Jokes about life

Read funny Jokes about life

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The teacher aged "a demon in an edge" speaks studentke:
-I loved only three women For all life: mother, wife and,
prostite, what is your name?

*****

Prepodavatel:
-for the period of session you should forget about personal zhizni.
vstayet student:
- And what for the blonde you brought it into restaurant yesterday?
golos for kadrom:
-Sergey Petrov, future private of the Russian army …

*****

Sentenced the Russian man for murder to death. And business was on Chukotka. To Abramovich … Chukchi also suggest the man to choose
NU how to be executed: execution, a poveshaniye or gas kamera.
stal that to think. The Chukchi's shooters good, hunters so will shoot without miss. And will hang up too easily. And here with a gas chamber can that at them and will not leave - can gas not will or the gate zarzhaveet.
ponadeyalsya into Russian "perhaps" and chose gas kameru.
i there came day of execution. 3avodyat the man in fresh linen in a gas chamber. He looked round and was delighted - guessed! The door iron, walls strong, and is also not present a ceiling, the sky blue above! Now Chukchi can include the gas - all the same everything upward will leave! With relief the man also looked at
vzdokhnul in the blue sky …
poslednee that he saw in this life was the huge gas cylinder flying to it on golovu.
gazovaya a chamber, however …

*****

Arrived on a visit to newlyweds teshcha.
sidyat all at a table, uzhinayut.
had the mother-in-law hang chasy.
teshcha ate and went to wash ruki.
tolko she left - fall chasy.
husband revolted golosom:
-Here all life they lag behind!

*****

The patient comes to the doctor. All nervous, under eyes circles, constantly looks back …
- The Doctor at me a problem!
-That at you, old man?
-is a sofa At my place. I go to bed on this sofa, I put out the light, and here to me starts seeming that under a sofa someone sits: such shaggy, terrible … To me it is terrible, but I overcome myself, I get up, I look under a sofa. And here starts seeming to me that so far I under a sofa, there someone from above on a sofa: such shaggy, terrible … I collect will power I climb on a sofa, and here to me starts over again to seem that under a sofa someone sits: such shaggy, terrible … its
doktor vyslushal:
-Well, old man, you have a typical case of a mental disorder, is described in literature … I will prescribe you hypnosis sessions, special pricks, vitamins, etc. From you two thousand dollarov.
patsiyent:
-Hm, the doctor, money rather big … It is necessary to think …
ukhodit and vanishes for ever. In half a year the doctor meets that man at a stop by chance - the man vigorous, cheerful, cheerful. It is interesting to the doctor, he asks:
- And than then all konchilos:
tot otvechayet:
-Yes me the neighbor for a vodka bottle vylechil.
-But how?!
-Yes took and legs at a sofa sawed off!

*****

The daughter very late home comes, twirls on a finger the shorts and all directly shines with happiness...
MAMA is dumbfounded it asks:
-You where was? What happened?! I do not know
-Ya that happened, but now it will be my hobby for the rest of life!.

*****

The old man comes to an office to one famous doctor with bogatoy
praktikoy.
-Understand, the doctor, all the life I very much loved women. Loved blondes, brunettes, generally, the most different... Yes, I you understood
-. But I am not engaged in venereal diseases...
-Is not present, you did not understand me. I loved them on - to a miscellaneous. But more vsego
me it was pleasant to love them in cars. Especially in different smart,
sportivnykh. Tried almost all cars. I did it in "Alfa
romeo", in "Porsche", in "Jaguar", in "Pontiac"... there such poses...
-A, now I understood. Now you have because of it a radiculitis, arthrosis...
-Yes anything podobnogo.
-So that you came? Do not borrow the
-"Ferrari" for day?

*****

The old man comes to an office to one famous doctor with rich practice, rasskazyvayet:
-Understand, the doctor, all the life I very much loved women. Loved blondes, brunettes, generally, the most different... Yes, yes - I you understood
-. But I am not engaged in venereal diseases...
-Is not present, you did not understand me. I loved them on a miscellaneous. But most of all I liked to love them in cars. Especially in different smart, sports. Tried almost all cars. I it did in "Alpha Romeo", in "Porsche", in "Jaguar", in "Pontiac" - there such poses...
-A-a-a... Now I understood. Now you have because of it a radiculitis, arthrosis...
-Yes anything similar!
-So that you came? Do not borrow the
-"Ferrari" for day?

*****

The construction worker to doktoru:
- The Doctor comes, help, a lock!
-Take off trousers, we will look...
posle of some osmotra:
-Darling, lay down on a table a stomach...
rabochy obediently to lay down, the doctor goes for a screen, comes back with beysbolnoy
bitoy in hands and with all the might beats the worker on zadnitse.
- And now go opravtes!
rabochy runs away, in five minutes comes back and it is joyful sprashivaet:
- The Doctor, an as to you IT worked well?
-of Darling if you do not stop wiping bags from under cement I farther will not be able to help you!!!

*****

Two men on a visit to the companion come to think for three, but anybody is not present doma.
sosedi explain supposedly the mother-in-law died - and now all on a funeral. Those na
kladbishche also see a picture - the son-in-law at the mother-in-law coffin, dropped to it: breasts, kissed v
obe cheeks, nestled on a forehead and long - long does not come off. at, at people around na
glaza tears - it is necessary as the person will grieve. Procedure zakanchivayetsya
-two approach the man and ask with nedoumeniyem:
-Listen, what the pier happened? You with it all life as a cat with a dog, and here takaya
lyubov suddenly prosnulas.
-Yes understand, rebyata, - grit zyatek. As it, appears, presented, well, ya
vse three days and made sour on pleasures. Today on a funeral, the wife pokhmelitsya does not give,
VO to a mouth such protoxides-peroxides, and the head simply collapses. at, I look - the mother-in-law,
provozhat is necessary, I dropped to her - and she such holo - about - odnenkaya!

*****

Rabinovich to the sexopathologist came. So supposedly and so. Any polovoy
zhizni.
- And when you last time slept with the wife? Yes I also do not remember
-. It is possible, I will call it and I will ask?. Hallo! Tsilya, my
kogda with you last time struck? Who it tells
-A?

*****

The unfortunate Jew frayed by life came to the rabbi and speaks:
-Tell me why rich people do not notice anybody around, and think only of themselves? Well it very long to explain
-, I am better on an example for you I will show. Here, look in a window, what you see there? I see
-Ya, Abram goes from a synagogue, opposite in a window I see Sara … Oh, and her daughter undresses …
-Well will be enough to stare, Moysha, and now look in a mirror. What do you see there? That can I see
-A in a mirror? Only sebya.
-Here, Moysha. A window - from glass, and a mirror - from glass, but it should be added a little silver - and you see only yourself.

*****

Make experiment on survival. To the locked rooms put the engineer, physics and mathematics. before everyone the closed chest with food. In few weeks open the room of the engineer. The chest is open, the engineer is full, happy zhiznyyu.
pokazyvayet gvozd
-Here, from nailing bent a master key, opened zamok.
zakhodyat to the physicist. The chest is carried in chips, the physicist is full, happy. Shows a leaf with raschetami:
-Here calculated where at a chest a weak place, knocked, it and rassypalsya.
zakhodyat to the mathematician. The chest is closed, a floor, walls, everything is used up formulami.
na to a floor sits angry, become unproductive matematik:
-So, we will try to go by contradiction. Let's assume, the chest is open...

*****

Broke through the sewerage. The plumber with the trainee left remontirovat.
santekhnik dives into the hatch. Then vynyrivayet:
- The Student, a key on ten!
stazher gives. The plumber nyryaet.
opyat vynyrivayet:
- The Key on fifteen!
I again dives … some minutes get out
through, rubs off shit from a face and speaks stazheru:
-Study, the student, and all life keys you will give that!

*****

The new Russian wakes up, looks at the watch - 9-00. Washes, odevayetsya
i goes to have breakfast. Sits down to a table, looks at the watch - 9-30. Zakanchivayet
zavtrakat, looks at the watch - 10-00. Asks the wife: "Katya, in kotorom
chasu at me a meeting with the Minister of Finance?" "At 12-00 the uncle will be tebya
zhdat" - the wife answers. New Russian sits down in a chair, lights i
dumayet: "How I managed to achieve everything in life? Studied at school badly, v
institute did not study, in what a success secret? In, I punctual!"

*****

The student wakes up in the morning. In the head only noise and one thought: "Devil, today examination". It is hardly filled up in institute, finds the necessary audience. Anybody, without learning, buys the ticket, sits down at a school desk. Suddenly understands that cannot answer one question. Asks at the left on the right. Writes off in front, behind. At the end of examination approaches the teacher and gives pieces of paper. - All right, that you wrote here, three balls I will deliver you. Will arrange? - Yes. - Give a record book... No, I in life saw a lot of things but that the second-year student passed examination for the third - never.

*****

Professor-biologist gives lecture studentam:
-Obviously that the first two hours per lives of any zhivogo
sushchestva are for him the most dangerous period...
ODIN from students kills it voprosom:
-But whether it seems to you, as the last two hours are not deprived izvestnogo
riska?

*****

Professor gives lecture about relationship of floors. One of its subjects - intensity of sexual life. A question to auditorii:
-Who from you comes into contact once a day? - a quarter zala.
vtoroy a question to auditorii:
-raises hands Who from you comes into contact once a week? - the most part of the hall raises hands. And, at last, the last question :
-Who from you comes into contact once a year? - unexpectedly from a back row the guy and oret:
-I jumps! Professor! It I!
-Hmm-m... Interestingly, the young man and to that you so rejoice? Understand
-, professor, - chokes with delight that, is proizoydet
segodnya!

*****

Rabinovich meets Abramovich and zhaluyetsya:
-Not life, but some nightmare, from office discharged, the wife left, the son put...
-of Anything, anything, - Abramovich, - life, it, as a zebra, a strip black, a strip white, a strip black, a strip white calms it. So not rasstraivaysya.
through month they meet again, and Rabinovich speaks:
-Listen, you when spoke about a zebra, were really right - then I had a white strip.

*****

Rabinovich comments on George Bush's visit in Kiyev:
-Not. well sho these inhabitants of Kiev to themselves got a false idea! The most famous clown of times in life arrived to Ukraine, and not to let him to us, to Odessa?!

*****

- Only once in life I tested the real, gloomy horror - kogda
ponyala that our cat learned to open the refrigerator.

*****

Two doctors talk: - Know, the colleague, at menya
byl ten years ago a case when the patient on all canons had to die, and it i
segodnya still zhiv.
-Here see the colleague if the person really wants to live,
meditsina is powerless here.

*****

Two talk vracha:
-Know, the colleague, ten years ago I had a case when the patient on all canons had to die, and he and is still living today. - Here see the colleague if the person really wants to live, the medicine is powerless here.

*****

Friends talk. One asks:
-your husband still makes of life light?
-Yes, for it exist only two troubles. The first - where to find money for binge. The second - where
vzyat of money for an opokhmelka.

*****

chuvstv:
07:00 - 07:05 - Len.
07:05 - 07:10 - Neokhota.
07:10 - 07:11 - Call of duty (not to forget) the schedule.
07:11 - 07:50 - Full decline sil.
07:50 - 08:30 - Hatred to the neighbor, rage, rage, holod.
08:30 - 11:45 - Indifference, boredom, nedovolstvo.
11:45 - 12:00 - Golod.
12:00 - 12:30 - Weight in all body, rest, udvoletvorennost.
12:30 - 16:15 - Indifference, dullness, melancholy, causeless trevoga.
16:15 - 16:30 - Golod.
16:30 - 16:40 - Weight in all body, rest, udvoletvorennost.
16:40 - 19:59 - Len.
19:59 - 20:00 - Improbable effort voli.
20:00 - 22:30 - Ease in a body, interest in life, kayf.
22:30 - 23:00 - Lyubov.
23:00 - 00:00 - Need for continuation roda.
00:00 - 00:01 - Schastye.
00:01 - 00:05 - the Remorse, repentance, styd.
00:05 - 07:00 - Nausea, heartburn, head bol.
07:00 - 07:05 - Laziness.

*****

- To tell a new joke from life about the mother-in-law?
-Well, rasskazhi.
-Arrived to me the mother-in-law, drank a tea and promised not priyezzhat.
-Everything any more?
-VSE.
-A in what here salt?
-A salt in sugar.

*****

Reporters interview the 19th summer model which nedavno
vyshla in marriage for 80 summer magnates, and became now vdovoy.
-Tell, your sexual life was likely not really long,
V of communication with death of the husband.!? Everything was so fine
-. Every Sunday, in the morning, we zanimalis
lyubovyyu under low sounds of a church bell, it was also necessary takomu
sluchitsya that in one fine revival row the DINDINDINDIN fire truck passed........

*****

Solved Ilya Muromets, Elena Premudraya and the Baba-yaga in Moskvu
podatsya appears, to enter the institutes. Well also arrived: Ilya in sports,
lenka in MSU, and the Baba-yaga in MIREA. Meet through some time.
zaveli a market about life studencheskuyu.
ilya: - I at us at institute the strongest!
elena: - Hm, you will think, strong. I here the cleverest!
BABA of Yaga: - Ha, you strong, you clever, and I but the most beautiful!

*****

Russian sprashivayut:
-you will depart To space?
-If party will order - polechu.
- And what you want to have for it? Of Glory I want
-!
-is good, will be to you slava.
ukraintsa sprashivayut:
-To space will depart?
-If party will order, of course, polechu.
- And what you want for it?
- The Hut ashore of Dnepra.
-is good, will be to you hata.
gruzina sprashivayut:
-To space will depart?
-O than, to the genatsvala, you tell?! If the party orders, I will surely treat! That you for it want to have
-A? Million hochu.
-Listen to
-, Givi, why to you one million?
-As what for?! It is live I will remain - I will live well, and I will be lost - children well to live budut.
-Well, Givi, will be to you million.
evreya sprashivayut:
-To space will depart?
-Well. If the party orders, what I need to do? It is necessary letet.
- And what you for it want?
-Ya to a holch for it three milliona.
-Where to you three million?
-Where where? Million - You, one million - me, and one million - to the one who will depart.

*****

The curious history is connected with abortions in my life. There was time when to make abortions was difficult and nobody wanted publicity. I, working at "Beacon", he was familiar with the head of a chair of Institute of improvement of doctors professor Vanik Saakovich Pogosov, in turn, - with the chief physician of one of the best maternity hospitals of the capital. My colleague who needed to make abortion, asked to help. The letter on the editorial form to Pogosov, it - on the form of institute - to the chief physician of maternity hospital. Text absolutely innocent:" We ask to direct on inspection the employee of institute the so- And-so". And in words V. S. Pogosov reported that "this lady from Shakhidjanyan" and that it is necessary to help. Then other lady asked me to promote, the third... As usual, on the editorial form - to Pogosov, it on the form - to the chief physician of maternity hospital. Call to maternity hospital. All were happy! The thunder burst on the banquet devoted to the 30 anniversary of work of the chief physician of maternity hospital. Toasts in honor of the hero of the anniversary were said one by one, the situation became more easy. As suddenly the chief physician, the solid Georgian decided to tell a toast. - And I here suggest to drink for... Shakhidjanyan. You do not even represent what is the person! This year to me 20 women came to maternity hospital. And all - from it! But that they by all means wanted to interrupt pregnancy, it is fine. But here that I will not understand in any way: what women are loved by Shakhidjanyan?! Full or thin?! Blondes or brunettes?! Young or old?! Tatars, Armenians, Russians?! No, here let he now will answer, what?! And still the question - as managed it, Shakhidjanyan to send to abortion of two lesbians? Here I in general lost a speech power. Let's drink for Shakhidjanyan Vladimir Vladimirovich which everything can do.

*****

Subject: possesses function of an urination in a toilet, lying on the TV, having lowered a tail on the screen and irrepressible cheerfulness. Function of food is debugged simply splendidly: with pleasure guzzles even bread and macaroni. And I give all this happiness just like that, for good people it is not a pity!
-Brand? Glitches are not present? It Apgreyditsya? Manibek? Guarantee? The mouse identifies?

*****

The best in life - the mother-in-law! Here posudite.
vstayesh in the morning, without having slept, one work faster. You go by the bus, an electric train - around spiteful ghouls, the zombie. In total will rumple, feet will crush, the reek of alcohol will make the air, will have a sleep on tebe; here something rests against a hip, in the head: "Though it would be phone or an umbrella …". You come for work, the administration puts at once a cancer and without vaseline … 12 hours run, the ass in soap, a spine is not bent, feet hoot, in 5 minutes until the end of change sat down to take rest, and you: "Chyo, work is not present?! Penalty 1000r!". You go home, the next opposition, only already with poddaty students, bums and pensioners who were "tired" on a kitchen garden. You come crawling home, after a shower you prepare for yourself to devour (because the wife, poor, was tired for all day of sitting at a forum: eyes hurt and fingers ache from the keyboard). Sat down to have supper before a computer that at the same time to check mail, the wife with cries right there (as though watches) rushes: "Again on the Internet? Go with children sit, I want to have a rest". Without having devoured up to the end, there are to spinogryza, they: draw the Pokemon, stick together a bakugan, make "самолётик" … At last, children are put to bed. Wife, hopefully: "Darling, you want sex? Here only I will add the comment, wait five minutes". Further for these five-minute two hours you listen: "Well I should answer", "Well do not fall asleep", "Still a couple of minutes". At last, at a forum there are no new subjects, letters, comments. Long-awaited pleasure …, unfortunately, not for me. For half an hour you receive orders: "more slowly", "it is not so deep", "more feasibly". After satisfaction of the wife sex gains character of "an onanism without hands" - terminated, and that thank God … Then all night long you wake up from nightmares of the endured day, and then all over again. Days off came. Slept? Yes h*y to you! 7:00 - "You absolutely okhrenet perhaps to sleep still? Get up to feed children. Let's me have a sleep". Also all morning is farther, being covered with the crown phrase "I in a week was tired, it is possible I though during week-end I will have a rest" (I, probably, on Hawaii was bulged all week), work with children, take a walk with a dog, to consider a cat's toilet, take out garbage … But there comes on a visit the mother-in-law as long I waited for her. Children, having received from it gifts, run up at once on the rooms. Animals cease to want to eat, walk at once, in a toilet, they are slaughtered on corners and silently there simply exist. Houses at once the garbage vanishes. The wife right there feels inflow of forces and, throwing a forum, the series and pizdezh by phone, jumps up to wash the dishes, to prepare a zhrachka, to clean a plate. And the mother-in-law is filled in with the melodious monotonous hysterics, lecture about life under which you forget about all the problems, about work, and sitting on a sofa with a wide pleased smile, relax and derive pleasure maximum, days off, at last, began. After all the mother-in-law - the best being!

*****

- Swine! I gave you the best years of my life! Spent all youth for you! To me ruined all life!!!
-Masha, will be enough to talk to the diploma.

*****

Three medical students pass examination. The first vyzyvayut
amerikanskogo the student, two show him skeleta:
-That you can tell about them?
-On the right at the left a skeleton of the man who died at the age of 63 years ot
insulta.
Put a skeleton of the woman who died at the age of 45 years from raka
zheludka 5 and released. Call the German, the same question .
-a skeleton of the man who died at the age of 63 years ot
insulta, during life having a fracture of the left hip, sprava
skelet the woman who died at the age of 45 years from cancer of a stomach,
imevshey during life a brain sotriaseniye At the left. Too released s
piaterkoy. Cause Soviet studenta.
- That you can tell about these skeletons? - Well pogliadit
Molchaniye.
on them, really you have nothing to tell?? - Well remember
Molchaniye.
to that you at institute were taught!
- My God, really is Karl Markh and Frijedrich Engels??

*****

The sergeant prepared the division for visit inspecting pokovnika.
- The Colonel usually asks three questions: "How old are you? How long you do military service? What life is pleasant to you - military or civil more?" Your answers have to be such ":" Twenty years ", " six months" and "Both". Remember these answers. In the appointed day the colonel arrived and, bypassing a system of soldiers, addressed to one of nikh:
-As long you serve?
-is Twenty years old, ser.
-How old are you? To
- There are Six months. The colonel bent to the soldier and is silent, friendly asked ego:
-As you think, whose head not as it should be, your or my?
-Both, sir.

*****

The eagle at mountain top sits. Looks down, razmyshlyaet:
-That for life? To the right you will look - mountains. Boringly. On the left you will look - mountains. Boringly. In an ass you will peck - painfully...

*****

Pugacheva in a hairdressing salon sits, Alk's Kirkorov.
-resorts, I get divorced from you!
-Well and to whom you will be necessary? To all I will be necessary to
-Ya, I - a megastar!
-You schnook. Without me you tomorrow zabudut.
- And who then will be a megastar?
-Yes any schnook which I will untwist. I can untwist this hairdresser for mesyats.
zhizn Sergey Zverev it started being adjusted.

*****

The elephant who hung all such, upset sits. The mosquito flies up to it: - Hear, in h m business? - Yes here otkhodnyak heavy after yesterday's life shit! - the Dude, look back vs abruptly around, life is fine. Well want I those I will help, to you I will make a high! - the High? come on! - Only you get up and extend a trunk a vper d Well an elephant and made. The mosquito disperses and into an ass to an elephant dives, through flies by and from a trunk comes up: - well h a high? - the HIGH!!! Listen and give eshch just once? - Well give the Mosquito disperses, dives, and the elephant pushes a trunk in an ass at this time: V-E-E-EChNYY HIGH!!!

*****

Two blondes sit, drink kofe.
odna speaks: our life is similar to a cup kofe.
vtoraya: why?
pervaya: I do not know, I am not a philosopher.