Jokes about life

Read funny Jokes about life

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Mother with the daughter sit on kukhne.
doch: - Mother, and how much time you need to look for love?
MAMA: - All life... But, whiling away time, it is possible to marry.

*****

- Mother, tell, my grandfather was a proctologist?
-your grandfather was the well-known proctologist!
-A father too proctologist?
-your father - the remarkable proctologist!
-A I when I grow up?
-I you, I am sure, will become the excellent

*****

Mother asks the daughter after two months of family life posledney:
-Well how the husband treats you?
-is fine that I will not ask - everything pokupayet.
-Means ask a little!

*****

Mart. On a roof sit a cat with kotikhy and shout. KOT:
-I for you am ready to give life!
koshka: - How many time?...

*****

Mart. On a roof sit a cat with a cat and shout. KOT:
-I for you am ready to give life! Koshka:
-How many time?

*****

Mother is advised docheri:
-by You now the wife. A lot of things in your life will be in a different way. It is a pity that you do not know how to cook. These parasites like nourishingly and to eat well. But if you cannot make a lunch, has to teach it the husband. They trustful and naive...

*****

The millionaire is madly in love and wants to marry. Once he speaks to the izbrannitse:
-As you watch not together to spend my income? I soglasna.
-I want to tell
-of Darling that we did it all zhizn.
-Oh, I do not think that on it a lot of time will be required!

*****

- Darling, you love me? - Well, I love. - No, you tell simply, without any _nu_. - Well, I love. - And without _khorosho_. Tell that you love me more life. - I love you more life. - You lie! - No, I do not lie. Since we got married, I this life to suffer

*****

- Darling, and you remember, what today day?
husband : - Yes, of course, - also leaves on rabotu.
3 o'clock in the afternoon - the courier brings to the wife a dress from the husband. 4 hours - a call to a door - on a threshold flowers. At 7 o'clock the

*****

Many people managed to improve considerably the life thanks to lekarstvam.
naprimer, to druggists...

*****

- My cat in a past life was a bailiff ...
- Describes property?
- Not only ... Today, in the hallway and even Arrest ...

*****

The young wife awakes the young husband on rabotu:
-Darlings, hoots gudochek!
through is 10 years old joint zhizni:
-Mudilo, hoots awoke

*****

The young wife complains podruge:
-with it I will not live!
-You that?! Why???
-came to a bedroom in the Evening, I speak to it:
-Lovely, let me be from above? "
-A it?
-A on:
-is good, expensive!, lays down on a stomach and moves apart feet...

*****

The young wife after the first week of matrimonial life: - What you for the person?! On Monday you ate beans, on Tuesday ate, on Wednesday and Thursday too ate, and on Friday suddenly thought up that cannot suffer them!

*****

The young woman married the old count. At night the count knocks at the door of her bedroom: - It I, expensive, came to fulfill the conjugal duty. The countess is pleasantly surprised. The count fulfills a duty and leaves. In 15 minutes - again knock at a door: - Darling I came to fulfill the conjugal duty. Executed, left. And so - 8 times! On the ninth, tired and struck, the countess does not maintain: - But, the count, you already fulfilled the conjugal duty! - Yes?. Damed sclerosis! (From life of aristocrats)

*****

The young woman told the doctor that she badly feels recently. After inspection the doctor told that it beremenna.
-But it is impossible. I never was with the man!
doktor patiently explained her the vital facts with some podrobnostyami.
-Here to you time! - she told. - And this first-aid treatment instructor told me that it is called as an artificial respiration.

*****

Young mother - whether prodavtsu:
-seems to you, what the toy is too difficult for the kid?
-Is not present, it is just designed for accustoming the child to modern life. As if the kid tried to put it, at him all the same it will turn out nothing...

*****

The young husband complains to the father that cannot begin sexual life with the zhenoy:
-Ne, lize in any way, the father. .
otets gives to it advice to use sour cream in krinke.
na the next day the son again zhaluyetsya:
-Ta ne lize, the father, and at a krinka ne lize...

*****

The young soldier who arrived home to holiday told the parents o
svoyey lives. Suddenly he broke off and stared in a window at four girls going po
ulitse. Mother whispered to the father: "Look, our boy already grew up. To army he vovse
ne was lost in contemplation of girls". Their son watched closely girls, poka
oni did not disappear from a look. Then it turned and disappointedly said:
-One of them went without cadence.

*****

The young farmer who is called up for military service in the letter home napisal:
"This army life - continuous pleasure. It is possible to lie in to five o'clock in the morning".

*****

The young man in a bed make love to the girl. Girl, after konchila:
-Wow! Wow! Darling, I such still never in life tested! It was something magnificent... Well tell honestly - Viagra, Viagra, huh?!
-is better! Rastishka from Danon!

*****

The young Frenchwoman put on operation. Having regained consciousness from an anesthesia, she asked: - When my husband and I are able to renew normal sexual life? - I have to look in the medical books. You the first patient who asks me about it after removal of almonds.

*****

My village so wild that I heard the first not abusive words in the life in army...

*****

My cat thinks that I live at her. And sometimes in her look I catch a hint that it is time for me to live separately.

*****

- My dog rescued to me zhizn.
-As it turned out?
-Ya was sick, and it did not allow the doctor to enter my house.

*****

The husband and the wife discuss the budget. Everything to the last cent leaves on life, and they would like a few
otkladyvat. The wife argues vslukh:
-Perhaps to us it is necessary to borrow a little money every month and to postpone them?

*****

The husband and the wife note thirty-five-year-old joint life. The husband speaks:
-you Remember, thirty five years ago, we removed the cheap apartment, slept on the cheap sofa, watched black- And-white TV... Now we have everything - expensive house, expensive furniture, the machine and the plasma TV. But thirty five years ago I slept with the very young 21-year-old girl, and now it is necessary to sleep with the 56-year-old woman.

*****

The husband and the wife have a car accident. The husband gets off light - the wife in
reanimatsii... There is a doctor from operational and tells muzhu:
- At me mlokhy news... At your wife the backbone is killed... So now it is necessary to you every day
NE on time to take out from under it a duck....
-B..... - the husband ponik.
-besides at it a strong injury of the head... She will live as a plant, you should feed her through
zond...
-P...-husband in nokaute.
-It still that! All other vital bodies work perfectly well! So she will live SO as early as years of 40
minimum...
-......!!!!!!!!!
-All right, relax, the man! I joked! She DIED!!!

*****

The husband with the wife gather for a party. Put on, left light in a hall, included an answering machine, covered a parrot, expelled a cat to the yard, called a taxi by phone. In a few minutes drives a taxi. Only the husband opened a door, the koshara slipped in the house, knowing perfectly that time owners leave, it will be possible with impunity to try to appropriate a parrot. The wife went to a taxi, and the husband returned to the house to catch an animal and to turn out back home. That escaped on a ladder upward, the husband behind it. At this time the wife, sitting down in a taxi and without wishing that drove knew that stays at home nobody, says that the husband now will return, and in general went to wish her to mummy good night... Some minutes later the husband leaves the house and sits down in a taxi. Wife:
-Darling, that so long?
-Yes this cattle was hammered under a bed, it was necessary to pull out it a hanger from there. Still hands scratched everything, a reptile. It was necessary to roll up a creature in a blanket, then to drag this fat bum on a ladder down and to throw out to the yard!

*****

The husband (it is slightly drunk, the timid wife): Suck off to me at least once in life, expensive!
Wife (it is revolted up to the soul depth): Yes you for whom take me?! Yes I such did not do NEVER IN LIFE, to ANYBODY! Also I will not make! Husband: persuades doooolgo.
Wife: doooolgo refuses (that indignantly, reddening) .
husband (promayavshis a solid hour): Well I beg-uuu
Wife you (wearily): Well, there will be to you a cocksucking... Only you in me do not finish, and that at me from it usually heartburn happens.

*****

The man just terminated. Lies, looks at the wife and dumayet:
"it is possible to Enjoy life silently..."

*****

The man on a beach comes on saving stantsiyu.
-Children, matches will not be?
-Here lighter! And to light will not be?
-Yes please, as is wished!
-Well, thanks!
-Yes have nothing! Well as here at you affairs how life, mood? With
-Yes so-so, we work pomalenku.
-Summer painfully roast now, to breathe there is nothing! Do not tell
-! Poobgoreli everything, on a horse-radish! And in general year now the heavy!
-Yes, around nightmare one! Price
-A, their mother! Da- And
-!....
.....
-Well, all right, children, went I. Yes, that came? A- And, the mother-in-law of wons it seems sinks!

*****

The man brought a goat on an exhibition sobak.
-Register us, You're welcome.
-Yes same a goat! It has a beard!
-Is a riesenschnauzer! Horn
-A? I will ask not to be put by
-A in private life of my dog!

*****

The man comes to the doctor and complains of a constant headache. The doctor conducts careful examination, checks all analyses, carries out a consultation, and as a result, after month of any tests, X-rays and analyses, tells to the patient:
-it is possible to get rid Of your headache only in one way: you should amputate eggs.
bolnoy shocked. But, there is not nothing to do, he can suffer further any more, agrees to operation. Amputated. Really, the headache passed.
spustya some time, this man decides to sew to itself a suit at the good master. The tailor, having looked once at the man, speaks to it: So-so, we have
- The 40th size of a collar, the 42nd size of a shirt, the 43rd a jacket, the 44th trousers here, and the 40th size of pants.
muzhchina delightfully answers:
-Now that's something like it! It is necessary, almost everything was defined correctly! Here only I all life wear pants not the 40th, but the 39th size.
-of It cannot be! If you wore pants of the 39th size, they strongly would press to you on eggs, and you from it constantly would be hurt by the head...

*****

The man decided to marry, but only on the honest girl. Gives one home, the member and asks:
-What is it?
-As that shows it? The member, - answers ona.
ne approaches, time already knows. At last, he brought the girl and on his question she otvetila:
-Pipiska.
muzhik was delighted, married her. In a month of matrimonial life it it again asks:
-What is it? to
- The Willy, - answers ona.
-What it is a willy is a member! What
-is the member? Here Ivan has a member, and it so - a willy!

*****

The man in a toilet looks at the konets:
-Listen as so, after all we with you all life vmeste.
rodilis together, went to school together, the first little girl together, then in institute, then married, worked together, well why you died earlier, than I as so it turned out!

*****

The man unloads two color TVs from mashiny.
-Why to you two TVs?
-A the mother-in-law told that half-lives will give for the color TV.

*****

The man complained to the doctor of fading of the sexual life with zhenoy.
doktor advised it to avoid monotony, to bring a variety i
nezaplanirovannost.
through month, on repeated reception at the doctor, the man rasskazyvayet:
- The Doctor as you advised, decided to make something sudden. V
proshluyu Friday asked for leave on an hour from work earlier, arrived home, tikho
zashel to the apartment, found the wife in kitchen, right there broke from it everything odezhdu
i made love directly on kitchen stole.
-Well and how?
-Well, was pleasant to us, but come to the wife on tea school podruzhki
byli are a little dumbfounded!

*****

The man on reception at the surgeon: - The doctor, I have a life - one flour, the member shot up to knees, truncate to the normal sizes. - Well, in the operational. Laid, bound, entered sleeping pill, but forgot to ask, where to cut. Invited the female surgeon. Goes round a table, the head swings and sighs. - And know that, boys, why a thing to spoil, give better than a foot to it we will increase.