two, three, four, five, six, you - the seventh, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve...

*****

- Again you with a cigarette, Vovochka! - the grandmother becomes angry. - And after all how many raz
tebe said, what smoking reduces zhizn.
-Yes? And how our grandfather? Smokes, and to 70 dozhil.
-Just about! Would not smoke, already eighty would

*****

Very rich 85-year-old man married 25-year model. They had a smart honeymoon on Caribbean Islands, but there the elderly newlywed had a heart attack, and it was taken away by "fast". When the young wife came to hospital to visit the husband, he speaks:
- The Darling, what to me happened, know, I already took care of your future. You will gain 250 000 dollars of a revenue. Plus the house in Paris, my lock near London and my "Rolls-Royce". You never in life should worry about dengakh.
molodaya:
-About lovely, please. do not speak so! You were so kind to me. If you die, I will go crazy! Well tell me, what I can make for you?!
husband hoarse golosom:
-For a start stop to press an oxygen hose!

*****

The man comes to a zoo the watchman to get a job. Dipektop:
- And that by the watchman that, more than anything a chtola you are not able to do?
MUZHIK:
-Yes all I am able only I brake a trifle...
dipektop:
-? Well at old work the chief so so far will give work what to make
MUZHIK:
-I will reach a working place so already and day comes to an end. Dipektop:
-it is fine, there is at us a work it seems as for you: you will guard turtles...
Ha all turtles ran away the next day. Dipektop:
- The Man, well for affairs such? As so all my turtles ?pо#бал!!! The Pancake itself I will not understand
MUZHIK:
-, I opened a cage to feed, and they - and - ak flocked an ottudova......

*****

The Georgian father calls up the syna:
-Gyvi, ti uzhe the adult, I tebe will learn life! Remember, - know Gyvi if you е@#шь costing the woman, it is resistant women if you е@#шь the woman a cancer, know, it is fatal women...
- The Father, and if menya е@#ли on bags with raisin, I that - the izyumitelny boy?

*****

The patient complains of constants head boli.
-Drink? - asks vrach.
-Never in life! Smoke
-? My God keep
-!
-A as about women?
-I I do not think about etom.
-So you the Saint person! Obviously to you nimbus neskolko
tugovat...

*****

The patient comes to hirurgu.
- The Doctor, make to me please kastratsiyu.
-Yes you that?
- The Doctor, I very much ask you. To me very much nado.
posle operations the surgeon addresses to patsiyentu:
-Why you made it? You such young, handsome man, on top form forces. You have all life ahead, you could have so many women. Tell me, why for you it was necessary? Whether See
- The doctor, I married the Jew, and at them such obychay.
-So can be to you it was necessary to circumcise? I as told
-A to you?

*****

The patient comes to the psychiatrist and zhaluyetsya:
- The Doctor, at me on all body feathers grow. I pull out them - and they again grow, help, please, I was already tired from such zhizni.
-So-so... lay down on a couch... close eyes... slowly repeat after me: "I am not a bird... on me there are no feathers... and on me never was feathers"... repeat it three times... so, well, now slowly get up... open eyes... what do you feel?
-Oh, at me any plumelet on a body did not remain, huge to you thanks, the doctor!
posle of that as the patient left, the psychiatrist addresses to medsestre:
-Call, please, the cleaner, and then all floor in feathers!

*****

Pediatr.
ochen cruel men. If all other doctors get us already at conscious age, pediatricians are ready to deprive of us the finest days of our life - our childhood.

*****

The first grader Vovochka comes on September 1st after school home, and speaks:
- The Father, I the girl pulled today a braid, and it me stuknula
uchebnikom on the head!
-A anybody to you, the son, also did not promise easy life!

*****

Before sex you help to undress each other! After sex you dress only yourself!
moral: Nobody will help with life to you when has you!

*****

- Why did the rooster singing all my life?
- Because he had many wives and a single mother in law.

*****

The rooster arrived from the village to the city colleague and speaks:
-Poydem to trample down hens?! Whether
Da costs?! So measured life... Let's Will go grains we will find, we will peck?! Whether
Da costs?! Maybe we will go to cookery to naked women the pomotry????!!!!

*****

- As, your way, who is wittier: men or women?
-Of course, men! That they offer women, wives-
shchiny laugh all life.

*****

The lieutenant Rzhevsky comes to officer meeting and speaks:
-Everything, the Lord, will be enough бл#дей and bachelorhood! It is solved,
zhenyus on Natasha Rostova! In one golos:
-Ho after all it is married
gysapy to Pierre, the lieutenant!
rzhevsky, with amazement splashing pykami:
-Natasha is married to Pierre?! And so who in next komnate
kazhduyu snores night! And that took: ''manual bear, ruchnoy
medved...''

*****

Under windows roddoma:
-Svetka-a-a-a!!! Sve-e-e-e-t!!! Hi! Well, chyo, gave rise?
-Yes, Kohl!
-of Whom???
-Girl!
-A-a-a-a-a … And how it? Beautiful?
-Very much! Simply charm!
-A hair what?
-Belenky! The blonde it at us!
-is clear … Tells something? Ne-e-e-t
-, so far only smiles!
-is clear … And will be all life.

*****

- Please do not worry - the surgeon speaks to the patient lezhashchemu
na operational stole.
-But the doctor, is my first operation in zhizni.
-Well and what? I have it too the first operation, but I that keep!

*****

The elderly woman rings a door to the neigbour and speaks:
-something hurts me a stomach, you could not borrow me a hot-water bottle? You know
-, I do not have it, I in this case put on a stomach of the cat, and all pains as a hand removes. If you wish, I can borrow to you ego.
-Big to you spasibo.
na the next day the mistress of a cat goes to the old woman to take away the pet. Only the door was slightly slightly opened, from there the cat right there runs out and disappears in "the" apartment. Then there is also an old woman at whom on a face and on hands of a live place is not present from scratches, and speaks:
-you look that your cat made with me!
-is strange: it never was earlier aggressive. And what at you occurred here?
- When I inserted to it into the back a funnel, it was still more or less quiet but when I began to fill in hot water there, he simply flew into a rage!

*****

The elderly Jew all life prayed to God, begging for himself for a big prize in lotereyu.
kazhdy day it regularly uplifted a prayer with this request, so far, at last ne
dostal it God in the end. Once again that was to it and vzmolilsya:
-Haim Abramovich! Well give me though one chance! Buy at least odin
lotereyny the ticket!

*****

Caught the Jew on border (was going to get away)
-That you here delayete
-I Crap...
-So shit dog??
-A life kakya???

*****

While we complained of life, it ended...

*****

The colonel Isaev after war lives in Leningrad - and one day
ego priglashayut
v school for the story about the heroic everyday life. He prikhodit
-in ordenakh
i in general tells all about life in Germany and offers
zadavat questions.
vstayot Vovochka (Mar Ivanovna strains) and speaks:
- When I grow up - that I will become the scout and I will protect nashu
kommunisticheskuyu the homeland (Mar Ivanovna relaxes) - and tell,
VY in Germany banged many Germans?
-Oh, yes, I remember a case in Dresden...
-is not necessary, companion Isaev, - interrupts it the teacher, - luchshe
pro with Berlin
rasskazhite - and you, Putin, in school with parents tomorrow!

*****

Colonel: "Soldier's life is hard! For example, I did not receive a medal for January!"

*****

Sexual life too happens striped: that blonde, brunette.

*****

The mother-in-law died at the man. Well, clearly, funeral and other. Relatives say goodbye. Approach and in turn kiss it on a forehead. And zyatek too approached and nestled to it the head and so that cannot come off. One his friend asks:
-Listen, you hated it during lifetime, and now here pretend...
-U me from a budunishch a head breaks up, and it such cold, such cold...

*****

The mother-in-law died at the man. Well, clearly, funeral and other. Relatives say goodbye. Approach and in turn kiss it on a forehead. And zyatek too approached and nestled to it the head and so that cannot come off. One his friend to it speaks:
-Listen, you at life hated it, and now here pretend...
-U me from a budunishch a head breaks up, and it such cold, such cold....

*****

The prostitute, the homosexual and the cadet of a military college got on the desert island. - Shoot the homosexual, - the prostitute speaks to the cadet, - and then we will begin to live normal sexual life. - Shoot the prostitute, - the homosexual speaks, - and then we will begin to live normal sexual life. The cadet thought-thought, shot both of them and began to live normal sexual life.

*****

It is quite possible to get to paradise during lifetime - to be born a cat in the fish case of the market enough...

*****

After ship-wreck on the desert island there are 7 women who escaped passazhirov:
6 and 1 man. Nobody comes to the rescue of them next day, neither in a week, nor through dve.
togda they agree among themselves, the man will satisfy with
chto each woman of times in nedelyu
po turns (at everyone the day), and on Sundays it will have a day off. At first everything goes normally, but a month later - other man starts feeling fatigue from such life and every time looks forward to day off. Only one thought is at the tip of the tongue of it: that it had a workmate. And here day when one more ship crashed came and on the island came only survived passazhir.
muzhik runs up to it and joyfully speaks:
-You do not represent as I am glad you here to see!
-Oh, and would be known by you as I am glad you to see, sweet you mine!

*****

After several years of family life: - It is the truth that I promised you golden mountains when we got married, but conversation on the washing machine was not.

*****

After operation, the movie star is interested in y vracha:
- When I am able to renew normal sexual life?
-Is hard to say, - the doctor became puzzled, - to me still never set a similar question after removal of tonsils.

*****

After a wedding sit at a table the husband the wife (the young you tobit) and teshcha.
husband dictates laws new zhizni:
- The salary and a salary of the wife I will dispose!
Wife:
-Is not present allow....
husband (striking with a fist on a table shouts):
-Ya the OWNER IN the HOUSE!!! Further: all homework is done by the mother-in-law!
TESHCHA:
-Is not present allow....
husband (in the same vein):
-Ya the OWNER IN the HOUSE!!! Further: I will sleep with the wife and the mother-in-law in night!
Wife:
-Is not present allow.... You heard
TESHCHA:
-: HE is an OWNER IN the HOUSE!!!!

*****

After the fortieth anniversary of joint life the husband speaks zhene:
-As everything is interesting in life is arranged! Forty years ago we removed a poor little room … Slept on a floor, and
nas had a black- And-white TV. And now we have everything! Mansion, smart furniture, car, plasma … But
copok of years back I fell down with the eighteen-year-old girl, and now with fifty vosmiletny grandmother …
Wife otvechayet:
-I do not see a problem! Find to yourself the eighteen-year-old girl, and again there will be at you a poor little room,
NA dream to a floor and the black- And-white TV. I promise it to you

*****

Why the rooster sings all life?
-Because at it is a lot of wives and any mother-in-law.

*****

The very young blonde to the schoolmate went to do mathematics in the evening and came back home only utrom.
roditeli in a trance. And the blonde twirls pants on a finger and I speak roditelyam:
-I do not know as it is called, but this hobby for the rest of life!

*****

- Whether the truth, what the married live more long than bachelors? - No, simply life seems to them more long...